DD - Teen 16 - No friends

[Monica53]

Hi
Well it's 2.15am and I cannot sleep after our poor DD 16 has been breaking her heart!! most of the night, saying she is sick of being on her own and would like just that one friend and be able to go out and look forward to stuff and do normal teen stuff. I'm typing this with such an ache in my chest as I'm at a total loss as to what to do.

She was bullied in the first few years of high school by old friends! ***! and made new friends who all seemed OK?, however she has suffered from anxiety and depression since the bullying and consequently suffers from very low confidence and low self esteem, so now when in school with one thing and another she spends a lot of time in the year leaders office or welfare office, and her friends in school she does have (not real friends she says)ignore her when she does sit with them and some of them have stated she has drifted. We have had a chat about this and saying yes if you're feeling like she is sometimes you can be quiet and due to nature of teens they may take that sometimes in away like you've distanced yourself. However she has just heard today that two of her so called friends have said stuff to someone she knows that they shouldn't go around with her in case they catch 'depression' OMG!!!!!! can't people be so down right mean and nasty and totally vile!.

I've suggested we do things together but she has said she so much wants to do normal teenage stuff, and her so called friends are all out and about and never invite her and she has asked on a number of occasions when they have group chats and they ignore her requests, it is so heart breaking and I seriously don't know what I can do anymore.

Also she said as she has no friends to go up to school with the get results in August, her Cousin will take the day of work and go with her

Also she did have a dress picked out for Prom but tonight she has said it's pointless going as she will be going on her own so there is no point!

DD is due to do NCS in summer for four weeks and we have said she'll meet some lovely people and make new friendships though she really doesn't believe that anymore, and at the moment just wants someone to talk with and her words do normal teenage stuff - Oh I could cry I feel so damn useless as I do not know what to do for her other than cuddle her when she is breaking her heart- which now I'm doing as I'm typing

Also she says she is dreading the summer as it is extra long and she will have no one to do anything with, even if we have said she will meet new people on NCS. Also we have said perhaps get a little job, which there might be the opportunity of one locally 12 hrs a week though she says at moment she doesn't think she could do it, I have said perhaps she could try and also it would be opporutnity to meet some new people?

Also she has a place at 6th form college and at moment she cannot see light at end and thinks the same thing will happen there with regards to not having any friends or friends will just be horrible like they have in the past.

DD is having counselling for everything she has been through etc,though not sure it is any good. She has said some scary things over the last few days, and we are keeping a close eye on her and to be honest I feel useless and annoyed particularly because of the bullying and now the so called friends being down right vile and horrible beyond words.

I'm hoping to speak to school tomorrow if possible not sure.

Sorry to go on - I am at such a loss and really don't feel I can burden by small family much and have a lead weight in my chest with worry and everything that goes with it..

Very much doubt I''ll sleep tonight - thankyou for reading and any advice will so so much appreciated.x

Thank you for getting back to me Moria. I am so glad your daughter is starting to settle in at college.

They are the same school year. My DD did her GCSE’s in the summer (got A*’s and A’s) despite the turmoil going on in her life. She decided to stay on at the Sixth Form at her secondary school at it is much smaller than the other choices, hoping most of those that caused her so much heartbreak would move on elsewhere. Most did, but some remain and she is scared that sooner or later they will influence the fledgling friendships she is trying to build.

It feels such a lonely place to be as a parent when your child is isolated and excluded as I never meet anyone else struggling in the same way.

I try to fill the void by taking her clothes shopping etc and we have fun but I can see her looking at girls enjoying shopping together and she wishes (quite rightfully) that she had someone her own age to do that with.

My daughter also did NCS in the summer too. It was hard for her due to her anxiety and she did make new friends but none are going to her Sixth Form and live miles away. They do keep in touch over social media though. Aside from NCS and our own family holiday, she stayed at home and not one person invited her out over the summer.

The damage to her confidence is huge, she has low self esteem and her mood can dip very low at times. She is a talented artist and is a kind, caring girl so why can’t her peers see the same lovely qualities that we can? So frustrating!

Thank you for your support.

Good morning forgetmenot75
Well done to your DD excellent results bearing in mind how and what she was going through,our Dd had very same results,and I have to say the other persons who have been mean,excluded them etc are simply jealous of our girls for being so nice and caring yes it doesn't make things any better though I hope in time they'll realise.

I did the same with our Dd shopping trips etc however Dd does and did say she wants to do things with people her age. She still spends a lot of time in her room alone on social media or just in there,it us heart breaking.

Well done to your daughter doing ncs even if friends are away it proves to her she can make friends as we said to our Dd. I do hope she is managing at 6th form? Our Dd is getting there however one of the bullies did decide to follow her and dud try to stir things up though it got nipped in the bud straight away!!and I just pray that will be am end to it as college has zero tolerance and I truly believe it.

I also believe these other people are truly jealous and can't see their behaviour!. Can your daughter enrol for Duke of Edinburgh our Dd is doing it at college.

I must add yes it is a lonely place as a parent as kids who bullied our Dd parents dud nothing to stop it at all even though we suggested talking to them all and they we're supposed to be friends! Nasty

Please let me know how you're getting on and any help advice I can give I and I'm sure all mumsnet mums will assist. Good luck and keep in touch . Sending hugs xx

for all of you.

The worry we all feel for our children going through such experiences can be quite overwhelming and yes is pretty lonely. I think you are all taking the right steps. My DD is younger but simply by being there for her, supporting her hobbies and interests, encouraging her to be herself, I feel she has become much more resilient and happy within herself. I am hopeful that once her school days are over she will meet peers that are more in step with her and can have the friends she deserves. My hope and belief extends to each of your children too. x

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I have to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that Sixth Form will see her blossom and be comfortable with herself and secure in her relationships with others. It’s such a terrible shame that the cruel words and actions of a few can have such a lasting negative effect on some, particularly those who are more sensitive than most.

She has managed to get a weekend job and whilst there is only a couple of younger people working there, she does get along with them and enjoy a bit of banter.

We have also sought the assistance of a therapist who she is currently getting to know, so it is early days. Hopefully she can help with some coping techniques and bring some sort of closure to her school experience in order for her to move on and regain trust in her peers. In the meantime we will continue to support her as we always have done and keep our fingers crossed (for our DD and all those affected in a similar way) that the best is yet to come. X

In no particular order, get her one or more of:

A volunteering role
A job
Joining a sports club or hobby club
Joining the Guides (or the Scouts - they take girls now)
Some lessons (if it's cheap) or classes in some non-academic thing like drawing or pottery or music

She will meet some other people apart from her school friends and mostly that's all it takes.

Hi everyone
Long time no speak,how is everyone? Our dd is in week 14 at sixth form college unfortunately the queen her bitch from school has followed her at last minute,Can you believe it!!!? And it is making our dd so anxious even though she has got a few new friends sadly this awful girl is in two of her classes! College have ready had to speak to the girl as she tried to text Rd via third party as she is blocked on all dd media stuff. However as of today our dd is on report due to attendance and wants to leave as she feels awful ion shock, tried to get her to turn it around and think ok take it on board and ignore the bitch and move on with her goals. Omg just when you think you've turned a corner 😣

Can she move to a different school now, one which offers the same subjects? I’m so sorry this girl has followed her.

We're not sure at moment,it's do annoying, upsetting as dd got super GCSE results and was so looking forward to college and then at last minute found out this bitch enrolled. Even worse she is in two classes. Tried to get dd just ignore but she is all engrossed by it! And now her attendance is effected its not going as planned which I'm so sad about for her. It's unbelievable.

So sorry to read this. It sounds like she had such an encouraging start to begin with and it’s a shame that things have deteriorated. It really is a rollercoaster and I can empathise. I do hope that you can find a solution. Hopefully moving to a new Sixth Form would be a last resort.

For us, things are on the up. My DD is settled at Sixth Form and has a group of friends she seems to be able to rely on. She has found her “tribe”. As I type she is downstairs having a party (first time ever) and the sound of laughter is wonderful. However, knowing her as I do, things are always up and down and this up is likely to be followed by a down at some point. She is still in therapy and that seems to be helping.

Please post back and let us know how she gets on. X

Can the school move her classes? Is there more than one class per subject?

Thank you! We'd hope moving to another 6th from the very last result. Possibly looking at timetables and move not 100% sure as initially she wasn't in class with her so mentioned that today in conversation when tutor called me. Also this bitch (sorry) has had a warning already!.

Pleased to hear your dd is settling in. Dd is so down tonight and said she feels stupid,useless and angry,yes initial shock because of report issue, though tried to chat that she is now responsible for her attendance etc and college have and are trying to solve issues and take this as a point to say right your not getting me this time! Easier said than done🙄x

Chat with Dd about issues as has a very good friend of family and trying to get dd into different frame of mind as she is so mad about report issue as thinks unfair due to this girl though we've tried to turn it around a little by saying college is different and you're responsible for the attendance and also college have issued warning to girl so ignore her and concentrate on work and not her. Dd has two days of work to catch up with and refuses to change classes as has friends in class so what do you do?? I wish she would just concentrate on the work as she actually told family members two weeks ago that she loved college so...?I'm warn out and just want her to knuckle down and get work done as she has goals she wants in life. Sorry if I sound harsh I'm at end of my tether and whatever I do say suggest,don't suggest etc.... is wrong and get it thrown back at me so today I'm leaving her to get her work done and going for a walk with my sister's. Thank you for reading and advice xxo

It’s a horrible situation for your daughter, as well as for you as you try to support her through this. Has the college got a counsellor she could talk to?. We have found that having someone impartial and specially trained in working with young adults has helped.

Thank you forgetmenot. College learning support but she has said she doesn't want to go there and has voiced she wants this girl kicked out we've said it's sadly not that simple and I'm worried she is dwelling too much in an attempt to get this in some way? Sounds mad but things she had said 🙄. She has had lots of counselling but says it doesn't help though it isn't a sticky plaster result you have to work at it!xx I'm lost and whatever I do is wrong be nice I'm wrong be straight forward and say it as it is I'm wrong. Fed up to say the least and I can see her future plans she wants moving away and I don't know what to do anymore and not sure how much patience I've got left. Sorry xx

let your DD try a dance or martial arts class..they will make friends and gain confidence. Even better if you know another parent or child there to help break the ice.

Good idea about the martial arts classes, not for defending oneself primarily but it's a nicer environment to build up self confidence. Unfortunately by the sound of it all the best option might be to go to another school and settle in into a new environment. The only other way is to rise above the bullying so it doesn't take effect, hopefully the other party stops if she doesn't get the "right reaction". Out of curiosity, what exactly is it that this other girl is doing?

I’m sorry that the horrible girl has followed her there. Not sure what you can do but if it’s totally affecting her life then I’d look at other sixth forms or see if she can ignore her. I suppose it depends how big the college is and whether the horrible one is being actively bitchy or is it just her presence that’s unsettling? Are there different classes for same subject so the horrid one could move? Your DD shouldn’t as she’s not the instigator. Good luck.

Thank you for replying. I have suggested a outside activity but she refuses. Sometimes I think it us actually the girls presence now as she was initially spreading nasty rumours about Dd,I don't think it helps that A levels are a huge leap in regards to the amount if study etc so not sure if it is a combination.

Monica53, so sorry to hear of this continuing issue, surely surely college can do something to help? I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and make queen bitch disappear!

trying2bgd your post is one of the nicest things I have ever read on MN.

Monica53, I just wondered if you live anywhere near me? I’m in Cambridgeshire. Perhaps if you had local support that might help, although venting on this forum has helped me feel less alone in parenting my daughter.

Hi everyone
And here's to a happier 2018. Dd is on holiday from college till 8/1 and spent most of holiday in her room and has been v.moody. She has actually met up again with an old boyfriend,which isn't good as he really doesn't care for her as is also friends with previous bullied though he says he has blocked certain queen bee also he never takes Dd anywhere he does work and seems to make excuses when he makes plans and cancels. We are concerned as this doesn't help her and whatever we say we wrong. Nightmare x

I'm awake at nearly 4am worrying about my daughter - 14. I'm a single mum and we moved 6 months ago to a new area. 6 months on she hasn't settled into school and has no friends, spends her time in her room crying. I take her out as much as I can but that's no substitute for having friends her own age. I encouraged her to meet up with a couple of girls from school just after Christmas, I paid for them and took them all to go to the cinema. They haven't been in touch with her since and tbh it's not just my daughter who feels a bit used. I do wonder how much I am to blame - not just moving house, but not being good at making friends myself, I can't set a good example or suggest how make friends. At 14, she is too young for a job, and has been turned down for volunteering at an aminal sanctuary too due to her age. I've persuaded her to join a badminton club but I'm running out of ideas now and I'm desperately worried about her.

Hi debyardley
Firstly sending you and you dd a big hug, I know how upsetting and worrying it is. Our dd is now 17 and still relatively small circle of friends who she feels she can trust and you can count them on one hand. Also one of her uncles once said you are rich if you have a few friends who you can honestly trust and rely on and count on one hand.

Our dd volunteered at a local stable from 12-15 which helped when the bullying was at its worst,Is there anything like that near. Our dd did make a few friends there but out grew them. Also I've started to believe as has our dd that You have chapters and turn the page.

You do Just want them to be happy and it hurts. How are school are there any after school activities she could go to? Or local events in the new area you could both attend to get to know people? I too blamed myself for dd upset/bullying though you just have to be there for them lots of hugs and kisses. Teen years as I've found have been the worst do much turmoil and upset I'd have the as babies any day.

Please keep us posted and do take care xxo

Happy new year to everyone on this thread and best wishes to all our dc. May 2018 be a better year for all of them.

Debyardly I think it is easy to blame ourselves but I have learnt that this is a thankless and pointless exercise and only succeeds it sapping our own positive energy, and goodness knows we need every drop of it! Continue encouraging your dd to do external activities, it can take time to build relationships but even a friendly acquaintance rather than a proper friend helps to build confidence. If you have family or friends that can help, enlist them to take DD on an outing or have a chat - I found this helped my dd to see it wasn’t just her parents who saw her loveliness. And finally try not to appear to be too focus or stressedh on this issue! Hard I know. In my dd’s case things have improved, she has one very good friend who shares a lot of her interests, she has a very niche hobby which has resulted in some online friends (not perfect but helps to pass the time). At school things are better, classes have changed and she has a friendlier group to interact with in her lessons, her ‘old friends’ have also seem to have grown out of their meanness and include her more although not 100% but as she is so much more resilient it bothers her a lot less. My hope is that once GCSEs are done she will move to another school and also get a Saturday job and yes begin a new chapter of her life. There is light at the end of the tunnel but it’s all baby steps, lots of keeping busy, hugs, tears, anger and at times despair......and of course a bucket load of love.