DD - Teen 16 - No friends

[Monica53]

Hi
Well it's 2.15am and I cannot sleep after our poor DD 16 has been breaking her heart!! most of the night, saying she is sick of being on her own and would like just that one friend and be able to go out and look forward to stuff and do normal teen stuff. I'm typing this with such an ache in my chest as I'm at a total loss as to what to do.

She was bullied in the first few years of high school by old friends! ***! and made new friends who all seemed OK?, however she has suffered from anxiety and depression since the bullying and consequently suffers from very low confidence and low self esteem, so now when in school with one thing and another she spends a lot of time in the year leaders office or welfare office, and her friends in school she does have (not real friends she says)ignore her when she does sit with them and some of them have stated she has drifted. We have had a chat about this and saying yes if you're feeling like she is sometimes you can be quiet and due to nature of teens they may take that sometimes in away like you've distanced yourself. However she has just heard today that two of her so called friends have said stuff to someone she knows that they shouldn't go around with her in case they catch 'depression' OMG!!!!!! can't people be so down right mean and nasty and totally vile!.

I've suggested we do things together but she has said she so much wants to do normal teenage stuff, and her so called friends are all out and about and never invite her and she has asked on a number of occasions when they have group chats and they ignore her requests, it is so heart breaking and I seriously don't know what I can do anymore.

Also she said as she has no friends to go up to school with the get results in August, her Cousin will take the day of work and go with her

Also she did have a dress picked out for Prom but tonight she has said it's pointless going as she will be going on her own so there is no point!

DD is due to do NCS in summer for four weeks and we have said she'll meet some lovely people and make new friendships though she really doesn't believe that anymore, and at the moment just wants someone to talk with and her words do normal teenage stuff - Oh I could cry I feel so damn useless as I do not know what to do for her other than cuddle her when she is breaking her heart- which now I'm doing as I'm typing

Also she says she is dreading the summer as it is extra long and she will have no one to do anything with, even if we have said she will meet new people on NCS. Also we have said perhaps get a little job, which there might be the opportunity of one locally 12 hrs a week though she says at moment she doesn't think she could do it, I have said perhaps she could try and also it would be opporutnity to meet some new people?

Also she has a place at 6th form college and at moment she cannot see light at end and thinks the same thing will happen there with regards to not having any friends or friends will just be horrible like they have in the past.

DD is having counselling for everything she has been through etc,though not sure it is any good. She has said some scary things over the last few days, and we are keeping a close eye on her and to be honest I feel useless and annoyed particularly because of the bullying and now the so called friends being down right vile and horrible beyond words.

I'm hoping to speak to school tomorrow if possible not sure.

Sorry to go on - I am at such a loss and really don't feel I can burden by small family much and have a lead weight in my chest with worry and everything that goes with it..

Very much doubt I''ll sleep tonight - thankyou for reading and any advice will so so much appreciated.x

Very well said Astro there is nothing wrong with OP's parenting or her DD and everything wrong with the bullies, agreed. It is hard to get out of the mindset though and I am glad Monica you are finding such support here in order to do that.

Possum sorry to hear about your DD having problems too, small steps though, good that she is positive about the 6th form. And nice she have have a bit of a chat about common interests, the meeting friends will come, hang in there. Group hug to you all.

Good morning to you all
It is such a support to have this group chat! - Had meeting at the school with Vice Principal, Respect Co-ordinator and Year Leader and am awaiting updates in regards to the school putting a few things into practice for the forthcoming weeks.

Also with regards to the bullying as the school neglected their duty of care in relation to the best bullying and now bullying occuring again, and DD won't allow Year Leader to speak to the persons, due to lack of trust as they let her down so badly, we are hoping after this long weekend she may think about things, however at moment she thinks it will just make things so much worse, even though the Year Leader as assured her on this occasion the parents will be brought in to discuss these things.

Also this weekend she had made arrangements with one of the so called friends and at last minutes AGAIN! they have texted her to say no they can't go - I have my suspicions they are taking the - and if I could get hold of them I'd ring their necks, they have no idea what their behaviour does and the effects it has!.

With regards to school DD now goes in a little later and returns home earlier to avoid the nastiness, and also the Respect Co-ordinator is monitoring things as one of the bitches is actually in her form! and her words "Oh she is a nice girl" REALLY! you can only imagine what I said or wanted to say - though I sai d"Yes perhaps in class but she is a manipulative/queen bee/nasty person who doesn't think twice how her actions effect anyone, so please don't think she is lovely at all!!!.

I will be in constant touch with the school at least twice a week until the exams are finished, which works out about 7 weeks, and then sixth form college, which DD has had a taster day and did actually say she was excited about going as it seems such a lovely place.

CYPS are due to call today for an update with regards to support for DD so fingers crossed. I know I'm trying to support DD in so many ways, though I still wake up some mornings and think how the hell has this happened and worry about her well being. Thank you so so much for this support it is appreciated and helps immensely. Monicaxx

Hopefully school will take it a bit more seriously now but I guess it's too little, too late so near the end!

Hopefully you can do something nice together this weekend to make up for her "friend" letting her down.

I think you do need some days free of this type of crap - just fun stuff without even speaking about it

Get her out of the house - look at some local attractions - nice garden for tea and cake - walk in the woods - fresh air and clear head

Good advice Astro.
I have found that really keeps dd going. Breakfast, but if shopping etc. We have also been decorating her bedroom and painting furniture.
We are managing to get a bit of work done too. Maths yesterday. I am terrible at it so it did me good too

OP - I would honestly not waste one more ounce of energy or breath on the school. They have failed her and it's too late to turn things around and your DD is making things more difficult by not letting them talk to the girls and their parents. It's too late.

Fortunately, it's not too late for your DD to turn her life around. Does she need to go into school for revision classes? If so, could she go in for those and leave the building as soon as they're done. If it's too far to come home, is there a nearby coffee shop she could retreat to in between classes with her books and laptop. No way would my DD be going to a fucking 'escape' room - that's telling her she's a victim and has to continue to act like one.

The counselling isn't working so can you find another counsellor or form of counselling. Might I gently suggest that you seek out some counselling for yourself as this has clearly (and understandably) had an effect on your mental health as you are constantly in fight mode.

Stop referring to the pt job as a "little" job as it diminishes it.
Keep DD off social media (I've just deleted my year 7 DD's snapchat, instagram and whatsapp (or whatever it called) and helped her choose a pile of books to get back into reading.

Stables sounds brilliant as does any form of physical exercise. Encourage her to go to yoga classes too. You are not only re-building her resilience but giving her coping strategies for the rest of her life.

Sorry for rambling but I feel strongly about this. I hated school (it gave me MH problems) and my DD has had a couple of issues since starting secondary and I'm having to work on my gentle little girl not becoming a victim.

Finally, and do feel free to ignore this last bit of advice. Next time one of the bullies says something to her, tell her to say "oh do fuck off, you odious piece of shit. I don't want a twat like you speaking to me so shut the fuck up". It might give them a shock/food for though or, at the very least, make your DD feel less of a victim.

@GreatAuntPrudish I love this advice.
I agree. The school has had many chances and has failed.

My DD was bullied so I know how truly horrendous and consuming it can be for the entire family 💐. Fortunately my DD has flourished at her new school, although the bullies did try to ruin it for her with rumours and gossip. Four years on, she still gets a bit panicky if she sees them and avoids places where they will be. She has a great group of friends now, a job and lots of interests. I pray for the same for your DD.

In the meantime, I would stop bothering with the school. They have had many chances and proven themselves useless.

Hi
Well as off today after various visits/calls to school there is an assembly being organised for yr11-yes only a little bit however as DD is terrified of school speaking to bullies I'm hoping this is something.

Today I had to place a complaint against a teacher as she has been making derogatory comments about DD in front of whole class as to why DD is out of class now All teachers were supposed to have been informed OMG!!!.

Well 25 days left at the place for DD however after chat last night she feels she'll fail exams as she can't concentrate on revision and it doesn't go in anyway😣.

Also she us adamant not attending prom so going to see if she can visit relatives away from home the weekend of the prom. Makes me so very very very heartbroken as she was so very excited when she picked her dress (wasn't really expensive )but she looks so fabulous and she felt it she said.

I know she'll meet and make better friends at NCS and in 6th form college and pray she'll realise what a beautiful person she isxx

I could have written all of this, this time last year we were going through this too. And then her only friend dumped her on the day before they went on study leave for GCSEs - my heart broke for her. Fast forward to now, she survived the exams and went to college to do her a levels, still not lots of friends but enough to get her through. She had a few sessions of hypnotherapy to help her with her anxiety and learnt some techniques for when she felt herself spiralling and we enjoyed a lovely summer of each other's company. Keep all lines of communication open and even offer her things like this thread to read - so she can see that shes not the only one who feels like this. One of the problems with social media is that we watch everyone else having a wonderful time and we appear to be missing out - my dd didn't do prom (we went away for the weekend) and didn't go to the leavers assembly. But she is so much happier - so much more herself and hopefully the same will apply to your girl too xxx

HI Janiedee and everyone

Well countdown now - speaking to school tomorrow to say that as after half term DD will only be attending school for exams and that she will be on study leave! if they like it or not - as this school aren't programmed to have study leave and are supposed to go in, however this is certainly not going to be the case for DD. Also made an official complaint about a teacher who discussed why DD wasn't in class in front of a class of Yr 11 and within the class the bullies - so to say I was angry when I rang is an understatement. Janiedee - Yep DD has said she doesn't want to go to prom(thinking of what to do instead as of course will be all over social media-though she has said she is still signed out of most Social media stuff. DD is going away to relatives the week before, however will be heading home on day of prom as relatives have other things already arranged from ages ago!. We can't wait till last day at the hell hole of a school - and she is adamant that she doesn't want school speaking to the bullies! as she has no faith at all-sad!. Though positive things ahead as she is doing NCS in July which I am sure will be an eye opener as she won't be at the school horray! and a few more taster days at 6th form college so fingers crossed by September she may realise how beautiful she really is and what we see.

Monica53 and others who have been through this as described here, you are incredibly strong, I really do applaud both you and your DCs.

As another poster said it might be a good idea to let her see this thread, or at least parts of it. Re the studying, tell her to take one day at a time, she will know more than she thinks and it is important she has some breaks from it each day to do something relaxing or fun. Can she wear the dress on another nicer occasion (or sell it and get a different one for something nice)? As sure as eggs are eggs (as saying goes) she IS and is going to be a lovely young lady, whilst the nasty girls will be meeting in 3's to stir their cauldrons and trim their broomsticks!

Good morning everyone

I really hope you all don't mind me still updating this thread, I find it of some support at the present time, and thank you all for sharing similar issues and offering suggestions, which I am taking onboard.

This week I emailed the Year Leader in regards to Study Leave for our DD and I'm aware that there was a discussion with DD counsellor and Year Leader in regards to this suggestion, so far counsellor has said it is really DD choice, although DD has stated that perhaps she may go in after half term for a few specific lessons, although on days when she has no exams she refuses to enter the school. I did state in email that having study leave would reduce DD stress levels as actually going into the school itself is causing more issues. I expect a call on Monday/Tuesday.

Also DD has informed me that the 'QueenBee' Bully!!!! has informed one of the group who has been trying to support Dd that that person needs to pick between her or DD - for gods sake they are 16 and this has so infuriated me as they really have absolutely no IDEA! how their actions are effecting our daughter and I so wish the school would just basically speak to the little shits, though DD is adamant that she doesn't want this! Oh Man! Just breaks my heart and have had so many tears - not in sight of DD. Also she is going away to a relative late June for a week away from everything, and I know she is upset about the PROM which again the shits who have bullied her and think they are gods gift infuriate me as they so have no idea how they have made DD feel unwanted, not worthy and useless as no one likes her anyway - that's her words.

We think in total there is around 24days left in the hell hole of a school and DD is taking control in a away as she isn't attending leavers assembly or Prom but breaks my heart for her as she should be enjoying these things.xx

Think long term

This Queen bee has only ever operated in a group dynamic because otherwise if just wouldn't work for her - so she has her admirers (whom probably don't like her very much - much in the same was any abusive relationship works)

What will happen when she leaves school? One girl very similar regularly received 100's of likes on her FB etc - as soon as she left school this dropped to less than 10 - kids live in to work college etc and they can't replicate the school in crowd!!

You daughter of the other hand - the only way is up!! She will find new friends and interests at college - she has been though the shit and will quickly work out 'types' to avoid - it's a good life lesson

Whilst shit at the moment - queen bee is making herself look a complete bitch

Hi everyone
Thank you so much for support and help and hope you are all well? Dd on countdown well and truly,exams start on Monday and this weekend she is chilling. Also she has found some stuff about friendships and trust this week and seems a little happier which is always good. The bullies by all accounts are still being little so and so's though one of them actually apologised and said they didn't know why they were being horrible to her or anything ,bloody annoying g stupid little*** have no idea do they!! Anyway Dd can't wait niw till she leaves 23 days yay!!

Hi
Just need to talk?sorry Dd on countdown well and truly! However has been receiving several nasty texts messages off people, one she says was when she tried to cheer herself up and put a joke on Snapchat and a girl who doesn't go to her school now though used to and is associated with bulies sent messages back saying don't bother as no one gives a xxxx!and messages swearing etc. I'm shocked in disbelief as surely they should be concentrating on exams and things like that not this nastiness. I have said I'm spwaking to yr leader first thing Monday. Thank goodness she has 10 days left in the hell of a school. Thank you for reading xx

Hugs to you both. Hope she is doing well with her exams and keeping her spirits up. Friendships at this age can be a mare and if you are different it can be very very tricky. Please let her know that the world of young adults and adults will be better. Advise her to stop going on those apps and instead find forums on things she is interested in where she will find a much more supportive environment (a bit like mumsnet). Wish her all the best from me for the summer and for sixth form. Those so and so's will look back at their behaviour and feel ashamed.

My dd had a horrendous year 11 and was horrible bullied by queen bee and her entourage, to the point where she felt suicidel . She moved to a 6th form grammar and has a lovely bunch of new friends.

Hi there
Thank you so much for recent messages - this has helped and DD is feeling a little better, if not stressed due to exams, however one week left and she has said those -so and so's are just morons(apologies don't wish to offend anyone on here). She is looking forwards to doing NCS starting in July, even if she is very nervous and has said on occasion She isn't doing it, though I know she has had discussions with Year Leader who has informed me she is actually looking forwards to it. We are also thinking of her having a small party for the few friends she has made being in pastoral care in school over the last few months, and as she isn't going to Prom or Leavers assembly and has actually asked if she could invite these friends to a small house party, we've agreed however looking for ideas for decorations etc.

Dingit sounds positive for your DD, sounds so similar to what has happened to our DD - Queen Bee of both groups who bullied our Dd over her time in school, makes be so mad!

So grateful for all the support and replies and advice that has been given. I will keep you posted. Thank you and Big hugs to you allxx

Hi Franciscrawford

Thank you - Thinking just putting paper chain flowers and big pompoms-fairy lights and getting a few little bottles with the straws in and a relative has a bottle with tap for putting drinks in. Any ideas or suggestions would be so great! also thinking of getting a cake for her - and not sure what to put on it - Well Done - Schools Out! not sure? any ideas would be so gratefully appreciated. Big hugs and thank you to you all - really helped us through the last few monthsxxoo

Ooh, a fire pit and ceremonial burning of revision notes

Best wishes to you and your daughter Monica. You both sound lovely and I hope she's doing well now. Her small party sounds excellent and will be a great deal of fun. It's great to hear she's made friends and I'd say a small number of good friends is ideal to have so glad she's made them. I'm very sorry to hear she's been subject to bullying and hope she can focus on her friends and having fun with them. I'm a similar age to your daughter and her party sounds more fun than a big leavers' ball to me. Cake, ice cream and fantastic music sounds about right!

Good morning

Thank you for replies and suggestions for party!- Midsummer Party sounds fab, yep I think they'd love to burn revision notes and books!. DD has had a chat with her cousin and they are getting ideas together, think DD would like BBQ-Don't have one so may buy disposable ones. Noloveofmine thankyou for your ideas. Yep Bullying in all forms makes me so mad! and DD has had her share and More! which is awful, however I feel she has a few friends and I am sure she will make more once she has left this god awful school and heads to 6th form college in September, though also hopefully she will met some great people when she does the NCS for four weeks July/August.

Thank you and Hugs to you allx