DD - Teen 16 - No friends

[Monica53]

Hi
Well it's 2.15am and I cannot sleep after our poor DD 16 has been breaking her heart!! most of the night, saying she is sick of being on her own and would like just that one friend and be able to go out and look forward to stuff and do normal teen stuff. I'm typing this with such an ache in my chest as I'm at a total loss as to what to do.

She was bullied in the first few years of high school by old friends! ***! and made new friends who all seemed OK?, however she has suffered from anxiety and depression since the bullying and consequently suffers from very low confidence and low self esteem, so now when in school with one thing and another she spends a lot of time in the year leaders office or welfare office, and her friends in school she does have (not real friends she says)ignore her when she does sit with them and some of them have stated she has drifted. We have had a chat about this and saying yes if you're feeling like she is sometimes you can be quiet and due to nature of teens they may take that sometimes in away like you've distanced yourself. However she has just heard today that two of her so called friends have said stuff to someone she knows that they shouldn't go around with her in case they catch 'depression' OMG!!!!!! can't people be so down right mean and nasty and totally vile!.

I've suggested we do things together but she has said she so much wants to do normal teenage stuff, and her so called friends are all out and about and never invite her and she has asked on a number of occasions when they have group chats and they ignore her requests, it is so heart breaking and I seriously don't know what I can do anymore.

Also she said as she has no friends to go up to school with the get results in August, her Cousin will take the day of work and go with her

Also she did have a dress picked out for Prom but tonight she has said it's pointless going as she will be going on her own so there is no point!

DD is due to do NCS in summer for four weeks and we have said she'll meet some lovely people and make new friendships though she really doesn't believe that anymore, and at the moment just wants someone to talk with and her words do normal teenage stuff - Oh I could cry I feel so damn useless as I do not know what to do for her other than cuddle her when she is breaking her heart- which now I'm doing as I'm typing

Also she says she is dreading the summer as it is extra long and she will have no one to do anything with, even if we have said she will meet new people on NCS. Also we have said perhaps get a little job, which there might be the opportunity of one locally 12 hrs a week though she says at moment she doesn't think she could do it, I have said perhaps she could try and also it would be opporutnity to meet some new people?

Also she has a place at 6th form college and at moment she cannot see light at end and thinks the same thing will happen there with regards to not having any friends or friends will just be horrible like they have in the past.

DD is having counselling for everything she has been through etc,though not sure it is any good. She has said some scary things over the last few days, and we are keeping a close eye on her and to be honest I feel useless and annoyed particularly because of the bullying and now the so called friends being down right vile and horrible beyond words.

I'm hoping to speak to school tomorrow if possible not sure.

Sorry to go on - I am at such a loss and really don't feel I can burden by small family much and have a lead weight in my chest with worry and everything that goes with it..

Very much doubt I''ll sleep tonight - thankyou for reading and any advice will so so much appreciated.x

Hi
Thank you for you all showing such amazing support it has really made a difference and I've had so many tears myself over the months and to know we aren't alone certainly helps. xx

Hi
Well couldn't speak with teacher today and DD says why bother!?as no one takes any notice 😣

Also she's upset as she really doesn't have friends and friendship group she wanted to be in didn't want her ie:the old primary school friends who were downright mean/nasty and we've said real friends aren't like that - her words being well then I've never had true friends and she so doesn't believe she'll ever have true true friends omg!!.

Everything she gets this upset about friendship I feel such a failure having tried to communicate with the adults associated with these mean kids and got it all thrown back and more which still hurts deeply, though I try to hide this from DD.

See what tomorrow brings x

Bullying ha such long term effects it doesn't just go away when it stops.
It affects their mental health and their ability to trust others it's a continual spiral

I agree college will be different - is it separate to the current school?

She needs to believe in herself which is truely difficult when they have lost faith in teachers etc

With school - you need to stop telling them how to do their job - they really don't like it and they will just write you off

I would speak to their pastoral care and explain

DD feels DD thinks DD has said DD doesn't want

Then tell them what you expect - what do you want them to do?

Look up the complaints procedure - it should help you negotiate

They have a duty of care

Most school have an escape room - usually people in similar position sometime austistic kids who can't cope with noise at lunch time - is there anything? Some she has a group at lunch rather than on her own? Maybe some resilience work or team building or confidence?

Have you considered outside classes like self defense to build up her confidence?

Sorry that was a ramble!!

Hi Astro55
DD is due to leave the hell hole of a school at end of June and has a place at a 6th form college which is a good thing also she has a taster day at the college soon.

I/we now have a relatively good relationship with the new year leader/pastoral care who do provide and are providing DD with an escape room etc due to the down right meaness and certain factions being vile.

Unfortunately yes bullying has v.long lasting effects and to see our DD in such a way breaks our hearts and when the bullies were never taken to account makes it worse!.

We are hoping DD may take up volunteering at a local stable and also if successful in a little P/t job will help her confidence.

I have also suggested we both go along to certain classes however at the moment she refuses point blank.

I totally understand what you say in relation to the school, also having spoken with the Head principal earlier this year in relation to many issues the school failed to act on, even when we were informed they were, the member of staff no longer works there who was supposed to be dealing with issues!! says it all really.

Thanksx

I'm sure her primary friends were her true friends at some stage, but they became nasty as they got older, so try to get her to think like that maybe - sadly people do change. DD had similar with one primary school bestie who turned against her, but they were def true friends at one point. They have lost contact now which is good!!
Was she bullied at primary too or did it start at secondary?
Agree that the effects of bullying never go away / can your DD just go in for her exams and study at home until then and then just be looking forward to the new start in Sept . Have they finished the syllabus?

Hi Justdanceaddict

Yep we've had this conversation a number of times, stating if they were true friends they wouldn't have been mean, however when she is so low she loses sight of that fact.

In primary school she seemed very happy, however I must admit towards the end of Year 6, I did she a change in the friendship group! which at the time I didn't think too much, however in hindsight and example DD wasn't invited to a party to her most closest friend(then!) and I really didn't think that much of it really, we just did something different! though when bullying did start by the kids and I must add the parents!! certain things that came to light shocked me and I thought what the hell!!!.

With regards to school, I've just attempted to speak with someone there, to be informed no senior staff have been there at all this week. I am aware that they have now finished the syllabus and revising sessions, however they have been informed they have to go into school everyday even when exams are on, I am going to speak to head next week when they go back after easter break., and that will be an interesting Monday morning getting DD to school. Thank youxx

When you speak to the Head, you may want to say that you want it treated as a safeguarding issue (which long term bullying truly is). Ofsted have been very hot on safeguarding, so in my experience, it is a word that gets attention. I did this recently after being fobbed off for months, and suddenly action was being taken and I was getting weekly phone calls with updates and them checking I was happy.

Hi
Well Dd has had chat with cuppa counsellor tonight and we are going to contact school tomorrow and ask for meeting with Principal and yr leader possibly her counsellor also to discuss making dd feel safe in school for remainder of her time there snd yes we will be mentioning safeguarding! . At present Dd feels terrified going into school everyday 😣 which shouldn't be! and for others to say depression doesn't exist -well wait till they're out in the real world!

Also tonight spoke to a local stables and DD and myself are visiting them on Saturday to have a look and for her to get a feel of the place, the lady also said they do volunteering so fingers crossed! !

Sixth form taster day at the college for DD tomorrow so hoping it goes well!.

Hello - Well first day back at school for DD and she has had the worst time- spend the day with welfare officer, as the so called 'friends' blanked her, also school were supposed to ring today to arrange a meeting to make arrangements for the next few weeks and possible study leave for DD. Will wait till mid morning tomorrow and if no call I shall be ringing - I know they will be sick to death of me though if they had dealt with issues correctly 4 years ago, I believe we wouldn't be in this situation now.

DD is still signed out of all her social media, and one person has been texting her to check on her, though when they are at school they don't even talk to her OMG!!!.

Sorry to keep on I feel this helps.

Monicax

Hi Monica, just wanted to say I'm listening and thinking of you. Have no suggestions apart from carry on pestering the school. I can't believe how laid back the school is - at least when my dd had problems the relevant staff were very quick to respond. How did the stables visit and college taster day go? Please look after yourself - I know how awful you must feel.

X

Most schools resolve issues on who shouts loudest - your asking and they aren't listening!!

Don't give up show her you are in her corner

Can she move groups for study?

There must be other classes

Monica53 I really feel for you soooo much with all this worry for your DD. She has a fantastic mum that's for sure!

I am sorry I cannot read the whole post now (up early for work) I just got the gist of it, but I'm sure you will get plenty of good advice on here. It is awful when we are worried about our DCs , hang on to the positive (and there will be some) she has gone through lots of but she WILL meet nice friends. I have told myself this for my DD 15 yrs , it keeps me going! for you and hope you are getting more sleep now.

Thank you so so much for support, it means so much to me really does😘. Well this morning DD gave me a hug and said mum "I so don't want to go in" what a brave young woman she is being Omg! Also had message from school and waiting for vice principals PA to get back with appointment for us to talk along with Respect co-ordinator -- appt I've requested for tomorrow or Thursday. Will be making notes and having a chat with DD - who has said she doesn't want the "girls" spoken to as will make life even worse for her,so best thing is Yr11 assembly with someone frospecific organisation Ie: Young minds or local children /young persons organisation. Also the person texting DD to check up as said they have told the girls they're being mean for no reason 😣 though thus person is scared to say anything in school OMG🙁. Thank you xxx

Appointment on Thursday at School. Also DD been with Year Head all day, and Dd has informed Yr Head of issues via messages etc, however doesn't want girl spoken to - I know the reason for this as in the past she did and had repurcussions and nothing was done and DD has no faith in the school. However both Yr Head and myself have chatted and said there are proper procedures and if this person is spoken with, it will be her and her parents and if there are any issues after this she will be spoken to again. OMG! - Today DD said one of these persons stated she wouldn't go to the toilet in case our DD was there-for gods sake these are young adults and could be in the work place in the next four months! - Praying we manage to get DD into school tomorrow? - this is so awful for DD and I so wish I could wave a wand and get the next few weeks away.

I have a few notes listed for our meeting: ie: assembly/organisation like Youngminds or some local organisation in to talk in assembly to specific Yr 11's and also if need be the Police in regards to offences of bullying/texts etc.

Any other suggestions that I can't think of at present due to feeling so upset and chewed up! I'm now feeling the worse parent in the world having allowed all of this to happen to my precious girl and why are people so VILE!!! x

monica I've skimmed your thread and cannot believe the similarities with what we have been dealing with.
Dd is year 10 and has been bullied for a year which eventually ended up with her so called friends cutting her off.
She tried to keep going In but was totally alone and so we made the difficult decision to remove her.
We are home educating until she starts college a year early in September.
We have done the right thing as she was so anxious and deiresssd she couldn't have carried on, but she is so lonely and missing her "friends" terribly. She also just wants to do normal teenage things and actually she did enjoy school apart from all the shit so is really sad not to be going.
What an absolute nightmare it's been. I know your dd is off social media but I wonder if they might benefit from a few texts to each other.
Just a thought.
Best wishes to you both from fellow sufferers

My dd had a horrendous year 11 with a bully. She moved to an all girl 6th form and has amazing friends, who she's going on holiday with after her A levels. Hope it works out well for your dd

Sending hugs too. Its so hideous to see our DC treated like this. Keep repeating that it will get better and I really do believe in karma - every day over is a day closer to the end.

Such a shame that they have their best years ruined though.
They will never get this time back.

My best years were at college - her best has yet to come!!

Work in her self esteem and her interests and she'll make friends with ease!

How are you Monica53? Far from being 'the worst parent' you would appear to be one of the best! More perhaps and a dash of . Hang in there, we all know what you are going through to some extent and are thinking of you.

Hi there everyone
Again all the support and comments are so helpful and actually helping me as a mum to cope with everything.

DD went into school yesterday after Yr Leader came to house and had a lovely chat, and also I have a meeting today with Principal/Respect Co-ordinator and Yr Leader so see how it goes. Also DD is now allowed to go into school a little later each day and leave a little earlier to avoid crowds and the nastiness.

However DD did inform me last night that one of the 'group' a boy was sitting in the group for lunch and told them all to stop being so mean/bitchy as they were all sitting talking and being nasty about our DD- As DD is now sitting in Yr Leaders room all day and at lunchtime so really - her words she is terrified to sit with these Vile people.

A friend of mine invited me out last night for a catchup so had a good chat last night and feel a little more relaxed, however apprehensive about meeting today, and have made notes also, so see what comes out of the meeting. Thank you xxx

You do need to get out of this mindset

There isn't nothing wrong with your DD or your parenting - there is everything wrong with the bullies

Their parents need to be informed every time and they need to be punished for being horrid - this is where school are failing her

After all you wouldn't put up with it at work

It's quite shocking how far bullying reaches in terms of damage done to the whole family and teachers need to recognise this problem.

It takes over your life and head space and is so consuming

I really feel for your DD it's a horrible feeling and takes years to heal and trust again

Keep going!! Keep asking in school keep attending meetings!!

You are doing all the right things

My Dd is in the same boat so I feel for you.

She's also starting a new sixth form in sept and is quite positive about this, but slightly worried about not making friends.

She does have some online friends that she met playing minecraft....they have a mumble server so can actually chat to each other rather than just messaging. So she does have friends I guess, just not ones who she can meet to go shopping with, etc.

My daughter has been through something so similar. I would say- keep fighting at school. just keep being there for her and listening to her. Looking back, that is what my daughter says kept her going. We did things like go on holiday with single parent groups so that she could be with children she didn't know who would like her for who she was. It gave my daughter some strength to see she was a likeable person out of the poisonous school environment. I know she wishes to have friends to go out with but getting her to go to things with you will get her out of the house and give her some company if she can be persuaded. Things that really helped were 1. doing NCS. It is actually brilliant! Again she can be herself with people she doesn't know and they do do a lot around self esteem and self expression and positive self belief. 2. Going to 6th form and meeting new people will break this cycle. Is there a college she can go to where none of these people are going even if she has to travel further away? A totally new start would be good. My daughter was so destroyed because of bullying I thought she would never even get any GCSEs. But I was able to move her to another school and with some careful choosing of BTECS instead of A levels she has done well enough to be able to go to university. Hang in there. I would have her spending as little time as possible with any of these people. We were able to request doing exams in a room away from everyone else so my daughter didn't have to see anyone when she went in for exams. School should be doing everything it can to help her pass her exams.