16 Year old refusing to come home - WWYD?

[OnceYouAreReal]

DD has been at a friends for a week. She is refusing to come home.

Her reasons are vague. Basically she is saying she doesn't feel comfortable here and this house is her 'safe space' but she won't explain what she feel safe from.

I feel it's because she's been getting worse at lots of little things like being late and getting up in the morning, not doing her chores, being rude. All of these things were adding up so I made some changes to the house rules. She participated in the discussion but now doesn't want to follow them.

There are no rules at her friends house.

We've had to mediation meetings at school but each time she has refused to come home and said she wasn't ready to make her decision yet. She has been given the choice of coming home or going to a family members but she just wants to stay at her friends. I don't think they are keeping her safe at all.

The social worker has said to call the police if she refuses to come home. I feel like this will push her further away but at this point, I have no authority at all over her and if she continues to get her way then she will run next time she's grounded etc.

WWYD?

I'm so stuck here .

I had an awful time with my DD and rules once she turned 16 I just let go of the curfew. On school nights in by 10.30 though, she was back at 3-4am for 2 weeks and has been in by 12 ever since which was her original curfew she never made, strange! I just ask that from a safety point of view that she keeps me updated and lets me know by 10.30 whether she's home or at a friends if at a friends what friends!

Two girls I know have both supposedly been grounded recently (Y12) and both pissed off to their grandparents for the duration of the 'groundings'.

DD would not have done this at 16, but now she is 17 she is much more of the 'You can't tell me what to do I'm 17' brigade.

It must be so difficult for you OP.

Just want to give a different perspective. When I was 15 I HATED living at home. Now in my 20s I have no idea why. It's cosy, easy to be in, I love visiting and staying over with my family and my dog. But at the time, I hated it. I felt trapped, was deeply depressed and grappling with mental health issues I didn't understand. I was being bullied in school and so started acting out. Never as drastically as your daughter, but I slept at friends a lot, stayed out as late as I could etc. I blamed my parents for 'making me feel that way' but I didn't realise it was my own MH issues, no fault of theirs. At the time it felt like the whole world was on my case, I hated everyone including myself and I thought it was that house that made me feel like that, but it was my own issues.
I'm not saying to cut your daughter any slack and I know how painful it must be as a mother - it seems like you care so much and you're doing everything you can, that's amazing. But these problems might run deeper than your daughter simply 'not feeling safe at home', she just might not understand. I don't have any advice on how to get her back but you're doing all the right things, don't lose hope and don't let her go no matter how hard she tries, she needs you she just doesn't realise it yet

OP - I’ve just read this thread through (going through 16yo troubles of my own) - what happened? It’s nearly 3 years later now so I don’t know if you’ll even see this but would love to know how it turned out. I do hope everything worked out ok.

Reading this post is all to close to home. I really do feel ur pain / worries we have been going through almost exact same with my 16yr old. As u say social work / police won’t do anything as they are 16 but yet until they are 18 we are classed as their guardians. This world is such a messed up place. Only difference in my case is she’s refused to come back and essentially moved into a house with no other female occupants ( so called bf and his highly disabled father ). Personally from what I can tell who are trying to poise. Her head .She is an incredibly vunrable teen with a troubled past unfortunately which I have done my upmost to try and help her through since gaining sole custody of her 4 years ago through courts and solicitors . Now I’m the one feeling upset / pissed off /let down / frustrated/ worried / was I really that dad / where did I go wrong.

I can only hope for u and me they both see sense and decide to return home and realise we love them dearly and we were trying to do what’s right by them