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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 Year old refusing to come home - WWYD?

105 replies

OnceYouAreReal · 06/04/2017 17:53

DD has been at a friends for a week. She is refusing to come home.

Her reasons are vague. Basically she is saying she doesn't feel comfortable here and this house is her 'safe space' but she won't explain what she feel safe from.

I feel it's because she's been getting worse at lots of little things like being late and getting up in the morning, not doing her chores, being rude. All of these things were adding up so I made some changes to the house rules. She participated in the discussion but now doesn't want to follow them.

There are no rules at her friends house.

We've had to mediation meetings at school but each time she has refused to come home and said she wasn't ready to make her decision yet. She has been given the choice of coming home or going to a family members but she just wants to stay at her friends. I don't think they are keeping her safe at all.

The social worker has said to call the police if she refuses to come home. I feel like this will push her further away but at this point, I have no authority at all over her and if she continues to get her way then she will run next time she's grounded etc.

WWYD?

I'm so stuck here .

OP posts:
Original poster
OnceYouAreReal · 07/04/2017 12:27

Well I've since found out she wasn't at the friends house. She fell out with her and took herself off to another friends. I know who but not where this girl lives. She is refusing to tell me.

I've said she is welcome to stay there as long as she likes but that I need an address and the parents phone number so that I can check it's ok with them. She won't hand that over.

The police rang to reiterate it wasn't a police matter - I explained I no longer knew exactly where she is so they said they'd look into it and call me back later.

I've taken the day off. I have a killer migraine and have been sick a few times. Had a couple of hours sleep and it's easing now but I'm so tired of this whole thing.

OP posts:
0dfod · 07/04/2017 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TitaniasCloset · 07/04/2017 12:54

What a nightmare. I hope it goes well with the police.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 07/04/2017 13:40

Nightmare op. My sister had a different dad to me and is six years younger. When she was fourteen she just used to disappear for days. She was with her 21 year old druggy boyfriend. Police weren't interested. I use to go looking for her.

It was only when I decided to let her bring him to mine to keep an eye on them that she stopped running off and consequently split up with him. The police are useless when you know they are okay. It's a difficult phase. Where's her dad is he around to support you?

Atenco · 07/04/2017 13:40

OP, another nightmare teenager here. I always dreamed of running away and not because my dm was bad, just because I'm an incurable romantic. I ran away when I was seven on the pretext of a punishment, but of course only got as far as the station waiting room before I realised that I hadn't a clue where to go. Did it again when I was 15 and lasted three days, because I quickly ran out of places to stay.

And DM was a lovely person who did her absolute best for us all.

Original poster
OnceYouAreReal · 10/05/2017 22:48

Well, 6 weeks later and she still isn't home.

And social services won't get involved. It's not a police matter so I can't involve them.

We have both had individual mediation sessions and I will apparently hear her reasons on Monday but she doesn't want to do a joint meeting until my responses have been passed back to her the following week so we are looking at weeks until she will be home if ever.

I'm heart broken. I miss he so much and it feels so wrong to carry on a normal life with work and stuff without her here.

I just can't see what was so awful that she's willing to give it all up and start again with a new family.

OP posts:
thesunwillout · 10/05/2017 23:16

Just read your whole thread op I'm sorry that's your update, Id be really sad too. Did you get to find out where she is?

Original poster
OnceYouAreReal · 10/05/2017 23:28

Thanks sun.
She is staying with a friend. They are happy to have her it seems.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnceYouAreReal · 10/05/2017 23:31

I asked her tonight if she was wanting to come home at some point and she said she didn't think so.

I honestly don't think she will come back now.

OP posts:
Ingles2 · 10/05/2017 23:32

Really sorry to read that Real another hand to hold here while you wait for the reasons on Monday.. I bet they are totally ridiculous reasons too. Is she yr 11 or 12

Original poster
OnceYouAreReal · 10/05/2017 23:42

She's year 11. Starting her exams this week. I feel like I've got no control at all with the situation.

I've no idea if she's revising or anything.

OP posts:
Squishedstrawberry4 · 11/05/2017 00:21

You must feel very sad OP.

You're clearly as head strong as eachother.

Would it be worth you writing out the rules here so that we can work through them to make sure they are reasonable.

What is the punishment for not following the rules? I think a week of being grounded is a very very long time! Especially as she's a young adult now and needs to be making her own decisions and learning from her own mistakes.

Personally I would compromise on some rules but not others. She is moving into adulthood and so it is better to treat her in a more adult like fashion.

You could say she is fine to come and go as she pleases but must text to keep you updated with her expected time of return and location. You promise to also keep her updated about what you're up so that you're both communicating openly as adults would. She could keep an eye out for your safety too. You're both lone females

Secondly ask her to find a solution to the 9pm phone thing. Explain you need to treat her as a young adult but at the same time need her to establish good habits with regards to sleep and getting up. Suggest she put her phone in a cupboard in her room at 10pm. Reward her on the days she manages to get up for college the next day. Maybe give her 1/5th of her allowance and lots of praise as she exits for school each day. If she fails to comply and as a result sleeps in, contact the school and let them manage her lateness/non attendance. You could request support from pastoral care and the head of year.

More then anything work on restablishing a positive bond. Children really need to know that they are accepted warts and all. Loved and valued unconditionally. Tell her the things you love and genuinely admire about her. Make her feel precious and held in good regard. She probably feels very judged right now and is pushing against the tide.

Use the meeting to set out your vision for an adult relationship. How do you want your relationship to develop with your 16-19 year old? Be compassionate and empathic in your approach, it's more likely to get her onside.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 11/05/2017 00:32

You need to meet each other half way and compromise. You're both incredibly stubborn! You refuse to bend and she refuses to bend - so you've reached stale mate. There is no way forward.

Think about the future OP. Think about the best future relationship with your DD. Think about what you need to achieve that. At the moment you're expecting her to make all the changes

upwardsandonwards33 · 11/05/2017 00:43

Is there anyway the school can mediate and talk to the parents of the friend she is staying with? It's not right that they are letting her stay there.

PopTheDragon · 11/05/2017 00:46

OP if I was you I would back off. Stop trying to contact her and if for example A&E call again I would leave her there unless she speaks to you. She's the one calling the shots here and she knows you will keep on running because you care.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 11/05/2017 18:14

What a nightmare OP, I was hoping your update would be better news. I have twin 16 year old DDs and I can't imagine what you're going through.

swingofthings · 11/05/2017 18:32

If it was my daughter, I would have to know what the real issue is. Talking about 'being safe' is nothing to do with issues with rules, and clearly it wasn't about living with the friend if she moved on, so however much it is hard to accept or try to understand, she clearly has an issue with you (assuming it is only you and her at home?).

Surely mediation is about trying to understand where it went wrong before trying to discuss solutions? Why is she so reluctant to tell you what is so bad that she won't come back home, or even interact with you in an emergency situation (A&E).

GreenRut · 11/05/2017 18:46

Hi op. What an awful situation for you to be in. I've witnessed something very similar first hand and all you can do now is exactly what you are doing: no pressure but making sure she knows you are there, but at the same time that you are not a walk over. She is testing you. She doesn't know she is testing you necessarily. She is creating a situation which she has to believe has a foregone conclusion (that you don't care about her) so she's gone too far now to prove the point and is too proud to back off.

Is there a bf involved at all, do you know?

She WILL come back. It might not be that she physically comes back and it might be a couple of years - but she'll be yours again.

Flowers
Ingles2 · 12/05/2017 07:33

Oh what a nightmare! I wonder if her life has had just got too much atm, and so she's run away to avoid it all. Is she attending school regularly do you know? Or is she on study leave? really think the best thing to do is sit tight, try and keep calm, and let her come to you. Flowers

gamerchick · 12/05/2017 07:47

I just can't see what was so awful that she's willing to give it all up and start again with a new family

Because in her eyes you're too strict, you can't ground a 16 yr old for missing curfew and now she's tasted a different life which isn't suffocated by so many rules it's doubtful she'll come back now even if you relax them.

UrsulaPandress · 12/05/2017 07:56

Is she expected to do well in her exams?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 12/05/2017 09:23

Gamerchick - 16 is still quite young though, as in she's still at school at a very important part of her education.

How do you get the balance right between letting them do exactly what they want, and having some ground rules whilst living at home. I think it's very very difficult, particularly if you have a headstrong teen as this one obv is.

gamerchick · 12/05/2017 12:42

I know but it's still too old to ground.

It's not about letting them do what they want, it's about letting them find their own way. Trust what you've taught them from being little. Ask them what they think would be fair when it comes to stuff and compromise. Give them extra responsibility. Treat them as young ladies rather than little kids who have to do as they're told.

My mother was ultra strict and along with not attending to my more obvious needs she just didn't listen to the ones that were important to me. I was suffocated and miserable.

I moved out at 16 and it was hard not having a solid base to sleep and call home but preferable to living at home.

user1466690252 · 12/05/2017 12:49

this was me at 16 OP. my family were as lovely as you sound, I was just headstrong, a rage of hormones and would cut off my nose to spite my face. I didn't speak to them for 3 years! I cant imagine what your going through, I don't even know what my parents could of done differently, I was with a bad crowd whos parents gave them no rules and that was more appealing. I cried most nights tho, I wanted them. I was just to stubborn to go. I havn't got much advise I'm sorry.

specialsubject · 12/05/2017 13:32

Two hours late, ignoring phone calls , bone idle in the house and by the sounds if it has some very nasty things to say?

Headstrong isn't the word I would use about this kid.

Behave like a stroppy toddler, get treated like one. Want to be treated like an adult? Behave like one.

But while there are people to sponge off, why change? Pity this will stuff her exams, but if she gets off her arse in future this is retrievable.

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