16 Year old refusing to come home - WWYD?

[OnceYouAreReal]

DD has been at a friends for a week. She is refusing to come home.

Her reasons are vague. Basically she is saying she doesn't feel comfortable here and this house is her 'safe space' but she won't explain what she feel safe from.

I feel it's because she's been getting worse at lots of little things like being late and getting up in the morning, not doing her chores, being rude. All of these things were adding up so I made some changes to the house rules. She participated in the discussion but now doesn't want to follow them.

There are no rules at her friends house.

We've had to mediation meetings at school but each time she has refused to come home and said she wasn't ready to make her decision yet. She has been given the choice of coming home or going to a family members but she just wants to stay at her friends. I don't think they are keeping her safe at all.

The social worker has said to call the police if she refuses to come home. I feel like this will push her further away but at this point, I have no authority at all over her and if she continues to get her way then she will run next time she's grounded etc.

WWYD?

I'm so stuck here .

[Helplessdad1]

Reading this post is all to close to home. I really do feel ur pain / worries we have been going through almost exact same with my 16yr old. As u say social work / police won’t do anything as they are 16 but yet until they are 18 we are classed as their guardians. This world is such a messed up place. Only difference in my case is she’s refused to come back and essentially moved into a house with no other female occupants ( so called bf and his highly disabled father ). Personally from what I can tell who are trying to poise. Her head .She is an incredibly vunrable teen with a troubled past unfortunately which I have done my upmost to try and help her through since gaining sole custody of her 4 years ago through courts and solicitors . Now I’m the one feeling upset / pissed off /let down / frustrated/ worried / was I really that dad / where did I go wrong.

I can only hope for u and me they both see sense and decide to return home and realise we love them dearly and we were trying to do what’s right by them

[LeeGreen]

OP - I’ve just read this thread through (going through 16yo troubles of my own) - what happened? It’s nearly 3 years later now so I don’t know if you’ll even see this but would love to know how it turned out. I do hope everything worked out ok.

[KnockedOutByMyNungaNungas]

Just want to give a different perspective. When I was 15 I HATED living at home. Now in my 20s I have no idea why. It's cosy, easy to be in, I love visiting and staying over with my family and my dog. But at the time, I hated it. I felt trapped, was deeply depressed and grappling with mental health issues I didn't understand. I was being bullied in school and so started acting out. Never as drastically as your daughter, but I slept at friends a lot, stayed out as late as I could etc. I blamed my parents for 'making me feel that way' but I didn't realise it was my own MH issues, no fault of theirs. At the time it felt like the whole world was on my case, I hated everyone including myself and I thought it was that house that made me feel like that, but it was my own issues.
I'm not saying to cut your daughter any slack and I know how painful it must be as a mother - it seems like you care so much and you're doing everything you can, that's amazing. But these problems might run deeper than your daughter simply 'not feeling safe at home', she just might not understand. I don't have any advice on how to get her back but you're doing all the right things, don't lose hope and don't let her go no matter how hard she tries, she needs you she just doesn't realise it yet

[UrsulaPandress]

Two girls I know have both supposedly been grounded recently (Y12) and both pissed off to their grandparents for the duration of the 'groundings'.

DD would not have done this at 16, but now she is 17 she is much more of the 'You can't tell me what to do I'm 17' brigade.

It must be so difficult for you OP.

[Lottielottie42]

I had an awful time with my DD and rules once she turned 16 I just let go of the curfew. On school nights in by 10.30 though, she was back at 3-4am for 2 weeks and has been in by 12 ever since which was her original curfew she never made, strange! I just ask that from a safety point of view that she keeps me updated and lets me know by 10.30 whether she's home or at a friends if at a friends what friends!

[specialsubject]

Two hours late, ignoring phone calls , bone idle in the house and by the sounds if it has some very nasty things to say?

Headstrong isn't the word I would use about this kid.

Behave like a stroppy toddler, get treated like one. Want to be treated like an adult? Behave like one.

But while there are people to sponge off, why change? Pity this will stuff her exams, but if she gets off her arse in future this is retrievable.

[user1466690252]

this was me at 16 OP. my family were as lovely as you sound, I was just headstrong, a rage of hormones and would cut off my nose to spite my face. I didn't speak to them for 3 years! I cant imagine what your going through, I don't even know what my parents could of done differently, I was with a bad crowd whos parents gave them no rules and that was more appealing. I cried most nights tho, I wanted them. I was just to stubborn to go. I havn't got much advise I'm sorry.

[gamerchick]

I know but it's still too old to ground.

It's not about letting them do what they want, it's about letting them find their own way. Trust what you've taught them from being little. Ask them what they think would be fair when it comes to stuff and compromise. Give them extra responsibility. Treat them as young ladies rather than little kids who have to do as they're told.

My mother was ultra strict and along with not attending to my more obvious needs she just didn't listen to the ones that were important to me. I was suffocated and miserable.

I moved out at 16 and it was hard not having a solid base to sleep and call home but preferable to living at home.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Gamerchick - 16 is still quite young though, as in she's still at school at a very important part of her education.

How do you get the balance right between letting them do exactly what they want, and having some ground rules whilst living at home. I think it's very very difficult, particularly if you have a headstrong teen as this one obv is.

[UrsulaPandress]

Is she expected to do well in her exams?

[gamerchick]

I just can't see what was so awful that she's willing to give it all up and start again with a new family

Because in her eyes you're too strict, you can't ground a 16 yr old for missing curfew and now she's tasted a different life which isn't suffocated by so many rules it's doubtful she'll come back now even if you relax them.

[Ingles2]

Oh what a nightmare! I wonder if her life has had just got too much atm, and so she's run away to avoid it all. Is she attending school regularly do you know? Or is she on study leave? really think the best thing to do is sit tight, try and keep calm, and let her come to you.

[GreenRut]

Hi op. What an awful situation for you to be in. I've witnessed something very similar first hand and all you can do now is exactly what you are doing: no pressure but making sure she knows you are there, but at the same time that you are not a walk over. She is testing you. She doesn't know she is testing you necessarily. She is creating a situation which she has to believe has a foregone conclusion (that you don't care about her) so she's gone too far now to prove the point and is too proud to back off.

Is there a bf involved at all, do you know?

She WILL come back. It might not be that she physically comes back and it might be a couple of years - but she'll be yours again.

[swingofthings]

If it was my daughter, I would have to know what the real issue is. Talking about 'being safe' is nothing to do with issues with rules, and clearly it wasn't about living with the friend if she moved on, so however much it is hard to accept or try to understand, she clearly has an issue with you (assuming it is only you and her at home?).

Surely mediation is about trying to understand where it went wrong before trying to discuss solutions? Why is she so reluctant to tell you what is so bad that she won't come back home, or even interact with you in an emergency situation (A&E).

[BigSandyBalls2015]

What a nightmare OP, I was hoping your update would be better news. I have twin 16 year old DDs and I can't imagine what you're going through.

[PopTheDragon]

OP if I was you I would back off. Stop trying to contact her and if for example A&E call again I would leave her there unless she speaks to you. She's the one calling the shots here and she knows you will keep on running because you care.

[upwardsandonwards33]

Is there anyway the school can mediate and talk to the parents of the friend she is staying with? It's not right that they are letting her stay there.

[Squishedstrawberry4]

You need to meet each other half way and compromise. You're both incredibly stubborn! You refuse to bend and she refuses to bend - so you've reached stale mate. There is no way forward.

Think about the future OP. Think about the best future relationship with your DD. Think about what you need to achieve that. At the moment you're expecting her to make all the changes

[Squishedstrawberry4]

You must feel very sad OP.

You're clearly as head strong as eachother.

Would it be worth you writing out the rules here so that we can work through them to make sure they are reasonable.

What is the punishment for not following the rules? I think a week of being grounded is a very very long time! Especially as she's a young adult now and needs to be making her own decisions and learning from her own mistakes.

Personally I would compromise on some rules but not others. She is moving into adulthood and so it is better to treat her in a more adult like fashion.

You could say she is fine to come and go as she pleases but must text to keep you updated with her expected time of return and location. You promise to also keep her updated about what you're up so that you're both communicating openly as adults would. She could keep an eye out for your safety too. You're both lone females

Secondly ask her to find a solution to the 9pm phone thing. Explain you need to treat her as a young adult but at the same time need her to establish good habits with regards to sleep and getting up. Suggest she put her phone in a cupboard in her room at 10pm. Reward her on the days she manages to get up for college the next day. Maybe give her 1/5th of her allowance and lots of praise as she exits for school each day. If she fails to comply and as a result sleeps in, contact the school and let them manage her lateness/non attendance. You could request support from pastoral care and the head of year.

More then anything work on restablishing a positive bond. Children really need to know that they are accepted warts and all. Loved and valued unconditionally. Tell her the things you love and genuinely admire about her. Make her feel precious and held in good regard. She probably feels very judged right now and is pushing against the tide.

Use the meeting to set out your vision for an adult relationship. How do you want your relationship to develop with your 16-19 year old? Be compassionate and empathic in your approach, it's more likely to get her onside.

[OnceYouAreReal]

She's year 11. Starting her exams this week. I feel like I've got no control at all with the situation.

I've no idea if she's revising or anything.

[Ingles2]

Really sorry to read that Real another hand to hold here while you wait for the reasons on Monday.. I bet they are totally ridiculous reasons too. Is she yr 11 or 12

[OnceYouAreReal]

I asked her tonight if she was wanting to come home at some point and she said she didn't think so.

I honestly don't think she will come back now.

[OnceYouAreReal]

Thanks sun.
She is staying with a friend. They are happy to have her it seems.

[thesunwillout]

Just read your whole thread op I'm sorry that's your update, Id be really sad too. Did you get to find out where she is?

[OnceYouAreReal]

Well, 6 weeks later and she still isn't home.

And social services won't get involved. It's not a police matter so I can't involve them.

We have both had individual mediation sessions and I will apparently hear her reasons on Monday but she doesn't want to do a joint meeting until my responses have been passed back to her the following week so we are looking at weeks until she will be home if ever.

I'm heart broken. I miss he so much and it feels so wrong to carry on a normal life with work and stuff without her here.

I just can't see what was so awful that she's willing to give it all up and start again with a new family.