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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16 Year old refusing to come home - WWYD?

105 replies

OnceYouAreReal · 06/04/2017 17:53

DD has been at a friends for a week. She is refusing to come home.

Her reasons are vague. Basically she is saying she doesn't feel comfortable here and this house is her 'safe space' but she won't explain what she feel safe from.

I feel it's because she's been getting worse at lots of little things like being late and getting up in the morning, not doing her chores, being rude. All of these things were adding up so I made some changes to the house rules. She participated in the discussion but now doesn't want to follow them.

There are no rules at her friends house.

We've had to mediation meetings at school but each time she has refused to come home and said she wasn't ready to make her decision yet. She has been given the choice of coming home or going to a family members but she just wants to stay at her friends. I don't think they are keeping her safe at all.

The social worker has said to call the police if she refuses to come home. I feel like this will push her further away but at this point, I have no authority at all over her and if she continues to get her way then she will run next time she's grounded etc.

WWYD?

I'm so stuck here .

OP posts:

Brokenbiscuit · 06/04/2017 23:12

Yes, what AF said. There is a reason she doesn't want to come home. What is that reason?

It must be very stressful.

ImperialBlether · 06/04/2017 23:13

This happened because the OP changed the house rules, making life more difficult for the daughter, who was being really lazy.

Original poster

OnceYouAreReal · 06/04/2017 23:13

I don't know what else to tell you AF. There is nothing deeper going on here. I don't beat or abuse her. She has everything she needs here.

She knows she's not going to be on the streets. She knows they will let her stay.

She has openly said if I want her back I have to drop the house rules. She is holding out for getting her way.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/04/2017 23:14

I am not having a go at you, op

elephantoverthehill · 06/04/2017 23:15

The school must know about the arrangements, could you both meet on the neutral ground of the school with the outside agencies to start the first steps of the way forward?

AnyFucker · 06/04/2017 23:16

If you truly think that is the case then stop trying to persuade her to come home. Leave it completely. Assume she has made her choice.

Original poster

OnceYouAreReal · 06/04/2017 23:16

Oh and she is now back at their house apparently.

Sent me a text saying 'go ahead' meaning call the police. I don't know what to tell her about them not going to her. She will count it as a win and proof that I'm going over the top.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/04/2017 23:18

Disengage then. Send her neutral and mildly accepting one sentence replies. Back right off.

Original poster

OnceYouAreReal · 06/04/2017 23:20

We've had two mediation meetings at the school this week. She refused to enter until the last 5 minutes for both. She had written down her alternative rules. Apparently I'm not allowed to ground her as this upsets her.

If I just stop trying then what? She might never come home. She is 16. Still my legal responsibility.

OP posts:

Scarftown · 06/04/2017 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrawberryJelly00 · 06/04/2017 23:21

I kind of agree with AF seems like very odd behaviour to just happen out of the blue.

Has her behaviour/response to your rules been deteriorating gradually?

I would be very worried about CSE - god knows how worried you must be.

The Police would visit her last known address and bring her back home if she is there however I do agree that this may just push her further away or it may just show her you care enough to take serious action.

ImperialBlether · 06/04/2017 23:21

I wouldn't give the parents any money for food etc. I wouldn't give any pocket money. I'd text both the parents and your daughter and say "This is pathetic. I simply asked you to follow some house rules that any decent parent would ask of everyone in the house." And I'd hold firm - she's trying to hold you to ransom and it's not on.

ImperialBlether · 06/04/2017 23:22

What are the other parents like? Do you think they are too soft with their own children?

StrawberryJelly00 · 06/04/2017 23:23

I mean who is the family that are keeping her there and how much do you know about them?
Do you have good communication with them?
Seems odd that they are not trying to faciliate getting her back home to you?
What has she told them? How can they be happy to accept her living with them with no explanation.

Doesn't add up

BakerBear · 06/04/2017 23:23

Have they asked for money for letting her stay? If they do refuse to give any money

JaneEyre70 · 06/04/2017 23:24

Trouble is that at the moment she's creating all this drama and attention and is very much Queen Bee.
Staying with a friend with no rules, no responsibilities or consequences isn't doing that any favours at all and I think these parents aren't remotely helping you out here.

You said that at the mediation she was given the choice of home or a family member, but she chose the friend. Meaning she got her own way.
I think you are going to have to come down pretty hard here OP, and at least get her to a family member. Either that or the care threat. And mean it.
The longer she stays with this friend, the worse it is going to get.

I've got 3 DDs OP, you have my sympathy. It's the toughest test of your sanity and inner strength. 24/7. Thankfully mine all came out the other side as pretty amazing young women but strewth it was hard getting there.

Brokenbiscuit · 06/04/2017 23:25

Not blaming you at all, OP, but is it possible that she has a point? Are you too strict? Is it still appropriate to ground a 16yo? Genuine question, btw, my parents never applied sanctions like that so I don't really know what the norm is.

Original poster

OnceYouAreReal · 06/04/2017 23:26

The police won't visit her. They said she isn't in any danger and they couldn't force her home.

I won't pay them any money. I gave her the week for her space. I went to the mediation. I haven't pushed her at all.

But maybe I should just back off. It feels like I'm giving up on her and I really don't think she'll ever come home again.

OP posts:

newdaylight · 06/04/2017 23:28

I doubt calling the police would help much, if she's in a place of safety. In my experience they'd be unlikely to do anything now she's 16.

Travelledtheworld · 06/04/2017 23:29

Sorry you are having to deal with this OP.
She will have spun her friends family a story and they think they are "helping" her.

I agree with many other posters. Back off. Minimise the contact with her. Try and talk to friends family and find out what they she has told them. Keep calm.

newdaylight · 06/04/2017 23:29

Ah, I see you've already phoned them. And the response was as I thought.

MovingtoParadise · 06/04/2017 23:32

You've done all you can

I'd leave her alone now because she's clearly trying to create drama. If you go any further she will just claim you've made her not pass her exams etc.

Just leave her alone and let her make her own mistakes.

Original poster

OnceYouAreReal · 06/04/2017 23:33

Sorry, missed a heap of replies.

They haven't asked for money and wouldn't need it. They are much better off then I am.

They have said they won't question her about why she won't come home. They won't push her in any way. I feel like they are too soft. At various points this week they have not known where the girls are. I don't need a minute by minute account but I'd like to know where they are heading after school or late at night.

I don't think I'm too strict. The grounding was a last resort because she refused to follow an of the rules. She was late home by a few hours two days running, refused to answer her phone to me when I did call to find out where she was and then refused to hand over her phone at night. (otherwise she doesn't sleep and then won't get up in the morning)

OP posts:

TitaniasCloset · 06/04/2017 23:36

I agree with backing off now. This is a battle of wills and attention seeking, along with her enjoying the freedom at her friends place.

Take care of yourself as this must be so upsetting. There is a limit to how much you can do because of her age.

Original poster

OnceYouAreReal · 06/04/2017 23:37

Yes I think I will back off.

I've got no idea what else to do so I've nothing to lose I guess.

I hope she doesn't make too many mistakes. I hope she comes back to us.

OP posts:

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