16 Year old refusing to come home - WWYD?

[OnceYouAreReal]

DD has been at a friends for a week. She is refusing to come home.

Her reasons are vague. Basically she is saying she doesn't feel comfortable here and this house is her 'safe space' but she won't explain what she feel safe from.

I feel it's because she's been getting worse at lots of little things like being late and getting up in the morning, not doing her chores, being rude. All of these things were adding up so I made some changes to the house rules. She participated in the discussion but now doesn't want to follow them.

There are no rules at her friends house.

We've had to mediation meetings at school but each time she has refused to come home and said she wasn't ready to make her decision yet. She has been given the choice of coming home or going to a family members but she just wants to stay at her friends. I don't think they are keeping her safe at all.

The social worker has said to call the police if she refuses to come home. I feel like this will push her further away but at this point, I have no authority at all over her and if she continues to get her way then she will run next time she's grounded etc.

WWYD?

I'm so stuck here .

[TitaniasCloset]

The other parents should really be sending her home. Have you spoken to them?

[TitaniasCloset]

Do you have other children to ficus on?

[TitaniasCloset]

Focus

[OnceYouAreReal]

Thanks everyone.

I'm trying not to take it personally. It feels like the last 16 years counted for nothing but I know she will appreciate them one day.



[ImperialBlether]

She'll come back to you, don't worry about that. Treat this as a little holiday from her and enjoy the rest. Don't get into arguing the toss with her.

The fact is she'll behave herself at her friend's house and if they've got any sense they'll make her do some jobs. Hopefully the parents will be decent enough to say, "If you can do that here, why not do it at home?"

Horrible position for you. I really feel for you.

[PickAChew]

I was going to ask what the grounding was for, but oyu just said!

She's probably aware that, as a 16 year old, you can't necessarily tell her what to do (in her eyes). OK, so it's fair enough to have house rules, but she's worked out that she can't be beholden to them.

i think that all you can do is to take a step back, at this point, and make it clear to her that she knows where you are if her grand plans go tits up and that you're ready to listen if she has something to tell you.

[ImperialBlether]

You have to keep calm, OP (though I know I'd be shrieking, so not blaming you if you are, too.) It sounds as though she enjoys the drama. If you contribute to the drama, it'll go on for ages.

I would just text friendly little messages every day. Don't ask what she's doing. You have to trust the other parents will keep her safe. Send her messages about what you're watching on TV, what the other children are doing, that sort of thing. You know how teens are - it's likely she and this girl will fall out at some point and she will come back to you.

[OnceYouAreReal]

Yes, I have a son. He's upset, keeps asking if she's coming home from her sleepover today.

She knows where we are. I guess all I can do is wait.

It feels awful though. Like a huge failure.

[PickAChew]

Think of it less as a failure than as a curveball. You thought you were being perfectly reasonable, she reacted otherwise.

[TitaniasCloset]

You are not alone, I know a few parents who have gone through this. She is clearly a strong willed and bright little madam.

[OnceYouAreReal]

Thanks Imperial the little random texts sound like a good idea.

I'm staying calm on the outside but had a bit of a wobble tonight because I thought she'd be over it by now.

I'm not going to feed the drama. She knows where I am.

[GotToGetMyFingerOut]

I was that 16 year old. I was in two minutes late and my mum slapped me and said she wished shed never had me (not saying you done that) and I was grounded. I thouvhy "grounded" at sixteen and treated like a child. Fuck this. And I moved to my dad's where I was treated age appropriately and not like a child. She begged me to come back but I didn't go. My dad treated me with respect and talked to me like a young adult. Rather than giving me rules of what I had to do. We sat with my brothers (who also left my mums because of her being too strict) and all decided together how we'd run the house as a team.

If you treat young adults like kids they will rebel.

[OnceYouAreReal]

I was a silent little mouse of a teenager. I said Yes to anything that was asked of me because I didn't want to disappoint anyone.

I wanted to raise her with more of a backbone... with more confidence to speak out if things were uncomfortable...

Apparently I did that a little too well!

It'll stand her in good sted if she can find the balance and empathy for others.

[ImperialBlether]

Oh yes, I've got one of those daughters where someone should have said 'Be careful what you wish for!'

Hold tight - you have us holding your hand. It's so hard to deal with on your own, I know. Just don't feed the drama. Stay cheerful, say you and your son are having a lovely time doing whatever. End the texts with 'lots of love' or however you do when you're both getting on. Don't complain about anything. If nothing else she'll feel a fool when she's complaining about you. Don't allow her to misinterpret any message.

[tobermory29]

Don't despair! I was you a few years ago. Daughter was a perfect child, never any issues, hit 14 and it was like a switch being flicked overnight! Nothing had changed, our relationship hadn't changed, but suddenly she hated me! "Would rather sleep on the street than stay with me!" Became verbally abusive, refused to come home, drinking! Was horrendous for 18 months! I was devastated, could not understand what had happened! Fast forward a few years, my daughter is in her early twenties and we have a wonderful relationship, and have done for a few years now. She greatly regrets the way she behaved and every now and again apologises for it. It's just a teenage reaction, doesn't happen with every child, I have others which did not demonstrate such behaviour, but, I will say, my daughter is now a young woman with opinions of her own who doesn't stand any nonsense in relationships with her peers, male or female, which, when raising my girl is what I hoped for. A backbone. And you can't develop a backbone if you don't experience growth. This is what she is doing. Hang in there, it's torturous I know, but don't feed the drama. You will come out the other side, and your girl will come back to you

[OnceYouAreReal]

Thanks everyone. It's been really useful to have your thoughts and experiences on this.

I've realised that it's best to back off now. I have told her I am always here for her and this is always her home. She can come home anytime she wants but she will be expected to follow the house rules if she does.

It's out of my hands now. I really don't see anything else I could have done and if I caved and she came back she never would have respected anything I said. She would have run at the first time I'd said no to her.

[saltandvinegarcrisps1]

It sounds like an extreme version of "normal" teen angst. I had a friend whose daughter did this at 16 - but it was her disney dad so a bit different but for same type of reasons as you DD. Of course it was all great to begin with then he got p'd off at her lazy attitude and wanted her to go back to mum. My friend said no - your choice, you stay til the end of the school year. DD now back with her, they have a lovely relationship and DD has completely changed from a stroppy demon to a thoughtful and considerate young woman. I feel for you but if you Are ,100% sure there is no abuse going on, then stepping back but keeping lines of communication open and showing love is the way to go.

[LoveDeathPrizes]

I think I'd write her a letter.

I'd let her know that I was always there for her, etc etc and really lay on all the emotional support. I wouldn't mention the house rules but I also wouldn't drop them.

Then I'd back off. And wait and hope. Sorry you're going through this, OP. I'd have acted the same as you have.

[LoveDeathPrizes]

Tricky because she's learning from you all the time. Right now she's learning 'take no shit and don't back down". Which is awesome. But god it's hard to parent that level of feist.

[yumsy]

You are doing the right thing. Freedom at the other house will get boring eventually.

Don't cave on your values and beliefs but equally, now she thinks she is an adult, she obviously wants to be in control of herself.

She sounds strong willed and stubborn therefore she will be a successful young lady!

Good luck.

[WeAllHaveWings]

Agree with other posters, back off and see what happens.

But I would be beyond raging at the other parents, who gives a stroppy teenager a Disney land home with no rules, freedom and her friend when they know she had a safe home with a very worried mum. Can you talk to the other mum away from the house and make her see she is part of the problem here?

[balence49]

I did this, at 16. Not to a family home but to a older friends... we partied hard for two years, drink, drugs, all the usual stupidly. Drove my parents crazy but they knew they couldn't force me home.

I thought I was sooo grown up... wish I knew everything and had all the answers now like I did then.

For everyone saying she must be running from something at home, not always true. I wasn't I have and had loving happy parents who I thought at the time were old fasioned and I knew better. And if course the minimum wage dead end job that I thought I was set up for life in!

Hang in there op. Give it a few weeks/ months. She will be sneaking in the house to steal bog roll and frozen food. I was a nightmare in my teens. It was and is no reflection on my upbringing/ parents. I was just a shit as many of them are. Now I hope they are proud of the life Iv built for myself with their help and support. Once I was ready to accept it!

[Reow]

I sympathise OP. I was a horrible teeenager, much worse than your daughter. Looking back I feel bad for my parents.

But tbh by the time I was 16 I would not have accepted being late home a good reason for a grounding - i'm not sure you can really ground a 16 year old who is old enough to get married and 2 years off being a legal adult. Even if it is in your home.

I know you're trying to protect her and want to know she is safe, but how long is a couple of hours? What time does she have to be home? By 6pm dinner time? Or 11pm at night?

By the time I was 16 my parents pretty much accepted that I would be coming and going on my own clock, however I always had to let them know I was safe. So it is shitty of her to not answer her phone or just text you to say she was safe and well.