DD15 wants to move out just after her birthday

[chocolateneededplease]

I'm not sure how to feel about this. My DD is 15, and will be 16 in July. Her boyfriend (19-yes I know) is applying for a apprenticeship and if he gets it he will be on £200 a month. This apprenticeship will be about 50 minutes drive away from my house. My DD will be starting college in September and she would qualify for the free college bus there and back and for EMA. She said she would get a part time job and with that and EMA, be able to afford everything needed.
I don't doubt she'd be able to look after herself, even now she's able to be left for the weekend and cook/clean/look after the dogs but it just seems awfully young. I overheard her on the phone to BF and was talking about meal planning and direct debits for bills in a separate account and bill buying and Lidl shops so she's obviously been thinking for this for a while (and I've rubbed off on her by the sounds of it ) I know it's legal for her to move out but it just doesn't sit right with me. What's your opinion?

This relationship is illegal, if it is sexual which I assume it is. She may have had crap boyfriends before but an adult having a relationship with a child and encouraging her to leave home isn't much better. I too would be speaking to nspcc. I can't see what school would do. I do know someone whose dd was in this situation and the 19 year old was given a police warning. However I can see you don't want to make things worse. It is a very tricky situation but yes, he is abusing her. She is below the age of consent. I'd be looking at boarding school!

OP you mentioned she shares her bedroom with a younger sister. At 15 no doubt she wants her own space and sees moving out as a way to get it. She will be thinking to take her teddies with her!

It's a tough situation because saying no isn't going to help matters - OP mentioned there have already been issues with older boyfriends and lying etc. If not this boyfriend and this arrangement then something else will take place potentially even more risky or damaging. I think unfortunately all you can do OP is wave her off with a big smile and be sure to keep a space for her at home. Keeping in mind teenage pride means DD will try to minimise any difficulties she encounters. Even if she feels she has made a huge mistake she won't want to admit it.

My major worry is that she avoids pregnancy until she is old enough to consciously choose to bring a child into the world. Please tell us she is on the contraceptive implant or the coil? Some form of contraception that can't be forgotten or mislaid?

I must say I'm having trouble building up a picture of this DD. On the one hand she's had a string of unsuitable bfs and was borderline 'beyond parental control' and on the other she's totally responsible when left on her own all weekend and dreams of direct debits.

Op the fact she's had several older boyfriends is extremely worrying you have a duty of care for her and your failing her if you allow this to happen. They are likely having an sexual relationship which by law is considered rape. I have to question why a lad of that age would be going out with a girl so young. If I found out my dd had been dating an 19 year old at 15 he wouldn't have got pass dh or her dbs and would have been reported to the police.

Some social services intervention may help.

I see a child with low self esteem, low aspirations who will likely end up in an abusive relationship seeing how at 15 she already has a pattern of this and will probably be pg before long. Unlikely to finish school.
She needs help.

But people are assuming they are having a sexual relationship. It's possible they are not.
People are assuming the job is minimum wage, when the op has said it's a part time job.
People are assuming they have been together since she was 14.

Theresnonamesleft he's 19 year old lad the likely hood is he will be wanting to have a sexual relationship it doesn't take a genuis to realise that. She maybe feeling pressured to have sex due to his age aswell.

She might not though. He might actually be respectful of her, it's not unheard of for a bloke to respect his partner and not have sex or badger her for sex.

Oh do give over, Theresnonamesleft

Pull the other leg theresnonamesleft are you that naive. If he was respectful he wouldn't engage in a relationship until she wasn't a legal age and even then wouldn't be encouraging her to move in with him!

@theresnonamesleft This teenage schoolgirl is not his "partner", she's a child he is having underage sex with and encouraging to leave home. It's an illegal and immoral relationship. If you think this is a respectful situation you have very very poor boundaries and no idea of what constitutes a respectful relationship.
The ops dd is a CHILD. Not a partner in an adult relationship but a participant in an abusive one by virtue that she is below the age of consent. The boyfriend is committing an offence.

FFS

I've got a son a month younger than the OP's daughter and he's a child! No way would he even think about moving out - he's got A-levels to get, university to go to, big aspirations that, no doubt, will be tempered in time. I don't think he could think of anything worse than living in a grotty flat doing all his own housework and working a part time job while studying. He wants someone to bring him coffee and buns and test him on his French vocab. I find it bizarre that so many people think that just turned 16 year olds are really adults. She's in love with an older boy and this is messing up her thinking. Statistically the odds are against this relationship working out, even without all the stress of budgeting.

Well, if they are having a sexual relationship then I agree, it's obviously illegal, but as the OP has not said that people should stop assuming.

I bet there are a slew of people here who had sex under age 16 (not me, I was 19 the first time).

Ontopofthesunset

"he's got A-levels to get, university to go to, big aspirations "

Those are his aspirations, not hers.

Well, I know, but I find it slightly depressing g that her aspirations should be to shack up with an older guy and work really hard to make ends meet when she doesn't have to.

Regardless if you had sex underage. He is of an age to know morally and legally it wrong to pursue a relationship with intent to start a sexual one with this girl which the fact they want there own place suggests very much they are in a sexual relationship.

I can't believe that op is allowing this happen! He is affectively abusing her sexually and grooming her. If he was charged he would be convicted and made to sign the sex offenders register.

OutToGetYou

Ontopofthesunset

"he's got A-levels to get, university to go to, big aspirations "

Those are his aspirations, not hers.

Op sure can aspire her dd not to shack up with a boyfriend and encourage this time start a career before she utilmately ends up pregnant.

Mouldy I suggested school because they will have someone responsible for safeguarding the pupils.

Is there any way she could have more privacy at home? I think she is desperate for her own space and worried about losing the boyfriend if he is so far away. Do you have a dining room or could you split another room in two?

I would be concerned he is grooming her for sexual exploitation tbh. She wouldbe extremely vulnerable on a flat miles away. He could very easily and quickly get control over her. She can't come back home when she's had enough if she's got no money for bus fare or he's monitoring her phone.

Moving in literally as soon as she turns 16 screams that it is all sex motivated in some way or another.

I would talk to the school too as a starting point.

I looked into renting recently wrt my soon to be 18yo DD wanting to move in with her BF. For what it's worth, your DD sounds in many ways more sensible, mature and forward looking than mine. But I still wouldn't be keen.

Round here, upfront they need

• 6 weeks rent as deposit
• 1 months rent up front
• fees ~£450

They also need to be earning 2.5x monthly rental per month. This has to be regular, so not temporary, zero hours or during probationary period.

So maybe you can slow them down by finding out more about upfront costs.

If she is commuting 50mins each way to college, and has a part time job, will she have time to both do her college work and spend time with BF?

I'm sorry but it sounds like this girl craves stability. You say she floats between you and her dad, which can be very unsettling for a child growing up with no permanent setting. A string of unsuitable boyfriends, what makes you think this man is any different? Because that's what he is, a grown man, in a (more than likely) sexual relationship with a 15 year old child. How long have they been together? What do you (or her for that matter) really know about him, how much time does he spend around your home? The financial aspect of this would not be my first worry here, it would be the wellbeing of my child. I can't understand why you seem so blasé about this, and why you only seem to be concerned about the finances??

He is not grooming her fgs. We've known the family for years, they got together about 5 months ago. He's just in the last month turned 19. He's a lovely responsible lad who I've known for years. If I thought he was going to harm my daughter in any way, I would have called the police as I have done in the past on a 'boyfriend' of hers. If they were going to do this, it wouldn't be till November/December as I've now agreed with her.

Sorry people are giving you a hard time about this OP.

I spent the weekend with a friend who moved out to live with her boyfriend when she was 17. He was 27. Her parents were horrified and did not speak to her for years.
He was loving and supportive and encouraged her to go to university and stick at it until she got a very good degree.
Looking back she said it was really hard. She had to run a household and study at the same time. Despite taking the pill she was terrified she would get pregnant. She missed out on all the fun socialising at University and had to grow up quickly, but they had a happy and stable relationship for 15 years until sadly, he died. She is now on her second marriage.

Just to show that it can be done, really.

OF course he is grooming you are utterly disgraceful op you should be ashamed of yourself what type of mother allows them to start a relationship shortly after she turned 15! And your ok with that! Given it's 4 months to her next birthday and they been together for 5 months that's 9months together before she reaches 16!!!

Doesn't matter if you know their family what 18/19 year old gets into a relationship with a child! Now you will facilitate her moving in with him. Poor girl doesn't know any different or how wrong this set up is!