DD15 wants to move out just after her birthday

[chocolateneededplease]

I'm not sure how to feel about this. My DD is 15, and will be 16 in July. Her boyfriend (19-yes I know) is applying for a apprenticeship and if he gets it he will be on £200 a month. This apprenticeship will be about 50 minutes drive away from my house. My DD will be starting college in September and she would qualify for the free college bus there and back and for EMA. She said she would get a part time job and with that and EMA, be able to afford everything needed.
I don't doubt she'd be able to look after herself, even now she's able to be left for the weekend and cook/clean/look after the dogs but it just seems awfully young. I overheard her on the phone to BF and was talking about meal planning and direct debits for bills in a separate account and bill buying and Lidl shops so she's obviously been thinking for this for a while (and I've rubbed off on her by the sounds of it ) I know it's legal for her to move out but it just doesn't sit right with me. What's your opinion?

Are they sure they can cover all the bills? Are they just thinking rent and food? Have they considered gas, elec, water, council tax, internet, mobile phone bills, clothes. They're not going to be able to save much. How are they going to furnish a flat? How are they going to pay a deposit?

It's going to be complicated with the tenancy OP - I have a tenant who is 17 (soon to be 18) and currently her grandparents are the tenants and she is a permitted tenant. Her grandparents therefore pay me all the rent and are ultimately responsible. When she turns 18 it will go into her name but I require her grandparents to be guarantors. She also paid a bigger deposit.

Lots of landlords might be put off by their ages and they may struggle to find a place.

Many stipulate that the earning income must be 4 times the rent per month.

Don't underestimate the cost of renting - you're looking at a £600 deposit minimum, applicant fees, etc etc.

Not to mention a huge responsibility - one that I wouldn't want a child of mine to have at 15. What are her life plans? How will she manage school whilst she is busy running a home and doing Lidl shops?

00100001 and some people overcome many bad circumstances and choices. I still wouldn't want that for my child. And the fact it worked out for a few people wouldn't change my mind. It's not a means to an end - I want my DC to enjoy all their childhood, and that includes when they're 16/17.

I would not want my just-turned-16 year old to leave home, support herself and live with someone while doing A levels

This, not least because she'll have so little free time to actually study. And I don't just mean holding down a part time job, I mean all the time involved in running a home. I think it's a disasterous choice and, as a PP said, quite life limiting. There's no way she'll want to go to university when she has a flat and a boyfriend to consider. Even if she commuted to a university, she still would struggle to associate with any other freshers because her life and responsibilities would be so different to theirs.

I did this, so did three of my friends. We are all fucked financially now.
That going on girlie holidays, hair cuts, make up, spending a months wages on clothes. Nights out. I've never done it. Yes it's all material but I think it's how you find yourself.

Uni, travelling and further education- out the window as you have to keep on the treadmill to pay the bills.

Trying to keep my story short I rent privately without a hope in hell of buying. The instability and additional cost that comes with that is huge and has a massive impact on my children.

I fucked up and they are paying the price.

My three friends who did the same, they've gone on to "marry well" (not the ones they moved out with) so are ok, but each of them have battled huge debt, have struggle to find "home" and we joke our midlife crisis are going to be amazing.

When I look back (and I'm sure this isn't the case for you as your posting here) we were all trying to give ourselves some sort of stability we weren't getting at home.

My advice, keep her home! You can't force her but make home more attractive, she wants freedom and to play "house". So if you've got a way of giving her that whilst keeping her there, do it. You can sell it to her on the guise of I don't want you to rent, you need to finish your education and save for a deposit. Getting driving licenses and cars
The thing with our country is if you fuck up with education, your on your own. You get one chance with all the support after that it's much harder to start it again.

Make sure she knows if it goes tits up she can come home. Tread carefully with your wording so you don't push her away. She hasn't had the freedoms of adulthood yet, let alone throwing those away to play house.

For all those that have asked about uni, she's insistent she doesn't want to go, and has been since before she got with bf so it's not like he's influenced that. I'll sit them both down tonight and have a chat with them

I can see that persuading her is a delicate matter, but I think I would say how great her boyfriend is, how well he has done getting an apprenticeship, how well she has done getting her college place, and that as her parent it is your job to look after her until the end of her A levels / course. Not her job to be supporting her bf to leaf an adult life.

Because essentially that is what she is doing, if she spends her EMA and works towards a flat.

Are there ways you can facilitate her spending time with him while she stays at home?

I would say a flat no-way to my 15, summer-birthday coming up teen, but I know that that would be reluctantly accepted.

Morethan I too I'm quite shocked at the responses hell would freeze over if my newly 16year old moved out. She's 15 and seeing a 19 year old! Surely that's illegal and I would be contacting the police, is your dd still in school? At that age they are transitioning from child to young adult and are extremely vulnerable. There's no way I would allow my child be put in an inappropriate environment with an older boy. The likelyhood is she highly vulnerable to emotional and physical abuse and also getting pregnant. You would be sending the wrong message to allow this to happen.

This would not be happening.

EMA still exists in Scotland as people on my college course receive it right now

DS recently asked how much we charge tenants for rent, how much bills on top etc. He is similar age to your Dd's bf, but earns more. He realised he'd be better off at home saving for a bit longer. I think they would struggle and it wouldn't be as much fun as they think- no money for going out, leisure, holidays.

To those that say no way, what do you think would happen?
How would that affect your relationship?
She can still go regardless of what you say.
Do you think she would gladly come home if it goes tits up? Of course she wouldn't.

It's about letting her come to the right conclusion on her own after all forbidden love is much sweeter

She is 15 her boyfriend is affectively grooming her and now there's talks of moving into together when she's coming of age? This has disaster written all over it. Personally I don't see a 16 year have full capacity to make such a big leap, bearing mind she's ONLY turning her 16. Those couple of years are crucial development before she enters into the real world. There is something quite chilling that he is so much older than she is. What young adult goes out with a 15year old girl?

No, it's not illegal for a 16yo to have a 19yo boyfriend.
No her age does not make her vulnerable to abuse and pregnancy, that's about education not age.
I think a lot of you are over playing this "running a home" malarkey, there's two of them to do it and it's really not onerous, especially with no kids (if you ignore the Mumsnet nonsense of needing clean towels daily and clean sheets weekly and ironing your knickers, etc).
None of that is going to stop her. If she wants to go, she'll go.

The OP needs to be supportive and talk through the cost implications (none of this "running a home" business, it's not 1950 any more). Tell her you'd prefer her to stay, list the positive things she gets from the home environment but support her. Be there if it goes wrong. Send food parcels!

Outtogetyou the girl is 15 she is 16 in July it is extremely worrying why a 19 year would be going out with a 15year old.

Yes her age does increase the likelyhood of her suffering emotional and physical abuse and not to meantion unplanned pregnancy.

Unfortunately if the dd wants to move out there's nothing the op can do. The dd can just leave. I am not saying this is right.

As for they will struggle. They will be on 1500 a month for the two of them. Of course they will survive. There's people including families all over the country that are on this and less. Even with £600 a month for rent that still leaves £900 for everything else. Gas and electric will be minimal because they will be out every day. Ct will be reduced because only he will be paying unless he's on 195 then he's exempt. So that's 600 a month at least for food after all bills.

How long has the 19yo been having underage sex with this girl ?

She is not 16 until July. So I am assuming they have been "together" for some time if they are planning to set up home. So I am thinking 14 ?

This situation should not have got this far in the first place.

So that's 600 a month at least for food after all bills.

Yes, assuming the DD gets this GBP600 a month job, which as I pointed out up thread equates to 150 hours at NMW - hardly PT.

I find it quite sad that in this day and age there's someone whose aspirations age 15 extend to shopping at Lidl, setting up DDs for the bills and working round the clock to pay for it all.

Surely that's what you settle for when it all goes tits up. It's not meant to be your starting point.

Does the BF have a car to commute to work? Would it be an option to see if they would consider him moving in with her at your house (paying rent and share of bills) for 6 months/a year to try it out and save up some cash so if they do move out together they can afford a deposit/furniture etc?

I am not getting all the talk about finances. It is irrelevant.

This is already a morally corrupt situation. An adult male has been having sex with a 15yo for some considerable time.

Me and DP did this on two apprenticeship salaries at 18. We were bringing home about £900 joint. We rented a room and just about managed but it wasn't fun. I would smile, let her get on with it and be ready if she does need to come back.

Don't bail them out if they fall behind on rent though, and definitely do not be their guarantor.

Thankgod for AF glad to see someone else sees sense and sees this situation for what it is, I thought I was going mad that people hadn't picked up on the fact this girl is underage. It never seems to amaze me how people think once there DC turn 16 there an adult they are not, they still restrictions in place e.g drinking alcohol,smoking and gambling surely if they were see as adults they would be able to do all these things.

At 16 they are just leaving school finding their feet on whatever career paths they want to take not setting up house with their older 19 boyfriend.

Maybe change the title to 15 year old daughter wants to move in with her groomer/abuser. Then ask for advice. Mine would be contact nspcc and her school.

I wish people would read the op properly before giving advice especially given the fact this girl is legally currently underage and having a relationship with an older lad.