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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Male babysitter for 14yr old DD & 4yr old DD.

131 replies

Lifeisshort123 · 23/09/2016 12:36

My DH and my 3 boys are going to see a play tonight in London. We usually wouldn't have a problem with leaving our sensible 14yr old in charge and she has looked after her younger siblings and special needs older brother before without any issues. However, as we won't be back until about 12am as the play is at 8, I have booked a babysitter who we know vaguely. He is a 17yr old male who's mum is friends with one of my close friends. My DH thinks this is a bad idea and they should only be looked after by a female and someone over 18. Is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lifeisshort123 · 23/09/2016 13:13

I think in the future I will let her look after her herself but it's to late to cancel and she's litterally just turned 14 and I think currently I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself knowing that they are alone and possibly in danger.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lifeisshort123 · 23/09/2016 13:14

I was just making a point that I'm not one of those people who have tons of kids and use benefits. My sons are coming with DH and I to see a play.

OP posts:

mycatstares · 23/09/2016 13:18

I wouldn't leave a 17yr boy and a 14yr girl with a free house until late either..

I'm sure his a lovely lad but their both teenagers full of hormones. I also had a 19yr old boyfriend only a year older than your dd, so don't think a 17yr old is too old for anything to happen!!

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 23/09/2016 13:18

I agree that I wouldn't want her babysitting, or to be honest, home alone until so late when you are so far away. I think she's still a bit young. I did babysit until midnight/after at that age, by my parents weren't far away, it makes a difference.

However, I think it's odd to get a 17 year old to babysit. My parents did this once in a similar situation & I was mortified. An actual adult would have been ok though. At a push. L

No problem with a male 17yo babysitting, just the weird 'not much of an age gap' thing. Slightly more that it's a boy, but I'd feel similar if it was a girl.

However, that's projecting really because your DD doesn't seem to have a problem with it, just your DH who is being cautious because it's a boy - and he remembers being a 17 year old boy with teenage girls! He's probably not worried the boy will take advantage of her, just that there's some potential for them to both fancy each other... Kind of a fair call really, but I'm sure that even if they did it's hardly likely to go past chatting is it.

AnyFucker · 23/09/2016 13:18

It was an innocent query. If your younger boys were being looked after elsewhere I was going to suggest your 4yo dd go with them and your 14yo stay on her own. The use of benefits (or not) never entered my head.

5moreminutes · 23/09/2016 13:19

Anyfucker OP says in her opening post that she, her DH and the 3 older sons are going to the theatre together.

brasty · 23/09/2016 13:21

I agree with your Dh. Statistically teenage boys and men are most likely to abuse children. This lad might be fine. But I would want to minimise the risk.

AnyFucker · 23/09/2016 13:21

I missed that, sorry OP, hence my confusion

But please be assured the word "benefits" or anything akin to "benefits" was nothing to do with my question.

NoFuchsGiven · 23/09/2016 13:23

My 14 yo dd would be mortified if I hired a 17 yo babysitter for her regardless if they were male or female.

Original poster

Lifeisshort123 · 23/09/2016 13:24

I suppose so, it does seem like labelling him just simply because he's a teen boy. She's got her first 'boyfriend' which is still very innocent but I'm sure she know about cheating ect and I doubt she'd want to cheat on him. They are both so sweet together. They've only hugged, they go to the cinema together and sit next to each other in class ect. I wonder how long that will last for.
It has started to worry me the fact that other people have pointed out that having a free house with a 17yr old could be an issue. Do we need to ask someone else to have her or do we take the risk?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lifeisshort123 · 23/09/2016 13:25

Ok. I didn't think that was what you were saying at all, I was just making sure.

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5moreminutes · 23/09/2016 13:26

brasty would you disapprove of a male nanny in the same grounds?

It's the age gap that is the issue I agree - I think only adults can authoritatively babysit young teens... Of either gender... Unless they already know each other in some context which set up the boundaries (if the babysitter is a Young Leader at scouts or works at the younger child's nursery maybe, rather than being at school and potentially awkward around the young teen etc.)

brasty · 23/09/2016 13:29

Unless he came with good references, yes. And nannies usually do. This is not someone with a work history and references, this is a 17 year old lad. So no I wouldn't take the risk.
And what if he fancies the 14 year old and comes on to her? There are too many possibilities here.

Original poster

Lifeisshort123 · 23/09/2016 13:32

My close friend seems to think he's a very nice guy and sensible if that counts as a good enough reference?

OP posts:

Somerville · 23/09/2016 13:34

I have a sensible 14 YO DD who babysits and I don't let her do so when I's staying out past 10, when she usually falls asleep, or going somewhere that I'm going to find it hard to get home quickly from in an emergency.

I really wouldn't get a 17 YO babysitter that she doesn't know round, or a male 17YO round. I remember being that age too well for that!

Leopard12 · 23/09/2016 13:34

Don't see why people are questioning his age, at 17 I frequently sat with a 14 boy and 10 girl they would have killed each other if left alone! Just because your 14 dd is sensible if you want someone else to assist her (not necessarily in charge of her really) then that's fine and no problem with him being male!

MsFrida · 23/09/2016 13:38

"I have to say, if I was the 14 year old, I would be pretty pissed off with having a babysitter only 3 years older."

I agree.

NoFuchsGiven · 23/09/2016 13:42

I had my first child at 15 op my boyfriend was 18. exactly the same age gap. I'm not saying your dd and him would get jiggy but that is such a close age gap to be leaving them.

Surely your dd is old enough to put her sister to bed or even let her sister sleep in her bed with her if she wants to go to bed early?

HandmaidsTail · 23/09/2016 13:44

When I was 14 I'd have died of mortification if a cool older boy was brought in to oversee my bedtime!!

VioletBam · 23/09/2016 13:44

You doubt she'd want to cheat on her boyfriend? What? With her BABYSITTER?

OP there's your issue. She's too old for a bloody babysitter.

WannaBe · 23/09/2016 13:46

Wo, people need to step back from talk of abuse and his coming on to her etc etc. Not all fourteen year olds and seventeen years olds are attracted to each other or are likely to want to rip each other's clothes off purely because they happen to be alone in the house.

And the vast majority of seventeen year olds really are not abusers just waiting for the opportunity to babysit a fourteen year old so they can abuse them. This is actually rather insulting to anyone on MN who has sons. The level of paranoia surrounding boys has gone from sensible to disturbing.

OP there are two issues here. The first is that you are hiring one of her peers to babysit her. Nothing wrong with not wanting her in the house alone at 1 AM, but bringing in someone who is essentially one of her peers sends home the message very loud and clear that you think of her as a child, and the seventeen year old as superior.

The second issue is how she feels about being told that she is fine to babysit at certain times but now she needs babysitting. How does she feel about that?

How does she feel about being in the house alone at night anyway?

How about another alternative: Could she have a friend over for a sleepover (with knowledge of the parents obviously,) so they would babysit the four year old together and then would be in the house together and not alone until you came back?

Original poster

Lifeisshort123 · 23/09/2016 13:46

She's also not old enough in my opinion to look after a 4yr old late at night.

OP posts:

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 23/09/2016 13:49

As some one that was abused by my male baby sitter I'd say no.

Obviously I know not all males are like this, my friends have some lovely sons but I just wouldn't be able to relax

Original poster

Lifeisshort123 · 23/09/2016 13:53

Considering she's 14 and he's nearly 18 I very much doubt she'd fancy him let alone, him taking a liking to him. I can't cancel him now as it's such short notice and he was probably looking forward to earning a little bit of cash. I find the whole thing about teenage boys very stereotypical and insulting. She understands that I don't want her to babysit at certain times of the day and has no issue with it.

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Cindy34 · 23/09/2016 13:53

When in my late teens (so probably 18/19) I cared for a teenager (14/15) and his younger sibling. It was sold to the teenager in such a way that I was responsible for their sibling, not them so they could then do what they liked within reason.

Your DD does not have an issue with having someone not much different in age coming to care for her younger sibling.

Does gender come in to it? No, if the babysitter was female they may show your teenage DD lesbian movies and suggest they copy! There is always risk, which is why you check references, rely on a friends recommendation.

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