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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread 2

135 replies

Peebles1 · 18/09/2016 22:25

Trying to create a new thread as we're almost full on the original one. Think we all agree the last thread was a huge support, and big thanks to Ledkr for starting it.

Let's continue to support and be kind to each other on here - all those going through challenging times with teens!

OP posts:
RickOShay · 29/12/2016 13:24

Hope Christmas was OK Harvest. Try not to define yourself by how your teenager sees you. I am so grateful that I have managed to feel better about myself before 14 yo dd really started to let rip. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. I have made a lot of mistakes. I HAVE to make my peace with that otherwise we are all lost. Try to be kind to yourself. Every day you wake up and you do your best, that is enough, that is all you can do. If I listened to dd's opinion of me life would be awful for both of us, that isn't to say that I don't crack or wobble sometimes, but it is how you feel about yourself that is important, not what they are screaming at you. Wishing us all strength.

Original poster
Peebles1 · 01/01/2017 11:28

Wishing everyone on this thread a Happy New Year. Hope 2017 brings better times for those struggling with challenging teens. Keep up the good work!

OP posts:
MuddhaOfSuburbia · 09/01/2017 21:16

I lurked on some of these threads a while ago (ds anxiety issues and a bunch of other stuff)

now- guess what- ds (19) is a DELIGHT: it's the twin DDs (13) who make me want to dig a hole in the ground with my bare hands, cover it with twigs and stay in it for the next 5 (????) years

they hate my guts- and each others- and I do not have the skillset- or the self confidence- for this

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 09/01/2017 21:17

sorry- didn't mean to barge in, but this is the line that caught my eye

Try not to define yourself by how your teenager sees you

this is the best thing I've read this week

thank you

Thingywhatsit · 09/01/2017 22:47

Muddha - you can do it, cos you've managed to get through it with your ds. But I know what you mean........ I don't have the skill set either. No teenager has a manual unfortunately - I would sell my soul for one at the moment as ds14 is driving me round the bend. He is a devious little so and so and managed to cause a huge argument between me and my parents tonight when they were round for tea. He manipulates situations to get himself out of trouble........ Unfortunately my parents can't see this and think he is a golden child. He is not...... Called school today and asked for head of year to phone me about him, as I am hoping he might give me some insight on how to handle him considering dealing with him - as I really don't have a clue....... I just want my lovely good natured pre teen back 🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁

CondensedMilkSarnies · 09/01/2017 23:00

Just wanted to add a tiny ray of hope for you all.

I posted many many times under another name a while ago about my DD. She had been expelled from school, was hanging around with a criminal , I thought my heart would stop when the police called to say she's been arrested for being in a stolen van.

She was violent towards me, frequently locking me out in the garden. We had physical scuffles when I tried to stop her going out.

I spent all night in a McDonald's because I couldn't face going home.

She got put into foster care for 2 nights because I was going to do her harm.

We took part in therapy called MST which helped a bit.

Roll on 2 years and she's lovely now! It's worth reading up on the adolescent brain. They really can't help some of their behaviour because during adolescence the brain sort of breaks while transitioning to adulthood. Which is why they have no sense of danger and can't control their temper.

Hang in there - it does get better.

3329mogue · 14/01/2017 23:00

Hi posted elsewhere but didn't get much response. Really need some support. My beautiful boy who is 18 has been diagnosed with depression and OCD. About 18 months ago he decided he didn't want to see his dad anymore as he is 'emotionally abusive' (his words, me and his dad are divorced). His dad is probably overly critical and lacks empathy but abusive, probably not. Since then our own relationship has got worse and worse. He now hates me too, looks at me with complete contempt and loathing, seems to blame me for all sorts of things. He spends his time avoiding any contact with me at all, stays out at friends, when he does come home only communicates by text if he can manage it. I asked him what I can do to help and he said I could stay away from him as much as possible as that would help as he hates seeing me. He is having counseling (which I am paying for ) and I have taken him to the go who has given him a prescription but I don't think he has taken it. I have no idea what to do any more. I feel I have lost my son who I have always been so close with. I find notes in his bedroom where he writes over and over how much he despises me, his dad and his younger brother and the sooner he can cut himself off from us the better. I miss him hugely but at the same time the way he is behaving is ruining our home life. I feel so unhappy I don't know what to do anymore. Help!

Original poster
Peebles1 · 15/01/2017 10:43

Not much advice but didn't want to read and run 3329. I wonder if the counselling has delved into his relationship with parents, upbringing etc and made him come to the conclusion that you are both to blame in some way for his depression? I'm not saying counselling is bad - I wish my DD had engaged with it more - but maybe some of the conversations there have made him see things that way? I wonder if family therapy might help? Where you both (or all if his Dad is involved) get a chance to give your point of view? It sounds like you had a good relationship with him before, so I'm sure he doesn't 'hate' you.

It's a shame he isn't taking his meds as they can really help. Will he tell you why he 'hates you'? Can you have a calm discussion with him about it? Difficult if he won't communicate at all.

Hopefully someone will come along with some better advice than mine. Hoping things improve for you all Flowers

OP posts:
Lostsoul231 · 15/01/2017 11:41

Condensedmilk
Thank you for your post. I have been going through a tough time with my 13 year old son and your post gives me hope. Not arrested or in care but very hard work at the moment and I'm hoping with support he will turn a corner soon

CondensedMilkSarnies · 15/01/2017 12:10

For some kids the transition from childhood , through adolescents into adulthood is really difficult . It's very nearly an illness IYSWIM and sometimes they can't help their behaviour. Very tough for them and parents.

girlandboy · 15/01/2017 15:18

Hi, I'm back from the previous thread. I just need to feel a bit of camaraderie I think!
DS (16) is better than a few months ago when I had my meltdown and I disappeared to a rented cottage for a few days! He acknowledged that it was because of him (and the death of my Dad) that pushed me into running away.
However today has nudged me a step closer into doing it again. Nothing in particular I suppose, just the not getting out of bed until 2pm, then hogging the bathroom for an hour while he has a lie down again etc! DH has told me that he needs "telling" and realises that I don't want that to happen because I can't stand the confrontation that will result of it. He's right, I can't bear the thought of it, but he does need telling.
He needs to start looking for a part time job, to get out of bed while it's still officially "morning" and to stop acting so bloody entitled.
It's almost like I'm frightened to tell him because of the atmosphere it will cause.
I feel sad.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 15/01/2017 16:24

I do understand how you feel, I almost stopped talking to DD altogether for fear of causing another fight. My advice would be to let him lie in (I know it's frustrating) , same goes for pigsty bedrooms, let all the small stuff go , if it's not life threatening or school work then try not to let it bother you. I really does work .x

CondensedMilkSarnies · 15/01/2017 16:31

If you have time watch this - it helped me
To understand some of DD's behaviour and to not get so worked up about it.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=kH-BO1rJXbQ

girlandboy · 15/01/2017 17:05

Thanks Condensed.
I know I'm sweating the small stuff really, and in the long run it doesn't really matter. As DS informs me, at least he's not getting pissed, smoking or shagging on the park Confused
I don't know why it's bugged me today, possibly it's built up on me. Roll on tomorrow!!

CondensedMilkSarnies · 15/01/2017 18:47

It's just irritating that they aren't living their life as we want them to. To us laying in bed all day is such a waste, but to teens it's normal and they actually do need more sleep at this time of their life .

Your son is right he could be doing a whole lot worse !x try and take a step back ( I almost had to superglue my mouth shut ) and let him get on with it, once they see your not on their case all the time things become more relaxed.

girlandboy · 16/01/2017 06:53

Yes I know. Somehow he just frustrated me more than usual this time.
My mantra these last few months has been "detach, detach, detach" and basically let him get on with it, but to be there for him when needed. But yesterday really felt like he was taking the piss a bit too much.
And yet, reading this thread makes me realise that I've got it easy in comparison to many of you. I think I just needed to vent and have a little handhold.
Thanks.

TresDesolee · 17/01/2017 12:33

Signing in because my 13 yo DS (nearly 14) is driving me up the wall, intermittently. Very clever and doing well at school - and has always been a right sweetie at heart and honest to a fault - but he's incapable of taking responsibility for his own behaviour, he's a massive braggart and he has the manners of Donald Trump. I confiscated his laptop and phone last night after he refused to go to bed and gave me loads of rude backchat and sarcasm.

Doing my best not to meet fire with fire, but the temptation to call him a tedious greasy twerp is fairly strong.

I know some of you have much bigger challenges to deal with - Flowers to everyone

CondensedMilkSarnies · 17/01/2017 17:16

Everyone's problems are equal really as its only you that's dealing with it. It's so hard not to twat teens
Round the head ! The secret is to ignore ignore ignore- just like toddlers , and then go and beat the shit out of a pillow!

TresDesolee · 17/01/2017 17:26

Thanks milk.

He came home from school, we talked for an hour, I explained about respect and sarcasm and how his behaviour impacts on the family, and then he said he wasn't going to apologise because my behaviour had been just as bad Hmm

Wish I wasn't doing Dry January

girlandboy · 17/01/2017 18:55

Aha, that's what I was told yesterday too! I asked him to be more considerate and kind and he accused me of being "really unkind and that I called him a dick!"
I most certainly didn't and told him so. He grudgingly admitted that he'd made that up, so I asked him to apologise for that.
Nope, not a chance! "I'm not going to apologise to you "

You are not alone.

Redfluffysocks · 25/02/2017 11:47

There is some great advice and support on these threads so I thought I'd join in.
One of the main things I've picked up is that you should detach and not take things personally when they shout at you and are totally selfish. That is my main problem as I do take things personally and I can't detach as I want to be involved in her life and want to know what's going on. Dd17 still has the power to reduce me to tears at times, although things are not as bad as they were a year or so ago. I guess I'm too sensitive.
Is it normal for them to take take take and give nothing back? I suppose so but I'm struggling.

flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 25/02/2017 14:04

Can I wander in ? My dh has told both DD's he's sick of the fighting so no more chores other than keeping their rooms clean which they haven't done without telling me he'd decided this Angry so all last week I'm loading and unloading and washing dishes, picking up their crap thinking " I know 2 DD's who are going to be shocked at no pocket money" only to find this out today , oh and he gave them their pocket money early AngryAngryAngry

girlandboy · 25/02/2017 20:37

I find a measure of comfort in knowing I am not alone. DS today has had a disappointment and so needed someone to blame. Seeing as I was the one who broke the news he decided to blame the messenger! Cue a day of hiding in a darkened room (him, not me!!) surly responses and generally sulky behaviour. Trouble is, even the slightest thing will set my anxiety off, so today has not been good. I want to leave home again Sad

tiredbuthappyworkingmum · 13/03/2017 11:51

I heard my 15 year old throwing up last night, when she came out the bathroom I asked if she was OK and she said yes fine.. i think she made herself sick. She complains about the size of her thighs, but she is a healthy tall girl. She does loads of sport. Not in any way fat, but a lot of her friends and her younger sister are super slim. I am not sure what to do next...

t875 · 13/03/2017 19:13

Hi I would phone BEAT and talk to them. Also get her a dr apt as she sounds like she needs help possibly. Sounds like she might have an Eating disorder or on her way, hopefully not.

Have you spoken to her about it?

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