Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread 2

[Peebles1]

Trying to create a new thread as we're almost full on the original one. Think we all agree the last thread was a huge support, and big thanks to Ledkr for starting it.

Let's continue to support and be kind to each other on here - all those going through challenging times with teens!

I think I need this thread!

I have had a pretty stressful year with DD1 (14) including 6 fixed term exclusions, including today, and twice staying out all night without letting me know.

We have social services involvement but nothing in the last 8 years has helped so I am not holding my breath! The SENCO asked me at the end of last year if I would be surprised if she had ASD yet the suspend her for not going to a class or a detention. I feel like nobody is helping.

DD2 (8) is already saying that she hates school so I am dreading her being a teenager and DD3 (6) gets anxious over the littlest things, she told me she gets sad when she sees old people because they might die.

If I wasn't at university myself I would consider home schooling DD1 but that isn't really an option.

It does feel good having somewhere I can write this where I don't feel people will get fed up of hearing it.

Hi all, my DD14 has been playing up a lot recently in so many ways. Rude, goes out when she pleases and won't tell me where she is and when she's coming home, not doing school work, up all night on social media, late for school, refusing to clear up after herself, etc, etc.

Anyway, I'd had enough with her attitude and changed the wifi password.

Then our neighbours asked her to feed their cat while they were away and she has somehow found out their wifi password and is now logging in every day and using their wifi.

Any suggestions for what I should do, if anything. I can't take her phone off her as she never lets go of it if I'm around.

Hi all- would love to join.

My dd1 is 13 and has some behavioural issues.... But not sure what's normal teen stuff and what's less in her control.
I'm a lone parent as of 6 months ago and due to give birth in the next few weeks to dc3 so finding her behaviour v overwhelming.

Leaves a trail of mess behind her ( literally every room but my bedroom has some mess from her in it right now) refuses point blank to do the one very basic daily chore I ask of her... Has also been violent in the past and given my more vulnerable state and a toddler in the mix, I need to be careful.
So glad to find a thread of people with similar issues.

I honestly can't get my head around the last three posts with 13/14 year olds that go out til all hours, effectively go missing overnight, use a neighbours wifi connection (?!) and create so much havoc.
I think I must be either old fashioned or really hard line as that kind of behaviour would result in us confiscating the phone, locking down our wifi, telling the neighbour to lock theirs down to, grounding and having meetings with school to find a way to tackle this.
How bloody stressful for you all!

Oh gosh me me.... DD15 has been beyond challenging in the last 2 years it's CONSTANT. She's at risk of permanent exclusion, refuses all work, is rude defiant and very verbally aggressive, she is lazy and creates nothing but mess wherever she goes then if you dare to ask her to fix it it's "in a minute" that minute never ends que argument and I'm
A "psycho" , she's entitled and very manipulative has made false accusations about me when I dared to try and sanction her, she has no respect for my belongings and privacy and roots through my bedroom the second I'm out helping herself then losing also opens my mail, she screams and swears however calmly you approach if it's to challenge her behaviour or actions, she says things to purposely goad "I'm going out to get paralytic " etc, only cares for her boyfriend and treats everyone else with contempt. I miss the lovely girl she once was at my wits end with her and don't know what to do, it would seem I've lost all parental control

Due to having 4 teenage girls I treat them all with respect but demand the same in return. They are far from perfect but I am not in a position to stand for nonsense from any of them.

No arguments with DD tonight. Hurrah!

Why don't some people just be grateful for problems they don't have and read other threads

No arguments is great yeoldtrout, although was your struck out comment aimed at me?

Useruser44 that all sounds exhausting. What have you tried to combat this? Probably everything I'm sure, but have you been for family counselling or had her see a guidance counsellor at school? Are there any services you can access through your GP like a family worker that could help support you, this might be helpful if your dd is making false allegations. It's so hard and saddening.

No I would imagine the 'dig' was at me!

Where do I begin she has an early help worker, a camhs ADHD support worker and we see the camhs consultant fortnightly , she doesn't really engage with any just sits there pouting and refusing to talk. It's easier said than done to challenge friends say "ground her" "take her phone" etc she is bigger than me and would never hand it over it would get physical , she goes out at the weekend but never in the week. The thing that gets to me the most is the 0 empathy she never feels bad for her actions and places the blame on me or school or whichever friend she's upset. She has periods of relative calm at home (never at school) and she is fine if you just leave well alone , as soon as you challenge , however politely you do it she completely switches .

She has been offered every talking therapy going and anger management she just won't engage.

Can I join in? I have DS 14 and DS 16. I am a really bad parent.
I don't think they're doing anything particularly unusual (lazing about, never wanting to do anything at all with us, permanently attached to phone/playstation, in their rooms all day, being super selfish, utterly obnoxious, rude and no respect for me or anything I say at all), its just that I am not adapting. I fly off the handle with no notice, and then get into awful slanging matches with them, and refuse to back down. Who's the teenager?! I apparently don't care what they think and my opinions don't warrant even listening to. I apparently have no concept of the fact they want to have fun, and am completely unreasonable.

Just had massive row with DS 16 who wants to go out for evening and for sleepover with friends (no parents around). He's had a cold this week, is knackered , needs to study, he'll be a waste of space tomorrow, etc etc. Just typing that makes me think - what the big deal - why not let him. But no, I dug my heels in, a massive row erupted leading to him storming off, he has broken a stair bannister in his anger and I'm utterly wound up. Why can't I just be what he calls a normal parent?
DS 2 - rows are almost always about screen time and homework - again flat refusal to listen or do anything I ask him to do.

Last weekend I asked them to come with me to see their elderly granddad for an hour - flat refusal, so utterly self-centred. I screeched off in the car in a big huff, threatening to move out and meaning it. Is teenagerdom catching?
I'm really ranting, but actually I think I really need some help to retrain myself, let go etc. Its making me properly miserable.

Soon time for a - will raise a glass to us all.

I've been reading pages about how to help a person who suffers with anxiety.
I'm gonna lose my mind. The answer it seems is to go all sympathetic & listening... I don't want to. B/C it feels like pandering to ridiculous perceptions of reality and value systems.

arrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh......!!

Yeoldtrout, I've done similar. Dd has bouts of anxiety, today it was real as she was going over to her Dad's and we had to have a "talk" when he dropped her off last time due to his excessive drinking while away and her stepmum behaving unreasonably - withholding Dd's phone because she wanted to whatsapp with me and her stepdad. Other issues too, none of them Dd's fault but all needed addressing. I approached it rationally and helped her to work out coping mechanisms, repeating that we only feel anxious about situations we can't control, if we have thought about how the situation might turn out and planned for that then we're taking back control and there's no need to be worrying about it. Also got her to repeat key phrases to give her tools to use - "you're making me feel really uncomfortable, can you stop now please", then if they didn't she had a secret little old phone tucked in her bag to call us if it got too much or her dad went off the deep end.
So (sorry I waffled) I don't pander. I believe in talking it out and being pragmatic, the more you talk about whatever it is the more you can rationalise it and find a way to cope with it.

User, as well as adhd has she also got oppositional defiance disorder? Or is she just being willfull and a pita for the sake of it?
I honestly don't know how I'd handle that. It sounds maddening that she is hellbent on self destruction, ruining her relationship with her family in the process.

NoArguments, can you talk it out with your eldest and be honest? You've never parented like this before and it's all as hard for you as it is for him. Apologise for being a bit unreasonable, as long as he studied for a good portion of the weekend then the party probably wouldn't have hurt at all. He needs to respect you too, if he wants permission to be independent and go to parties he needs to mature and do things like going to see his grandfather, be helpful etc.
Your youngest, bit easier to be stricter - screen time has to be earnt - homework, chores etc.
It's hard though, no manual, no concrete advice, hormones and general crap!

It's fine when DD is in a good mood, to talk about anxiety coping strategies. Not sure how much goes in, but I will keep trying.

When she's mid A-fit she's off the wall wailing that I should be more sympathetic about (pathetic thing she's lost her rag over) I feel like angry shouting back. It feels more like a tantrum than a fear attack, but then she says she can't breathe (sigh).

I think I preferred toddler tantrums when you knew they were deliberately deciding not to breathe.

To me she fits the bill 100% of having PDA but camhs in my area don't diagnose this. Think it's a bit of both she's just completely demand avoidant even if it means her missing out , bit of a worry as I can't ever imagine her having a job and taking orders, she has to be in control. E.g. I offered to pay her an amount if she did some spring cleaning with me , I asked her to hoover she said "no ill polish" , I said thanks but I've done that so it doesn't need doing, she then said "you've left me the shit job" , I said I'm paying you to do a chore that's what needs doing, she went off and polished then went mad when I said that wasn't what we agreed. She was desperate to get tickets to a music festival I put very simple ideas together of how she could get them such as no after schools for a week, no isolation for 1 week and no swearing she instantly said "I can't do that" didn't even try. Touch wood she's been fairly ok towards me this weekend but is venting at her boyfriend instead .

So relieved to find this.

My daughter was great until just over a month ago. Now I feel I've lost all trust in her, lost the lovely relationship we had, lost my amazing daughter.

Defiance, attitude, not helping with chores (which I need her to do as my health not great). I used to be so proud of her, now I'm ashamed, embarrassed, feel like a failure and don't know what to do!

Shoplifting, skipping school, disappearing and not answering phone. She has and is being punished (grounded, not allowed certain privileges). But I've also talked and listened, asked her how I can help (she is saying she's stressed with school and anxious).

What do I do?

All I am is a taxi driver, cook and cleaner. That seems to be all dd17 sees me as. The thought of spending any time with me seems to be outrageous. The only conversations we have are when I am giving her a lift anywhere or when I invade her bedroom and ask questions.
I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself as she spends a lot of time at her boyfriend's house and seems to have a better relationship with his parents than she does with us. Probably because bf loves his mum and likes being with her.
Then again I have a great relationship with my own ds.

Hmmmm hang on in there Westcoastgirl - blood's thicker than water. My DD was similar with one of her ex-bfs, but him 'liking his mum and wanting to spend time with her' eventually translated into him being a bit of a mummy's boy and it all wore a bit thin. I just gritted my teeth and pretended I thought it was lovely when she gushed about his mother and the presents she bought my DD and the times they curled up on the sofa together watching TV. No-one's that perfect, and indeed this turned out to be the case. I'm sure they don't mean to be hurtful. I also found backing off and not pursuing her with questions usually resulted in her seeking me out a bit more.

How's she doing at college? Good you have a great relationship with your DS.

Sorry to hear things are tough Graphista. When I look back now all DD's 'bad' behaviour stems back to anxiety, but we didn't recognise it at the time. All the skipping school etc sounds familiar, she'd do anything to get out of going. But it was because she felt so ill and panicky when she was there. How are things now? How old is your DD? Did something happen a month ago to change things?

Thanks Peebles. I am probably approaching it all wrong and I do feel like I am stalking her sometimes just to get some interaction with her. I will have to back off but its hard. Today she was in her bedroom for 6 hours before she went out tonight. That's what its like all the time.
I've met bf's mum and she is really nice and funny so I can see the attraction. I get on really well with her as well.
She is doing OK at college but same as last year, not really putting the work in. I've sort of let that go as she doesn't want to go to uni so its up to her now. She has applied for a couple of apprenticeships which I think is good.

Yeah I get the '6 hours in the bedroom' thing. I think it's pretty normal, to be honest. Can be frustrating when you hear them chatting and laughing on the phone in there, yet you can barely get a grunt out of them. Also, re: backing off - I often found I had to pursue her because in practical terms she was home so little that when she was home I had loads of things I needed to sort out with her.

Good that she's sorting herself out re : after college, though. Sounds like she genuinely isn't interested in uni, which is fair enough. She may change her mind later - but then again, it's a lot of debt if you don't really want to go. And at least it'll save you some money too!

Well the mum sounds nice and I'm glad you get on with her. On the plus side, it sounds like she's in a nice relationship and they're a nice family. It is hard when you feel pushed out, but as I say when the chips are down you're her mum.

That sounds tough user1468etc and I don't think the dig was aimed at you at all. It's worrying when they're constantly out and never home, but must be equally so when it's the other way round. My friend's DD was like yours, but eventually she found friends and a social life.
Does your DD seem happy enough? Any chance of forming relationships at work? I guess she'll eventually sort it out for herself, and will get tired of being bored and make a change (hopefully). Good that she has a sport, too. Does she spend much time with you?

Westcoast I have to keep telling myself to not take things personally. Dd is not my friend, I'm only her mum and tbh why would she want to spend any time with me? I don't remember wanting to spend time with my mum at that age but these days do we expect to much? We see all these happy families on social media and start to think we are missing out coz our lives are not the same. You see teens all around, out and about with their parents, seemingly happy and getting on great with each other. And i do get a bit jealous. But I think mostly, they are like ours, locked in their rooms all the time when at home or out and just too busy for us.