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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14 yr old daughter on holiday with boyfriend & parents?

150 replies

Ellen12 · 23/05/2016 15:03

Hello - our 14 year old daughter has been dating a 16 year old boy for three months and is very happy and mature. She has been allowed to stay over at his house every alternate Saturday provided he sleeps on the sofa naturally. I am very keen to show trust and respect towards her by doing this as I feel this is very important. His mum has asked if she can go with them next weekend to Barmouth and share the trailer tent, they would have their own 'room' but separate sleeping bags - is this a bridge too far? I don't want to offend her / him by implying that he cannot be trusted but we are uneasy about the situation all the same. This is her first boyfriend but he has had a girlfriend before. Please advise*

OP posts:

pearlylum · 29/05/2016 21:57

I would be questioning my parenting skills if I had a 14 year old child embarking on a sexual relationship.
Child sex is rape.

Lweji · 29/05/2016 22:08

Erm... she's not. Apparently. Or so the mother thinks.

Still, you cannot control what your teenagers do and it's no reason to question parenting skills. Do you know for a fact what your 14 year olds did (or will do)?

pearlylum · 29/05/2016 22:11

Not what?
And yes parents should be in control of a 14 year old child, and not allowing her to be raped.

Lweji · 29/05/2016 22:15

Not... embarking in a sexual relationship.

How do you propose to keep in control of a 14 year old and preventing her/him from having sex?
In practical terms.

Chocolate123 · 29/05/2016 22:19

You can't prevent it if it's going to happen but you don't encourage it by allowing sleepovers.

pearlylum · 29/05/2016 22:20

Parenting in a way to engender self respect. No 14 year old child needs sex in order to validate themselves.

KindDogsTail · 29/05/2016 22:20

they would have their own 'room' but separate sleeping bags - is this a bridge too far?

Yes, it would be only too natural for things to go further no matter how much you trust them or what they feel sure they can control in the cold light of day.

!4 is very young. Let her have some space with all that would be entailed in a full blown physical relationship. Put her first, and that will mean some difficult boundaries.

KindDogsTail · 29/05/2016 22:20

Sorry. Space from a full blown...

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 29/05/2016 22:21

Do you know the parents? Who are these people you're happy to let your DD holiday with?

Lweji · 29/05/2016 22:21

Exactly Chocolate.

Both positions are ludicrous: to think you can prevent teenagers from having sex, or to trust teenagers not to have sex no matter what the circumstances.

Lweji · 29/05/2016 22:22

Parenting in a way to engender self respect. No 14 year old child needs sex in order to validate themselves.

I agree with this. Just not with the part that we can make sure they're not doing it.

KindDogsTail · 29/05/2016 22:51

Leonard
This is clearly directed at me and you have totally misunderstood my point. I never said girls at that age are ready to have sex (although it is clear that some do, and it's legal in many countries)

I do not believe that because something is legal in another country that makes it right. Even 16 is questionable given that we now know the brain takes much longer to mature than was previously thought. It is nearly mature at about 20 and does not fully mature till 25.

A person, especially a girl, has a thousand times more to lose from sex too young than to gain from it. 14 is too young physically to even have a baby safely.

These young age laws are left over from male law makers lusting after young girls in my opinion.

(As for Germany, was it not there that it transpired after Cologne that the law says rape is not rape if a girl did not fight her assailant? I think they need to rethink a few things.)

Hellothereitsme · 29/05/2016 23:31

We all lnow some teenagers will have sex but you shouldn't encourage it which you are OP. You are encouraging her to grow up too quickly. Does she not have female friends, girly sleepovers, family nights out, trips to cinema with mates, etc etc. Why is she living an adult life? I'm 50 and I sleep over at my BF eow!!!! She should be having fun not spending a holiday double dating. How odd. Lack of parenting.

Hellothereitsme · 29/05/2016 23:33

And I agree with PP about our laws being made by pervy old men. I hate it when older men comment on posts about girls having sex at 14 and say it is ok. Just awful.

Lweji · 30/05/2016 05:00

These young age laws are left over from male law makers lusting after young girls in my opinion.
Not necessarily. I think it has more to do with teenage sex.
Where I live, taking advantage of a young person inexperience or immaturity is punishable even if they are over 14. That means that a much older partner is likely to be convicted, although a similar age isn't.
In this case, the 16 year old boy wouldn't be charged, but a 26 year old probably would.

scarlets · 30/05/2016 16:55

I understand that teenagers who don't have siblings close to their age require company on holiday, but his parents should be encouraging him to invite a friend, not his young girlfriend. A holiday is too full-on at 14.

Staying overnight at his house is fine occasionally if they've been to a nearby event or something, but as a regular thing - no way. It's too much at her age.

leonardthelemming · 30/05/2016 20:11

I hate it when older men comment on posts about girls having sex at 14 and say it is ok.

Do they? Which thread? Can you give an example?

misshelena · 04/06/2016 19:16

I am very liberal but I draw the line at sleepovers. My 15-yo dd has sex with her bf of same age. I know they are having safe sex since they both have big plans for the future. But I think sleepovers waking up sweaty and stinky next to each other takes the intimacy of the relationship one step further than just having sex. They are simply too young for a relationship this intimate. I plan for the both of them to have several more relationships after they end it with each other!

KindDogsTail · 06/06/2016 10:23

I plan for the both of them to have several more relationships after they end it with each other!

For me, this is a little odd. Perhaps they will want to stay together!

Sex as a recreational pastime, with the explicit aim of separating it from a relationship, was not that I experienced when I was growing up.
This is the last thing I would want for my child.

So though I agree a relationship is too full on for this age, for me that would not mean that separated sex as an alternative is something to aim for.

I would hope a teenager could have a bot more space to grow up before experiencing either.

BabyGanoush · 06/06/2016 13:01

I wonder about the boys' parents,

You see, as a mother of boys I would never actively put my son in a situation where he could naturally (i.e., one thing leading to another) break the law (sex with an underage girl)

Sleeping bags can be zipped together quite easily by the way. Or you can lie on top of the sleeping bags. Separate sleeping bags does not equal a chastity belt of sorts

So what are the parents of this boy thinking?!

I would not put my kids (son or daughter) in a situation like that.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 06/06/2016 13:09

Neither would I! I have no idea what the OP or boy's parents are thinking!

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2016 13:23

You're out of your mind, OP. She's known him three months and goes to his house for sleepovers? Why is that? Why can't she come home at 10pm?

As for the boyfriend's parents - what the hell are they up to? Asking if his fourteen year old girlfriend can share a tent with him? I wouldn't think they had the sense they were born with.

Roussette · 06/06/2016 14:49

This is very strange indeed. Why on earth aren't you encouraging her to spend weekends with her girlfriends having fun, shopping, watching netflix, eating crisps, noisy sleepovers... why on earth are you saying she is spending EOW with her "boyfriend"? Far too young, far too much pressure on her, and 2 years age gap is enormous at that age.

By condoning it, you are encouraging it because in your DDs head she will be thinking... "well Mum, isn't stopping me is she.. Kids of that age need firm parameters to kick against and sleepovers with a boyfriend and holidays with him after a few months is plain odd. Lemming* I disagree, no not necessarily are girls equipped with the right tools to say no, they need parents help with them not placing them in an awkward position in the first place.

My DCs at that age had big mixed groups of male and female friends, they did things in a pack together, and the ones that were dating non stop and excluding their friends who were girls were really missing out. I find the boys' parents wanting this strange too.

livdownunder · 02/11/2018 09:34

I think as long as you trust both of them its ok, i feel you should definately talk about them abut thessexual part but t keep in mind that sex may not be there intensions, if it is it will probably happen anyway.

blackeyes72 · 03/11/2018 17:22

I wouldn't, but then I am with apocalypse in that at my dd's school (she is also 14), it's not cool to have a boyfriend and most kids seem too busy for that.

I think having a special friendship is sweet but I wouldn't encourage it, let alone allow sleepovers at his place - he'll would freeze over before I put the well being of my dd in the hands of a boy's parents at such a delicate age. Too much at stake!

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