14 yr old daughter on holiday with boyfriend & parents?

[Ellen12]

Hello - our 14 year old daughter has been dating a 16 year old boy for three months and is very happy and mature. She has been allowed to stay over at his house every alternate Saturday provided he sleeps on the sofa naturally. I am very keen to show trust and respect towards her by doing this as I feel this is very important. His mum has asked if she can go with them next weekend to Barmouth and share the trailer tent, they would have their own 'room' but separate sleeping bags - is this a bridge too far? I don't want to offend her / him by implying that he cannot be trusted but we are uneasy about the situation all the same. This is her first boyfriend but he has had a girlfriend before. Please advise*

Can't you let her be a child for a bit longer?!
IMO there's a HUGE difference between 14 and 16.

So I'll stick my oar in. Probably get slated but here goes anyway...

I used to be a Year 9 form tutor in a girls' school for quite a few years. Then a sixth-form tutor for a few more years. Perhaps my experience isn't truly representative of teenagers generally but I would say that girls do a lot more growing up between 13 and 14 than they do between 14 and 16. And the increase in maturity between 16 and 18 is minimal.

And although the maturity gap between boys and girls may be more perceived than actual, it is still likely that a 16-year-old boy will be looking for a younger girlfriend because all the 16-year-old girls will be looking for boyfriends who are 17 (and have a car) or - better - 18 (so they can take them out to dinner and buy them wine).

And forcing a 14-year-old to remain a child? She is legally, true, but unlike "gullible" the word "adolescent" hasn't been taken out of the dictionary yet.

I think 3 months into a relationship it's too soon for a 14 year old to go on holiday with her boyfriend. So I'd say no to that. I also fail to see why she needs to stay over EOW at her boyfriends house. It just all seems very quick and pushing them into a more serious relationship than is needed at that age.

A 14 year old is not considered able to consent by law, anyone who has sex with a 14 year old could go on the sex offenders list. I'd be making that very clear. It's not about being strict, it's about protecting children (and I'd include the boy in that).

A 14 year old is not considered able to consent by law, anyone who has sex with a 14 year old could go on the sex offenders list.

In principle, yes, but here's a quote from Lord Falconer, during the drafting of the 2003 Act:

"Our overriding concern is to protect children, not to punish them unnecessarily. Where sexual relationships between minors are not abusive, prosecuting either or both children is highly unlikely to be in the public interest. Nor would it be in the best interests of the child ..."

And the CPS would be unlikely to even be interested unless there was a complaint. But why not accept that the boy and girl may well choose not to have sex? In my experience, the vast majority of 14-year-old girls are quite capable of making that decision, and a (much smaller) majority would decide not to.

The boyfriend is not a minor and he could find himself on the sex offenders' register.

The boyfriend is not a minor and he could find himself on the sex offenders' register.

He is under 18. That makes him a minor. I agree it is slightly more likely than if he were under 16, but my understanding is that the small age gap would be taken into account before making a decision to prosecute.

But it wouldn't even get to that stage without a complaint, and if they don't have sex at all it isn't an issue anyway. The OP was asking about allowing them to share a room on a supervised holiday, not whether they should have sex.

It would be a no from me. I have a 16yr old ds and if he was dating a 14yr old - however mature she seemed or however much I liked her - no way would I put her parents in the position to say yes it is ok for our children to sleep in the same room. Do you not remember being that age? I am pretty liberal and I grew up with a very liberal mum but I feel this is one step too far. Your dd could find herself in a situation that she is incredibly uncomfortable with (separate sleeping bags mean nothing) and the only people she can turn to are her boyfriends parents? Or, she could find herself in a situation where she ends up making a decision she isn't yet ready to make and in a few years will turn to you and say "WTF Mum! Why did you allow that?"

I missed the 3 months thing. She has known boyfriend and his parents for just 3 months? So she has only known this family for 12 weeks? Hell no!

Oh and her maturity will show what happens when you say no.

I went to bed thinking about this and I don't know any one of my friends who would be OK with this,even the most liberal and relaxed.

I would not be happy with my 14 year old daughter dating a boy that age. I know it's only 2 years but when your a young teenager, two years is ALOT.

My mum was very liberal. She allowed boyfriends in my room from when I was 14 (she wasn't stupid - she knew we would be snogging she met their parents, she instilled in me great self respect and boundaries, she was probably too open about sex (due to her work and her own experiences) but there is no way she would have allowed this. She would have felt it was too much too young. She didn't think all boys were out for one thing - she wouldn't have wanted either of us to be in that position. And yes of course sex isn't confined to nighttime. But a holiday? For a weekend? With only boyfriends parents there? Nope. No way.

From experience I would advise caution and I can promise you that if you and the boyfriends parents are enabling the relationship to turn sexual - with the weekend staying over thing - then I would be amazed if they aren't some way to making the relationship very serious, sexually.
You are obviously liberal, and must assume there is a strong likelihood that the relationship is already sexual.
Therefore further enabling by agreeing to the weekend away (albeit with parents nearby) is a green light to them both.
If you avoid a teenage pregnancy I'd say you've been lucky.

I've just re read the OP, their own room but separate sleeping bags? Oh yes, sleeping bags are well known for their contraceptive qualities!! No,no,no .

Or, she could find herself in a situation where she ends up making a decision she isn't yet ready to make

OP, how does your daughter feel about this? I've just re-read your first post and the suggestion seems to have come from the BF's mum. Does your daughter want to go to Barmouth? It's a nice place, and they could have fun together, without having sex.

But I think the important issue is whether she genuinely wants to go, or whether she feels pressured into it in order to please the BF/his parents.

I have an almost 12 year old dd so haven't yet reached this stage.

But I would say no. The lad is 16 to start with. Ask yourself what Ss would say IF she did get pregnant at 14. Would you feel awkward explainin the holiday? I would.

I also went away on holiday with my boyfriend but we were both 16/17. We had separate rooms in a guest house next door to his parents and he shared a room with his younger brother. I can guarantee that we had lots of sex. I was on the pill and was lucky really it never failed.

I would also have a full and frank discussion about sex and relationships with your dd. Not the biological implications but the emotional ones. And what is 'normal' and what isn't. Porn has developed for want of a better word and things like anal are seen as pretty basic things these days. I am 38 and sex when I was a teen was pretty innocent compared to todays teenagers.

She needs to have enough confidence to say no to anything she doesn't feel comfortable with and I would worry he might be more sexually mature than her. And that being on holiday in the same 'room' as him doesn't give her any space to remove herself from a situation she doesn't feel comfortable with.

Maybe soften the blow by saying maybe next year if she is still with the lad.

I think it is really unhealthy for kids so young to be encouraged by adults I to having a serious adult-style couple relationship.

Regular sleepovers and going on holidays together after 3 months?

I would think that was rushing things a bit if she was 18.

The good thing about stolen teenage fumbles in a field is that they happen in a teenage context, not an adult one.

A teenage couple double dating on holidays with one set of parents is just grim.

They are kids. They should be with other kids doing things that kids do.

Not aping the boring lives of the middle aged.

They'll have plenty of time to act like their married when they are married. (To other people. Long after this romance burns out.)

Sometimes parents need to be parents regardless of how uncool or unpopular it makes you. I would not be allowing eow sleepovers at 14. That's ridiculous. It's a fledgling relationship and should be treated as such..... you know.... dating... the cinema and bowling etc ..

Even at 28 I wouldn't of considered going on holiday with a boyfriend of 3 months... hmm

When I was 20 I went on holiday with my gf of 2 weeks.

So far, that relationship has lasted 46 years.

I know people who met when the younger one was 15/16 and they are now happily married with children of their own.

I'm sorry 14 IS a child.

Not according to the Citizens Advice Bureau. And the NHS refers to "young women of 14". In Germany (if Wikipedia is to be believed) she would be a "juvenile". (A child would be under 14.)

My opinion - not that many people are likely to take any notice of it - is that adults treating young people as children is part of the cause of the problems they (the young people) face in today's society.

sleeps on the sofa?????!

could you be trusted to sleep on the sofa at that age?

14yo are not mature enough imo to be put in situations where they have to make these choices. They need safe spaces to experiment and grow up. In her boyfriend's house for the night, or away for the weekend, is not, in my view, a safe space.

What happened to having a snog at the disco and coming home

Personally I'd just say no, you are simply not comfortable with that given her age. But then, I wouldn't have let her over to stay the night either.

It's a bit weird you think it is normal for 13 and 14 yo to be having sex. I don't think it is for most of them tbh. And even if it was, I personally would not be facilitating it. Esp for girls. They get more emotionally involved and potentially pregnant.

Has it occurred to you that she might need some help in saying no, instead of you facilitating her boyfriend in having sexual access to her?

Having a liberal parent is not a great thing for a teen ime. My liberal parents allowed bf to stay over at 16 and that meant I had no excuse to say 'no' to sex. I wish they had been more harsh and made it more difficult - that way I would have been able to make decisions at my own pace rather than at my bf's or my parents.

At 14 she is far too young, and 2 years age gap at that age is massive in developmental terms. He can legally consent and she can't...that means if he does decide he wants sex, she can't legally decide to agree.

Just to add parents may believe education and openess makes a teen ready but it doesn't. Neither does having sex. Waiting until they are old enough to deal with pregnancy, stds, cystitis, peer pressure makes them ready. That is way past the teen years.