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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 yr old daughter on holiday with boyfriend & parents?

150 replies

Ellen12 · 23/05/2016 15:03

Hello - our 14 year old daughter has been dating a 16 year old boy for three months and is very happy and mature. She has been allowed to stay over at his house every alternate Saturday provided he sleeps on the sofa naturally. I am very keen to show trust and respect towards her by doing this as I feel this is very important. His mum has asked if she can go with them next weekend to Barmouth and share the trailer tent, they would have their own 'room' but separate sleeping bags - is this a bridge too far? I don't want to offend her / him by implying that he cannot be trusted but we are uneasy about the situation all the same. This is her first boyfriend but he has had a girlfriend before. Please advise*

OP posts:
Lweji · 24/05/2016 16:21

I've just realised that they have been allowed sleep overs at his place when they have just started dating. From when? One month of dating?

And Barmouth is not exactly a one in a lifetime trip that I'd be sad for her to miss, nor is a weekend that long that they can't go without seeing each other.
I'd also rather encourage her to have her own life. It seems too intense too soon and too young for me.

Lweji · 24/05/2016 16:23

So, are you saying that countries with a lower age of consent (Canada, Germany, + many more) have got it wrong?

I live in a country with a lower age of consent.

I don't know many parents who'd easily allow their 14 year old DDs to spend every other weekend at their boyfriend's, particularly in their rooms. Or would be particularly happy with them sharing a "room" in different sleeping bags (yes, sure).

leonardthelemming · 24/05/2016 16:35

I really have to disagree with lemming and am not surprised that he, as what I presume is the only male on this thread, is in agreement with you.

I've just read through my posts and I can't find any of them where I have agreed with the OP. I have tried to provide information based on facts and my own experience - limited as that may be.

Having not been a teenage girl he simply is in no position to opine with any authority. We all know hormonal teenagers are and how instinctively led by their sexual desires teenage boys are.

By the same reasoning (assuming you have never been a teenage boy) you cannot realistically make a statement about their sexual desires.

corythatwas · 24/05/2016 16:35

I come from a country with a lower age of consent. It does not mean that a younger girl would never feel under pressure to do things she did not on reflection want to do because her older boyfriend's female friends were doing it and it seemed unfair that he should miss out. It does not mean that insightful and thoughtful parents might not try to help her by not letting her get placed in situations where that pressure might be very strong.

corythatwas · 24/05/2016 16:38

And as the mother of a 16yo I would also want to protect him from wondering afterwards if he hadn't made his younger girlfriend feel she had to do things she was maybe not ready for.

I agree that when teenagers do not have sex it is not (always) because of lack of opportunities. But it is often about perceived expectations. I would not want my young teens to feel that this is something I expect them to do.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 24/05/2016 17:24

Yes, teens will have sex but we don't need to make it easy for them!

I agree with MrsKoala's post up thread.

bridgetoc · 24/05/2016 23:06

Use your sense.... No chance!

S0ftbr3ad · 25/05/2016 08:07

Staying every other week at boyfriends house !

Going on holiday after being together for a few months !

I feel that this is far too much, too young too soon !

At 14 I think she should be concentrating on school and hobbies, sports, crafts, clubs

Agadooo · 26/05/2016 20:53

Where have you gone op?

AndNowItsSeven · 26/05/2016 21:16

I firmly believe that at 14 you parent and make the choices. Kids don't need a cool mum or a friend.

CremeBrulee · 26/05/2016 22:01

I can't believe that either sets of parents are even considering this.

I have 13 year old DD and there's no way I'd be letting her stay overnight at a 16 year old boys house key alone go away on holiday and share a room with him.

Absolute madness.

Original poster
Ellen12 · 27/05/2016 20:03

Thank you leonardthelemming for saying what I keep having to point out myself - two young people can actually decide that they don't want to 'go all the way' - in the Old Days couples decided that they would abstain until they were married - they managed that !!! It is wrong to put teenager boys in a bag together as not being able to control themselves - most are respectful towards their girlfriends. If the will is there, they can get up to just as much mischief behind the bike sheds at school as in a trialer tent with parents there. Look how rampant some of the Victorians actually were !!!

OP posts:
Lweji · 27/05/2016 20:30

So, you're going to allow it? And you've made up your mind?
What was the thread for?

AndNowItsSeven · 27/05/2016 21:21

It's not about sex it's about parenting.

Original poster
Ellen12 · 29/05/2016 06:18

I posted the thread days before her dad and I were decided. At the end of the day it is all about trust and our DD is very clear about the type of behaviour we expect from her and the consequences if she betrays that trust.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellen12 · 29/05/2016 06:20

And parents need to trust their children more I feel in general, to give them the confidence to make their own choices - PROVIDED they are mature enough of course*

OP posts:
pearlylum · 29/05/2016 07:54

You are failing to protect your child OP.

Buttock · 29/05/2016 08:00

I think even a sensible person loses their senses in the heat of the moment. I wouldn't do it.

Lweji · 29/05/2016 09:08

My mother had an interesting perspective: always assume that your children are capable of doing exactly the same as any other child/young person.

Next, they'll be living together and you'll still be convinced nothing is going on.

DoinItFine · 29/05/2016 09:38

It's not about trust.

It sounds like you think it's your place to trust her to decide not to have sex.

Actually that is none of your business.

If she wants to have sex, that is up to her and having parents with "expectations" on the matter is fucking grim.

By encouraging such a young girl to act like her very recent, older boyfriend is the same as a spouse and they should be going off on boring double dare holidays with middle aged couples, you are trying to make her old before her time.

What a shit adolescence - being 14 and acting like you are the
50.

She's a kid.

Protect that. This is not just about whether she has sex or not, it'seems about whether it is best for young teenagers to have "serious" and exclusive romantic relationships, like adults tend to.

Chocolate123 · 29/05/2016 09:41

As someone that has a mature 14 year old dd there is no way I would let her stay over at a bf house every second weekend. She's with him 3 months and you think this is ok??? As for a weekend away in separate sleeping bags!!!! Are you afraid to say no to her or do you really think this is ok?

wiltingfast · 29/05/2016 19:41

I don't get it really. Do you not care if she is exposed to sexual pressure she has not the maturity or experience to resist or is it you don't care if she is having sex because she might be doing behind the bike sheds anyway?

You are supposed to protect your child as well as trust them.

Facilitating sexual access is not protective.

Why would you even contemplate allowing a 14 yo to develop a sexual relationship? She's at the v start of her young life and it is v easily derailed.

GipsyDanger · 29/05/2016 19:47

Have an honest talk with your daughter about safe sex. If she is determined to have sex you won't be able to stop her. You say she is mature, let her know that she is in control of her body and can say no and mean it.

Iggi999 · 29/05/2016 20:09

You want young people to make their own choices, yet you've made it clear to her there are consequences if she betrays your trust.
So, which is it??

Lweji · 29/05/2016 20:13

Good point, I had missed the consequences bit.

A good parenting position could be to have a decent talk about going in too fast too deep into a relationship, as well as the danger of placing ourselves in situations that could easily lead to more than what we were planning to.

For example, if they suddenly decided to have sex while sleeping in the same tent, would they have condoms?

Then you could trust her to make the best decision for herself.

I'm curious about what the consequences are, actually.