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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

14 yr old daughter on holiday with boyfriend & parents?

150 replies

Ellen12 · 23/05/2016 15:03

Hello - our 14 year old daughter has been dating a 16 year old boy for three months and is very happy and mature. She has been allowed to stay over at his house every alternate Saturday provided he sleeps on the sofa naturally. I am very keen to show trust and respect towards her by doing this as I feel this is very important. His mum has asked if she can go with them next weekend to Barmouth and share the trailer tent, they would have their own 'room' but separate sleeping bags - is this a bridge too far? I don't want to offend her / him by implying that he cannot be trusted but we are uneasy about the situation all the same. This is her first boyfriend but he has had a girlfriend before. Please advise*

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 24/05/2016 14:22

Actually I would go one step further and say being 'liberal' in this circumstance with a boy of legally consenting age and your dd underage you are actually bordering on neglect. You can't condone it. It is saying it's ok for her to have sex at this age and it isn't. She can't possibly cope with all the stuff around sex like what she might enjoy vs what he might want, what happens if she gets an infection, the pregnancy scares (just because she doesn't get pregnant won't mean like all of us she has numerous scares and worries despite taking precautions) going on the pill, using a condom, which pill to use, messing with her hormones, getting headaches and tearful, getting cysitits and having kidney infections because she is too young to manage it....on and on it goes. All the bad side that comes with being female and sexually active. Why oh why would you want to have her enter that world at 14?

Just because she is curious and her bf thinks she is ready (he is 16 and may well think he is ready, but he won't be dealing with any of the above issues so it's easy street for him...until she possibly does get pregnant and then your daughter might get angry and the police get called because he had sex with a minor which is rape in this country). It's all a recipe for one big disaster and you want to encourage that?! You want to facilitate it? You want to condone it just because some old year 9 male teacher up thread thinks girls are ready at that age and much more mature than boys?!?! Being a woman (if you're not the teen in question) you will know that sexuality is not all about 'having sex' and involves lots of mental readiness.

No way. You are asking for opinions because you know it is wrong.

And this business about they'll do it anyway. Where in reality would they do it other than in your house/parents house/on holiday?

insan1tyscartching · 24/05/2016 14:29

My dd is 13 and there is no way would I allow her to sleep over at her boyfriend's house. Mind you I wouldn't let dd sleep over at a friend'shouse either if I didn't know the family. Why does she need to stay over? Don't they live close by?Nor would she be going on holiday with a family that she has known just twelve weeks. That's not being repressed or old fashioned it's more about taking care of my daughter

ricketytickety · 24/05/2016 14:29

And the maturing between 14-18 is massive. We were all there, we know that girls are good at mimicking older behaviours and might copy things like putting on makeup but they aren't actually ready to go clubbing, buy their own house or off to uni. Because they aren't adults.

DoinItFine · 24/05/2016 14:29

Has it occurred to you that she might need some help in saying no, instead of you facilitating her boyfriend in having sexual access to her?

Very good point.

Agadooo · 24/05/2016 14:38

It would be a definite no from me-then again, I wouldn't be happy with her staying over at her boyfriends every 2nd weekend or even at all. All sounds very full on for a 14 year old-why the need to sleep over-what about just fun days out having a laugh rather than full on relationship x

TinklyLittleLaugh · 24/05/2016 14:45

No from me, and I am very liberal. My kids had boyfriends/girlfriends staying over from 17 or so. I made sure my girls were on the pill. Talked about condoms with all of them.

But 14 is a child. At 14 my kids went to the cinema or bowling with the person they were dating: they didn't even really bring them home. I didn't do anything to facilitate the relationships.

KoalaDownUnder · 24/05/2016 14:55

Agree with ricketytickety - 14 is way too young.

leonardthelemming · 24/05/2016 15:12

You are comparing a romantic relationship with a friendship?

Did I say that? No, I'm not.

The cab isn't the law. hmm If you google legal definition of child UK, you'll find it covers anyone under the age of 18.

I know. But the legal definition is to enable young people to benefit from child protection legislation, surely? The CAB point of view is a practical definition.

You don't need to push a kid straight out into childhood right into being an adult full on like that. Gradually seems to be the way to go

I think this is exactly my point. Let them have a few years of adolescence before becoming adults. And that means trying adult things, making mistakes, and having parents to support them when they do. So trusting them and giving them responsibility.

14yo are not mature enough imo to be put in situations where they have to make these choices.
At 14 she is far too young, and 2 years age gap at that age is massive in developmental terms.

As I said upthread, in my experience girls do the majority of their growing up between 13 and 14. It's like a maturity growth spurt to go with the physical one.

It's a bit weird you think it is normal for 13 and 14 yo to be having sex.

I presume this is directed at the OP. I don't think it's normal. I said upthread that most 14-yo girls are mature enough to make the decision, and that the majority would decide not to have sex.

roundandroundthehouses · 24/05/2016 15:19

I have dds aged 17 and 14, each with a boyfriend. I'd allow dd1 to do this, with various chats about not feeling pressurised and her rolling her eyes at me . Absolutely no way would I allow dd2.

leonardthelemming · 24/05/2016 15:24

You want to condone it just because some old year 9 male teacher up thread thinks girls are ready at that age and much more mature than boys?!?!

This is clearly directed at me and you have totally misunderstood my point. I never said girls at that age are ready to have sex (although it is clear that some do, and it's legal in many countries).

If you read my post carefully you will see that I said girls of that age are mature enough to make the decision and that most would decide against.

I also did not say girls are more mature than boys. I actually said that the maturity gap is more perceived than actual. (But girls look for older boyfriends because they think it's true.)

DoinItFine · 24/05/2016 15:34

girls of that age are mature enough to make the decision and that most would decide against.

It's is precisely because we do not, as a country, believe that 14 year old girls are mature enough to decide whether or not to have sex that the age of consent is older than 14.

You really have to be a particularly clueless man to imagine that girls of that age wI'll be sensibly deciding against sex with no outside pressure from anyone.

14 year old girls are not, as a general rule, likely to make mature, well informed decisions about sexual activity.

KoalaDownUnder · 24/05/2016 15:38

Exactly, DoinItFine.

I find your attitude bizarre, lemming

DoinItFine · 24/05/2016 15:44

It's not that bizarre to hear a man opining about how young girls are mature enough to make completely free and uncoerced decisions to have sex.

titchy · 24/05/2016 15:47

Thing about 14 yo girls is that they're very good at saying what their parents want to hear. Which is of course that no they're not ready yet.

However put same 14 yo in the situation that OP in facilitating - on their own with 16 yo boyf, getting carried away, and 'No I'm not ready yet' becomes an incredibly difficult stance to maintain, or want to maintain in the heat of the moment.

titchy · 24/05/2016 15:49

Teenagers never think 'it' will happen to them. Whatever 'it' is - getting pregnant, run over, mugged. 'It' is always something that happens to other people. So no, they're not able to make sensible decisions, not really.

titchy · 24/05/2016 15:50

Teenagers never think 'it' will happen to them. Whatever 'it' is - getting pregnant, run over, mugged. 'It' is always something that happens to other people. So no, they're not able to make sensible decisions, not really.

wiltingfast · 24/05/2016 15:55

"girls of that age are mature enough to make the decision and that most would decide against."

Cannot tell you how much I disagree.

Even as an adult mature woman, I find sexual pressure tough to deal with. 14 yos imo, should not have to

Lweji · 24/05/2016 15:55

I'd definitely discourage her from having sex, although I would give her all the advice and would encourage her to use contraception AND condoms.
(I realise she "knows" all about the bees, etc)

But, I would not allow a 14 year old girl who supposedly doesn't want to have sex to share a room/tent with a 16 year old boy. Let alone at his parents. She might end up with more than she wanted.
I don't see any reason for a girl (or boy) at that age to have sleep overs at their boyfriend of 3 months, let alone a weekend.
They have plenty of time for that, particularly when the relationship is more established, and I'd reinforce that message.

Nicnak2223 · 24/05/2016 15:58

I haven't read the full thread but I'm curious to if the situation was the Ops DD wanted to go on holiday with a friend she met 3 months ago?

Also I'm sure 14 year old girls have sleep overs every other week, how is this different?

As many pp have said, if they want to have sex they will do!

AnyFucker · 24/05/2016 15:58

Yeah, it's a bit funny that that doin

Even "funnier" when said man is in a position of responsibility over 14yo girls.

Lweji · 24/05/2016 16:00

I'm curious to if the situation was the Ops DD wanted to go on holiday with a friend she met 3 months ago

Probably just as cautious, really.
Particularly if the friend was 2 years older.

Do 14 year old girls have sleep overs every other week? With older friends? (I have no idea. One DS, 11)

timelytess · 24/05/2016 16:04

Good grief. The poor child. Her own and her boyfriends parents collude to promote sexual activity between her and the boyfriend. This is very strange and in future years she might see it as neglect or even a weird kind of abuse.

Stop being 'trendy, right on' parents and be normal. She's a child. She sleeps at home, in her own bed. If she wants to do otherwise, let her make her own arrangements, privately.

KoalaDownUnder · 24/05/2016 16:08

Oh well, yeah.

If they're going to drink alcohol, they'll get it from somewhere, so might as well buy it for them.

If they're going to watch porn, they'll access it somewhere, so don't bother monitoring their internet usage.

If they want fake ID for pubs, they'll get hold of it somewhere, so why not give them a hand?

Great logic. Hmm Gets you off the hook from actually being the adult and the 'bad guy' though, I guess.

Hunstanton · 24/05/2016 16:11

I really have to disagree with lemming and am not surprised that he, as what I presume is the only male on this thread, is in agreement with you. Having not been a teenage girl he simply is in no position to opine with any authority. We all know hormonal teenagers are and how instinctively led by their sexual desires teenage boys are. Looking at the overall majority of responses, it's clear that most believe facilitating this kind of adult relationship is wrong. She's only 14 after all.

leonardthelemming · 24/05/2016 16:21

I find your attitude bizarre, lemming

Well, I expected to get slated, so no surprises there. But we seem to have gone off the point. I think I may have been the first to suggest that the OP ought to ask her daughter if she actually wants to go. The original suggestion seems to have come from the boyfriend's mum (although possibly following a request from the boyfriend himself). Surely the point is that the proposed holiday will be supervised - it's not as if they are going away by themselves. In fact the level of supervision will be greater than, for example, a School trip, where there might be a 10 to 1 staff-pupil ratio. OK, on a school trip there might be a smaller age range, but not necessarily.

It's is precisely because we do not, as a country, believe that 14 year old girls are mature enough to decide whether or not to have sex that the age of consent is older than 14.

So, are you saying that countries with a lower age of consent (Canada, Germany, + many more) have got it wrong? Or that teenagers other countries are more mature?

There are lots of teenagers who don't have sex, and it isn't because of a lack of opportunity. This thread started as a question about two teenagers going on holiday with one set of parents. Because of space limitations, they will have to share a room. It was never originally about sex, yet so many people on here automatically assume that a boy and a girl can't share a room without it progressing to that. They can.