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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 yr old daughter on holiday with boyfriend & parents?

150 replies

Ellen12 · 23/05/2016 15:03

Hello - our 14 year old daughter has been dating a 16 year old boy for three months and is very happy and mature. She has been allowed to stay over at his house every alternate Saturday provided he sleeps on the sofa naturally. I am very keen to show trust and respect towards her by doing this as I feel this is very important. His mum has asked if she can go with them next weekend to Barmouth and share the trailer tent, they would have their own 'room' but separate sleeping bags - is this a bridge too far? I don't want to offend her / him by implying that he cannot be trusted but we are uneasy about the situation all the same. This is her first boyfriend but he has had a girlfriend before. Please advise*

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 23/05/2016 17:17

I got pregnant at 16. My parents had no rules. They definitely were not strict.

titchy · 23/05/2016 17:38

My other concern would be that you are treating it as a serious relationship. Staying over every other weekend and going on holiday are things you do with long term partners, not casual 14 year old relationships. It's far too much too soon. And you may regard her as mature but she won't have much in the way of experience in this area and you should be guiding her, applying the brakes a little. Not encouraging her.

Original poster
Ellen12 · 23/05/2016 18:46

Thank you for this reply - of all the ones that came back yours is closest to my own sentiments. It is sad that so many people don't feel that teen boys and girls cant make the right choices for themselves..it is such an emotive topic but if 'It' is going to happen then it will happen anywhere - she assures me that she would tell me if the relationship reached that stage and I would support her. Pretending that 13/14 year olds don't have s_x is being naive. Thank you again :) Just have to convince her dad now*

OP posts:
Fpmd1710 · 23/05/2016 19:24

I see a lot of the posts are very against the idea of your 14 yr old DD and her bf sharing the same room, but honestly if you think about it they will be in rather close proximity at night time to his parents so I really doubt they'd get up to much. If they wanted to do anything then I'm sure they would regardless of the sleeping arrangements; they could just wait until his parents were off doing things during the day etc.
They could even be doing things already, whilst not on holiday, teenagers will find a way if that's what they want to be doing.
I remember at 14 I 'kept dog' outside the closed gardens in a park so my mate could have sex with her BF, because her mum and his were nearly always at home so they couldn't go either house. So it's actually less likely they'd be up to anything whilst sharing a room next to his parents

MaybeDoctor · 23/05/2016 19:30

I think that it would put her in a vulnerable position if her BF chose to pressure her emotionally into doing things she didn't want to do yet eg oral sex, fingering. I think that could happen, even in a trailer tent.

Bin85 · 23/05/2016 19:43

Sex may not happen yet but it might.
A condom may not split but it might.
She probably needs to be on the pill.
An unwanted pregnancy needs to be prevented.

lljkk · 23/05/2016 19:44

Bloody Hell No. My friends were under-age moms. We know how these things happen.

DownstairsMixUp · 23/05/2016 19:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AnyFucker · 23/05/2016 19:50

it's a no from me

also, if you can't write the word "sex" on a parenting website, you don't come across as someone who is very open to talking about it with a teenager

titchy · 23/05/2016 19:56

Good luck then grandma!

Fairylea · 23/05/2016 19:59

There is absolutely not a chance in hell dd would be sleeping over at a boyfriends house at that age. She is 13 now and I wouldn't even entertain the idea of her staying over at a boyfriends before 16.

As for the holiday.... . No way.

NatashaRomanoff · 23/05/2016 20:02

She is a CHILD. Is this even real? Seriously?

saoirse31 · 23/05/2016 20:16

I think you're not her friend you're her parent and you should act like it. Tho think boyfriends parents r fairly if not more irresponsible given age difference.

Susiesue61 · 23/05/2016 20:23

Nope! Dd is 14, I know some of the things her friends have got up to already. Luckily she thinks sex is gross and would rather play cricket Grin Can't you let her be a child for a bit longer?!

Foofoobum · 23/05/2016 20:37

we all know someone who got pregnant at 15 but I bet that never happened sharing a tent with the boy's parents. They will have the same concerns and I doubt they'd ask if they though the kids would be at it like bunnies - trailer tents rock there's no privacy(!)
If your daughter is shagging this bloke she'll do it anyway and if it's not in the house it's the 8th hole of the local golf course, bus shelter, back of shops. Best arm her with enough Info and contraceptives to deal with it in a mature way. With my first boyfriend my mum handed me a box of condoms and I was so mortified at the suggestion I'd be having sex with him. It hadn't crossed my mind but it opened up the door to conversation.
If your daughter was gay and wanted to go away with her girlfriend would there be the same issue? Is pregnancy the biggest fear or is it something else?

Coconutty · 23/05/2016 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFairyCaravan · 23/05/2016 20:42

If you can't write sex, you're not some liberal hippy!

No way would I have allowed my 16yo son to have brought a 14yo girl on holiday.

BertrandRussell · 23/05/2016 20:44

"She knows far more than me about the Birds & Bees as they start that in Year 5 now"

Really? Do you think it might be time you did some reading?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/05/2016 20:56

Hell no from me too! Apart from anything else it's far too much too soon and you are encouraging a serious relationship when at 14 she should be free as a bird - tbh so should he! When they split up which they probably will it will be harder as they've been allowed to be too intense physically- it's hard enough emotionally at that age!

Time to put some serious boundaries in place unless you want trouble. 14-16 is exam time not going on holiday with your boyfriend of 3 months!

RiverCambs · 23/05/2016 20:58

I'd definitely let her, they aren't necessarily having sex just because they're left alone. Let her go and enjoy herself. Even if she is having sex, not letting her go on holiday won't stop them doing it elsewhere, it's better that you talk to her about doing it safely.

I agree with this and FWIW you sound like a lovely mum. Your daughter is so lucky to have you.

The only thing that would bother me as a parent is the age gap. IMO there's a HUGE difference between 14 and 16. Maybe talk to her about going on the pill just to be safe?

janethegirl2 · 23/05/2016 21:01

At 14 if they want to have sex they will, however with his parents close I think it'd be fine. However day time in a meadow, beach, canal tow path, beach etc they will if they are determined enough!

You will not be able to stop them if they are determined enough, accept they will or they won't depending on the relationship.

SplodgeBear1988 · 23/05/2016 21:04

I agree with Becky3633, I used to give my Dad false details of places I was going at the age of 15 to see my 20 year old boyfriend. I told him when I turned 16 and he let me stay there when I wanted and I never got pregnant!

janethegirl2 · 23/05/2016 21:08

A girl at 14 is generally more mature than a boy of 16, I'd not lose sleep over it.

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 23/05/2016 21:14

I would allow it.
But I live in Germany where the age of consent is fourteen.
My take on it is simple: if they are going to be sexually active then they will find a way regardless.
That does not mean I enable or encourage them but nor do I drive them underground to do it al fresco or in cars or under coats at parties. As long as the chat about safe sex, comfort zones, peer pressure, personal rights et cetera has happened then I think my 14 year old has a right to be trusted and respected.

Fpmd1710 · 23/05/2016 21:35

we all know someone who got pregnant at 15 but I bet that never happened sharing a tent with the boy's parents.

This is exactly my opinion too, also OP asked people's opinions on the situation NOT if she's a bad or good parent.

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