14 yo refusing to come home

[bobalinga]

My 14 yo daughter has just phoned from a friends house and is refusing to come home becuase I wouldn't ket her go to a party. Its 1am and the police have been called.
Anyone been through this?
What happened?
She says she wants to live at her friends house. The dad (single dad) wouldn't come to the phone - he's a drunk hippy.
Now what?

I don't think so. He's told mutual friends that he doesn't really want her there and complained about the financial burden. He hasn't told Dd that but says he's resigned to her staying if she has no 'safe' place to go. Dd wont come home and wont go to her grandparents. She wants to stay there where its fun and with her friend. Nothing to do with not feeling 'safe' at home. Lot to do with feeling unhappy at home and disabled sister and grass is greener.
I just don't know where to turn again.

Bobalinga dear, I so wish, with the benefit of hindsight, that I had toughened myelf, hardened my heart (outwardly at least) towards my dd. I would have shortened the agony so much if I had let her go in freefall. Your daughter may be young but she isn't stupid: she knows just how to push your buttons and by God how she enjoys the power. If, only for a minute, you give the impression that you quite enjoy her not being there, I just wonder how she will react. As for losing the mother/daughter thing, you've not got it at the moment as she is so stroppy, but let her go and she may come back like Little Bo Peep's sheep, "bearing their tails behind them"

Great advice ladyfish, bobalinga, you have to play along with your daughter. It will all soon fall out of bed no doubt when she falls out with the friend or the father needs the housework done. Keep your purse closed and your chin up. She'll be back, you have your whole lives ahead of you. Make sure you write that letter so that Mr X does know she has a home to come back to.

book a holiday

go on hols with your at home kids.

{sly emoticon}

Agree with custy. If you can't afford a holiday, book something you can afford that you know she would like to do.

When she sees the whole family getting on with their lives and enjoying themselves, she may want to rethink her life-plan.

Bobalinga, would the GP be able to offer some counselling for you? You are getting some great advice from everyone on here though.

Hi Bobalinga, I've been reading your thread and just felt I had to add something. I was a lot like your daughter when I was her age, ran away at 14 and moved out by 16, things were always very strained between me and my mum. When you said you feel like you've lost that mother and daughter thing you nearly made me cry, I heard my mum say that so many times during our many arguments and can remember thinking it was all her fault I was like this amoungst many other things. What I want you to know is that you haven't and things will get better, I'm not sure what it is about 1st born daughters but all the others I know seem to be the same...now however I am 22 and me and my mum are so close I can honestly say she is my best friend in the world. My mum never gave up on me although like you she had three other younger children to look after and therefore after many arguments let me go and get on with it. It broke my heart inside to know my mum was just carrying on without me (although I never let her know that) but my teenage stubborness just made me want to prove I was fine without her.
I know this is not good advice like some on here but just wanted you to know that you haven't lost your daughter forever although it may seem so. I feel so guilty for what I put my mum through and I truly believe your daughter will eventually. It may get worse before it gets better but you sound like your an amazing mum and your daughter will realise that once all the hormones subside and reality kicks in. Sorry if this is no help but I just wanted you to know you haven't lost her.

The holiday suggestion reminded me of the situation with my then 16 year old DD. She moved in with vile boyfriend - and I used the term 'boy'friend lightly as he was 30 years old. She said she didn't want to live with us and was too old to go on boring family holidays any more (we usually went camping).

Anyhow, I announced we would be booking Disney World, Florida that year. Cue DD suddenly changing her mind..... 'You cannot go to America without me' strop-strop, shout-shout!

I said... oh but you don't want to come on family holidays and we are only affording this because there is now only three members of this family to pay for.

Round one to mum... ding ding

good luck bobalinga - there's lots of good advice here and it must be especially useful to hear from dd's who went through this themselves with their own mothers.

So did you go without her?

I think0 saying we are doing something fun would actually make her worse and feel resentful as well as like a martyr. Sort of 'see, they never did want me.'
She is remarkebly stubborn as well as self-centered.
Got social services (finally)coming round tomorrow. I don't imagine they will be much use but at least we can get a care package in place where someone is checking she is ok as Mister X wont call and let me know. Plus once its all legal he has to tell me where she is and ask permission to take her places.
Not ideal of course but its gives her and us some legal protection while we are going through this.
Still feeling very sad, like a hillowness in my tummy. Have lost 15 pounds through sheer stress and being unable to eat plus the stress has brough my MS crashing back - I had been in remission.

I so wish she could see the full extent of the effect she is having on you. Teenagers are soooo ego-centric and oblivious to the needs of others.

I think that, once you are satisfied with the involvement of social services, you need to let go. You know that SS will be keeping an eye on things, so you can tend to the needs of yourself and the rest of your family.

I can understand how gut-wrenchingly awful all this is. Don't forget that not so many years ago 14 yos were considered adults, married, worked, etc. No matter how much you dislike this man, she does have a roof over her head (as opposed to those teenagers who leave home and end up on the streets), food and knows that she can come home whenever she wants.

Draw strengths from the positives.

Secondhandrose.... yes we went on holiday, but only for a week to Spain in the end. TBH, we couldn't afford Florida really.

Good for you.

I keep thinking about you and your dd. I wrote in an earlier post that your dd is enjoying the power she has over you, she knows exactly which buttons to push to 'make' you feel awful, to spoil your appetite, to 'make' you feel guilty, helpless and a bad mother. Now, you know you are none of these things, you have done everything in your power to accommodate her and her egocentric demands... without success. So how about refusing to 'feel' any of these things, after all how can she 'make' you? Your feelings are your own, just about the only thing you and you alone have control over.
I know full well that I didn't do any of these things myself, in fact I know just what you mean by the 'hollowness' in your stomach.
I hope all goes well with the visit of ss, but have an awful feeling that you will feel let down by them after their visit and that you will get none of the things you hope for by way of control of your daughter.
I agree with you that there is no point in organising holidays or trips just to spite her; but I think it might help both of you if you take the control of your feelings back where it belongs: in your power.

Thanks Ladyfish. SS are due here in half an hour so I should be madly tidying! DD2 is off to hospital at 11 and is having a GA for her botox treatment. I'm all of a swivet about that too. I know GA's are generally safe but statistics mean nothign when its you're baby! She's not yet 3 and is very petite. Too little for sucha terrible thing :-(
DD1 hasn't spoken to me in IM since Sunday so she's either sulking or has gone away. If she has gone away I will be furious as this guy does not have permissiont o take her out ofthe city. You can see why we need a care plan!

I'll be thinking of you all day and look forward to hearing how it all went bobalinga.
Social services know how to push buttons too, but generally hide their own.
So what if this chap is not 'allowed' to take your dd. Do you think that will stop him? Yeah right!!
Do you need a care plan? What difference will it make? Sorry, I'm not a lot of help, really, but I just want to bolster your own confidence in your own self that you can cope independently of jerks, dd1, ss, the lot! You don't need any of it, don't have it.
Concentrate on dd2, that darling child who really needs you to be there for her 100%, leave the whole rest of the kaboodle in a black plastic sack and put it out with the rubbish. {{{{bobalinga}}}

How did it go, bobalinga?

It seemed to go ok and the SW seemed nice! She listenend to what we had to say and said they had all pegged Mister X as a non-committer type with childlike tendencies. They think he will wash his hands of DD when faced with all the stuff.
But they plan to take it slowly cos of her emotional state. They are going to start a private fostering arranegment initially and give her a youth worker who will take her out alone without her best mate whispering in her ear. They are going to sort out family therapy too. Once the PF thing is in place we will actually get to know where she is and when and have some say. they will also qiuestion him about the educational provision.
So now its wait and see. DD hasn't been on IM since Sunday so she's either sulking or they have gone away. If he has taken her out of Bristol the SW says this will be a black mark against him and they will inform the police because he's not allowed to do so without my say-so.
I think it wil be a long process of mending the broken relationships. She has hurt us badly, her brothers don't want her back but she is going to have to grow up. Obviously I'll try and change but she will have to realise that some things can't change. Like I'm not getting rid of her baby sister cos she is fed up with her! She will have to do some changing too.
One good thing is that they will look into more respite. the SW was shocked at how little we got and how often that is cancelled (its possible she doesn't realise how crappy disability services are). Any help in that department would be good. DH and I are exhausted. C is a full time job and we are finding it really hard to cope. We have no family here and friends have their own lves and just don't appreciate what its like looking after a newborn like child for years on end with no light at the end of the tunnel.
I wish I knew where DD was though. I worry and fret.
youngest had her botox - they did some in her arm too on my request. She came through the GA fine but wont leave the hozzie till 8pm this evening. They are trying to find a taxi that takes wheelchairs to get her home. Otherwise she is stuck there with poor DH overnight.
gawds I'm knackered.

Glad you got some joy out of the social worker, bobalinga. And glad all went well with dd2 and her botox treatment. Keep us up to date, you're much in our thoughts.

The social worker seemed to be quite on your wavelength, so that's good. What they said sounded reassuring, so hope it gets put into practice (respite care, tracking of your dd's whereabouts and schooling in the PF aqreement and all that). Hope that youth worker makes her think hard about her choices.

How are things bobalinga?
{{{hugs}}}

Still nothing. X took her out of the city to visit friends without my permission. The police refused to do anything and the SS said it was a police matter.
Only thing I can do is place her in care. They'll probably leave her with this guy (although he told the SS and me that he doesn't want a private fostering arrangment. Too inconvenient for him) but it will be with checks.
If we leave it informal this guy will make no effort to let me know where and how she is.
He did suggest she live with her grandparents which is rather surprising as he claims the reason he is 'rescuing' her is because i am a oppressive mother. Her grandparents will have loads of rules! I am now thinking he is doing this as a personal vendetta against me. He certainly doesn't lecture mutual friends who limit computer time or don't let their kids go to every party. So why me?
He was extremely obnoxious to me and told me i should 'get my head together'. Funny how my other kids aren't running away or even remotely unhappy. He reckons a teenager can't be difficult or stroppy off their own back. Mind you, in time, she will find out she can't get all she wants re money etc off him either and then he'll have her swearing at him like she does to me.
So, calling social services tomorrow and placing her into care. Not sure how to insist on it but I'm in contact with the Family Rights Group.
This will mean she as at least safe and checked up on while she gets the space she needs.

Good to hear from you, sad to know things are still not going your way. Thinking of you.
How is your dd2?

update?