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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 yo refusing to come home

129 replies

bobalinga · 15/01/2007 00:41

My 14 yo daughter has just phoned from a friends house and is refusing to come home becuase I wouldn't ket her go to a party. Its 1am and the police have been called.
Anyone been through this?
What happened?
She says she wants to live at her friends house. The dad (single dad) wouldn't come to the phone - he's a drunk hippy.
Now what?

OP posts:
Carmenere · 16/01/2007 11:22

Totally agree with Custardo. She is playing you big time, what a great way of getting loads of attention. And see how fast mr laid back gets rid of her once he is faced with a legal document. that is a great idea!

Tortington · 16/01/2007 12:39

i think i would knock on his door and say " thank you for taking responsability of my daughter, i shall get this confirmed with my solicitor ASAP."

see what he says. then do it.

regarding managing parties.

i do this. i have een very lucky i realise.

my son who is 17 now but at the age of late 14/15 wanted to go to parties. get drunk. i told him i wasn't happy but i made an agreement with him that i take him by car - so i know where it is. i pick him up ( we negotiated a time) so i know where he is.
bought him condoms. told him it wasn't a green light to use them. but if he was going to have sex that i didn't want him getting a disease which would make his willy ooze puss and be covered in sores.

then i told him. no matter what the situation, what trouble he was in, whether it was the police, whether it was his fault or a friends fault. if something went wrong. phone me. unless its rape or murder I would probably be on his side. just phone me. keep in contact with me.

it all seemed to him to be some kind of negotiation. it kinda was but it was more that i was 'playing' him to ensure his safety. My reasoning at that time was that he was going to find a way of doing it ( hell i did!) so it was better i had some control over the situation.

of course this isn't always going to work. its very much child. parent relationship dependant - also dependant on whether you have a car/ means of looking after other children - you cant go round picking her up at 1am if you have to wake 4 other kids ...etcetc... so i am by no means advocating it as a fix all solution -- just one that suited me.

Original poster
bobalinga · 16/01/2007 13:07

We did do that to some extent. I gave her huge amounts of freedom but said I expected her to call me and I was to know where she was, who with and what train she was catching (her friends are country-wide) but she even resented that!

Still waiting to hear from the SS. They said they were going round to interview her this morning and then would come to us. Still nothing. Like its ok for us to sit here unable to eat or sleep with worry.

If, say, she'd run off to live with her father, like that Scottish/pakistani girl there would have been hoo-ha. But running off to a stranger means we are totaly out of the loop with no rights.

OP posts:
Original poster
bobalinga · 16/01/2007 16:24

How does oneget over this pain. It just hurts so much that she would put us through this hell. I can't eat or sleep.
She is now willing to talk to me on the phone but not about anything 'important' but is all chirpy cos she thinks she has her way staying at this jerk's house.
Meanwhile we are just in tears.

OP posts:
Tortington · 16/01/2007 16:27

i dont know why your talking to her at all.

winnie · 16/01/2007 16:36

bobalinga, any developments?

Freckle · 16/01/2007 17:52

I agree with the legal approach. Get your solicitor to send a letter with an accompanying document for him to sign, indicating that he accepts full legal responsibility for your dd, to provide her with an appropriate education, to clothe and feed her, to be held legally responsible if she gets into trouble, etc, etc. I'm sure your solicitor can come up with some futher responsibilities.

It is highly unlikely that he will sign it and will probably want rid of her asap.

What does he do for a living? Is he employed? If not, perhaps offering to pay maintenance at a rate which affects his elibility for benefits might concentrate his mind.

sandcastles · 17/01/2007 00:52

Not meaning to sound harsh, but she is looking for attention & drama & you are giving it her in spades imo.

I agree with custardo. Why do you continue to feed her want/need for attention? When you call I assume you probably end up crying, begging her to come home? Playing right into her hands, everytime. My god, what more attention could a 14 yr old want? Police, SS, you on the phone begging her to come home, this guy supporting her, her friends thinking she is cool for 'leaving home'

Stop calling her, I know it will be hard. Once the attention dies down & she realises that this guy won't be able to provide what she needs she will be home.

Or the next time you talk to her, just say 'you ok, got what you need? Bye then'. Don't play into her hands!

Get official with this guy, get a sol to draft a letter & send it to him. Full parental responsibility. If he thinks it's so great she has left, then he take responsibility for her. Simple!

You have given her a huge amount of freedom in the past, she hated school, so you home schooled her, laid back rules & now you refused to let her go to the party, she is probably confused/pissed off as to why you suddenly pulled the 'mum' act over it. She didn't like it when you said NO to her.

And of course she doesn't care about anyone else, she's a teen! That's what they like you to think.

You can repair your relationship. Quite honestly, if you have that attitude when she comes back, she'll be off again. Please do someting constructive. Get on with your life & get the legal system down on this guy...then see how quick she comes home!

And in all honesty, if that were my daughter, I'd be at the door & telling her to get her arse home as quick as she likes!

sandcastles · 17/01/2007 00:54

I meant to add

At least you know where she is
At least you know she is safe
At least she isn't on the streets
At least you know she is being fed

That's a hell of alot more than some parents know!

Lwatkins · 17/01/2007 01:57

Tell her fine and lock the sodding door! She'll soon realise just how comfy she had it at home. Ignore her for a while, reverse pshycology (sp) works wonders on teenagers! My mum always used it when i was being a bitch as a teenager and it always worked. Stop giving into her attention needs, i know its hard and you'll worry yourself sick cause your her mother and thats what your supposed to do, but stop chasing her. Let her stay, don't call. And whilst she's away empty her room, give her the welcome back she deserves. Take away all her treats - tv, phone, cd player, no pocket money, no computer etc.
Oooo, but leave her cd's and films - this used to make me so mad. I remember (a few years ago now!) coming home one day after refusing to come home the previous evening to find my room empty except for my bed, a change of clothes and a stack of my cd's and films. No tv/dvd player or cd player to listen to/watch them on though! I was screamin for mercy within hours! Took me 2 months to get all my stuff back! Good old mum, looking back i just think how cool she was to think these things up! I had some terribly nasty surprises for me waiting at home when i had been terribly nasty to my poor mum and dad! Love em to bits mind!
Chin up x

winterpimms · 17/01/2007 10:12

All probably good advice here but I know I couldn't do it. I think it is a big step forward that you are now talking on the phone - keep talking!

Let her know that you love her and she can come back at anytime but don't beg, just leave it at that. Keep talking everyday with no pressure.

I hope she realises how much better off she is at home.

Why didn't anyone tell us how incredibly cruel and selfish teenagers were!!

Original poster
bobalinga · 17/01/2007 11:54

I wanted to thank everyone for thir advice over the last few days.
Things are at a standstill right now. The SS and the police don't feel there is a case against us (re her accusation her dad hit her) but unless we insist they wont remove her from this house.
The man finally phoned this morning and says if we force her to leave then she will take us to court etc etc
So we're gonna leave it. Leave her there. Wait for her to come to her senses. Its the most painful thing in the whole world for me and I've been sat in her bedroom crying.
I just hope she sees sense one day.
But thankyou everyone for listening.

OP posts:
UCM · 17/01/2007 11:58

Bobalinga, maybe print this off and show it to her one day.

I know it's really hard, but I think the advice on here has been very good.

She will change and you will get your 'little girl' back one day.

SamanthaSnurkington · 17/01/2007 11:59

bobalinga, you must be so tired and upset by all this. I hope it resolves itself soon.
I am a bit confused by your comment
* The man finally phoned this morning and says if we force her to leave then she will take us to court etc etc *
Could you explain how a 14 year old child can take her parents to court for insisting she returns home and no longer crashes out at the home of a man they hardly know?
I'm honestly not being funny about it, but I'm genuinely interested in what she can legally do as a minor, especially as her false claim of your DH hitting her has been dismissed by the authorities.

Original poster
bobalinga · 17/01/2007 12:13

Apparently under the Children's Act, any child over the age of 12 can appoint a solicitor and fightagainst their parents. especially if they claim hitting etc.
I don't want her to go that route if she feels that pushed, especially with this guy encouraging her.
So, for now, I'm giving her the freedom she craves and just wait and hope she keeps communication open and come home one day.
But its hard and its breaking my heart.

OP posts:
SamanthaSnurkington · 17/01/2007 12:15

Thanks for replying, Bobalinga.
You know your daughter best, and have her welfare at heart.
I think you are a very patient and kind mother, and your DD will remember this again soon, I'm sure.

fairyjay · 17/01/2007 12:29

Would this man not need to be checked out, if he is responsible for a teenage girl who is not his daughter?

Judy1234 · 17/01/2007 12:43

Poor you. I remember being 14. It isn't very easy. Does she have her books with her? If you were home eduating her since Christmas and she's 14 presumably she's in the middle of the 2 year GCSE course so who is going to take over checking and marketing etc? perhaps sending this man her schedule of daily academic work etc and thanking him for taking this on might make them realise what they're getting in for.

Original poster
bobalinga · 18/01/2007 16:02

Well, We haven't got anywhere. The police wont fetch her because she's nearly 15 and 'safe' and social services wont do anything either.
Friends are telling me to back off and let her be.
but How do I deal with the heartbreak. How do I walk past her room and see her things? How do I stop feeling like a terrible mother, so terrible that she ran away.
How do I even want to live anymore?
I bet she doesn't even think about how I'm feeling.

OP posts:
Freckle · 18/01/2007 16:07

No, she probably doesn't. But that's just teenagers for you. It's nothing personal, IYSWIM.

Hard as it is, I think you just have to bide your time and hope that she sees sense sooner rather than later.

Tortington · 18/01/2007 16:17

leave her be - concentrate on your other children. i promise she will be jealous. dont even phone

Flower3554 · 21/01/2007 15:47

Any news bobalinga?

SecondhandRose · 21/01/2007 16:00

So sorry to hear this. But as others have said, don't beg as it will just make her stay where she is. I certainly would not allow for any of her things to be picked up, you bought them and they stay at her home.

I am disgusted that a 14 yr old is allowed to make these kind of decisions, they are not allowed to have sex so why on earth are they allowed to leave home and go somewhere where you don't know what will happen.

Stay strong.

SecondhandRose · 21/01/2007 16:02

Has this man got a job? How is he going to feed and clothe two hungry teenagers?

tigermoth · 21/01/2007 16:26

agree with secondhandrose. I am so sad that the police won't do more. 14 years is so young and to be in the care of a 38 year old man is just not right IMO.

Has she been away from home for a week or so? What happens when she needs money to buy something, wants money for fares, clothes, tampons? Will this dad dig deep into his pockets? From what you have said, I think not. I hope for your sake she soon starts to see how financially cut off she is and that kick starts her into coming home. I know it's not the best reason to come home, but it's a start.

Does this man's biological daughter have much money btw? There is no job involved in this living arrangement, is there? That would make me really worried.