14 yo refusing to come home

[bobalinga]

My 14 yo daughter has just phoned from a friends house and is refusing to come home becuase I wouldn't ket her go to a party. Its 1am and the police have been called.
Anyone been through this?
What happened?
She says she wants to live at her friends house. The dad (single dad) wouldn't come to the phone - he's a drunk hippy.
Now what?

How's things bobalinga?

She emailed me with a list of things she left behind and would like. No please or thankyou. And a suggestion that maybe I get her grandparents to drop them off outside the house she is staying in. They live in London and I can't imagine they'd fancy driving 120 miles to drop some stuff off and not even see her. Plus the implication that I am too 'dangerous' to be allowed to do it.
I'm angry and hurt.

bobalinga, I can see why you're feeling so hurt.
I think custy's advice of "leave her be - concentrate on your other children. i promise she will be jealous. dont even phone."
is very wise.
And I agree with secondhandrose re "I certainly would not allow for any of her things to be picked up, you bought them and they stay at her home."
Your DD appears to want to be treated as an adult. An adult would have to come home and talk things through.
I would ignore the email, even though I appreciate it is a very hard thing to do.
She knows where you are. Wait for her to come to you.

I would reply to the email but only to tell her she is free to come home and collect her things. (I am assuming she is not wanting to take really valuable stuff with her, like good jewellery etc)

Play it neutral but give her no reason to believe you are actively depriving her of her possessions - that will feed the drama, IMO.

bobalinga, You should tell her that if she wants her things, then she must come & get them. She choose to leave & you don't want to encourage her, so let her do her own fetchng & carrying.

Yes, agree with both those messages. She is free to get her things herself. Certainly don't involve anyone else in this. So sorry, I didn't realise she is so far away.

Daughter is only 7 miles away, its the Grandparents who live 120 miles away. That she wants to drive all the way here so they can drop her stuff over. Cos obviously I am such an ogre.
I am feeling angry at her today. Angry at her selfishness, angry that I did eberything for her and gave her all I could and yet she has thrown it all back at me for someone she's only known less than 2 years cos her mate has a 'cool' dad. A dad who doesn't also have to care for a severely disabled 3 yo, a dad who isn't in a wheelchair like I am.
I'm still very hurt inside and I still love her but right now I don't like her very much. She sent me a 2nd email today with yet more stuff listed plus a request for her ticket for a Home education gathering we are all going to in July. I think maybe Mister 'cool dad' should buy it for her.

You stand firm and keep your money in your purse. You know you are right, so please don't give in to her demands. If she wants to be an adult she needs to start behaving like one. To be honest if I was you I wouldn't let her take things you have bought out of the house (but I understand that may cause more friction).

Well, at least she is emailing you. It sounds like the financial reality of her situation is kicking in, hence the lists of requests to you.

It also really sounds like she is testing the boundaries. OK, I don't have a teenage daughter, but from what you've said, that my opinion.

I wouldn't pay for the ticket. I think you need to put a clear boundary setting message in your reply email to her. ie you won't pay for her stuff if she won't live at home. Make that clear. Make it also clear that if she ever wants to talk things over you want to listen. You are open to negotiation about her rights and responsibilities, but only as part of a deal of her moving back home.

Anyway for what it's worth, that's what I'd do, I think.

good luck!

Totally agree with Tigermoth, be strong.

I have just read this thread for th first time. I really feel for you bobalinga.
I dont have teenagers but I was a pretty horrible one myself. So for what its worth I think you need to leave the door open for her to return, I would reply to the email but I wouldnt let her come and pick up her things or her tickets. You paid for them and they will become part of the barganing tool,if and when she decides to return. The novlety will wear off this situation soon i think.

any news, bobalinga?

I do feel that you need to get over to her that, if she chooses to live with another adult and deny that you have any rights over her, then she needs to get this other adult to accept those rights/responsibilities. If she wants tickets to something, she has to get her "guardian" to buy them. If she wants clothes, etc., then her "guardian" has to provide them.

If she is willing to return home and accept your boundaries, then you are willing to resume responsibility for such matters.

It must be terribly hard. I had no idea you are in a wheelchair in addition to having a special needs child. Your dd seems to be doing a typical teenage strop to get more attention but in a fairly drastic way.

Our daughter was a little older than yours when she started running away, but it wasn't until we left her alone that she finally wanted to come home. We are fine now, and her advice to someone else who had rouble with her daughter was: "tell her to cherish her, she will be so ashamed when she's grown up." So that tod me that she was really ashamed of her behaviour now (25) and that she had never stopped missing me. I aske her what had changed her and she said that she thought we'd both had some space. Don't give in to demands, but keep lines of communication open.
Best of luck

Well, last night she talked to me on IM but didn't want to discuss why she left. So we talked about light things. She did ask for her stuff so I told her she needs to come and get it. I did tell her I love her and do want her home but she didn't say anything.
She says she's happy and mellow there and wants a private fostering arrangement drawn up (has to by law after 27 days) but I told her that the man wont get any money for her. She hadn't realised that. He'll just get her child benefit. Only proper fosterers get paid. This man has told mutual friends that he'd rather a long term arrangement was somewhere else but is willing to keep her until she makes up her mind. Thing is, without any pushing on his part she isn't going to move. Why should she? No rules, best mate etc etc. Its like being a hippy in a squat.
I think she is thinking only of herself and until something unpleasant happens, she wont want her family.
While I do want her back and miss her, things are much more peaceful here as most of the tension was caused by her. She's very intense and needy (she breaks up with friends often because they can't provide the attention she needs) so if she ever does want to come home then counselling is needed.
Thanks for your words Ladyfish, its what i think too. I don't think any of us appreciate our mothers (if we have good ones, and I am a good mother) until we are older and maybe have our own kids. I hate her not being here and I hate mssing out on her growing up but she needs to get her head together.
Social services (still not been round, or the police) will have to sort out a private fostering arrangement and care packagae at 28 days so she'll get a social worker and I actually get some say! I think this man will get fed up eventually or she'll fall out with her mate (they are sharing a bedroom) soon enough.
Its painful still though, like a part of me is missing.

Yes, I know so much what you mean, bobalinga. You just keep asking yourself: "what have I DONE to deserve such treatment?" and the only answer I have given myself is: I was too soft, I have wanted to give and give what wasn't wanted AT THE TIME. I have sent money, given in to demands, taken her back three or four times, unconditionally, in the hope that she had learned from her mistakes but it took years before we could have any kind of relationship again. I still have to pick myself up so now and again and hold back to think: leave her, she'll sort it out for herself. I found it very hard to get on with my life,she was the younger of two children, but when all is said and done you've only got the one life you are responsible for and that is your own. And you have other children to think of. Once you get so comprehensible rejected by your child it is very hard to realise that the only way forward is to stand off and let her get on with it. Don't feel guilty about 'enjoying' the peace it brings not to have her around. Let social services sort it out if they want to. Get on with your life as best you can. Hope to hear from you again

Sounds like very wise advice from Ladyfish.

Bobalinga, whatever is happening is temporary as you obviously realise. Your dd might hold out to get a temporary fostering agreement after 28days, or she might come home. You just have to wait. It must be awful to not have any control about this, and 14 is so young. I look at my nearly 13 year old ds who is so dependent on us, and think just know how rejected and utterly shocked I would feel if he left.

You obviously love your dd such a lot, and want her back - I agee with ladyfish (who says it much better than me) that as long as your dd knows you love her and the lines of communication are open, that's the best you can do for now.

Are the lines of communication also open between you and this man whose home she is living in? Would now be a good time to remind him that he can talk to you about the situation at any time?

No communication with this man. We've had too many arguments - mainly about him buying booze for teenagers. he thinks I'm an oppressive parent cos the only rule I have is she phones when she goes somewhere. His kids are 'home educated' but never do any work, he's froma rich family biut is on the dole cos he thinks working is 'oppressive' and his hobby seems to be suing members of his family over his mother's will.

Does he have plenty of money to support your daughter then? Is he going to fund her shopping sprees and takeaways? You may find it is him that returns her home if she is costing him too much money.

Well, what a charming man, obviously out to hurt as many people as possible. My dd also hung out with such a charmer, fortunately not for very long.
Just occurred to me though, how long since your two 'piggies in the middle' (11 and 13?) got any treats? Between dd and your 2yr old child with disability is anything nice going on for them? I'm a great believer in pancakes

yes, perhaps its a very good time to concentrate on your other children and leave this mess to run its course.

It sounds like this man is divorced from reality, and frighteningly immature. I know a man a bit like this and find it hard to believe he could have reached the age he is and be so..... (exasperated emoticon).

The realities about your dd is going to catch up with him very soon. For one thing there's the money aspect and for another, if this temporary fostering agreement kicks into motion his home arrangement must come to the notice of social services (even if in a routine way) and and things might start getting a bit to much like too much like hard work for him.

Whatever your background of arguments, would you consider sending a brief letter to his address, just to remind him your the door is always open for your dd and you are always willing to talk to her or to him. It's something concrete that he can't deny. You could send it signed for delivery so you know he has it. It gives him a get out clause as your dd can never claim to him that she has no home to go to.

so sorry you are going through this, i was a nightmare at that age, left home at 16 but grew up sensible and ashamed, eventually it will work out and time does heal

Tigermoth, you are full of good ideas. I can't remember if you said your daughter's father is still about but maybe you could send him a copy of the letter too so he knows what is happening.

Thanks Tigermoth
DD talked to me online again today but asked about this man (lets call him X) becoming her fosterer. I explained the difference between a private fostering arrangement where he doesn't get paid and has to agree to care package etc and paid fosterers who pretty much apply for the 'job' and its takes up to a year to be approved. She hadn't realsied there was a difference. I pointed out that in whatever case, we are still responsible for everything and he can't get her a passport, take her to the docs etc etc without our permission.
I think I burst her bubble cos she stropped off at that point.
But it is frighteening how cold she is and how determined never to come home. I know she was unhappy, but it was of her own making to be honest. Things are peaceful and pleasant at home now, my 2 boys don't get coerced yet are willing to help round the house and are mature and pleasant poeple. A tiny bit of me thinks maybe this is for the best and maybe we can establish a relationship that is more equal if she isn't living here but my 'mum' part is still mourning what feels like a loss. Plus worry about her future etc She is only 14. I feel like I've lost my daughter (and i have a whole host of complicated feelings about that. She's my first born daughter and I'd looked forward to the mother/daughter thing. I can't have it with my other daughter as she is so severely disabled. I feel like I've lost my 'chance')
I just hope this man cracks soon, or my daughter fals out with her mate.

Do you get the impression perhaps that X has put this fostering idea in her head as he thinks he can get paid for her living with him? Seems an odd thing for a 14yo to come up with by herself.

Perhaps once X realises there is no financial gain to having your dd with him, he'll change his tune.