14 yo refusing to come home

[bobalinga]

My 14 yo daughter has just phoned from a friends house and is refusing to come home becuase I wouldn't ket her go to a party. Its 1am and the police have been called.
Anyone been through this?
What happened?
She says she wants to live at her friends house. The dad (single dad) wouldn't come to the phone - he's a drunk hippy.
Now what?

Hope it is all OK.
I am off to bed I'm afraid - I had wannabe hippy parents, and i turned out OK. I also remember stand up rows featured in my wild wild teen years.

Hope all is OK again. (if you were in the NW I would offer to take your children to school for you in the am, but there is probably not anything practtical I can do to help, wish there was)

Police refused to do anything last night and even hung up on us. The jerk was all well spoken and they said cos Dd seemed safe they#d leave her there.
Been on to social services this morning and they can't do anything until the police take it asa child abduction issue and issue this man with an order saying she has to leave.
Heard from a mutual friend that jerk has already said he thinks Dd spends too mucht ime there and wouldn't be prepared to look after her. Maybe if he told her that we could get a converstaion going but he wont speak to us, her parents or answer the phone.
Its like we have no power at all.
Just waiting for the police and SS to do something useful before 5pm when they all bugger off home again.

Hi I am sorry you are going through this. I am afraid I utterly understand how frustrated and hurt you must feel. At 14 dd's friend told me she had been thrown out and was wandering the streets, try as I might I couldn't get hold of her family to discuss this so I let her stay. The next day I talked to her guardian and it was made quite clear that they wanted her home. She begged me to let her stay and told me all manner of stories too but the bottom line was that her guardian wanted her home. I involved the school and ss as I didn't want this girl to feel abandoned and like I'd not taken her seriously but I told her she could not stay with me and she was physically taken home. I am shocked that adults would act in any other way with a child of this age. My dd is now 17 and we have all manner of problems and often I feel that there is no one on my side supporting me so I do understand how you feel. I am shocked that the police have been so crap. Sending you hugs and fingers crossed it all gets resolved very soon.

I would be questioning why a 38 yr. old man wants the additional responsibility of a 14 yo girl - they are not easy.

The strangest people can be well spoken - and the police should be aware of that.

Really feel for you bobalinga.

Where is her dad? Surely he can go around and get her out.

I think I might be a little worried about a 38 yo man encouraging a 14 yo girl to defy her parents. Are you satisfied that he is to be trusted? I know that you think he is a laid back drunk, but could he have a more sinister interest in your dd?

I don't want to worry you more, but I am surprised that the police weren't more interested in this set up.

I just wanted to add that my Dh and I were in a similar situation 9 years ago. Our 15 year old Dd decided that she wanted to live with a chap twice her age and refused to come home one night.

We rang the police who, I have to say, were fantastic to us and they sussed out where this chap lived and went round straightaway. Our Dd refused to come home and got very abusive to them so they put handcuffs on her and took her to the local police station.

The officer rang to tell us all of this and after asking us if we wanted her home (he said if she was his he would change his locks and never have her back) and they then brought her home.

We had a long talk, one of many, and she agreed to stay at home until she turned 16. Not to please us, I hasten to add, but so that the man would not get into trouble with the police. She was underage after all.

To cut a long story (sorry) short she did leave home when she was 16 and moved in with this man. 9 years on they are as happy now as they were then and our Dd is so close to us now.

We actually laugh hysterically now at what we call handcuffs day. There is light at the end of the tunnel sometimes and I would say keep the lines of communication open if at all possible. Good luck.

Similar story here. DD was 17 when she took up with 30 year old waster. He had left the mother of his child back in London and walked out, paying nothing and never seeing his kid. I was terrified that DD would get pregnant and be in the same boat as his ex.

At 17 there is nothing you can do legally. I begged and pleaded with her, I got angry and shouted. Nothing worked.

One year on, the scales fell from her eyes and she said she dumped him because 'I want to be a teenager again and mess about with my mates, not cook dinner and iron shirts every day'!

Sorry to be so blunt, but why weren't you and your dh round there first thing this morning to bring her home?????

Because we would be refused entry to the house and Dd is refusing to come out. If we broke down the door and dragged her out we would be arrested and Dd would then just run away again.
Its like we have no powers. The police say she seems safe there but thats not the point. As her parents we have a say where she stays surely but ristol police are doing bugger all.

If she is Home Schooled and is not at home then I am guessing that she is not being schooled?
Could you use that at all, even if it is only to point out to her that she is now going to have to go to school?

Right now we are waiting for the SS and child protection team to interview Dd. She's still at the jerks house. He still wont come to the phone (a normal parent would have talked to us whichever side they are on)
I finally got Dd to speak to me on the phone and she said she was unhappy at home and wanted to stay where she was. That Jerk would pay for al her clothes/food/school etc. Being as he hasn't confirmed any of this I dont know what to think.
After they have seen her they are coming in, finally, to hear our side. But despite our saying we want her in a safe place they are still leaving her there which I found astonishing. Jerk isn't a relative or family friend. He'sa father of oneof her teenage friends. We told the CPT we didn't think he was safe, that he was coaching her, that he leaves his own kids alone overnight but despite this they refused to take her into care, saying she is safe where she is.
Do we get any say in the matter? Can they award a stranger, single 38 yo male custody of a 14 yo girl on her say-so? Against our approval?
Dd told the police that her dad beat her up once last April. Its untrue. I've always followed the TCS child rearing and have never even smacked.
It seems unreal that we are in this situation yet police forces around the country drag back runaways to abusive parents, or parants who let their kids roam the streets committing crimes.
I want her in SS foster care while this is sorted out.

I know it's hard but I would leave her there. I bet she'll be back within days. You sound like a loving caring mum and she will get fed up with it.

I did something very similar to my parents and soon found out that life without the financial support/washing etc from Mummy & Daddy is very harsh. It's no good being allowed to do what you want without clothes/money.

You do say this man is a layabout. How does he earn his money? Is he seriously willing to take on the care of another (stroppy) teenager and pay for that? I think not. Perhaps spending some time there will make her appreciate what she has at home. I suspect her friend probably thinks it's fun for now too, but that will undoubtedly wear off.

I did this when i was 14 and drove my mum crazy.
We had a bad relationship and argued about everything so in the end i decided to move to a friends house, i was there for 1yr but never got into trouble and was always fed and clean and looked after and still attended school.
Like you the police or social services wouldn't do anything.
I think your daughter will come home left to her own devices she will soon miss you.
it took me a yr to come home but it was more a case of not wanting to hurt my pride and i actually wanted to come home alot sooner.

But on the plus side it made my mum and my realtionship 100% stronger and now at the age of 19 we are the best of friends.

I know it's not easy but if your daughter is anything like me she will look after herself untill she is ready to come home, then when she does write a list of rules and get her to write a list of rules she thinks are exceptable and then compromise betwwn the two. It will give her freedom and you some control. It worked with me it may work for you.

I hope it works out for you.

I think if I felt this guy was a decent parent then I'd be happy (well, not happy, my heart is breaking and I want my daughter home) for her to stay until either he got fed up or she did.. But he wont speak to us on the phone, he takes his own kids and leaves them at various friends houses round the country for weeks on end (a great adventure for teenagers) and he leaves his kids overnight. He also thinks buying booze for teens is 'cool'
Not the sort of environment I want my daughter brought up in.
I feel like she is lost to me and apart of me is missing and \I wish so much I hadn't said no to this stupid party :-(

He also wouldn't send her to school cos he is a home educator and thinks school is oppressive. It was him who presuaded her to leave school at Xmas. She hasn't been back since and the school, a private one grandparents were paying for) have washed their hands of her.

hi there,

just read through this and my heart goes out to you. like you, i cant believe social services arent removing her from his house!my thoughts are with you and i hope she comes home of her own accord within a few days when the novelty has worn off

Just about to write the same as Brandy.

Hope you get good news today - as if dealing with a stroppy 14yr old isn't hard enough - feel so angry at this dad for making a bad situation so much worse

"Dd told the police that her dad beat her up once last April. Its untrue".
I had a similar thing to this with the GF of my DS1 (he is now 17)about 2 years ago. His GF claimed that her dad had hit her, and I was put in difficult position of whether to believe her and how to advise her. Turned out that she just wanted more freedom I think, and was making it up to try to escape the family home.
I really do feel for you.
Is there anyone who is a mutual friend who could try to talk to this Father or act as go between with your daughter?
Also think hard about the foster care thing. A friend of DS1 was having a hard time at home, or more accurately giving his mum a hard time. She had a new SN babe and couldn't cope with him. I ended up looking after him on behalf of SS for a couple of days, but then, as there was no Foster Care available and I couldn't have him long term he ended up in a childrens home. The staff did their best but, maybe because of the kids he mixed with there, he kind of went of the rails.
I really hope she comes to her senses soon (though if and when she does it might be quite hard for her to admit it!)

then when she comes home?

won't she just runa away again?

me thnks she likes the attention. nothing beats the power of mother the title of mother by its very virtue.

if i was happy that she was safe and being fed and clothed, in this situation i would go t a solicitor.

i would want this man t sign something saying he had the legal responsability for my daughter in case of accident or death.

tell her she can come home always. but on your terms not hers and you have to spend your energy on the rest of your family.

leave her alone, i am sure she will be jeaous of the motherly love you give to your other children

and the 14 year old mind will go all melodramatic.

at this moment in time she has created her own universe - of which she is ruler, creator and rule maker, everyone is spinning around her and it feels good.

im sorry but there is something VERY worring and unnatrel and just plain sick about a 38 year old man wanting and encoraging a 14 year old girl to live in his house.

Can the ss run a check on him?

I totally agree with custardo's last sentence, that sums up the whole situation I think.

The 'jerk's' attitude is very strange and the lack of communication with you is enough I think to warrant a child protection investigation. Not that I think he is abusing her but it is something that he should experience to be honest, if he thinks that he can encourage other people's kids to live with him without recourse to the parents and with impunity from any challenge. Make life damn difficult for that idiot!

I do agree with custy that at the moment she feels at the centre of some gratifying attention giving drama and I think she needs to come down to earth with a bump. Of course you desperately want your child at home but is that knowledge compounding her feeling of power? Would a bit of benign neglect and giving all the motherly love and attention to the kids who ARE at home, bring her down a bit?

But I think one other thing too, that's that you are possibly not at the stage of being able to say no to parties etc now....she is 14 now and maybe that stage is gone, perhaps when she is back home it can be a case of negotiating these things even if you are not happy with where she is going...eg you are really not happy (tell her why) but you are prepared to let her go and will pick her up at 9pm or whatever.

I think surely better an unsuitable party for a few hours than an unsuitable place to live!