Threatened w legal action for reporting underage teen party???

[Debsnz]

Hi I'm new here and somewhat gob smacked right now.

Over the weekend, I found that my teenage daughter had snuck out. She wasn't answering her phone, so I rang the police to report her missing and started driving around to try to find her.

I did eventually find her, walking the street with two friends. I told them to get in the car, which they did, and I immediately noticed the unmistakable smell of alcohol. My daughter swore she wasn't drinking, and I checked her breath, and she hadn't been. It was her friends.

So I took them back to their house, and got out the car to walk to the front door - intending to talk to their parents. Suddenly my daughters friend blocked my way and told me in no uncertain terms that I wasn't allowed in. I said I wanted to talk to her mother. She said, smugly, you can't - she's away for the weekend with her boyfriend. At this point I noticed movement in the house behind her; there were dozens of teenagers. Obviously, having a party while mum was away.

I said does your mother know you're having a party? To which she said yes she does and she said its ok. I was doubtful, and not at all impressed with her attitude. I told her that she is underage and it is illegal to drink without parental supervision; she continued to smugly smirk at me. I was shocked at her utter rudeness and disrespect.

I didn't believe her; besides, the police has asked me (on my earlier phone call) to let them know if I managed to locate my daughter. So I pulled out my phone, rang the police and told them the address, that there was an underage party going on with teen drinking and no parental supervision and perhaps they might want to come break it up. At this point, many of the teenagers left - they didn't want to get arrested, obviously.

In the meantime my daughter was crying that I was ruining her life, to which I said perhaps she'll think twice before she ever sneaks out to any other parties, then. I also gave the police the mothers contact details.

Tonight, having calmed down, I sent a text to the friends mother letting her know that I had discovered her kids walking the street drinking, and that when I took them home I discovered a house full of teenagers having a party. Perhaps I was naive, but I did not expect her response - that she had been talking to her lawyers and I would be receiving a letter from them soon, and to never contact her again! All I can think is that her "dear" children must have lied in order to avoid getting in trouble.

I'm flabbergasted. I admit I was very angry - I was worried sick when I discovered my daughter missing, and I couldn't believe her friends would be so rude and disrespectful - but I never would have thought someone would threaten legal action just because I contacted the police. Surely, she should've been grateful that I broke the party up so that her house didn't end up destroyed or anyone hurt (or worse) as is so often the case with underage drinking?

I'm not a complete goody-two-shoes fun police; I just don't think it's safe for kids to be drinking without any adults present, I definitely don't think teenage girls should be wandering round the streets at night drinking, anything could happen to them. Am I just old fashioned? Or is it the other mother with the problem?

This thread is very different from the thread(s) about booster seats, at least when discussing what is legal or not.

I don't understand that.

I don't understand why we are meant to precisely follow the law (and exceed it) for a 12-year-old but allow the law to be broken for a 16-year-old.

Not saying I follow all laws or guidance, but there's a real thrashing going on here (toward the OP, whoincidentallyreacted differently than I would have), which makes me think it's to do with cultural norms rather than legalities or proven safety practices.

Very interesting.

Your daughter is not a kid. In the Uk she could legally marry (with parental consent)

Sprink, it's not about allowing the law to be broken for your individual teen.

I do not expect or want my teens to get drunk at a party.

But I also know that I have to bring those teens up to adulthood and care for them as long as I live. I know that they will be going through all sorts of temptations and dangers of which this is only the start. It is absolutely vital that we keep good communication open and that they know that I trust them to be sensible whatever is going on around them.

What the OP is doing is dangerous, because it risks driving her dd away from her influence. If her dd is sneaking out to go to parties, it sounds as if her control is already slipping. She needs to establish that communication again, not by pretending she approves of things she doesn't, but by showing that she can safely be confided in even when she does disapprove.

If I don't feel obliged to report every single piece of law-breaking I come across, the one situation I would feel I needed to hold back is precisely this one where a teen is waiting to see whether they can communicate with me or not. It is very admirable that the OP cares enough about these other children to want to stop it all, but she in unlikely to be successful, and in the meantime she risks losing her grip on the one person she is responsible for. Seems risky to me.

"care for them" in the sense of "care about them"

Still interested to know which law was being broken.

The laws about supplying minors with alcohol, Jeremy. Obviously you don't understand that our laws are different here to your own, but over here, it's illegal to supply alcohol to minors unless there is express consent from their parents AND there is appropriate adult supervision. Whether other parents had consented or not, there was no adult supervision and therefore the party was illegal (by our laws, at least).

Not to mention it is completely illegal for minors to be in possession of alcohol in a public place, and they had drinks with them when I picked them up on the street.

Incidentally, I caught up for a drink with my friend (who happens to be a lawyer) a couple nights ago, told her what had happened and before I got to the end of the story she had interrupted to say, please, tell me you rang the police. She actually said I should also have rung the local child protection agencies too. I guess the cultures are rather different here and there. Or maybe it's just mumsnet posters who are more afraid of offending their children, than protecting them. Were you all this afraid to make your kids eat their vegetables, too?

There is no need to be so rude. Clearly the laws and culture about teenage drinking are completely different in NZ to here. I'm not saying that what happens here is right, but I wouldn't have reacted the way you did because in the UK it would be considered a massive over reaction.

UK drinking laws here

Fact is YOUR daughter hadn't been drinking you said, or was that a lie?

Anything else... Keep your shovel in your own garden because the more you post the more it sounds like you have a stick up your backside and that could mean a rebellion from your child at some point.

I'd left home at her age and never went back.

So I'm the one who's apparently rude.... When this thread has been full of people insulting me and calling me a bad parent, when all I'd done is precisely what a lawyer (or law enforcement agent) over here would have advised.

My relationship with my daughter is fine, thank you very much, and the fact she snuck out once does not mean she's headed for rebellion. That was never my concern, and still isn't. The legal threats which did worry me a little have come to nothing and as my friend told me, any judge (in this country, anyway) would completely agree with my actions and frown upon a mother who thought it appropriate to leave her teenage children unattended with a houseful of booze for the weekend.

Of course, the fact that some of the posters here think they'll win their case by stating that they'd left home at 16, or worse, that a 16 year old can legally marry shows exactly what type of socio-economic group they come from, and I shouldn't be surprised they condone teen drinking. They probably condone teen pregnancy, too.

It's not about fear and allowing our kids to do as they wish.
It's about trust. It's about allowing them the space to grow. It's about giving them the environment to make mistakes, and knowing that we aren't judging them. It's about respect. It's about empowering them to be able to make the right choices and not give in to peer pressure. The tools they need in adulthood to be able to be independent. Because once they are adult, that's it. You say is not important.

Would that be the same group you come from. Considering New Zealand and the U.K. have the same stance in marriage.

Yep we were all horsing cider and riding rings round ourselves since we were 11.

It matters not a jot what people are classed. The overwhelming census is you went overboard. Why you are posting when you are so sure you are in the right is beyond me.

Of course, the fact that some of the posters here think they'll win their case by stating that they'd left home at 16, or worse, that a 16 year old can legally marry shock shows exactly what type of socio-economic group they come from

Geez, OP, you're not doing yourself any favours with that presumptuous statement.

Cory, I see sense in your comment but I also see a bit of fear (perhaps fear isn't the right word, but there's a sense that parents will "lose" their children when the children are teenagers if the parents apply no consequences for dangerous, illegal, or high-risk behaviour).

So many parents are happy to set rules for young children, but not for teenagers. We forget that adolescents are navigating a particularly treacherous time in their lives.

We forget that in addition to needing open lines of communication, they also need boundaries. Call it Rules or Laws or Discipline...whatever you like. They absolutely need it, so they can understand better how far they should push.

OP you are being breathtakingly rude. You come onto a UK website and insult us for not knowing the ins and outs of the law in NZ. You insult huge swathes of us by making presumptive and nasty generalisations.

Many experienced parents of teens have tried to help you. I think the posters who have put time into advising you deserve gratitude, not abuse.

My daughter hadn't asked me about the party;

I wonder why?

over here, it's illegal to supply alcohol to minors unless there is express consent from their parents AND there is appropriate adult supervision.

You don't know that because you didn't get in to the house. My parents would go away but my grandmother would move in for the week.

There may have been older teenagers there and the parents may well have given permission. If it was a 'party' then surely there would have been music and noise not just a bit of 'movement'.

If they were drinking in the street but you didn't notice until you smell alcohol then you need your eyes testing.

I bet the story is:

Parents go away for the weekend, teenagers given permission to have a few friends round and have some drinks while they are away.

Your dd knows you would never allow her to go so says good night and sneaks out, she is at her friends for an hour, then says 'mum will kill me, I'd better go home' and her friends offer to walk her home and meet you.

Parents come back to find the police have been to their house even though nothing they didn't know about was happening, or they were contacted by the police on the night.

You sound a lot like my mother, I was the one who said 'everyone else is allowed' and it was true.

She will be keeping lots secret from you, and will probably move out as soon as she can.

And like the UK she can move out today at 16.

She will be keeping lots secret from you, and will probably move out as soon as she can

Yep ^

OP you don't seem to be very secure in your parenting. The aim is to raise, install and teach in preparation for adult life. There comes a point where you have to start letting go of the reigns a smidge and trust them.

Not trusting your daughter is saying you don't trust your own parenting.

She didn't drink, the rest is none of your business.

How does one get a random boyfriend? What's the difference between that and a boyfriend?

You have parents so strict you do know what a good relationship looks like so you jump at the first man who smiles at you and move in a week later.

Sprink Thu 05-May-16 02:41:53

"Cory, I see sense in your comment but I also see a bit of fear (perhaps fear isn't the right word, but there's a sense that parents will "lose" their children when the children are teenagers if the parents apply no consequences for dangerous, illegal, or high-risk behaviour).

So many parents are happy to set rules for young children, but not for teenagers. We forget that adolescents are navigating a particularly treacherous time in their lives. "

In that case I have expressed myself badly (as my children would be the first to tell you!) I thought I made it clear that I am not worried about insisting on rules in regard to my own children. It is my job to parent them, they know the score, I have absolutely no problem there.

The bit I disagree with is holding other people responsible. I want my children to know that unless they are physically forced to imbibe something they shouldn't, then I will hold them responsible and nobody else. At 16, I jolly well expect them to take responsibility for their actions, not bleat about how it was somebody else's fault for providing the stuff. They know that if there is a problem I won't care about what James' mother did: I want to know why you behaved as you did. Or rather, I want you to know it is unacceptable.

The rationale behind my "fear" is not fear of my children getting angry with me (that is inevitable and I can take it on the chin); it is the fear of them thinking of me as somebody who would be as much help as a chocolate teapot in a real emergency. Which I am afraid is pretty well how I did think of my loving and eminently lovable parents in this type of situation.

I don't mind them thinking I'm as bastard, as long as they think I am a sensible bastard.