Threatened w legal action for reporting underage teen party???

[Debsnz]

Hi I'm new here and somewhat gob smacked right now.

Over the weekend, I found that my teenage daughter had snuck out. She wasn't answering her phone, so I rang the police to report her missing and started driving around to try to find her.

I did eventually find her, walking the street with two friends. I told them to get in the car, which they did, and I immediately noticed the unmistakable smell of alcohol. My daughter swore she wasn't drinking, and I checked her breath, and she hadn't been. It was her friends.

So I took them back to their house, and got out the car to walk to the front door - intending to talk to their parents. Suddenly my daughters friend blocked my way and told me in no uncertain terms that I wasn't allowed in. I said I wanted to talk to her mother. She said, smugly, you can't - she's away for the weekend with her boyfriend. At this point I noticed movement in the house behind her; there were dozens of teenagers. Obviously, having a party while mum was away.

I said does your mother know you're having a party? To which she said yes she does and she said its ok. I was doubtful, and not at all impressed with her attitude. I told her that she is underage and it is illegal to drink without parental supervision; she continued to smugly smirk at me. I was shocked at her utter rudeness and disrespect.

I didn't believe her; besides, the police has asked me (on my earlier phone call) to let them know if I managed to locate my daughter. So I pulled out my phone, rang the police and told them the address, that there was an underage party going on with teen drinking and no parental supervision and perhaps they might want to come break it up. At this point, many of the teenagers left - they didn't want to get arrested, obviously.

In the meantime my daughter was crying that I was ruining her life, to which I said perhaps she'll think twice before she ever sneaks out to any other parties, then. I also gave the police the mothers contact details.

Tonight, having calmed down, I sent a text to the friends mother letting her know that I had discovered her kids walking the street drinking, and that when I took them home I discovered a house full of teenagers having a party. Perhaps I was naive, but I did not expect her response - that she had been talking to her lawyers and I would be receiving a letter from them soon, and to never contact her again! All I can think is that her "dear" children must have lied in order to avoid getting in trouble.

I'm flabbergasted. I admit I was very angry - I was worried sick when I discovered my daughter missing, and I couldn't believe her friends would be so rude and disrespectful - but I never would have thought someone would threaten legal action just because I contacted the police. Surely, she should've been grateful that I broke the party up so that her house didn't end up destroyed or anyone hurt (or worse) as is so often the case with underage drinking?

I'm not a complete goody-two-shoes fun police; I just don't think it's safe for kids to be drinking without any adults present, I definitely don't think teenage girls should be wandering round the streets at night drinking, anything could happen to them. Am I just old fashioned? Or is it the other mother with the problem?

Quite. I do/did exactly that dailymail

Yes - if mine go missing I always thank them for coming home and make them a drink etc. This has led to them being a lot more honest, answering phones more and generally bring safer. I think your priority should be repairing things with your daughter now OP- don't worry about the other family.

So if she had mentioned the party would she have been allowed to go?

Not to that party, no way. She's been allowed to go to other parties but One with no parents and teens drinking is a recipe for disaster.

I cannot believe the naïveté of some posters. In the past few years I have heard stories of spiked drinks, vandalised houses, hospitalisation from alcohol poisoning, serious assaults; and at some of these, the parents were actually present (thank god as otherwise there could have been fatalities).

Aside from the fact my ex husband agrees 100% with me on this (in fact he is somewhat stricter than me, even) I don't want my daughter to put herself at risk. There are some parties that I am more than happy to drop her off to, but if she is too afraid to even ask about a party, you bet there's a reason.

I've heard those stories too. ut I don't actually know any teens who have had such bad experiences.

Then I am not suprised she snuck out.
You have no trust in your daughter. Just because other people have done X,y and z doesn't mean that she would, if you have given her the right tools when raising her.
The fact she didn't drink screams how mature she is.

You don't know that there wasn't anyone over 18 in that house.

Last year I was at a mates. Her teens were having a house party. We was there. It wasn't audible on the outside, her parties never are until a door or window is open. Around 9 one of the neighbours came hammering on the door. The back door had been open for about 5 minutes. Friends dd said no parents not in.. The reason was the neighbour is a pain in the arse who complains in a shouty ranty way.

The mother is an entitled silly cow. Her daughter is a complete madam with no respect and your daughter is a silly girl who has over reacted.

Just cos she went once doesn't mean she'll go every time.

And yeah, I do know the teens who have had these experiences..... Not just stories when it happens to kids you've known ten years or more, or when your daughter is distraught cos her friend's in hospital, or your friend is devastated on getting home after a weekend away to find vomit, smashed bottles and holes punched in every room of her house from her sons "couple of friends over" that got out of hand when someone posted details to Facebook. She told me, she WISHED someone would've rung the police.

I don't really care what strangers on the internet think, tbh. Obviously some people think kids should just be allowed to do whatever they want cos "they'll just do it anyway". perhaps I would do better ringing my ex husband for reassurance....oh the irony.

Next time she won't make the mistake of going out for a walk.

It's not about letting them do what they want. It's about respect and trust.

I would have been mortified if my teens were too scared to mention a party.

Debs, you know your daughter and the situaton better than any of us.
Just because they are bigger than us and know how to sweet talk us doesn't mean we should naivly believe everything they say. Teenagers do push boundaries and get themselves into difficult situations through lack of life experience and it's down to us as parent to provide guidance and support and sometimes that means making difficult /unpopular choices.
There does seem to be a bit of a weird attitude on MN that you have to micro manage every minute of a childs earlier years and then let them do whatever they like once they become teenagers through fear of upsetting them.

I think you need to wake up and smell the coffee.....today's teens routinely drink and have parties....did you never do this as a teen?... Well I did and I'm now 52 and have been through all this with my dcs ....you need to learn to loosen up a little, and develop some trust....you know she is old enough to leave home, get married have children...in 2 yrs she'll be off to Uni and then what will happen- are you going to follow her around campus?...
As far as the legal issue , that's all just rubbish

I don't want my daughter to put herself at risk.
Then she will never learn how to assess risk and make good decisions to keep herself safe.

I don't really care what strangers on the internet think
You posted!

Don't worry about the legal nonsense -it will come to nothing. It may even be the girl on her mum's phone, as pps said.

The mother seems a bit lax - possibly- given what you've said but that is not your problem. I'd focus on your relationship with your daughter now. Perhaps it's time to acknowledge that you overreacted. The danger in being a highly-strung parent is that in ten years' time your relationship will be distant and polite at best, non-existent at worst.

DD is nearly 16 and has been to several parties this year. All have involved alcohol and mostly absent parents.

However, DD hardly ever drinks and doesn't like being with out of control drunk people. I trust her because she tells me what happens. I don't interfere either.

I completely understand the OP's worry about her daughter's whereabouts, but she lost me when she decided to involve the police in breaking up the party. A massive over reaction IMO.

Wow serious over reaction your poor DD.

Its not the UK where it is cutesy-woo for kids to swill booze. Nz has the additional problem that they can drive at 16, so a lot get killed.

Daughter can suck up a little embarrassment, silly brat needs yo learn not to lie. Solicitor threat is probably another silky brat lying. Ignore

Another mum of teenagers here and ime most parties at this age do involve access to alcohol. I have always found the answer is ongoing communication and discussion well in advance of both the dangers and how to deal with the situation.

This involves making sure they know that I will hold them responsible for their actions, not some other child or their parent. Unless somebody is literally holding them down and forcing the stuff down their throats, they know perfectly well where the buck stops.

But it also involves them knowing that they can call us at any point and we will come out and do what we can to help, either them or a friend; they need never be so afraid of our reaction that they try to avoid asking us. My parents were very sensitive and easily shocked- the result was that I would never ask their advice on any situation that seemed in the least dodgy. In retrospect I can see that this was not the safest position I could have been in.

Our dc know perfectly well that we want them to stay safe and not embarrass themselves and we have discussed ways of doing that. But I felt very proud the day when dd, at one of her first parties, rang home to ask her dad to come our and pick up one of her friends who had had too much to drink. That kept that child safe for the night. And I don't think she would have done that if she had thought our first reaction would be to call the police on her friends. They trust us because they know that however much we may disapprove of something, we will be measured in our reaction when there is a problem at hand.

Your daughter is not a kid. In the Uk she could legally marry (with parental consent), and leave home.

Not sure what it's like in NZ but your behaviour sounds weird from where I'm sitting. Was reading it like this

Reading through I'm glad to see I'm not the only one. Can't help but worry about your dd a bit with your possible control issues.