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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD attracted to girl in her friendship group - ostracised

33 replies

ChocolateJam · 28/04/2016 19:03

DD(13) told a girl in her friendship group that she likes her. The girl reacted in horror and called her a pervert. The rest of the group has now pushed DD out and everybody has deleted her number from their phones. I think this will blow over but for now it is of course a major crisis. She doesn't want to go to school tomorrow and face them. Our usual rule is that unless you're very sick or injured, when it's a school day you go to school. However tomorrow they probably won't do a great deal at school, she fell and hurt her wrist and leg, and the friend thing means she will have to hide in the bathrooms at break (according to her). Should I let her stay home? What other advice can I give her?

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 28/04/2016 19:07

Liked her in what way? A sexual way, if so did she make that explicitly clear if not she needs to send a text stating it was not meant the way she has taken it

I think she really, really needs to back track

Other option is to approach the parents if you can and explain it was a mix up

Young minds just don't have the maturity to deal with this type of approach from a same sex situation

Spandexpants007 · 28/04/2016 19:07

Stress is also an illness

Keep her home tomorrow. Ring the school. Explain the situation to pastoral care. Ask them to deal with it and get back to you.

rightmywrongs · 28/04/2016 19:07

I would encourage her to face it tomorrow, head held high.
Sitting at home worrying what the rest of the group are saying / doing will be way worse & then there's the whole weekend.
It will probably seem a way bigger mountain to climb on Monday morning.

HarleyQuinneee · 28/04/2016 19:09

Don't tell her to back track. That gives the impression she did something wrong by being open about her feelings. She did nothing wrong. This 'friend' is not a nice person.

Spandexpants007 · 28/04/2016 19:11

Sending a text back tracking is a great idea though. Get her too minimise to the girls

However also let her know its fine to have feelings for either sex but it takes a little maturity to know when to raise such topics

HarleyQuinneee · 28/04/2016 19:11

I told my friends in school I was bisexual. Luckily they were much more understanding. Are there any local LGBTQ teen communities?
I'm now in a very happy same sex relationship.

Spandexpants007 · 28/04/2016 19:12

What does your DD want to do?

Original poster
ChocolateJam · 28/04/2016 19:15

She already tried to tell them it was only a joke but they didn't believe her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateJam · 28/04/2016 19:16

It wasn't a joke, it seems she is really attracted to this girl.

OP posts:
Spandexpants007 · 28/04/2016 19:17

Stupid response from the girl. She should have been more considerate if she's a good friend

MissMillament · 28/04/2016 19:19

There is no way your daughter should feel obliged to backtrack or minimise. Her 'friends' bullying behaviour is the issue here and it needs to be dealt with by the pastoral team - homophobic bullying is taken seriously in most schools now (and should be in all). Does the school have an LGBT club or other safe space? She needs to be clear that there is absolutely nothing with what she did and that she is entitled to the same protection from bullying as any other pupi.

KindDogsTail · 28/04/2016 19:20

DId she actually mean she was physically attracted when she said she liked her?

Or, did she mean she liked her in that she wanted to be friends with her, or that she admired her?

Lovepancakes · 28/04/2016 19:23

Your poor daughter. I don't know how you can help her when her friends are being so horrid unless you are friends with any of their parents who you could explain how upset she is so they could have a word about why they have rejected her like this. It makes me so sad for her as i'd sometimes hate to be that age again

Sadik · 28/04/2016 19:23

I agree with MissMillament - why on earth should your dd have to backtrack. What her 'friends' are doing is homophobic bullying. You / she may or may not want to take it up with school, obviously that should be her choice, but she really shouldn't have to deny her feelings or who she is :(

Lovepancakes · 28/04/2016 19:24

Yes missmillament has it better than me, sounds a very good idea to raise it with the pastoral team school .

Original poster
ChocolateJam · 28/04/2016 19:25

Physically attracted.

DD has had "boyfriends" before, this is the first time she is attracted to a girl so there has never been a need to look for LGBT resources before. I doubt there is anything at the school - we're not in the UK and I think a bit more conservative. I will see how things develop next week and approach the school counselors if the situation warrants it. Still not sure what to do about school tomorrow. I feel strongly that DD doesn't have to apologise for what she said but should reflect on the way she said it, and learn from that.

OP posts:
PresidentCJCregg · 28/04/2016 19:26

She 'really really needs to back track'?? Shock

Hamsolo · 28/04/2016 19:27

That's sad for your dd but I have some sympathy for the other girl too. Unwanted advances are really hard to deal with at that age, and it's understandable if she feels very weird about your dds approach. She would probably feel similarly if a male friend did the same where the feelings weren't returned. I wouldn't call her reaction bullying.

The actions of the wider group ganging up on her are though. I don't know how you'd make it better without potentially making it worse. The school might be best placed to advise?

I think you do also need to talk to your dd about appropriate times and ways to share romantic feelings too.

VagueIdeas · 28/04/2016 19:29

However also let her know its fine to have feelings for either sex but it takes a little maturity to know when to raise such topics

This, for sure.

They're only 13, so I wouldn't have expected a mature and considerate response, I'm afraid. And there's a difference between saying "I fancy girls" (which may have elicited a supportive kind of response) and "I fancy YOU", which is a risky statement to make and would invariably cause some major friendship issues.

But hindsight is a wonderful thing. Hope things smooth out soon.

MissMillament · 28/04/2016 19:31

I think going in would be the right thing to do if she can face it. Tell her to keep her head high and know that it she is not at fault. Are there any other friends she can hang out with other than these girls?. Can you email her form tutor or equivalent and explain there are friendship issues and to keep an eye out for her. As a teacher, I find it very helpful to know about issues like this so I can provide discreet support if necessary.

juliascurr · 28/04/2016 19:38

www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents

homophobic bullying should be dealt with by the school

Original poster
ChocolateJam · 28/04/2016 19:55

DD currently has no other friends to hang out with. She finds it hards to make friends as she is a bit... eccentric. Different from a typical 13 year old girl. I would have actually expected her to make friends with boys but that hasn't happened either. She started high school this year and I really hoped that she will find a kindred spirit or two in a larger school. Hopefully that will still happen.

OP posts:
KindDogsTail · 28/04/2016 20:49

I feel so sorry for her but feel that the although other's girl's reaction was very upsetting, and the other friends' ganging up is hysterical and unpleasant and wrong, they are all very young and it is not bullying in purpose.

This is a very delicate position for your daughter to be in. You said you are abroad. I wonder of there is any support you could look to where you are?

lljkk · 29/04/2016 20:18

(MN flaked out on me last night or would have posted then)

How awful :(. If OP was DD's friend DD would be muscling in to stand up for her & running around to give everyone a piece of her mind about the situation. (DD is 14, "CIS" and a transgender/gay activist... don't ask why, just is).

I hope that OP's DD went back to school today to face them down with a "I have nothing to be ashamed of" attitude. Better to get it over with, too.

I went to a school in the early 1980s where lots of girls were gay. If anything, the gay girls were the coolest girls to be friends with. So sorry that these kids turn out to be such turds about it.

FlyingScotsman · 29/04/2016 20:27

Seen that you are not in the UK and that yoou are saying it's more 'conservative', then is the reaction very 'cultural' ie a girl saying to another girl that she is attracted to her is the worst of insult ever?
How long have you been in that country?