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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

DD attracted to girl in her friendship group - ostracised

33 replies

ChocolateJam · 28/04/2016 19:03

DD(13) told a girl in her friendship group that she likes her. The girl reacted in horror and called her a pervert. The rest of the group has now pushed DD out and everybody has deleted her number from their phones. I think this will blow over but for now it is of course a major crisis. She doesn't want to go to school tomorrow and face them. Our usual rule is that unless you're very sick or injured, when it's a school day you go to school. However tomorrow they probably won't do a great deal at school, she fell and hurt her wrist and leg, and the friend thing means she will have to hide in the bathrooms at break (according to her). Should I let her stay home? What other advice can I give her?

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lljkk · 03/05/2016 18:04

Total mix of good & bad there. :(
Tell her to keep holding head high. She's done nothing wrong.

ChocolateJam · 03/05/2016 15:58

So she got a text full of profanities from one of them last night telling her to stay away from them and she sent a text with profanities of her own back to say she will do exactly that. We talked about rising above the situation and not burning bridges. She went to school happily enough today and didn't see any of these girls. A girl she goes to Guides with invited DD to join her friends at break, which she did.

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lljkk · 02/05/2016 20:35

I don't know if DD's just in a really nice group. This wouldn't be a shocking horrible thing to say or hear. Nobody would take it as a threat. The standard "I don't like you like that, only like you as a friend" reply would be produced if the asker was gay and the receiver was straight. & the kids in her group would even still be flattered by a same sex offer, even though they aren't gay.

Just showed the OP to DD, who couldn't stop exclaiming "That's horrible!" and wants a plane ticket to SA to sort them all out.

(I am not supposed to suggest that OP's DD slaps her "friends".)
DD thinks take the matter to the school staff, but very hard when socially isolated to really make change happen. :(

UsernamePending · 02/05/2016 19:46

Unfortunately your DD should have known that you just can't do that in schools unless you know the other person is gay too... Just tell her that in a few weeks everyone will have forgotten and moved onto someone else. There's nothing else you can do, and there's no way you can hide from it

ChocolateJam · 02/05/2016 13:55

Yes lljkk, no communication at all over the weekend as far as I know. If they had really deleted her number off their phones they wouldn't be able to contact her anyway. I assume the subject might have been hotly discussed amongst themselves. Poor DD.

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lljkk · 01/05/2016 20:14

In DD's social circle this would be quite a talking point & many texts/instagram msgs would be flying around about the situation. Have they completely shut her out, is it all radio silence? :(

ChocolateJam · 30/04/2016 19:40

Thanks for all the input, I appreciate it. We allowed her to stay home on Friday. Monday is a public holiday here so she will have to face up to them on Tuesday. Best case scenario is that feelings have dampened down over the weekend and the friendships can be rekindled. If that doesn't happen I will speak to the school counselor.

FlyingScotsman, we're South African. Our constitution guarantees equality for people of all races, cultures, sexual orientations, religions, you name it. In practice we're some way away from having this as reality. I guess most of these 13 year olds would, if asked, tell you they're cool with homosexuality, except for the religious objectors. However being faced with it for the first time in your life must be a shock and not that easy to handle.

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corythatwas · 30/04/2016 11:02

Partly what FlyingScotsman said; could well be cultural. Which would make things difficult as she might not have the same redress against any homophobia that might be going on.

Also, as your dd develops as a sexual being, she needs to be aware that once you declare sexual attraction to anyone, you change the dynamics of their relationship with you. It's not necessarily about homophobia: very few people will carry on being close non-sexual friends with someone they know has sexual feelings for them.

If she had been a straight girl declaring her love for a boy who was not interested, it is unlikely that she would have been invited to stay part of his close friendship circle. If a boy had declared feelings for one of the girls in the group who wasn't interested, they might well have kept him at arms length for a long time after.

It is a risk we all take when we fall in love. But of course particularly difficult for your dd as her friendship group is likely to coincide with her objects of attraction.

Lots of sympathy, no solutions, I'm afraid.

FlyingScotsman · 29/04/2016 20:27

Seen that you are not in the UK and that yoou are saying it's more 'conservative', then is the reaction very 'cultural' ie a girl saying to another girl that she is attracted to her is the worst of insult ever?
How long have you been in that country?

lljkk · 29/04/2016 20:18

(MN flaked out on me last night or would have posted then)

How awful :(. If OP was DD's friend DD would be muscling in to stand up for her & running around to give everyone a piece of her mind about the situation. (DD is 14, "CIS" and a transgender/gay activist... don't ask why, just is).

I hope that OP's DD went back to school today to face them down with a "I have nothing to be ashamed of" attitude. Better to get it over with, too.

I went to a school in the early 1980s where lots of girls were gay. If anything, the gay girls were the coolest girls to be friends with. So sorry that these kids turn out to be such turds about it.

KindDogsTail · 28/04/2016 20:49

I feel so sorry for her but feel that the although other's girl's reaction was very upsetting, and the other friends' ganging up is hysterical and unpleasant and wrong, they are all very young and it is not bullying in purpose.

This is a very delicate position for your daughter to be in. You said you are abroad. I wonder of there is any support you could look to where you are?

ChocolateJam · 28/04/2016 19:55

DD currently has no other friends to hang out with. She finds it hards to make friends as she is a bit... eccentric. Different from a typical 13 year old girl. I would have actually expected her to make friends with boys but that hasn't happened either. She started high school this year and I really hoped that she will find a kindred spirit or two in a larger school. Hopefully that will still happen.

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juliascurr · 28/04/2016 19:38

www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents

homophobic bullying should be dealt with by the school

MissMillament · 28/04/2016 19:31

I think going in would be the right thing to do if she can face it. Tell her to keep her head high and know that it she is not at fault. Are there any other friends she can hang out with other than these girls?. Can you email her form tutor or equivalent and explain there are friendship issues and to keep an eye out for her. As a teacher, I find it very helpful to know about issues like this so I can provide discreet support if necessary.

VagueIdeas · 28/04/2016 19:29

However also let her know its fine to have feelings for either sex but it takes a little maturity to know when to raise such topics

This, for sure.

They're only 13, so I wouldn't have expected a mature and considerate response, I'm afraid. And there's a difference between saying "I fancy girls" (which may have elicited a supportive kind of response) and "I fancy YOU", which is a risky statement to make and would invariably cause some major friendship issues.

But hindsight is a wonderful thing. Hope things smooth out soon.

Hamsolo · 28/04/2016 19:27

That's sad for your dd but I have some sympathy for the other girl too. Unwanted advances are really hard to deal with at that age, and it's understandable if she feels very weird about your dds approach. She would probably feel similarly if a male friend did the same where the feelings weren't returned. I wouldn't call her reaction bullying.

The actions of the wider group ganging up on her are though. I don't know how you'd make it better without potentially making it worse. The school might be best placed to advise?

I think you do also need to talk to your dd about appropriate times and ways to share romantic feelings too.

PresidentCJCregg · 28/04/2016 19:26

She 'really really needs to back track'??

ChocolateJam · 28/04/2016 19:25

Physically attracted.

DD has had "boyfriends" before, this is the first time she is attracted to a girl so there has never been a need to look for LGBT resources before. I doubt there is anything at the school - we're not in the UK and I think a bit more conservative. I will see how things develop next week and approach the school counselors if the situation warrants it. Still not sure what to do about school tomorrow. I feel strongly that DD doesn't have to apologise for what she said but should reflect on the way she said it, and learn from that.

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Lovepancakes · 28/04/2016 19:24

Yes missmillament has it better than me, sounds a very good idea to raise it with the pastoral team school .

Sadik · 28/04/2016 19:23

I agree with MissMillament - why on earth should your dd have to backtrack. What her 'friends' are doing is homophobic bullying. You / she may or may not want to take it up with school, obviously that should be her choice, but she really shouldn't have to deny her feelings or who she is :(

Lovepancakes · 28/04/2016 19:23

Your poor daughter. I don't know how you can help her when her friends are being so horrid unless you are friends with any of their parents who you could explain how upset she is so they could have a word about why they have rejected her like this. It makes me so sad for her as i'd sometimes hate to be that age again

KindDogsTail · 28/04/2016 19:20

DId she actually mean she was physically attracted when she said she liked her?

Or, did she mean she liked her in that she wanted to be friends with her, or that she admired her?

MissMillament · 28/04/2016 19:19

There is no way your daughter should feel obliged to backtrack or minimise. Her 'friends' bullying behaviour is the issue here and it needs to be dealt with by the pastoral team - homophobic bullying is taken seriously in most schools now (and should be in all). Does the school have an LGBT club or other safe space? She needs to be clear that there is absolutely nothing with what she did and that she is entitled to the same protection from bullying as any other pupi.

Spandexpants007 · 28/04/2016 19:17

Stupid response from the girl. She should have been more considerate if she's a good friend

ChocolateJam · 28/04/2016 19:16

It wasn't a joke, it seems she is really attracted to this girl.

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