DD attracted to girl in her friendship group - ostracised

[ChocolateJam]

DD(13) told a girl in her friendship group that she likes her. The girl reacted in horror and called her a pervert. The rest of the group has now pushed DD out and everybody has deleted her number from their phones. I think this will blow over but for now it is of course a major crisis. She doesn't want to go to school tomorrow and face them. Our usual rule is that unless you're very sick or injured, when it's a school day you go to school. However tomorrow they probably won't do a great deal at school, she fell and hurt her wrist and leg, and the friend thing means she will have to hide in the bathrooms at break (according to her). Should I let her stay home? What other advice can I give her?

[corythatwas]

Partly what FlyingScotsman said; could well be cultural. Which would make things difficult as she might not have the same redress against any homophobia that might be going on.

Also, as your dd develops as a sexual being, she needs to be aware that once you declare sexual attraction to anyone, you change the dynamics of their relationship with you. It's not necessarily about homophobia: very few people will carry on being close non-sexual friends with someone they know has sexual feelings for them.

If she had been a straight girl declaring her love for a boy who was not interested, it is unlikely that she would have been invited to stay part of his close friendship circle. If a boy had declared feelings for one of the girls in the group who wasn't interested, they might well have kept him at arms length for a long time after.

It is a risk we all take when we fall in love. But of course particularly difficult for your dd as her friendship group is likely to coincide with her objects of attraction.

Lots of sympathy, no solutions, I'm afraid.

[ChocolateJam]

Thanks for all the input, I appreciate it. We allowed her to stay home on Friday. Monday is a public holiday here so she will have to face up to them on Tuesday. Best case scenario is that feelings have dampened down over the weekend and the friendships can be rekindled. If that doesn't happen I will speak to the school counselor.

FlyingScotsman, we're South African. Our constitution guarantees equality for people of all races, cultures, sexual orientations, religions, you name it. In practice we're some way away from having this as reality. I guess most of these 13 year olds would, if asked, tell you they're cool with homosexuality, except for the religious objectors. However being faced with it for the first time in your life must be a shock and not that easy to handle.

[lljkk]

In DD's social circle this would be quite a talking point & many texts/instagram msgs would be flying around about the situation. Have they completely shut her out, is it all radio silence? :(

[ChocolateJam]

Yes lljkk, no communication at all over the weekend as far as I know. If they had really deleted her number off their phones they wouldn't be able to contact her anyway. I assume the subject might have been hotly discussed amongst themselves. Poor DD.

[UsernamePending]

Unfortunately your DD should have known that you just can't do that in schools unless you know the other person is gay too... Just tell her that in a few weeks everyone will have forgotten and moved onto someone else. There's nothing else you can do, and there's no way you can hide from it

[lljkk]

I don't know if DD's just in a really nice group. This wouldn't be a shocking horrible thing to say or hear. Nobody would take it as a threat. The standard "I don't like you like that, only like you as a friend" reply would be produced if the asker was gay and the receiver was straight. & the kids in her group would even still be flattered by a same sex offer, even though they aren't gay.

Just showed the OP to DD, who couldn't stop exclaiming "That's horrible!" and wants a plane ticket to SA to sort them all out.

(I am not supposed to suggest that OP's DD slaps her "friends".)
DD thinks take the matter to the school staff, but very hard when socially isolated to really make change happen. :(

[ChocolateJam]

So she got a text full of profanities from one of them last night telling her to stay away from them and she sent a text with profanities of her own back to say she will do exactly that. We talked about rising above the situation and not burning bridges. She went to school happily enough today and didn't see any of these girls. A girl she goes to Guides with invited DD to join her friends at break, which she did.

[lljkk]

Total mix of good & bad there. :(
Tell her to keep holding head high. She's done nothing wrong.