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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Sons girlfriend staying over?

34 replies

onebusymum · 09/03/2016 19:04

My 16 year old son has asked if his girlfriend who is 17 can stay over. He has stayed at hers.
I dont know if I am old fashioned but I dont feel comfortable with them sharing a bed in my house.
I know that they will have sex wherever, but I juat dont know if I am ready for this next stage of her sleeping over.
What has everyone else done?

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 09/03/2016 19:05

Watching with interest as DD will be reaching that stage soon. She is nearly 16, but in a serious relationship.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 09/03/2016 19:10

My house my rules especially with BF staying over.

Dd1 (19) at the time was with her BF for nine months before she asked if he could stay over and I said no way.

I said no because

relationships at that age don't last forever and I felt that if I said yes to him it would open the gates to other BF
no way would I have felt comfortable knowing my daughter (who I still think is about ten!) having sex in the room next to me

Chocolatteaddict1 · 09/03/2016 19:12

Also I want this house to be a safe place for dd to escape to. If she is having problems with her BF then at least I know when she is here she is having a bit of peace and not being silently harassed up stairs

leonardthelemming · 09/03/2016 19:17

Why don't you feel comfortable busymum? I'm curious because neither my wife nor I felt this way when our son's girlfriend (16 but looked 18) stayed over. She seemed a bit nervous of us though, as if she thought we wouldn't approve - apparently they had to be a bit sneaky when he stayed at hers. This was a while ago too - he's 35 now, which makes me old!

To me it seems normal and I would far rather they were safe and comfortable. Better for their relationship too, than behind a bus shelter. And they can wake up together without being stressed out. Good that he's asked you, too.

Sprongpicnic · 09/03/2016 19:21

If you don't feel comfortable that's reason enough. If you allow it once you won't be able to change your mind later. Your house etc.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 09/03/2016 19:21

leonard what has looking older got to do with anything?

I think at 16 there are more important priorities than waking up nice and relaxed in your BF/gf bed. And also no all teenagers are having a quick bunk up in a bus shelter/toilets ect...

The fact he felt sneaky shows he felt he was doing something wrong...?

Myhairisturninggrey · 09/03/2016 19:26

This is going to crop up again in my house soon I think. Dd I'm sure is going to ask for her bf to stay over before too long. They've only been official for about a month but regardless of this I am not at all comfortable with the thought of them sharing a bed in my house. Chocolate I also think she's about 10, but she's almost 17. However, I don't think she will accept or respect my decision without a fight.

Original poster

onebusymum · 09/03/2016 19:32

I think its me, maybe im not ready for that stage in his life yet. He has stayed at night at hers and that was hard enough to let him do that.
Also I have another son who is 14 and a 6 year old daughter too, if is already my rules that if they are up in his room (which I have allowed) that they come down when she goes to bed.

OP posts:

leonardthelemming · 09/03/2016 19:54

Interesting points Chocolate. Threads like this crop up on here from time to time, and the responses tend to fall into two camps:

Not under my roof/my house, my rules/I wasn't even allowed when I was married and I respect that

It's their house too/I would rather know they're safe/I wasn't allowed and resented it

I think it's clear that we are in opposite camps.

I was trying to ask the OP why she isn't comfortable. (We've already established that she isn't, and clearly she's not alone in feeling this way.) On the other hand, there are plenty of people who don't have a problem with it - it never even occurred to me at the time that it was anything other than normal.

And as regards the being sneaky, that's probably why they preferred to stay at ours - so they wouldn't have to be.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 09/03/2016 21:25

leonard would you have been so casual about if it was your 16 year old dd? Then not batting an eye the next month when she had a new BF and so on?

I'd be intrested to see if fathers feel differently to their sons having sex at this age in their homes thsn they would if it was their daughters.

I can honestly say it would be a cold day in hell when Dh would let a young man creep about in to dds bedroom

Runner05 · 09/03/2016 21:50

As long as it's an established relationship (not just a couple of weeks) then I would allow it.

They're teenagers, they're full of hormones and they will get up to stuff with or without your consent.

My view is that if they are going to get up to stuff I'd rather it was in a safe environment and on DCs turf. Plus, i feel it encourages DCs to be open about their relationships and feel more comfortable speaking to their parents if anything in their relationship is going wrong because they haven't been thought to hide it from them or sneak around.

Peaceandl0ve · 09/03/2016 21:52

Many of us, well me at least, were brought up to think of sex a secret and somehow wrong. However, it is normal and should be enjoyed, they are nearly adults,bas long as they take precautions, there is no great age difference it could be worse. I am in the same position as the OP but i am the mother of the 17 year old girl sex is not taboo in ourvhouse and this relationship is her first sexual one, the boy is sweet enough and i am sure it wont last but but is all quite natural.

squeak10 · 09/03/2016 23:41

Mmm, difficult one. My ds has a few girl's stay over, he knows the rules, him or her in spare room etc. However, they have on occasion fell asleep in the same bed watching a movie. I feel responsible for the girl as her parents have trusted me to look after her and no way would I, my dh or ds (really) let them down.

possum18 · 09/03/2016 23:49

My sister and I were never allowed boyfriends to stay over at our family home as a mark of respect to my parents. It was never an issue and we never had any problems with it, boyfriends would stay until whatever time we wanted anyway just not sleep over.
My dad was a little old school but we respected him.
I guess from a parental point of view it's worth asking yourself what they could possibly do asleep that's worse than what they are doing to each other whilst awake?

Wardrobedoors · 10/03/2016 08:21

I can see both sides of the argument on this. My first reaction is definitely no, dd's bf is not staying over in her bed as I'm not comfortable with it but then I'm asking myself is that a valid reason, just because I don't like it?
It would never have been allowed when I was that age but things are so different now. For now I am saying no but I'm thinking about it.

Original poster

onebusymum · 10/03/2016 12:01

Ive Said no for now, as ive only really met her to talk to properly once, as ds usually whisks her away upstairs. Said once I get to know her better then she can stay

OP posts:

ParochialE9 · 10/03/2016 13:50

Your house so it's your rules but personally I have no problem with DDs boyfriend staying over - they're both 17. Sex is normal and natural and they are well over the age of consent. DH also fine with it, (we also have DSs 21 and 19 and husbands attitude has been exactly the same with all 3). DD does always check it's ok for bf to stay on each occasion. She can't stay at his though as his grandma lives with his family at the moment and his mum says she would hit the roof - she is in her 80s though! Oh and I've never overheard any noisy teenage sex, that's far more likely to happen when you've popped out to Sainsburys during the day and they've got the house to themselves!

ParochialE9 · 10/03/2016 13:59

I had a long term boyfriend between ages 17 and 19 and my parents wouldn't allow him to stay over, I don't think i would have dreamed of even asking! We used to wait for them to go to bed and then have sex on the dining room floor!

rogueantimatter · 10/03/2016 14:29

Does she live within easy travelling distance of you? I let my 17 YO DD and her 17YO BF stay over as I didn't have any objections in principle and they lived in different towns. I'm not sure if I would have allowed at an early stage of their relationship if the homes were closer. Not during the week either.

I tried to discourage him spending the whole weekend at ours to preserve family time. I'd offer a lift back to his on sundays as soon as he'd got breakfast.

At your DS and his GF's age I wouldn't assume the relationship will be short-lived. At that age relationships usually seem to last more than a year. By which time they're often leaving to uni. So a 'stream' of gf's doesn't seem likely IMO.

If you don't allow her to stay over at yours is your DS likely to spend more and more time at her house?

heron98 · 10/03/2016 15:09

I don't see the issue.

They are both above the age of consent and growing up.

PatMullins · 10/03/2016 15:18

My mum was in the "not under my roof" camp. I ended up doing it anyway just elsewhere.

leonardthelemming · 11/03/2016 14:30

leonard would you have been so casual about if it was your 16 year old dd? Then not batting an eye the next month when she had a new BF and so on?

Hmmm... Hard to say, as I have two sons and no daughters. But I did spend my whole working life with teenage girls and, although I never discussed this sort of thing with any of them while they were still at school, I did receive an interesting comment from a 20-year-old former student of mine, when she was proof-reading a book I wrote. I had invented some strict parents who wouldn't allow exactly this. (Boy, 17; girl, 16.) Her comment:

"Nobody would be that strict with 17-year-olds."

I changed it to grandparents...

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 11/03/2016 15:02

I would say yes. If they are allowed to stay over at the girls house then you know the girls parents are ok with it.And you pretty much know they are having sex-I fall into the camp that it's safer to have them under your roof than messing about in woods and cars and what not.
Also your being open about it will encourage them to be able to talk to you should they need to.Saying no and disapproving of them doing something you know they are doing anyway would just seem to put a wedge between you and them. It would surely make the necessary conversations about being safe and respecting yourself and your sexual partners much more difficult if you were coming from a place of disapproval.I know it's hard to thing of your dc's as sexual beings but that's what they start to be at that age and you may as well get used to it tbh.
My mum was draconian about this.as a result I never talked to her about any of it, either sex or relationships.Ended up having to take myself to the hospital for a termination when it all went awry-could so have done with some understanding and support but didn't feel she would do anything other than go ballistic (which I was correct about as that's what she did when she did find out!)

Chocolatteaddict1 · 11/03/2016 15:12

Nobody would be that strict with 17-year-olds - going off this thread obviously they do.

like I said unthread my main reason is to create and maintain a safe place for my daughter. My best friend at 16 had an sbusive BF and he would often stay at her house to keep an eye on her, she literatly had no excuse if she needed a break from him.

I had a baby at 16 so sex was never taboo in this house as I never wanted dd1 to do the same.

leonardthelemming · 11/03/2016 16:12

Nobody would be that strict with 17-year-olds - going off this thread obviously they do.

Obviously you're right - I make it three who would say no compared with seven who would say yes, with a further three on the fence. (But I might have miscounted.)

But I think we can infer from the young woman's comment that in her experience as a teenager, her own parents and those of her friends were all OK with it.

I do think you make a good point about maintaining a safe haven, and abusive relationships are, sadly, not uncommon. Not all relationships are like that, however, and - as another PP pointed out - at that age many young people are in a committed, long-term relationship where they treat each other with respect. Sex is just a part of that, and quite possibly a less important part than the actual sleeping together. Why frustrate that?

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