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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Random teenagers sleeping in my sitting room

145 replies

SiwanGwynt · 30/01/2016 11:40

Dh came downstairs this morning to find a teenager asleep on our sofa. He was furious.

DS (18) had gone to a party, told me that he would not be home. Turns out he did, with his girlfriend and another girl. They came in at 4am, we did not hear them.

DH (DS is his stepson) is livid and talking about how awful it is to have strangers in the house. This is the second time it has happened this month, and he does not want it happening again. Shouted and woke them all up. Still took her 3 hours to get her stuff together and go home.

I am less bothered. It was a girl, I have met her (last time she stayed over and we found her on the sofa) and I would rather have known. I think this is pretty much par for the course for having teenagers. He is cross with me for not being as cross as he is.

What do others think? I am being too laid back?

OP posts:
Original poster
SiwanGwynt · 30/01/2016 16:17

I was asleep when this was going on, it was 8am. First I heard was DH coming in and having a go at me. He went out, and when I came down at 10, she was in DS's room and DS was playing on the Xbox downstairs.

I did not see her. Apart from a car pulling up outside at 11am and the two girls ran out to it. I was in the kitchen, they did not say anything to me.

I have asked DS why she needed to stay here again, and he said she had no where else to go. He does not know what her parents thought. I said that she really needs to sort out with her parents how she will get home when she is out late. DS also thinks DH is being unreasonable.

In answer to the various comments on DH inviting people round and asking DS. DH never invites anyone round, I am the one to do that. I will always tell the kids so they know who is going to be in the house. As I said DH is very private. The kids and I are quite sociable, so they do struggle to understand.

OP posts:
Roussette · 30/01/2016 16:23

Maybe her parents couldn't come and pick them up until whatever time, so she had to wait 3 hours. I'm sure she was desperate to leave if she'd had a bloke in a dressing gown shouting at her!

The girl probably couldn't get home and it's normal for your son not to know anything, 18 year olds don't plan in advance much! As long as it isn't all the time, really it doesn't matter, do you want to be known as the house where friends of your DS can't stay? It was never totally open house here but I just went with the flow and it wasn't unusual to come downstairs and find bodies in the lounge. I would draw back the curtains with a chirpy "Morning!", make a pot of tea and chivvy them along to leave when they could.

My DH is also a private man but also realised that that sort of thing went with the teen territory. It was like Picadilly Circus here at times.

BertrandRussell · 30/01/2016 16:36

"did not see her. Apart from a car pulling up outside at 11am and the two girls ran out to it. I was in the kitchen, they did not say anything to me."

I'm not bloody surprised!

Floggingmolly · 30/01/2016 17:09

If your DH values his privacy so highly; why was he bursting into your ds's private sitting room unannounced? If he'd kept his nose out he'd have been none the wiser who was in there.

janethegirl2 · 30/01/2016 17:13

Wouldn't bother me either.

Ragwort · 30/01/2016 17:13

Actually I think it sounds rude of (both) the girls to run out of the house without having the courtesy to say thank you and goodbye to you. And why is your DS playing on his Xbox and leaving the two girls alone upstairs? I am clearly as unsociable as your DH - I do think the behaviour sounds rude. I've stayed overnight as a teenager, but I would always thank my hosts.

ImperialBlether · 30/01/2016 17:17

I think in normal households, most people prefer to know who is in the house. Nobody wants to be wandering out to the loo in the middle of the night to find a stranger there. However when you've got teenagers, you have to accept they'll have friends round and that occasionally someone will stay the night. You would want someone to put up your son in an emergency and so you have to do likewise.

The problem is that you husband doesn't like anyone being there. Some of this has rubbed off on you, OP - you say you make sure everyone knows if someone is visiting you and your husband. Why? I wouldn't feel the need to tell my teenage children that someone was visiting - or, I would tell them in passing, but not as a warning. It seems very strange that the whole household goes onto "Intruder alert" when even your own mum is visiting.

Do you like living like that?

ImperialBlether · 30/01/2016 17:18

They were hardly hosts. The husband woke up the girl with a scream.

BertrandRussell · 30/01/2016 17:23

I reckon if most 17 year olds had been woken up by being shouted at for no reason by their friend's dad they would scarper without saying thank you........

AgentProvocateur · 30/01/2016 17:24

Your husband sounds like a controlling grouch. Are you happy that your DC only feel comfortable asking friends round when he's away for the weekend? It doesn't sound like they're comfotable with him. Has he lived with you for a long time?

As others have said, I know my DC would never leave someone to get home from a party at 4am alone, and nor would I expect them to. Your DH is being massively unreasonable.

DixieNormas · 30/01/2016 17:29

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Out2pasture · 30/01/2016 17:30

my husband and I chose a different approach. We wanted our teens to come home each night ( I really worried about them). So we always had the slow cooker on during those evenings. I would get up to assess the situation and encourage settling for the night. I think your son did the right thing and your hubby needed to get breakfast organized. It could have been a great bonding moment with his son and an opportunity to meet his friends.

Scarydinosaurs · 30/01/2016 17:37

You sound like a lovely mum- I was part of a big family and my friends always crashed at mine if they ended up without an easy way home- it isn't always wise to get in a taxi by yourself/unless you book them you can't always get taxis late at night.

It's a shame your husband adds this stress to your life and takes away something you find enjoyable.

JackandDiane · 30/01/2016 17:43

your h sounds well weird about your mother
LOOPY

Roussette · 30/01/2016 17:51

Just out of interest Dixie, why? I'm just curious...

I know we are all different and I know it depends where people live etc. For me, it just would not have been possible sometimes for teens to get home because of where we live, so it just went over my head.

However, one of my DC would always push the boundaries so there were some rules in that we weren't just some doss house! But when push comes to shove, all the DCs could have friends to kip over without notice on the odd occasion, if a party locally went on, or if suddenly parents couldn't do a pick up, any number of reasons.

A 17yr old could or would feel massively awkward being shouted at and I'm sure that's why she just went.

ImperialBlether · 30/01/2016 17:53

Dixie, a lot depends on whether your teenage child has friends who don't live within walking distance. If they go to a school with a large catchment area then it's likely their friends will live several miles apart. It also depends on finances - if the 'guest' doesn't have access to much money then taxis aren't a consideration. And then it depends on how sociable your child is and how they feel about their own home. Some wouldn't want anyone staying whereas others have a "the more the merrier" approach.

ImperialBlether · 30/01/2016 17:55

These 'random teens' are just the same as your own child. They're your child's friends.

DixieNormas · 30/01/2016 18:04

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Roussette · 30/01/2016 18:07

I can understand the younger DC, if there was a big gap, that wasn't a great problem for us.

I just wanted the DCs to know their friends were welcome without taking the piss which one DC tried to do but I soon put a stop to that!

I'm a very light sleeper and could never ever get to proper sleep until they were in so I always knew about it and didn't wake up to anyone I wasn't expecting!

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 30/01/2016 18:09

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BertrandRussell · 30/01/2016 18:10

"I have much younger children in the house for a start"

Why is this an issue? They are your older child's friends, not child eating tigers.

DixieNormas · 30/01/2016 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 30/01/2016 18:12

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Kbear · 30/01/2016 18:14

My parents were always cool about me coming home with a bunch of friends after parties, they usually all crashed on my bedroom floor but sometimes the boys would sleep in the living room if there were a few of us. I look back and think despite my dad's outward grumpiness he was cool to my friends and mum went as far as bringing us all a fry up in bed!

I extend the same welcome to my teenagers' friends and I would certainly rather everyone was safe and sound.

BertrandRussell · 30/01/2016 18:14

So your 4 year old decides whether or not his older siblings can have fri DNS over?