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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Random teenagers sleeping in my sitting room

145 replies

SiwanGwynt · 30/01/2016 11:40

Dh came downstairs this morning to find a teenager asleep on our sofa. He was furious.

DS (18) had gone to a party, told me that he would not be home. Turns out he did, with his girlfriend and another girl. They came in at 4am, we did not hear them.

DH (DS is his stepson) is livid and talking about how awful it is to have strangers in the house. This is the second time it has happened this month, and he does not want it happening again. Shouted and woke them all up. Still took her 3 hours to get her stuff together and go home.

I am less bothered. It was a girl, I have met her (last time she stayed over and we found her on the sofa) and I would rather have known. I think this is pretty much par for the course for having teenagers. He is cross with me for not being as cross as he is.

What do others think? I am being too laid back?

OP posts:
Friendlystories · 30/01/2016 12:29

Oh god your DH would never have survived our house when me and DB were teenagers! My DM could find anything up to 10 people scattered round her living room on a Sat/Sun morning Blush She and my step dad were remarkably tolerant, think they were just glad we were safe and where they could see us. I think DM in particular quite liked it, she speaks fondly of that period in our lives now and our friends were a nice bunch. I would be proud that DS made sure his friend was safe, your DH overreacted imo.

LovelyFriend · 30/01/2016 12:32

do you trust your DS?
has he ever had someone over who has stolen from you or been rude?

I agree it is his home too and it is nice he and his friends look out for each other. I did this a lot in my friendship group as teenagers - it's called taking care of each other.

Does you DH think that your DS should have left the girl out on her own?

Original poster
SiwanGwynt · 30/01/2016 12:47

My Dh thinks that she should have made arrangements to get home.

Thanks for all your comments.

I really do not mind, my view is that I would rather the kids looked after their friends. We have a big house, the kids have their own sitting room, so she was not really in the way. I think DH walking in there at 8am in his dressing gown scared them both.

He is very much a home bird and values his privacy, so never really likes having anyone in the house (even my mother). Does not like the idea that the kids view the house as a doss house. The general rule is that they can have friends round if they ask first. So I do get why he gets upset and cross. I did think that my reaction as a mother of teens was not far away from how others would react.

I would rather DS had woken me up, I could have given her some bedding and warned DH in the morning. He would still have been cross, but less so.

If Dh is ever away at the weekend, my kids will immediately ask to have their mates round. I end up with a house full, I like it.

OP posts:
FoxesSitOnBoxes · 30/01/2016 12:55

I think it's a sign of your good relationship with your son that he would say to a friend "hey, my mum's cool- come and stay at mine, she won't mind". I'd rather be the mum with a house full of teenagers than the mum who never sees them because they'd rather be at someone else's house

LovelyFriend · 30/01/2016 13:00

maybe they view it as their home rather than a doss house?
Doss house is his negative slant on it

Diamogs · 30/01/2016 13:01

Your DS is responsible and caring and wanted his friend to be safe for the night - how can that be anything but a good thing?

A text to say that there was an extra in the house would have been courteous so that you would have seen it on your phone when you woke up.

SirChenjin · 30/01/2016 13:03

If he thinks they see it as a doss house - does that mean it happens on a regular basis?

There's no right or wrong here, but there is a middle ground I think.

NerrSnerr · 30/01/2016 13:06

I would never consider it to be a problem for a child to bring a friend back. Can't comprehend why he'd be mad.

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 30/01/2016 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissFlight · 30/01/2016 13:09

This never bothered me when mine were that age. Your ds should be praised for acting responsibly and ensuring the girl was not left to get home alone.

DolorestheNewt · 30/01/2016 13:33

He is very much a home bird and values his privacy, so never really likes having anyone in the house (even my mother)

And there we have it. I can have a very pronounced hermit side if caught unawares. However, I recognise that my desire for privacy is borderline obsessional, and out of balance with the needs of other normal peoplem who want to socialise with family and friends and be hospitable people who live in the house. I don't really like DH's sister coming round, but I recognise that it's my problem and I'm not being reasonable.

Roussette · 30/01/2016 13:36

Good grief what's the problem, your DH sounds extremely uptight.

Now if my DCs continually did this with no respect for us, I would get a bit fed up, but it is totally normal with teens surely.

OP you say this happens when your DH isn't there and you like it so obviously you know your DH is being unreasonable.

FadedRed · 30/01/2016 13:46

When DC's were teens, we would often get up in the mornings to find living room or dining room ( or both) resembling a refugee camp. Usually the boys downstairs and girls on the floor in DD's room. Not a problem IMO. Far rather the young people were safe and felt they were welcome.

Wombat87 · 30/01/2016 14:07

I did this. One of the boys got locked out of his mates house and I lived around the corner. He slept in my bed and I slept on the couch. Scrawled a drunken note and stuck it to the living room door telling my dad "don't be cross but blah blah was locked out of blah blahs and can't get home so he's upstairs and I'm downstairs blah blah blah" . He could have slept in his car but it was winter. My dad wasn't that thrilled by this. My mum on the other hand said that if it was me who had been locked out of somewhere she'd be grateful for someone taking me in.

I think I only got passed dad on this one because I slept downstairs... So he wasn't confronted with a person he didn't know.

Ragwort · 30/01/2016 14:14

I would expect at least a note on the kitchen table or similar, and why did she take three hours to go home? Where was DS and the other friend during all this?

As others have said, there is a middle ground between being taken for granted as providing youth hostel facilities and completely losing your rag. If this is the second time in a month that this has happened (involving the same girl) I can see your DH's point of view.

Sgtmajormummy · 30/01/2016 14:27

I'd have been "sleeping lightly" until they got home anywayWink, so I think a whispered warning about the extra person in the house would have been polite.
I wouldn't have turned her away or called a taxi, just have wanted to offer some bedding like you OP.

girlinacoma · 30/01/2016 15:14

Well they were obviously quiet and respectful of your home as neither of you woke up.

Your DS should be praised on his maturity, thoughtfulness and respect for others and not throwing up in the umbrella stand.

Wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest. I like my DC's friends and enjoy their company (in smallish doses).

If they have been out drinking then I'd be making sure they'd eaten some breakfast before heading home.

Haffdonga · 30/01/2016 15:27

Teenagers on the sofa - not a problem here but I do ask for a warning text or note to avoid walking in on strangers in my nightie in the morning.

(Your dh sounds a bit knobbish.)

AtiaoftheJulii · 30/01/2016 15:32

My teens would have texted to keep me updated on whether or not they were coming home, and who was coming with them, and then when they got in. I might not have read any of these texts till the next morning, but I do get the running commentary, lol. But tbh I wouldn't have been bothered to have been surprised. I like my kids' friends.

Although I can definitely see that having had it made clear she wasn't welcome, taking 3 hours to get ready and go must have driven your dh mad.

Haffdonga · 30/01/2016 15:38

I guess 3 hours was a mild exaggeration to suggest she didn't get a move on once yelled at, no?

But now you explain your teens have their own sitting room it seems even more unreasonable of your dh to feel the need to kick them out.

Does your dh ever invite friends over without checking with your son first?

AtiaoftheJulii · 30/01/2016 15:42

Oh, I missed the own sitting room! Even more unreasonable of your dh. Why was he going in there anyway then?

BertrandRussell · 30/01/2016 15:47

He sounds utterly horrible.

Floggingmolly · 30/01/2016 15:50

Own sitting room?? So the friend wasn't actually putting a family room out of action by slobbing about half dressed for 3 hours... You are being extremely unreasonable, op Shock
What in earth is your problem with this?

Cutleryhands · 30/01/2016 15:56

Personally I prefer the idea of my kids not being afraid to come home instead of wandering around or staying at some random house party.
I would get on with my day as normal though regardless of sofa person. Offer tea to get them up and out :-)

SenecaFalls · 30/01/2016 15:59

This used to happen in our house on a regular basis when our children were older teens. But there was a sofa in DS's bedroom and also a guest room so they were rarely in our living room. DH would usually cook them all breakfast before sending them on their way. I think your DH was being a bit unkind.

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