Reported for abuse by 17 year old daughter UPDATE

[marieisme123]

Hi. Update on previous thread. Social services were contacted by my daughter. Social worker went to see her at her nan's yesterday. Had phone call from her dad and the social worker. D is adamant she won't come home or even allow ss to mediate. They have offered her accommodation in a family home - whatever that is. Prob. take weeks to sort out while she stays with her nan. I am livid atm - feels like a massive kick in the teeth. Still, it's out of my hands now - let them see if they can help her as I so obviously failed. Tbh I'm thinking about moving way now and breaking all contact

I am going to try to be gentle because I think you are in an extremely emotional place.

The financial side is not your DD fault..You are not having to support her.. Your plan should of been independent by the time she was old enough to leave school. You may well be entitled to some benefits still Apply for HB..

The next thing is emotionally it sounds like you have been through a nightmare and largely unsupported.. I think the space will give you time to figure out how to move forward..Do not make any rational decisions..Give your time to digest calm down and figure out what is best for the 2 of you.

You may find that things are much better between you with that distance..

My main point is don't do anything rash.

how are you feeling about all of this op ?

I feel hurt, betrayed, and wish I could put it all right but I can't. D wants me out of her life and I have to accept that. How do I accept that?

very very hard.

But, write her a text, an email, a letter, put on Facebook for all to see, all if them, and get your ex DH to give one , that say this:

Whatever you may think, I love you and have always tried to do my best for you. I shall always love you, no matter what. Go safely, love Mum.

No more, no less ( change the go safely but leave it simple) .

Then leave it. With time, maturity, experience she may come round. But St the moment she won't.

You send presents for Xmas and birthday to your ex DH or foster family. And you reiterate that simple message. No more, no less.

And you start your life again. With a broken heart but a calm exterior.

And you get yourself done tea now. and to the dr on Monday to fry referred for some counselling for you. And to the CAB for some free business advice for your business.

Have been informed by social services that I have to allow D access to her belongings when she moves into supported lodgings. If I refuse they will attend with a police backup. I never said she couldn't have her belongings just that someone would need to provide transport. Why am I being treated like a criminal?

Let them attend as well, tell them you want them there as you don't trust what your D will do or say next.
Cover yourself x

Do you know what I would tell them due to all the allegations you would like someone present for your own protection..This way they will see how she is behaving towards you

I may do that and perhaps they can help her pack it all aswell. Her bedroom is still the tip she left it in so they can see how she chooses to live. £1,000s in clothes, tv, computer, xbox, keyboard etc etc.
I go from feeling hurt and despair to anger and now I just don't want to play her games anymore.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it's all so terribly shocking to be turned on like this by a loved one.

I hope, with a bit of time you can get your head round it and get on with a different kind of life than the one you expected for a bit.

Have you been in touch with the council yet about moving to a smaller property?

No, I haven't been in touch with the council etc yet. I'm waiting for her to move in to supported lodgings and for ss to sort out her financial support. Then I can see where I stand with hb etc to stay here or move somewhere smaller.

Are you quite sure you're entitled to what you are getting right now though? Is there an overlap after your DD left, or will council/tax credits claim everything back from the date she left as soon as they know? Usually you have to report any changes immediately.

By overlap I mean run-on obviously.

Don't know. She has been staying temporarily with her boyfriend, nan, dad. She could have moved back here anytime. Surely the move is permanent once she has supported lodgings and have moved all her stuff out of here.

If I were you I'd double check that one to avoid a huge clawback in a few months time.

You must tell Tax Credits within 30 days of a child leaving www.gov.uk/changes-affect-tax-credits

OK thanks. I'll get on to it next week.

Haven't read your other thread, but don't let her take the TV/computer etc if bought with your money, not here/birthday etc. Unless bought as a birthday present.

Some things I bought her, some were birthday / christmas presents. The more recent things, especially expensive clothes, she bought from money inherited from her nan ( ex husband's mum.) I got on really well with my MIL, God knows what she would think of all this!

Plus iphone6 contract which I pay for. Can't cancel that though.

Cheeky mares these girls.
Get someone from SS present, when they're there you can tell them what she can and can't take, and that will also be the "official" date she moves out.
Then tell them she has an iPhone you pay for, just so they know she's not as hard done by as she makes out.

Hi Marie, since your d is still making allegations against you on FB and her friend says she is planning to charge you with harassment and she has got ss believing she needs police help to get her stuff , you need to be thinking about how to protect yourself against what she may still try. The animosity she is continuing to display shows she is not happy about her big power trip to get you sectioned being aborted. If you are recognising your m's voice in what your d is saying , trust your memory and instinct. Good advice to go to gp and ask for counselling . This is a very worrisome mix of past and present-is it possible your d may be carrying out what your m wants to happen to you ? Try to sort it out so you get a better idea what you are dealing with. I also think you should stay clear of your d and look after yourself. She has not changed in her thoughts towards you but seems to be laying the groundwork for further dangerous to you charges.

I'm so sorry for you OP - this is heartbreaking. In your position, I'd really want to start seeing a good counsellor, as you are dealing with such an extremely painful situation. I hope this is a possibility for you.

See, if your mother was a damaging person for you and you've kept your distance, (but facilitated a relationship between her and your dd) chances are she could well have added fuel to DDs fire, if not downright bad mouthed you to your dd. Obviously I dont know anything about your mother other than that you choose to keep your distance. But, if she wasn't a good enough person to be someone you wanted to have a relationship with, she was probably no better for your dd.

You must be worn out

Hi all. Think I'm finally coming to terms with it now. Have seen council today about reassessment for HB and have contacted CB and CTC. Told exh to tell D that she has no means of support from me now and SS need to sort it out with her, not me. Also said she can come and collect all her stuff in one go with transport from SS as I'm not having people coming and going in my house. They can just get on with it now and I'll get on with my own life. Thanks to all of you for support :)

Re. situation with my mother I told D that she would never be there for her when she really needed help - and she hasn't been. Mother has a house which she rents out BTW and could let D live there rent free. Didn't even offer.