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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Reported for abuse by 17 year old daughter UPDATE

117 replies

marieisme123 · 10/09/2015 17:18

Hi. Update on previous thread. Social services were contacted by my daughter. Social worker went to see her at her nan's yesterday. Had phone call from her dad and the social worker. D is adamant she won't come home or even allow ss to mediate. They have offered her accommodation in a family home - whatever that is. Prob. take weeks to sort out while she stays with her nan. I am livid atm - feels like a massive kick in the teeth. Still, it's out of my hands now - let them see if they can help her as I so obviously failed. Tbh I'm thinking about moving way now and breaking all contact

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Report

marieisme123 · 13/09/2015 14:28

Police report was sent to SS though.

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JeffsanArsehole · 13/09/2015 14:31

So? It means nothing. It's not 'proved', just her word. Nothing's been done and you've got nothing to worry about.

Anything you do will just inflame the situation, right now she's not going to apologise or give you respect so there's no point involving yourself.

PacificDogwood · 13/09/2015 14:31

Yes, but that does not give you a record.

Whether or not the stress of all of this 'makes' her dad start drinking again, is up to him, not up to you. Or your DD, frankly.
Your DD is a teenager, a troubled teenager, and as such likely to be utterly incapable just now to consider the consequences of her actions on others. She isn't even able to understand the consequences on herself just now.

You need to detach a little. Regroup. Take a breather. As somebody upthread said, take this as a bit of respite.
You cannot undo the past, and none of us know what the future holds.
Just breathe and lick your wounds for a while.
She'll need to do a bit of growing up and maturing and less fraught contact might be possible when some time has passed.

MrsDeVere · 13/09/2015 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

summerwinterton · 13/09/2015 14:42

I don't think reporting her to the police would be very helpful tbh.

marieisme123 · 13/09/2015 14:50

OK advice taken :) It's just very hard to do nothing after so long trying to do everything - if you see what I mean :)

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PacificDogwood · 13/09/2015 14:58

Yes, I can only begin to imaging how hard it must be.

Don't be surprised if you find yourself in a bit of a depressed slump once all the adrenaline-fuelled excitement has died down

marieisme123 · 13/09/2015 16:25

I'll take it a day at a time. I have plenty I can do to keep busy plus I need to get my business back on track. May even take up some interests I have neglected over the last few years. Just need to stop sitting and worrying all the time. Thanks for your support :)

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marieisme123 · 13/09/2015 16:27

Been a godsend to be able to post on here over the last couple of weeks. Don't know how I would have got through without it tbh :)

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marieisme123 · 15/09/2015 16:25

Update. Daughter has now decided she didn't like living with her nan, or rather the location which is quite isolated. So, she is now back staying with her dad which can't be a permanent arrangement as he only has a one bedroom flat. Social services haven't yet arranged the supported lodgings and it could be weeks before they do. She is still deciding whether to come and see me about moving back. The thing is, after 3 weeks of this hell, I'm not sure I want her back. Something has shifted in my relationship with her and I don't feel comfortable with her. I don't trust her or know what she is capable of doing if living with me isn't how she wants it to be. She is going to think she has the upper hand now.

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MrsDeVere · 15/09/2015 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TuTru · 21/09/2015 15:22

I agree with MrsDeVere above.

marieisme123 · 22/09/2015 19:26

Accommodation is with the Step By Step programme which offers either foyer lodgings or lodgings with a host family. Daughter is going to meet host family this week. This is supposed to be for kids who are genuinely homeless, from troubled backgrounds and / or have been in care. This is not the answer for my daughter but she is determined to go ahead with it. I hope the host family has been properly vetted and I hope SS know what they are dealing with because if anything happens to my daughter I will hold that SW personally responsible for suggesting this.

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Penfold007 · 22/09/2015 20:04

Let her go, she needs to find out for herself. She has deliberately put you through hell.

MrsDeVere · 22/09/2015 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marieisme123 · 22/09/2015 20:34

She is only just 17, birthday in August, so we are talking almost a year not a few months until she is 18. The only reason she can't live at home is because it doesn't suit her, she walked out I didn't throw her out. She won't be any better behaved with some host family. They need to be aware of her self harming and hoarding of medication. They need to be very vigilant.

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marieisme123 · 22/09/2015 20:35

Oh, but the SW tells me they have her notes so that's alright then. Clueless!

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MrsDeVere · 22/09/2015 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PacificDogwod · 22/09/2015 20:53

marie

We met with DS2's teacher today because of some ongoing behavioural shit that culminated in a violent scene towards his brother yesterday (they are 11 and 12 respectively). We also have 2 younger children whose safety is of course important to us. His teacher said, and I quote, "I don't recognise the child you are describing" as he is well-mannered, attentive and happy in the class room with no concerns about his learning.
At home we have a destructive, unhappy child, prone to violent outbursts, very difficult to live with. We are seeking help for him and us - again.

The point I'm trying to make (and obviously our situations are VERY different) is that it is sometimes astonishing how differently our offspring can behave when confronted with 'strangers' rather than their own family.

Give her 'host' family a chance.
Give your DD a 'chance' to prove herself.
Give SS a chance to show that they are able to support her.

I have no idea how hard this must be for you, but do you see any other way at this point in the proceedings??

My DH moved out from home when he was 17, he was not 'troubled' (well, no more than any teenager, I suppose ) and it was the making of him. Again, that means squat for your DD, but much as 17 is young and can be maturity-wise very young, she is not too young to make choices, even they are bad ones (and I don't think that moving out was the worst of choices tbh as things were so fraught between you).

I so hope that things will work out for her and for you and that with time the relationship between you two will be a closer one again.

TuTru · 22/09/2015 23:05

Take any help on offer, but stay connected too. And still enjoy a bit of peace at home as she may well be back in the future, after she's learned that all households have similar rules.
Good luck xx

marieisme123 · 23/09/2015 18:01

Yesterday evening daughter agreed to speak to me when i phoned her dad, who she is staying with atm. I asked her if she would come round and see me as we couldn't leave it like this. She put the phone down on me. Today she came round, with her dad, to collect some of her stuff. Didn't speak to me. As she was leaving I said again: 'Please give me a chance to put this right we can't leave it like this.' 'Are you sure you want to do this?' Meaning move in with the host family. She said 'Yes, and I never want to see you again. You're sick.'
So where do I go from here? She didn't look very well tbh, very pale, thinner. Fear she is on the edge again.
Social services aren't telling me anything either. Shouldn't they at least let me know where she is going to live?

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MrsDeVere · 23/09/2015 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marieisme123 · 23/09/2015 18:58

I now feel she is punishing me and blaming me for and her dad breaking up. Thing is she knew the circumstances and knew why I had to do it, mainly for her sake. I never expected gratitutude but I did think as she grew older she would come to understand the situation we were in and why I had to do what I did. It was to try to make a better life for us both.
Another thing, she stayed with her nan (my mum) for a couple of weeks during all this. Long story but I have minimal contact with my mum and it's been that way most of my adult life. I have my reasons. I always allowed contact with D as I thought it the right thing to do. Now I wonder if she has been poisoning D's mind because some of the things D says sound like they come from her.

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PacificDogwod · 23/09/2015 19:16

At 17 she won't have the first clue of what can go on between adults!

I don't think you should ask her to give you a chance, she needs to ask you for another chance when she is ready.

I hope you find a way to allow her to find her own way and yes, maybe make mistakes along the way.
You've not had much contact for you mother for good reasons I presume - don't try and second guess where your DD's motivation for behaving as she does is coming from.

marieisme123 · 25/09/2015 22:20

I bumped into one of daughter's friends in town today. Have known this girl and her family for years, since infant school. She knew all about what has happened and said D has it all over Facebook that I have been abusing her for years. Also D is going to report me for harrassment if I phone or send any more messages to her.

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