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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Reported for abuse by 17 year old daughter UPDATE

117 replies

marieisme123 · 10/09/2015 17:18

Hi. Update on previous thread. Social services were contacted by my daughter. Social worker went to see her at her nan's yesterday. Had phone call from her dad and the social worker. D is adamant she won't come home or even allow ss to mediate. They have offered her accommodation in a family home - whatever that is. Prob. take weeks to sort out while she stays with her nan. I am livid atm - feels like a massive kick in the teeth. Still, it's out of my hands now - let them see if they can help her as I so obviously failed. Tbh I'm thinking about moving way now and breaking all contact

OP posts:

sliceofsoup · 10/09/2015 22:15

But she is 17. You have tried. At some point you have to make your peace with the fact that you have tried and it hasn't worked out how you hoped.

With the behaviour she has been displaying, was it really realistic to make plans based on her completing her course? She might have moved in with a boyfriend even. She is 17, there is no way you could have forced her to continue to live with you whether SS were involved or not.

I don't want to sound like I am attacking you, because I am not. I realise this is extremely difficult for you, but you are talking about her like she is a 5 year old, not a 17 year old who has been causing grief for the last few years. Even if she did come back now, what do you think you can say to her that hasn't already been said?

Original poster

marieisme123 · 10/09/2015 23:28

Sliceofsoup: I wasn't forcing her to live with me, she could have left at any time if she had the means to do so. It didn't have to be like this. She is only just 17 btw birthday in August.

OP posts:

MommysNotTalkingToday · 10/09/2015 23:43

My teenage dd did something very similar a few years ago.

When she left it was a massive shock, but after the shock wore off it was actually a relief; no more fear of being falsely reported to SS again, no more threats, no more abuse.

We were NC for about 18 months. Contact is now sporadic but much more civilized than it ever was when we lived in the same house.

Although this must feel like the end right
now, it probably isn't. Your dd is still young. When she's done a bit of growing up she may well come back to you for a different type of relationship to the one you have had recently.

Atenco · 11/09/2015 01:38

You might do well to join Al Anon, OP. This may not solve your immediate situation, but could well help in the long term as many of your and your dd's problems seem to stem from having been living with an alcoholic

sliceofsoup · 11/09/2015 09:37

Of course it didn't have to be like this. But she wanted to leave and she didn't have the means, so she has gone down this route.

She reported you for abuse, said horrible things about you and your mental health etc etc, and of course you take that personally, since it is all directed straight at you, but it actually probably has very little to do with you. She is going through something here, she is confused and messed up and hurting from her past, and it is something she needs to work through and get help with. As her parent you really do need to take yourself out of the equation here, and set your feelings aside (that's not to say you shouldn't rant on here, your feelings do matter) so that you are able to help and support her from a less biased standpoint.

She is doing all this to you because she needs to lash out at someone, and you are the one person she knows deep down loves her dearly. Shes angry and hurt and some space might do you both good.

Original poster

marieisme123 · 11/09/2015 11:16

Sliceofsoup: Thanks for your reply. I am feeling a bit calmer this morning. I appreciate what you are saying but when I put all my other feelings aside I am still primarily worried about her well being.

SS have offered her 'supported lodgings' which from what I gather is a room in a family home with support from the family /carer and from a social worker. It is used mainly to house kids coming out of care so they can live as part of a family because they don't have anyone else which is fine but I don't think it is the answer for my daughter.
She will be living with strangers, out of her comfort zone, and will see their support as being told what to do. Knowing her as I do she will likely feel pressurised, get depressed and shut down.

She obviously wanted to leave to get away from me and live independantly on her own terms. I accept that. I left home at 17 myself. This option isn't giving her what she wanted. In fact, she will be less independant than she is here with me.
As she still isn't taking my calls, I have asked her dad to ask her to contact me so we can at least talk about this before anything is put into action. I think in a way she has dug a hole for herself and won't back down. At least she will know how I feel and that I still care about her even if she insists on still going ahead with it.

OP posts:

sliceofsoup · 11/09/2015 15:22

I am glad you are feeling calmer.

I understand why you think this, but I think that a new environment, with adults she isn't familiar with, might be enough of a fresh start for her to sort through all this. It isn't ideal, and if it was my daughter I would be climbing the walls worrying, so its easy for me to tell you all this, much harder to do it.

Maybe she has dug a hole and feels she can't back down, but maybe she actually feels like this is what she wants, no matter how crazy it seems to us.

I left home at 17 too. I walked out and didn't go back. My parents didn't know where I was, and quite frankly they didn't care. They didn't look for me, call the police, or even call me. (Of course to their friends they were devastated and couldn't understand why this was happening to them. )

From your posts it sounds to me like your daughter knows you are trying to contact her. She knows you are there. All you can do is keep the door open, keep the same number etc, keep asking her dad about her so that he tells her you hope she is ok. If she feels like a conversation with you will turn into you trying to convince her to come back she might avoid that.

Dizzy79 · 11/09/2015 16:54

I know exactly how you are feeling, had this with my daughter, social services basically came in made matters worse and then removed themselves from the situation when they realised that they had messed up. The financial side is also so difficult, not sure what advice I can give but just hang in there xx

Original poster

marieisme123 · 11/09/2015 20:56

Dizzy: If you don't mind me asking were you and your daughter in the same situation? Did she actually move out into that type of housing arrangement with social services intervention?
Anyway, had phone call from exh, daughter is going to see him on Sunday and she said she will phone me. Hope she will and we can talk about this before it goes any further.

OP posts:

Original poster

marieisme123 · 12/09/2015 19:38

Sorry if I'm being a nuisance but I really need someone to talk to right now. Daughter didn't phone me as expected and has told her dad that she doesn't want to come home anyway and she may feel able to speak to me in a few weeks. Apparently social services have found her a place in a family home, a couple who have 2 teenagers of their own, and she will be moving in there soon. I can't believe how this has escalated. What the hell do I do now?

OP posts:

JeffsanArsehole · 12/09/2015 19:43

You do nothing. She gets to choose.

You've done nothing wrong but she refuses to live with you and luckily for her she's been given a good place

Just let her know through your ex that if she wants to talk you're available and that you love her etc.

And then get on with your own life til the little fucker grows up a bit and realises you were only trying to do the best for her

gamerchick · 12/09/2015 20:15

You do nothing and she won't be allowed to take the piss there and hopefully do some growing up.

As for the money I'm not sure but o think you get 4 weeks before you have to cancel. You need to make other arrangements. i don't know if social services apply for CB or not or anything though.

It's time to stop seeing what you get for her as income either way.

Original poster

marieisme123 · 12/09/2015 20:19

Will SS contact me with the address, about moving her in. Will they pay for removal because I'm not going to help her move all her stuff under the circumstances.
Shall I wait until she has actually moved in before i contact benefits and the council about my housing benefit / change of circumstances?

OP posts:

Original poster

marieisme123 · 12/09/2015 20:23

I suppose SS will arrange support her financially in some way. I won't be giving her any money and her dad says he won't either.

OP posts:

MrsDeVere · 12/09/2015 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

marieisme123 · 12/09/2015 20:59

MrsDeVere: Thank you so much for your insight. Yes, she has friends who have been in care and she knows teens who have been accommodated because they have been kicked out of home. I have suspected all along that this was planned and that she was being briefed by someone The boyfriend is still on the scene btw.

OP posts:

Original poster

marieisme123 · 12/09/2015 22:28

Oh apparently they are a really nice family. Mum, dad, 2 teenage girls, nice big house, 2 dogs and 2 cats. If only I could have provided such a perfect family for her. While, I sit here in pieces and her own little dog, who she had for her 7th birthday, is missing her terribly.

OP posts:

MrsDeVere · 12/09/2015 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DollyTwat · 12/09/2015 22:55

Marie it's an emotional roller coaster. You're doing ok, you need to just think about what she wants. She instigated it and that's what has happened. It's out of your control really.

My ds1 has gone to live at his dad's, again, following violent behaviour towards me. It's heartbreaking, but .. He's better off there for my sake and ds2. It's hard, I've managed with 2 kids on my own foe 13 years and ex swoops in as Disney dad criticising everything I've ever done. Dealing with him is the hardest part. You do t have that at least.
She's nearly an adult. Many of us were already in our own places at that age. She'll be ok. She'll come back, give it the time she needs and reconnect again

DollyTwat · 12/09/2015 23:00

I have ds1 overnight tonight and I know why he can't live here. I'm avoiding any flash points but I'm on eggshells and however bad it sounds, I'm glad he's not here all the time. I've got used to 'normal' living without the dramas and arguments about nothing.
Imagine if she wanted to come home. How do you feel?

Original poster

marieisme123 · 12/09/2015 23:56

Thank you all for reaching out even though you have your own problems :)
I thought if she came home, or we could at least talk about it, we could make a 'fresh start.' Now I'm thinking about how many fresh starts I have tried with her and how nothing worked in the end. You know, I literally can't remember the last good day I had, when I didn't feel stressed, anxious, exhausted. You are right, we need time apart and at least I know she is safe. I need to deal with the practicalities and keep focused. I'll start tomorrow :)

OP posts:

Original poster

marieisme123 · 13/09/2015 13:43

Hi. Well, another sleepless night but I'm getting there. I have accepted that daughter doesn't want to speak to me or see me. I have asked ex to continue contact with me and I will wait for SS to contact me, I'm not chasing them. In fact, I'm keeping out of it. Thinking about it now and how it was all instigated by daughter and her boyfriend, accusing me of abuse, trying to get me sectioned, I couldn't trust her / them not to do something similar again. Could I report them to police for false allegation?

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 13/09/2015 13:46

Why would you want to?

My heart goes out to you - it must be so hard.
But I really think you's be well advised to just lie low for a while.

Don't try and 'talk to her', or consider 'fresh starts' (as you say, she's had many chances in the past') and don't fan the flames by being seen to get her in to more trouble.

If the agencies involved (SS, police) felt the need they could themselves charge her with 'wasting police time' for instance. You stay out of it IMO.

Original poster

marieisme123 · 13/09/2015 14:08

Well, maybe the police need to talk to her / them about the consequences of falsely accusing someone. That is going to be on my police record now (and hers.) Apparently the boyfriend was with her at her dad's yesterday, sitting there as if nothing had happened. Her dad is getting fed up with it now and says to just let her get on with it, he says she involved SS so it's up to them now. Not making excuses for him but ex is recovering alcoholic (2 years) and this stress could cause him to relapse. She might also consider the effect she is having on him.

OP posts:

JeffsanArsehole · 13/09/2015 14:19

You weren't cautioned?or prosecuted?

Then you (or her) don't have a record.

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