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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Reported to police for abuse by my 17 year old daughter

145 replies

marieisme123 · 31/08/2015 19:09

Hi. I won't go into huge detail to start with, will add more if necessary. During an arguement with my 17 year old daughter she recorded me on her tablet. Her boyfriend, who she was talking to on the tablet during the arguement, phoned the police and said I was abusing her. Resulted in a visit from 2 police officers, a paramedic and a social worker. Doesn't look like the police will be taking it any further. Any thoughts / advice?

OP posts:
amarmai · 06/09/2015 22:05

good if you can step back op. That will calm you down for when you need to respond to whatever fresh shit you d cooks up next. maybe a mantra to repeat inside your head will help e.g. i did the best i could dealing with an alcoholic husband and bringing up my cc or shorter -I DID MY BEST.

Original poster
marieisme123 · 06/09/2015 22:18

DameM: Thank you for support :)

Vicar: Thank you - that is reassuring. I got the impression that was how the officers felt and the paramedic said 'we are wasting our time here - this is a domestic' before he and the social worker left. I think a lot of it starts when they are told there 'rights' in primary school. The 'if you do that I'll phone childline' scenario.

OP posts:
Original poster
marieisme123 · 06/09/2015 22:21

Amarmai: Thanks - I'll try that :)

OP posts:
vicarinatutu · 06/09/2015 22:29

the sad thing is that while your dd was pissing everyone about someone who really needed police and ambulance wasnt getting them.

if i told you how stretched paramedics and police are now it would scare the living day lights out of most right minded people who might one day need them.

pm me if you need to know anything op. im happy to help.

Original poster
marieisme123 · 06/09/2015 22:40

Thank you. I will :)

OP posts:
TuTru · 06/09/2015 22:58

God they're awful aren't they. They put us through an emotional hell and then when you react they make you the villain.
I'm no expert, I can't really offer advice, but I think if I were in your position now I'd let her stay at BFs, try and build up your own strength again. Let her know she's welcome back if she can play by the rules but for the time-being make the most of some peace and quiet.
Good luck xx

NorthEasterlyGale · 07/09/2015 11:44

I can't offer any advice as I have no experience of this sort of situation, but I can give you an outsider's view:

Seems to me that you've spent that last 10 years trying to hold things together and be in control of a very chaotic situation, given your exH's drinking and your DD's behaviour. I'm sure that you are desperate to 'fix' the current situation or 'get it under control' because that's your natural state now. After so long, I'm sure you spend most of yourself in a very stressful state of near hyper-vigilance waiting for the next thing to happen and looking for ways to get things 'right', and your first reaction to anything will be action.

I think advice to sit back, leave things alone and just keep occasional, minimal, contact with your DD while things settle is spot on. I also think it's probably the hardest thing in the world for you to do as it means not taking action. It means sitting and waiting. And pausing for long enough to listen to your own thoughts and think about what's right for you for a change; a chance to be still and look inward for a time instead of being driven to act on external factors.

It might feel uncomfortable for you, but I think you should take this time to take a long, much needed mental deep breath.

Good luck.

SixtyFootDoll · 07/09/2015 12:00

It's standard procedure in my force vicar

Original poster
marieisme123 · 07/09/2015 14:38

Thank you all so much for advice and support. It has been a great help just to talk about it on here.
D is still not taking my calls but exh is still keeping me informed so I am leaving it at that for now. I have asked him to phone me when he needs to or just every couple of days.
I guess I feel guilty or that I don't care by not doing anything but it is time I stopped taking it all on myself and allow other people to help.

OP posts:
Original poster
marieisme123 · 07/09/2015 15:57

Just a thought. D is staying with her nan (my mum) and her partner. They live in a very posh retirement appartment which is pristine, like a show house. Cream carpets, polished leather sofas, expensive ornaments, antiques. D's level of messiness is off the scale. She leaves a trail of her stuff through the house here. Never does anything to help. Be interesting to see if she is different while living with them as I am told it is normal for teenagers to be messy and they can't help it.
LOL ... my sense of humour must be returning. :)

OP posts:
amarmai · 07/09/2015 16:20

lol- trail of detritus thru the pristine show house! Just imagine op if you continue on your own , how you will return to who you were before all this worry and upset. Your d needs to live on her own -not in your house- and find out about LIFE for herself. Maybe then she'll be more able to understand what it was like for you to have cc with an alcoholic h . Keep strong , get advice from more than 1 source, make up your own mind re what is best for you and do not be guilt tripped into accepting blame .

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 07/09/2015 16:27

Vicar - just tried to PM you (not about this thread!) and it says you're not able to receive PMs.

Just in case the OP tries to PM you!

TuTru · 09/09/2015 13:14

Wishing you tons of luck and some sleep filled refreshing nights xx

Original poster
marieisme123 · 10/09/2015 17:41

Social services were contacted by my daughter. Social worker went to see her at her nan's yesterday. Had phone call from her dad and the social worker. D is adamant she won't come home or even allow ss to mediate. They have offered her accommodation in a family home - whatever that is. Prob. take weeks to sort out while she stays with her nan. I am livid atm - feels like a massive kick in the teeth. Still, it's out of my hands now - let them see if they can help her as I so obviously failed. Tbh I'm thinking about moving way now and breaking all contact

OP posts:
amarmai · 10/09/2015 19:08

you can choose to look at this as being given the freedom to live your own life. you did your best . Now it's her turn to learn how to deal with the kicks in the teeth that life gives to all us. This time you dodged a bullet!

gamerchick · 10/09/2015 19:30

DONT break off contact. You're feeling hurt, she's still a kid and immature. Stay in the background but let her sort her own life out.

Your relationship might improve when she's settled.

TuTru · 13/09/2015 17:19

Don't break all contact, you might regret it. But draw a line and move on with your life, still being there for her makes you the better person. One day she'll see that too. Xx

Hmumof2 · 20/09/2015 18:37

Blimey, only went on mumsnet to see if I could get my two teenage dd's to tidy their rooms and help around the house! I really hope things are improving for you - sending you lots of love and wishes. x (If anyone can help with my tiny issue let me know!)

Mango12345 · 15/05/2019 01:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

danicohn · 15/05/2019 07:40

@Mango12345 Oh honey... Yeah I agree OP showed unneeded information and withheld important shit.

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