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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Reported to police for abuse by my 17 year old daughter

145 replies

marieisme123 · 31/08/2015 19:09

Hi. I won't go into huge detail to start with, will add more if necessary. During an arguement with my 17 year old daughter she recorded me on her tablet. Her boyfriend, who she was talking to on the tablet during the arguement, phoned the police and said I was abusing her. Resulted in a visit from 2 police officers, a paramedic and a social worker. Doesn't look like the police will be taking it any further. Any thoughts / advice?

OP posts:

Nonnainglese · 05/09/2015 17:26

Hello marie, happy to listen and help if I can

Original poster

marieisme123 · 05/09/2015 17:29

Hi Nonna. Thank you so much for responding. Have you read the thread and what has happened?

OP posts:

Toooldtobearsed · 05/09/2015 17:32

I am here......

Toooldtobearsed · 05/09/2015 17:34

I have read the full thread. I might not be able to help, but I can listen.

My children are grown up now, but had their moments!

Original poster

marieisme123 · 05/09/2015 17:39

My daughter has been away for 9 days since the visit from police etc. She has been staying at times with her boyfriend, her dad and her nan (my mum.) She hasn't been in contact with me but her dad has been keeping me informed. This morning I phoned her dad and he said they were both coming to see me. I expected that we were going to talk and see a way forward. But no. She came to collect some of her stuff, with his help, and has now gone back to her boyfriend's place. She said she is not coming back until I get some help for my MHI and her dad agrees with her. She is starting college on Monday and intends to stay with her nan, for how long I don't know. She has contacted social services, who have contacted her dad - not me, and they are going to see her at her nan's next week. It seems she wants to leave home but I don't think she realises the consequences of what she has done.

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 05/09/2015 17:39

Have read the full thread. Please up date, maybe someone can help.

Original poster

marieisme123 · 05/09/2015 17:43

It feels now like everyone is ganging up on me. Her dad, her boyfriend and his family and her nan

OP posts:

Original poster

marieisme123 · 05/09/2015 17:44

Social services are involved but no one has contacted me. I scared I could be prosecuted for abuse.

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 05/09/2015 17:46

In what way? If she has chosen to live with her boyfriend and she is safe what more does she want?

gamerchick · 05/09/2015 17:49

No OP she doesn't right now but she will.

Let her go, keep the lines open and just wait it out. She has a home and is going to college so is safe.

She'll be ok.

Penfold007 · 05/09/2015 17:50

You already know the police aren't going to prosecute. SS have a duty of care but as she is 17 and safe they realistically are going to do much else. Her father or her gran could offer to have her if they wanted to.

gamerchick · 05/09/2015 17:51

Don't worry about being prosecuted... Play the long game, stay calm and just wait it out. They do grow up eventually.

Original poster

marieisme123 · 05/09/2015 17:51

Hi Penfold. Well, she tried to get me sectioned and know she is saying I need treatment for my MHI. She has actually report me for abuse and is now involved with social services.

OP posts:

Toooldtobearsed · 05/09/2015 17:54

marie, first of all, a straight question. Do you think you may have MH problems? I appreciate this is a very difficult question for you to know the answer to, but perhaps dealing with your daughters behaviour over the years has caused a deterioration in your MH?

Just wanted to get that out there first.

Could you speak to your ex and your mum, separately, and see what has been said about you, without getting too overwrought?

It may be that she believesyou have MH issues, even if you don't.

Once all of that is learned out of the way, I would suggest you calmly (!) text your daughter every few days, just to say something chatty. Do NOT send her a text every day saying you love her, more grist to her mill, just a 'just back from shopping. New coffee shop open, we will have to meet up there sometime' type of texts. Keep in touch with ex and mum, not only asking for info about daughter, but just to let them see you are okay.

Finally, and I say this with the best will in the world, see your GP. Could there be a possibility that you are suffering from depression? Even if you go and GP says you are fine, it is 'logged'.

Be kind to yourself and stay in touch with everyone, no matter how hard.

TheBobbinIsWound · 05/09/2015 17:55

Do you have mental health issues OP?

Original poster

marieisme123 · 05/09/2015 17:55

The thing is I don't have any 'treatable' MHI. It is just the stress of everything that has happened over the past few years. She seems to think that I can just take a magic pill and everything will be OK. That I will be the way she wants me to be I suppose.

OP posts:

TheBobbinIsWound · 05/09/2015 17:56

Sorry TooOld- X post, and you are much more articulate

Penfold007 · 05/09/2015 17:57

I'm really sorry you are going through such a tough time. Do you have MHI? It might be worth speaking to your GP to get some support through this difficult time. I'm a bit confused as to what she is hoping to gain as she has got her own way and moved out. The cynic in me wonders if she is trying to get housing.

Nonnainglese · 05/09/2015 17:58

I have read the full thread marie, and perhaps, as tough as it is, that's for the best.

You've said how manipulative she is and that her dad can't reason with her so it seems she's calling the shots. SS will soon see through her and I suspect the bf's parents have already seen the light and that's why she isn't with them but staying with her nan from Monday.

You won't get prosecuted for abuse, neither the police, paramedic or the social worker took any action at the beginning so hardly going to start now.

I don't think anyone's ganging up on you, you're exhausted and stressed out and look at it as now you've been given a breathing space to recharge your batteries.

It might be worth seeing your GP to get yourself checked over after all you've been through too.

Take care.

Original poster

marieisme123 · 05/09/2015 18:00

I don't think taking AD will help. It will just mask the problems maybe and help me cope with it all.

OP posts:

Scobberlotcher · 05/09/2015 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scobberlotcher · 05/09/2015 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Devilishpyjamas · 05/09/2015 18:11

How does your stress come out? Why does her dad think you need MH help (does he? Or was he just going along with her?) What sort of help does she want you to get? From what you said earlier it sounds as if she has an obsession with mental health.

SS won't do anything - please don't worry about that. If you are concerned about what they might think it might be worth talking through everything with your GP - then you can tell SS you have been to see him/her & are following their advice.

It does sound a very stessful few years. I would let her dad deal with it for a bit. It sounds as if she won't tolerate your help at the moment anyway.

PastaLaFeasta · 05/09/2015 18:26

I really feel for you OP, teens can be awful, especially girls. I've not found anti ds helpful for depression so I would recommend them if you don't have the symptoms - have a look for the medical questionnaire to monitor your mood though as you are having a tough time and need to look after yourself. I do think counselling could help you though, you don't need MHIs for that. It could help you gain perspective and understanding while having somewhere to express your emotions. Would your ex be up for a casual chat over coffee to explain more about why he believes you are unwell? Perhaps he can see your side after and counter the manipulation from your DD.

I read this but didn't post earlier. It seems like your DD is projecting her issues with MH onto you, scapegoating perhaps or even crying out for help herself and in need of sectioning/intensive inpatient support, perhaps is even terrified of it. If she discredits you then the authorities won't believe your reports on your DD's behaviour. Give yourself space, keep the door open and ensure she know so but gather your true friends and distract yourself when possible.

DameMargaretOfChalfont · 05/09/2015 18:28

I think that your DD moving away is, for the time being, the best option open to you all.

I believe that your DD is quite manipulative in the way she "managed" the original argument and, as I posted last week, I believe that she had a golden vision of you being carted off in a straight jacket whilst she took up sole residence in the family home.

The current situation will give you breathing time and the opportunity to de-stress away from the constant arguments and upsets.

It will also show your DD that the grass is not always greener on the other side as, now she can't pick arguments with you, she'll probably start picking arguments with her BF or dad.

I am a mum of a 23yr old and an 18yr old so I do understand the stress and tantrums that they can cause - please see this as a valuable opportunity to have some "me time" and gradually take small steps to re-establish a non confrontational relationship with your DD.

Time is your friend

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