Reported to police for abuse by my 17 year old daughter

[marieisme123]

Hi. I won't go into huge detail to start with, will add more if necessary. During an arguement with my 17 year old daughter she recorded me on her tablet. Her boyfriend, who she was talking to on the tablet during the arguement, phoned the police and said I was abusing her. Resulted in a visit from 2 police officers, a paramedic and a social worker. Doesn't look like the police will be taking it any further. Any thoughts / advice?

What evidence has your mum and exh given for believing your daughters view you have mhi ? If indeed you have not, then involving ss shouldn't worry you, after all they see dozens of similar situations and can see through stroppy teens not getting there own way

Thank you all for your advice / support. I feel I should add that my ex husband is an alcoholic - in recovery. He started drinking (openly?)when daughter was about 7 and it escalated over the years until we seperated 2 years ago. He was never violent but could be verbally abusive, to me not to daughter, and would disappear on benders and sleep rough. He drank to cope with problems and the more problems his drinking caused the more he drank. Yes, my daughter grew up with this and I tried to get him to leave but he wouldn't and I tried to protect her.When my daughter took the overdose (2 years ago) social services and CAMHS were involved. He started drinking and disappeared for a few days finally turning up at his mum's. It was at that point I had had enough and refused to have him back. I thought if he was out of the way I could be on my own with my daughter and support her. He went into detox/ rehab, has been re-housed and got his life on track. Daughter has kept contact with him and I have kept it civil. Now she has gone to him and I am the problem :(

Take measures to help you feel safer and less stressed. Do not believe that your mum and your ex are against you. Contact ss if that can help you. You can only control yourself -not your d. She did set this up with her bf and she wants you out of the house so she can take over. If you own or rent , maybe move to a smaller place and remove that temptation and help yourself feel safer.What you are going thru is a variation of what all parents of teenagers go thru. When it passes i pray that you and your d will be safer and happier.

Ah that might explain a bit. If she's grown up with chaos and an unstable life and that suddenly ends in the teens I've known for that teen to create their own drama because its familiar and somewhat comforting for them.

Unfortunately you can't go back in time to when she was 7 and get rid of him. You really have to ride it out but keep that door open and don't lose touch no matter what she says.

If she escalates however then you'll have to deal with it then. For now, worry from afar and keep tabs and work on things at your end.. There's little more you can do until she's receptive to it.

She okay, that actually makes a lot of sense. I think you need to protect yourself. Text your dd semi regularly to let her know you are thinking of her, as others suggested (if you want to) even if it's just 'good luck at your first day in college' and then spend some time looking after yourself. You sound as if you have had a tough few years. If she has a key & is showing no signs of returning it might be worth thinking about changing the locks. Just keep yourself safe.

Ah okay not she okay

Gamerchick: Thank you, I never thought of it from that angle. She also seems to seek out 'friends' who have very disfunctional family lives. It seems that my efforts to put it all right and start again with her, once her dad had gone, was too little too late, the damage is done. I wish more than anything that I could go back and start again. The years before all this, until she was about 7, were the happiest of my life and my bond with her seemed unbreakable. I guess I will just have to hold on to that. I do blame her father and just wish we had seperated sooner.

Please, please do not blame yourself. You've done the best you could with the resources you've had and one day your DD will realise that.
She's old enough to know what she's doing, and it's good that her father is involved.

Take time to look after you for once. Hindsight is only ever any good for beating yourself up, IMO, so I hope things start improving for you very soon.

When I was 17 I had to call the police on my alcoholic mother one night because I was genuinely scared as a result of her abusive behaviour. The police officers stayed with us until family friends picked me and got my mum to agree to check herself into a hospital where she stayed for a night. My mum was furious with me because she had no awareness of how her behaviour affected others.
The police took no action against my mum even though they completely accepted that I was scared and she was a risk to me and herself which is why they spent two hours waiting for the family friends to pick me up.
I am not convinced that the daughter is manipulative. The police not taking action does not mean there aren't serious issues and I don't think the daughter would stay away from the home for no reason.

Lauren: In my case there was everything in place to section me because her boyfriend phoned the police said I was abusing her and threatening to kill myself - which I wasn't. The police just let her walk out the door and go and stay with her boyfriend

Thank you all for the helpful advice and support. All I can do now is hold on and take each day as it comes and deal with it step by step. You have been very kind - thank you.

Hi. Can anyone help me please? Social Services are going to see my daughter at her nan's on Wednesday. My ex husband told me that they phoned him for her number, rang her and arranged the appointment. Does this make sense? Wouldn't they have phoned me to arrange a meeting with both of us? I think my husband may have phoned them as he is enabling her in leaving home. Now, he isn't answering my calls and nor is my daughter. Should I contact social services myself and ask to see someone to explain what is going on from my side? Please help.

Do you have a good relationship with your mum?

It sounds like dd is in a safe place, has support.

You need the break from her. Let her go. She will be ok.

Aussie: I managed to get hold of ex husband. He says social service phoned him. He gave me the number and case worker so I'm going to phone tomorrow and ask what's going on. Surely, I should be kept informed.

No, I don't have a good relationship with my mum, long story. She is 76 and lives with her partner (she has been married 3 times) in a very posh retirement flat out in the sticks. My daughter couldn't stay there permanently. I don't know why she turned to my mum anyway, she has had minimal contact over the years and then only for shopping, giving her money. My mum has been no support to me my entire adult life and I don't think she is capable of supporting my daughter. Her answer to any problem is to go on another cruise (cynical laugh.)

Social services will probably be assessing if daughter has a safe place to stay. Not my mum's - or not permanently anyway, not her dad's because he only has a one bedroomed flat, not her boyfriend's family. Maybe SS will offer her hostel or supervised accommodation which neither I or daughter would want.

I need for daughter to come and talk to me, with or without SS, so we can sort this out.

marie i am hoping a ss mner will come and give you advice. My instinct is since you did not call ss to report, perhaps you are better off not calling now. How often are you phoning your ex? He seems to responding with info on his own initiative. I do not interpret this as him being against you As far as your mother is concerned , i take your word for that. Get your responses to likely ss questions sorted out. Make a list of ?? you think they will ask and be ready to answer clearly and concisely. What is the message you want to give to ss? Your answers should make the message you want to send. Do you really want your d back in your home after what she has done? She may well be angry that her attempt to section you did not work and set out to get you to lose control while she videos it to her bf again. Do not underestimate the misplaced spite and discontent that she directing to you. Hopefully a ss will give you better advice as i am not qualified.

amarimai: Thanks for responding. I need to know who has contacted ss and why. It may be police proceedure following the incident or it may be the police as a follow up to the complaint my d made against how the police handled the incident. When she made the complaint she gave my ex husband's phone number and they contacted him. So, I'm assuming as the police have his number it has come from them?? My ex says he didn't contact ss and I believe him and you are right he is in contact with me regularly. I just want to talk to ss so I can put my side of it and find out what they plan to do. Surely, I have a right to know what is going on?

OMG part of me thinks I am over reacting and just need to talk to d and sort it out but when I think of how she was sitting there on her tablet, so calm, recording me, then getting her boyfriend to phone the police etc and tell them I was abusing her and threatening to kill myself. Did I mention that just prior to that she said 'you are psychotic, you need sectioning.' How can it be anything but planned?? I know spoke to someone who volunteers for mind and she said that 2 police officers, a paramedic and a MH social worker is definately the call out for sectioning someone.

I don't know why you're so fixated on that? It's not easy to get someone sectioned trust me... You can't just ring someone out on someone who has no history of mental health problems and have them carted away. What are you scared of?

It's likely SS want to see your daughter because of her housing issues that's all. If she is adamant she's not going home because of whatever then they'll probably stick her in supported housing. They may never get in touch with you.

Ss aren't going to tell you if someone has made a further complaint, who it was, what it was, give full details etc. you know what is happening because your xh has told you - as are going to talk to your dd on Wednesday. You know where she is, and that she is safe (at your mums).
In the interim, I suggest you get a gp appointment for yourself and go over everything with the gp - including the behaviours in yourself that your dd believes are MH related/ psychotic, and unveiling the behaviours you recofpgnise in yourself that you believe AD's would 'mask'. (Your words not mine)
You do clearly recognize at some level that all is not well with your own MH (as well as your dd's) and you would be well prepared to address this calmly with a gp as soon as possible, to discuss whether they believe there are any supports that can be offered to you (whether this is ADs, counseling etc).

Look to yourself and get yourself in the best possible place, before you can help dd. after all, if she knows that you are seeing the gp etc, her fears that you require sectioning are unfounded, right?

What support has your dd had for her own MH issues since her suicide attempt? Is she still in regular counseling or has she been signed off from CAMHS? Have you contacted CAMHS at all about her behaviour in the last couple of years? If she still has a CAMHS outreach worker, have you discussed this latest series of events with them?

Thank you for the advice. I will phone SS anyway and see what they have to say. The behaviours in myself are through the stress of trying to cope with many problems for a long time. I admit it has taken a toll on my MH and I will go and see my GP. When I said ADs mask the problems I meant they don't solve the actual 'life' circumstantial problems but maybe help you to cope with them a bit better.

My daughter had no support from CAMHS. We had one meeting with a family advisor. D refered for counselling with 'the moving on project' as an interim measure while we waited for another appointment for assessment. We waited and we waited. I phoned them. Wrote to them. She was referred back to them by school and by her GP. Both times we had letters saying she was still on the waiting list. Finally, 2 YEARS LATER I get a phone call saying she is now at the top of the list and does she still require their services. Maybe I should contact them again now but I think 17 is the cut off point.

if i were you i would not be volunteering anything that could be interpreted as supporting your d's accusations. Since i have a strong impression that you may be likely to blurt out stuff damaging to yourself, i think you would be far safer to limit what you say to any one, including mn , and definitely do not call the ss. As it stands right now it's your d who needs help -leave it at that. If you want to get help for yourself, wait till this dies down and do not inform the dr. what your d tried to do. Separate this unfortunate incident from whatever you decide to do. It will muddy the waters and cause unnecessary complications.

The police would have made a referral to social services after they came out to you, it's standard procedure after any domestic incident.
I'd ring social services to find out what is going on.
You are still the parent.

I'm now thinking maybe it would be better to leave well alone and just be prepared if SS contact me which they may or may not. My ex husband is in regular contact so I know where D is and what's going on to a certain extent.

as a police officer can i say spoilt children piss me right right right off.....

police are supposed to deal with CRIMINAL matters....not teenagers who spit the dummy out cos mummy was nasty.

i have 2 children aged 18 (girl) and 23 (boy with aspergers) and the calls we get now as police to go and deal with such things make my blood curdle....
i say this as someone brought up in the care system due to real domestic abuse.

ive had a to respond as a response front line officer to a 9 year old phoning police.
there is such a thing as "lawful chastisement"
remember that line people.

OP - I think you're post about leaving well alone is spot on.

DD is safe with family and all you're doing is torturing yourself over and over again. SS know where you are if needed.

As I've previously posted please try to sit back and allow teenage tempers to cool - she will soon see that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Let her dad take some responsibility for once.

its not standard procedure to contact SS either - its done if the officer feels its warranted.