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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Reported to police for abuse by my 17 year old daughter

145 replies

marieisme123 · 31/08/2015 19:09

Hi. I won't go into huge detail to start with, will add more if necessary. During an arguement with my 17 year old daughter she recorded me on her tablet. Her boyfriend, who she was talking to on the tablet during the arguement, phoned the police and said I was abusing her. Resulted in a visit from 2 police officers, a paramedic and a social worker. Doesn't look like the police will be taking it any further. Any thoughts / advice?

OP posts:

JeffsanArsehole · 31/08/2015 20:57

Yes to involving social services but I doubt they will offer much

The bottom line is you need to look after yourself. You can leave the door open for an emotional support or relationship but I don't think you should let her back home. Why would you, she abuses you.

ImperialBlether · 31/08/2015 21:04

I think you have to keep yourself safe.

Texting every day is a good idea. Answer phone calls but if she gets abusive immediately say, "Sorry, got to go" and put the phone down.

Don't engage with her - it gives her and that twat of a boyfriend a kick to see your reaction.

If you think of it this way, it might take a few months, even a year, but in the scheme of things it's doable. She could be on a gap year abroad and you wouldn't see her. Think of it as a year where she has to grow up - it might be hard for her but the way she's treating you, she doesn't have the right to be with you at the moment.

What will she do for money? I wouldn't give her cash.

bloodyteenagers · 31/08/2015 21:07

At 17 at most ss will get her into a shitty hostel. MAybe a weekend in one will give a huge kick up her arse.
Shared bathrooms. Grotty kitchen. No overnight guests. 10pm curfew where they will report residents as missing. Dodgy locks on door including bathroom.

MyDoItMyself · 31/08/2015 21:13

This is a someone who has been suffering from pretty serious mental anguish since she was 12 and all anyone can say is how selfish and awful she is? Your child self harms and tries to kill herself and your only thought is poor me?! Fuck.

Original poster

marieisme123 · 31/08/2015 21:14

To ImperialBlether: Thank you for your support. I think at this stage I could let her go but it is the practalities. Her boyfriend is 18 and lives with his mum and dad. He does work. Although she stays at their house most of the time anyway I don't think they would actually let her live there permanently. As for money. She has money of her own in a savings acccount. She has also been going to her dad for money. She is meant to be going back to college next week. If she couldn't live with her dad would social services house her?

OP posts:

Original poster

marieisme123 · 31/08/2015 21:20

To: MyDoItMyself: No, it isn't a case of poor me. It is years of trying to get help for her. It is years of heartbreak and despair. You need to inform yourself about self harm in children and teenagers before you pass comment .

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Original poster

marieisme123 · 31/08/2015 21:22

And don't try blaming me because I have blamed myself a million times over!

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AndNowItsSeven · 31/08/2015 21:26

MYDoItMyself unless you have a teenager with mental health issues you have no clue non at all.
Op I doubt SS will offer help at 17 tbh. I think the best thing is that she stays with her dad.
Take care of yourself and you should not blame yourself.

MyDoItMyself · 31/08/2015 21:30

Thank you, I'm very well informed. Which is why I was at your description of your daughter's severe depression, low self esteem etc. I didn't blame you either, if you'll re-read my comment.

I'm sure this is incredibly difficult for you and has been for a really long time. I'm equally sure it's incredibly difficult for her and has been for a really long time. I have a serious problem with suggestions that you punish her by cutting her off though. I hope both of you get the help you need.

YeahWellMaybe · 31/08/2015 21:31

Bit rough to the OP youdoit
Have you got teens? My sympathies op. I second PPs in thinking that a cooling off period for you both is in order. Her to calm down and you to lick your wounds. You must be shattered after years of it. If the bfs parents will let her stay there a few weeks then great. Try to gather your strength for when she comes back.

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/08/2015 21:32

Please be careful about shifting all of the blame on to the boyfriend.

JeffsanArsehole · 31/08/2015 21:37

It's not a 'punishment' to cut her off or not let her come back, it's necessary to keep the OP safe. There is no reason to live with an adult who assaults, abuses and calls the police on you.

AnyFucker · 31/08/2015 21:41

I don't see where anyone has advised "cutting her off"

Clearly these two need not to be living under the same roof at the moment...for both of their sakes

but cutting her off ? No.

hedgehogsdontbite · 31/08/2015 21:51

Why does your daughter think you need sectioning?

coffeeisnectar · 31/08/2015 21:57

My niece went into care aged 10/11 as she was completely off the rails. Amongst other things, she has assaulted a police officer, set fire to a house and dabbled in drugs and persistently run off. My sister did everything to keep her at home but she couldn't cope, had two younger children and ss could provide a safe environment with psychiatric care.

Well niece is now 19, and still being difficult, still quite obviously needing mh care but refuses it. Will not do anything to help herself despite my sister never giving up on her, visiting constantly, including her in family things etc it's never going to be enough for niece. There's a point you have to walk away and my sister is reaching that point.

Your daughter is clearly disrespectful of you and thinks she knows it all. Let her leave. Leave the door open but quite honestly she sounds like my niece who is a habitual liar, who will do anything to get her own way and I have no idea where she will end up.

No nastiness from others about my sister please, I've only posted the bare bones of what she's put up with from my niece and she's a brilliant mum.

Original poster

marieisme123 · 31/08/2015 22:01

I haven't cut her off. She walked out, while the police were here, met her boyfriend and went to his house for the night. She wouldn't answer her phone to me but called her dad who called me and told me where she was. She is choosing not to come home.

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Original poster

marieisme123 · 31/08/2015 22:03

BTW the police said to let her go and that they couldn't go to her boyfriend's house to check if she was there because she is 17 and can go where she likes.

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ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 31/08/2015 22:07

She'd be punted out to go live with her boyfriend then. If shes 17 she's old enough to move out.No way would she be making up lies like that about me,calling the police etc and accusing of abuse.

Original poster

marieisme123 · 31/08/2015 22:13

Hedgehogsdon'tbite. Probably because every so often she tips me over the edge and I get angry and distressed. I'm only human but it seems I'm not allowed to have feelings. As long as I keep my mouth shut, tell her what she want to hear and let her do everything she wants - regardless of the effect on me and other people - she is fine.

OP posts:

MrsPCR · 31/08/2015 22:18

Reading this, hopefully she is being a rebellious teenager, who clearly also has issues and just wants to be with her boyfriend and as others have said, time and space will hopefully improve your relationship, or she will realise the grass is not always greener.

My concern, particularly with your belief of the pair of them setting up the argument for the video, is that he is grooming her or something, by first turning her against her family so that she becomes reliant on him. She is clearly vulnerable and I hope he is not taking advantage of that. As others have said, I would definitely try to maintain daily contact via text so that she knows you still care.

Do you know his family at all? Could you make sure she is ok through them?

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 31/08/2015 22:20

Just caught up she is at her boyfriends.

unfortunately I know quite a few girls who were the same as your daughter growing up. One being my future step sister. Who went massively off the rails at 13 as a result of her parents splitting up. She done all the same as your daughter. Put my dad's partner through hell. She is 21 now and now they are close but she still suffers depression. Her mum tried everything to get her help. But she rebelled against it all. you can take the horse to the water but you can't make it drink. sometimes people need to realise themselves they need help.

Some adults and their grown up children just don't get on living together. My husband and his mum use to have awful argument's and hated each other.until he moved out.

Op I'd do as advised by keeping in contact by text if shes civil but you need to protect yourself ultimately.

lastuseraccount123 · 31/08/2015 22:32

I have a lot of empathy for you OP. My first thought was your DD may have MH issues, but regardless of that the fact that you are scared of her speaks volumes. What she did imo was pretty serious. I agree with the others - let her go and don't engage except in a controlled way by text. Mental illness or not, you have the right to be safe in your own home. Good luck.

Original poster

marieisme123 · 31/08/2015 22:37

MrsPCR - Although they did this together I think my daughter is the instigator. She seems to manipulate him. A couple of weeks before this incident the BF phoned my ex husband saying she was threatening suicide. BF has her dad's number but not mine. Turned out to be nothing - they had just had an arguement. She does this with me but I have to take it seriously because of her past.

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Original poster

marieisme123 · 01/09/2015 12:58

Thank you all for your support. She still isn't home and nothing is resolved yet but I do appreciate being able to talk about it on here and feel a bit better knowing others have had similar problems and got through it.

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Original poster

marieisme123 · 05/09/2015 17:11

Hi. I have re-opened this thread because there have been further developements and I need someone to listen and possibly help.

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