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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

WHY doesn't my 17 yr old son bloody TELL me anything???

74 replies

ssd · 16/08/2015 21:46

this is driving me mad, I dont want to be intrusive and nosey but I'd just like to know what he's doing when he goes out, I dont mean a big blow by blow account, just if he goes for miles I'd like to know.

he's got a new girlfriend, haven't met her, dont even know her name

he's a good boy, did well in recent exams, doesn't stay out late or come home drunk or anything not yet anyway

I only find out where he's been when I find train tickets or such in his pocket

why doesn't he tell me, its not like I'd make a big deal, am conscious I dont want to come across like I'm desperate to know his every minute

it just feels rude.

OP posts:

Original poster

ssd · 16/08/2015 21:49

it doesn't help that my friends daughter seems to tell her mum everything, that's the only way I find out stuff sometimes

I dont think there's anything bad going on, I'd just like to be included in his life, a tiny wee bit.

OP posts:

iwasyoungonce · 16/08/2015 21:51

Have you said this to him?

SuburbanRhonda · 16/08/2015 21:51

You go through his pockets.

Sorry, but there's your answer.

Atomik · 16/08/2015 21:53

You go through his pockets.

Why leap to the worst possible conclusion ?

I check pockets before I stick a load on. I presume the OP does the same.

SuburbanRhonda · 16/08/2015 21:55

A 17-year-old doesn't empty his pockets before putting his clothes in the wash?

WTAF?

Original poster

ssd · 16/08/2015 21:56

ok, rephrase this.

I didnt go through his pockets, I found a train ticket on the floor, it must have been in his pocket and he dropped it. I only go through pockets when I'm putting stuff in the machine.

I told him I'd like a text if he goes far away and he said ok. Its not a big deal to him, just dont get the secrecy all the bloody time. I'm moaning on here, but am the least intrusive parent I know.

OP posts:

Haggisfish · 16/08/2015 21:56

Do you have neutral talking opportunities, like walking a dog or doing dishes together? You could then bring this stuff up then?

Gymbob · 16/08/2015 21:57

I'd be going through his pockets too if he was secretive. or maybe the op didn't, she may have found them in a pair of jeans for washing.

I think it's just teenagers expressing their determination to be independent, and you need to refuse to be upset about it. mine are rude too.

Original poster

ssd · 16/08/2015 21:57

for christs sake rhonda, dh doesnt empty his pockets before putting stuff in the wash!!

OP posts:

Lightbulbon · 16/08/2015 21:57

You go through his pockets!?

How would you like it if someone did that to you?

At 17 I was living away at Uni. My parents didn't have the faintest idea what I was doing between one weekly phonecall and the next!

His business is his business not yours. He deserves his privacy!

textfan · 16/08/2015 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lightbulbon · 16/08/2015 21:58

A 17yo should be doing their own washing.

coffeeisnectar · 16/08/2015 21:58

Instigate the conversation over dinner or breakfast, ask him his plans, tell him yours.

But at 17 he's nearly an adult and in his head "I'm going out, be back at 10pm" is probably enough.

My dd tells me everything in minute detail. "And then she said...And I was like...And then he was just so OMG ...And it was soooo funny!" And I'm just standing there baffled!!

SuburbanRhonda · 16/08/2015 22:00

Ok, sorry. I'm just always a bit surprised when males exempt themselves from responsibility for their own shit.

Original poster

ssd · 16/08/2015 22:00

I'm not expressing myself very well here....he's not rude to me, I just find it a bit rude he doesnt tell me much when I said "did you have a nice day" when he comes in, all he has to say is "yeah we went to X", a bit of communication, thats all I would appreciate...instead of "yeah"

OP posts:

Micah · 16/08/2015 22:02

My mum used to/says exactly the same. Hates that I don't talk to her.

When I do tell her something I get judgey comments on whether I should be doing this, or she'd do that instead. Or if she didn't approve, she'd be completely uninterested. I can tell if she likes a friend by whether she remembers their name or not.

If he does tell you things, how do you respond?

Not saying you are doing anything, but sometimes it's natural to want to offer advice or opinion, when he's just chit chatting.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 16/08/2015 22:03

so bloody typical
ssd is asking for help in how to get a teenager to open up a bit. perfectly normal thing to ask

yet some of you beig all weird and judgy and fucking wrong about "why are you going through his pockets?! "

what the hell is wrong with you? you are totally missing the point and not being helpful at all
ffs

Original poster

ssd · 16/08/2015 22:04

yes, he's probably just being independent, just feels a bit unnecessary, the level of not communicating, its not like I'd go "oh you went to X, where did you eat, what did you see, how long were you there"....I know my limits, I'd just say "oh that's nice", but at least I'd know

OP posts:

pomegranatesandfilms · 16/08/2015 22:04

What's wrong with emptying people's pockets if you're putting a load of washing on?

Atomik · 16/08/2015 22:04

A 17-year-old doesn't empty his pockets before putting his clothes in the wash?

Heck I'm 47 and often find stuff in my own pockets as I go through pockets before bunging everything in the machine. I particularly enjoy the process when I find a twenty euro note I forgot I had. But it's usually just a disappointing tissue or recipt.

Original poster

ssd · 16/08/2015 22:05

zing, its always the same shite on here, I just read the helpful posts and ignore the man haters and teenage wonders

OP posts:

Bakeoffcake · 16/08/2015 22:06

I'd find this rude too, if people are living in the same house it's polite to share at least where you're going and roughly when you'll be back.

Have you told him how you feel? That you don't want all the details, just a little about what he's up to.

SuburbanRhonda · 16/08/2015 22:07

What's wrong with emptying people's pockets if you're putting a load of washing on?

Nothing wrong.

But I would object to someone not bothering to empty their own pockets before they put their clothes in the linen basket for someone else to wash.

iwasyoungonce · 16/08/2015 22:08

I think you need to speak to him about it. Tell him you wish he'd open up a bit more. That you're not nosey, just interested in his life. Maybe he thinks you wouldn't be interested?

I do think this is a male trait. It's like getting blood out of a stone with DH sometimes. How was your day? "Fine". And my DS (only 5) doesn't ever tell me anything he did at school. Whereas my DD always tells me loads.

Original poster

ssd · 16/08/2015 22:09

yes bakeoff, just told him, I said can you just let me know when your going far away, just a text in case anything happens, he looked at me like I was mad but said okay....

Micah, I dream of chitchat with him, when we have an actual conversation it makes my day, this is the boy who wouldn't shut up when he was small....

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