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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

WHY doesn't my 17 yr old son bloody TELL me anything???

74 replies

ssd · 16/08/2015 21:46

this is driving me mad, I dont want to be intrusive and nosey but I'd just like to know what he's doing when he goes out, I dont mean a big blow by blow account, just if he goes for miles I'd like to know.

he's got a new girlfriend, haven't met her, dont even know her name

he's a good boy, did well in recent exams, doesn't stay out late or come home drunk or anything not yet anyway

I only find out where he's been when I find train tickets or such in his pocket

why doesn't he tell me, its not like I'd make a big deal, am conscious I dont want to come across like I'm desperate to know his every minute

it just feels rude.

OP posts:

Bakeoffcake · 16/08/2015 22:13

That's good you've had a chat. I do think they go through a bit of a secretive phase, it's all part of moving away from parents and becoming independent.

Atomik · 16/08/2015 22:14

ssd

Do you think it might just be the older teenager version of...

"What did you do at school today ?"
"Nothing"

As in, it's not that they have any real issues with sharing the details, more that they can't be arsed.

ShipShapeAhoy · 16/08/2015 22:14

I have to admit I was really bad like this, and still am to a degree. I'm quite private and not great at small talk and chit chat. I'm sure it did upset my mum but I didn't know that at the time.

I think I'd have responded better to questions like 'Where did you go today?' 'That sounds good, who went?'
Not like a proper interrogation, but direct questions rather than general 'how was your day?', types definitely work better for me.

JeanSeberg · 16/08/2015 22:15

I'm with you ssd. I have 3 sons - one tells me everything, one nothing and the other is somewhere in between. I guess it's down to personality.

achieve6 · 16/08/2015 22:19

this is interesting

Does he stay away a lot overnight? If not, then I'm wondering how far away he can really be during a day?

Privacy was hugely important to me at that age (actually it still is). I didn't want parents meeting boyfriends. What for? The one time I did introduce one, I was 18 and we were going on holiday together, so I thought to stop them angsting it was only fair to introduce them.

I think all signs of independence are good tbh.

Original poster

ssd · 16/08/2015 22:20

thanks, thats things to think about, maybe more direct questions would help, he always answers me, so that would work, I just dont want to bombard him with questions the minute he comes home....and yes it definitely is like the how was school? question, all I ever get is still fine, from both ds's

I know its normal, hes a great boy, really great, I'd just like a little mum/son chat now and again....

dh is like this too, but I can badger talk to him better, he cant get away...

OP posts:

Bakeoffcake · 16/08/2015 22:21

I agree about personality.

Dd1 is a chatterbox, would tell me in minute detail everything about her day. She's 24 now, lives away form home but phones me everyday for a chat

Dd2 on the other hand- I've always had to extract info from her. She's at uni and I've taken to sending texts such as "Oi, is there anybody there?" When I haven't heard form her for days. I don't want a long conversation- just reassurance that she's ok.

Original poster

ssd · 16/08/2015 22:21

he never stays away overnight, unless its like a festival or something planned and if hes going to be late he does text me

OP posts:

achieve6 · 16/08/2015 22:22

also - thinking of the introvert thread going at the mo - if you've just come back from somewhere you've had to do a lot of talking, when you enter your home, you want peace. The last thing you want is more talking. So if he is at all introverted that might be it - he enters the house and that's his "recharge" time.

MakingBaking · 16/08/2015 22:23

Not sure if this will help but how does he respond when you tell him stuff about your day? Or discuss something in the news etc? Maybe a roundabout conversation might make him mention a few things about his life?

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 16/08/2015 22:23

ssd

"radio silence" can be unnerving, because even if he seems ok and it looks like everything is ok and not much to report, you just don't know that.

I don't have any helpful advice, but I hope you'll be given some good ideas what to do.

in the meantime train your lazy menfolk to empty their pockets. not because it's useful, but so that next time you won't have a target on your back for it. ok?

achieve6 · 16/08/2015 22:24

we cross-posted - I asked about overnight because of the whole thing of "if someone has an emergency" etc but it sounds like he'd tell you if he was going somewhere a 6 hour train ride away so that's fair enough, in my humble opinion.

If you would just like more chat, sorry, he just might not be very chatty. My mum was the same wanting me to tell her more and I just wanted to veg out when I got home.

now as an adult, I fix times for phone calls with her so if I've been in company all day and know I will be needing downtime, I call her on a different day.

3catsandcounting · 16/08/2015 22:24

Well, I have a DH who tells me nothing, just his day was "average"; one DD18 who tells me nothing, and DS16 who tells me even less! I get more conversation from the dog.
I have friends who say "ooh, you're lucky, my two tell me way too much!" No, I'm not lucky; I just want a bit of bloody conversation; are we not worthy to share?!!!

Micah · 16/08/2015 22:25

I don't think it's a "male trait"

As with most things, I think it's a personality trait.

That or I'm male.

Original poster

ssd · 16/08/2015 22:25

actually, thank god for mn and the chance to be a moan and a bit introspective, I've just remembered I went to stay with a guy abroad aged 19, ( after living abroad for 18 months but in another country,) anyway at 19 I buggered off to live with a guy abroad and when it all went wrong I came home and the first thing mum said was "you didnt even tell us his name"

, I can see where ds gets it, and here was dh getting the blame...

OP posts:

MamaMotherMummy · 16/08/2015 22:27

I would try not to worry about it. You haven't lost your little boy who chatted away to you, he's just in a transition phase and all transition phases are difficult. It's the time of his life that he's trying to separate from you emotionally, ideologically etc and make his own way through it all and into adult life. Not to be rude but your wish to chat to him will be the last thing on his mind, as it should be. It's not likely to be anything personal, or that he doesn't like you anymore, it will just be that his mind is outside the home.

A 17 year old young man should not be trying to please his parents. Teenagers of that age often go through immense emotional upheaval and confusion as they discover what the adult version of life truly is. Most want to be out in the world experiencing stuff without thinking about their parents.

If I were in your position I would be extremely thankful that he hadn't come home late or drunk (in this day and age that is almost remarkable) and extremely glad he's done well in his exams.

I know these times can be hard because it feels like they're gone to a degree, but remember not to take it personally. In their minds they have a massive task (to become a man), and chatting to their mums about what they got up to is not going to help them complete that task, so it's just not on their radar.

Once he's figured out who he is and what he wants he'll be ready to chat to you again.

That's my take on it all anyway.

Bakeoffcake · 16/08/2015 22:28

Oh god your poor mum.

Atomik · 16/08/2015 22:30

the first thing mum said was "you didnt even tell us his name

Teenhood = nemisis time.

Original poster

ssd · 16/08/2015 22:30

I know bake, christ I was a one!

and nice posts above, thanks everyone x

OP posts:

3catsandcounting · 16/08/2015 22:31

Wise words Mama; I'm going to take those to bed with me! Night all! x

Original poster

ssd · 16/08/2015 22:32

nite nite xx

OP posts:

ShipShapeAhoy · 16/08/2015 22:32

I think I started speaking to my mum more once I left home for uni and we'd speak on the phone (though left out a lot of details but I think that was for the best as I'm sure she was happier not knowing about my drunkeness!).

I've just remembered even when I was in infant school she said I didn't tell her anything. I feel guilty now!

Now I speak to her every week but not every day. Dp is on the phone to his parents every 5 minutes so I think I probably should try harder! It really isn't because I think badly of her though, it's just my nature and I'm sure that's the same for your son. I think I probably am a bit of an introvert like a pp said.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/08/2015 22:34

I have a taciturn ds too, ssd.

Me: Where are you going, ds3?

Him: Out.

Me: Who with?

Him: Friends.

Me: When will you be home?

Him: Later.

Me (thinks): Thank-you, dear heart, that was very informative.

nestee · 16/08/2015 22:35

Do you have meals together, because dinner time is always a good time to chat? my ds constantly gabbers on, but I hardly understand a word because it's all about computer games (killing zombies and the like)! I just smile and nod, smile and nod...

jessym · 16/08/2015 22:40

He wil be an adult in a few months time, so I assume he is just asserting his independence. In his view, he isn't a kid any more, he is quite capable of looking after himself and he doesn't need to give his mum a running commentary on where he is and what he's doing.

The fact that this behaviour would worry you, or that you would consider it Ill-mannered simply does occur to him.

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