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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

WHY doesn't my 17 yr old son bloody TELL me anything???

74 replies

ssd · 16/08/2015 21:46

this is driving me mad, I dont want to be intrusive and nosey but I'd just like to know what he's doing when he goes out, I dont mean a big blow by blow account, just if he goes for miles I'd like to know.

he's got a new girlfriend, haven't met her, dont even know her name

he's a good boy, did well in recent exams, doesn't stay out late or come home drunk or anything not yet anyway

I only find out where he's been when I find train tickets or such in his pocket

why doesn't he tell me, its not like I'd make a big deal, am conscious I dont want to come across like I'm desperate to know his every minute

it just feels rude.

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 16/08/2015 22:47

I think it's a personality thing. DS (also 17) tells me (and anyone else who will listen...) everything - and funnily enough, I also go through his pockets before I stick his things in the washing machine, so that's that theory debunked.

Give him time - he's just too busy enjoying life to worry about telling his mum what he's doing

Junosmum · 16/08/2015 22:48

A 17-year-old doesn't empty his pockets before putting his clothes in the wash?

My 31 yo husband doesn't check his pockets before he puts them in the wash basket. I check my pockets before they go in the wash basket, he expects me to check his before they go in the wash, I don't, he loses things/ things get broken. He hasn't learn't. Some people are dumb.

I didn't tell my mum where I was at 17 either. She told me she didn't mind/ she just wanted to know. So once I told her. I got thrown out and she didn't speak to me for 2 years. I'd gone on a date with a girl (I know, I'm the devil). I didn't do anything illegal or much immoral until she kicked me out! And I attended school and got good grades.

sillygiraffe · 17/08/2015 00:15

Some kids are like that unfortunately. My ds used to be like that but is slightly better now. He quite often would not come home after school and disappear off to his girlfriend's or friends house for hours and just not bother to tell me. It used to annoy the life out of me but he just thought I wouldn't be bothered. I just thought it was inconsiderate. Dd is not much better and tells me next to nothing and half of that is lies. But thinking back, I used to tell my mum I was going "out" and that was all she got. But I agree its frustrating.

Baregrylls · 17/08/2015 12:24

ssd Trying not to rise to the laundry police who presumably live alone and certainly don't have teenage boys. FWIW I would not be pleased about the electricity consumption if all four members of this house chose to do their own laundry and it's always me who leaves a tissue

I have a 19 year old who tells me everything and texts dutifully at all the right times and a 17 year old who - doesn't. I recently had a long chat with him about how DH and I feel if we don't know what he's doing or don't hear from him. He says he understands and will try to see things from my perspective, we shall see. He never opens up about personal stuff unless there is a crisis though.

Original poster

ssd · 17/08/2015 16:48

baregrylls, trust me, I've been doing this parenting lark long enough to know those that preach the most have the least.

OP posts:

BecksTroll · 17/08/2015 16:55

My teen does not empty pockets. My DH does not empty pockets. I do not have a particular skill at emptying pockets nor do I want to learn what is in their pockets, am not a pickpocket, but someone has to empty the bloody pockets especially the youngest whose pizza pocket stained pockets are invariably full of plastic tat including Polly Pocket .

Hassled · 17/08/2015 17:06

I recently emptied the big tumble dryer filter thingy at the bottom of the machine and found 21 balled up bits of clingfilm. School lunch-related, and all DS3. He is only vaguely familiar with the concept of bins and so everything goes in pockets, and thus in the wash because I don't empty pockets. The moral of my story is that checking pockets is wise.

Re the talking - my DS1 has moved up and out now, but when I ring him the only way I get any information is very specific, carefully phrased questions. He's going for a new job but I still don't really know what job or where or why. It's like 20 questions sometimes and it's bloody frustrating.

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 17/08/2015 17:13

those that preach the most have the least

JeanSeberg · 17/08/2015 18:10

It's like 20 questions sometimes and it's bloody frustrating

I sympathise Hassled. My eldest son is the same aged 20. I'm asking myself when do I stop putting it down to age/personality when really it's just rudeness imho.

SuburbanRhonda · 17/08/2015 18:17

Came back to see if the laundry thing was still going

baregrylls, I can't speak for other posters, but I certainly wasn't suggesting everyone does their own washing. And I agree that checking pockets is wise.

I just think it's not unreasonable to ask the owner of the pockets to check them themselves before they put their clothes in the wash. I didn't realise it was such a big ask.

And I have two teenagers, one of them a DS

rogueantimatter · 17/08/2015 18:31

My DS (16) is a bit like your DS. When he was 13/14 he very cheekily (not like him fortunately) once told me it was "none of your business" when I asked him who he was going out with. Boy did he get a rocket!

When I was calmer I explained patiently told him in no uncertain terms that a parent who has no idea of their DC's whereabouts or who they're with is negligent - accident, trouble with police, unlikely but yada yada. Also that his DF and I would tell each other where we're going....

He's a bit better now - says where's he's going though not usually who with unless I ask - but he often won't think to mention big stuff.

Baregrylls · 17/08/2015 18:32

It's like 20 questions sometimes and it's bloody frustrating
^^ Yes. You need to be skilled in the art of open questioning.

Original poster

ssd · 17/08/2015 20:15

The laundry thing is a red herring. I've went through this families pockets for ever and have never found anything suspicious or weird, I wouldn't ever imagine finding anything like that either. I check because, as we all know, a rogue tissue in the wash is a real PITA!!

There will always be people/posters who say "I wouldn't do that", usually in a lofty, superior way, its usually over feeding babies or co sleeping....only in MN land would we get told off for emptying the pockets of a 17 yr olds trousers

OP posts:

SuburbanRhonda · 18/08/2015 10:49

I never said "I wouldn't do that", in a lofty, superior tone or otherwise. I do lots of stuff for my family that they should probably do for themselves.

I just wondered why so many men in the house seem incapable of checking their own pockets before putting their clothes in the linen basket, but I can see that that's an unreasonable expectation.

Original poster

ssd · 18/08/2015 12:43

ok rhonda, that's not lofty its sneering

OP posts:

Atomik · 18/08/2015 13:15

I never said "I wouldn't do that", in a lofty, superior tone or otherwise.

No. Not at all. You just all "peace and love" said....

A 17-year-old doesn't empty his pockets before putting his clothes in the wash? WTAF?

I get it. You wanted to justify that first, rather mean spirited post by going down the "how was I supposed to know she might need to check pockets before sticking a load on" route.

But the expression "when in hole, stop digging" comes to mind at this point.

SuburbanRhonda · 18/08/2015 13:57

Not you don't get it at all, atomik.

But you're right, this has got boring now.

SirChenjin · 18/08/2015 19:57

I just wondered why so many men in the house seem incapable of checking their own pockets

It's not just the men in this house. I ask and I check to be certain. It's no biggie.

Original poster

ssd · 19/08/2015 07:41

Its funny how people who get pulled up on here give it "oh this is all too boring for me now" instead of saying, "yes I was being a bit of an arse..."

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 19/08/2015 09:19

What a shame this thread went off topic when it could have provoked a good discussion to support parents of 'taciturn' late teens.

Atomik · 19/08/2015 09:28

Not you don't get it at all, atomik.

Well that's a shame, becuase I was giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Even basically fair and non judgmental people can occasionally paint themselves into a corner of not wanting to lose face when they over-leap conclusion-wise.

junebirthdaygirl · 20/08/2015 19:11

My ds3 told me very little at 17 but has improved in last 2 years. One place he would chat was in the car. Think it's not seeing my face. When he went to college l asked him just to let me know on a regular basis how he was. He sent me regular texts saying all fine! Nothing else. If l texted a few questions he replied carefully in one word answers. It's a family joke now. However he does like politics and news story so will chat about that but give little information about himself. I chat away to him telling him all about my day and dh chats to him about sport. We do know all his friends as in and out of this house constantly and some of them sit in the kitchen and chat away to me. I wouldn't worry. It's pretty regular for that age.

MyEvenNewerAccount · 21/08/2015 00:11

OP, is you DS thinking if goung to uni? I took my DS's to some of their uni visits as they weren't driving and it was more convienient and cheaper than taking the train. I found that it was a brilliant way to really get to know them as semi adults. The days were all about them.

OP, how about occasionally seeing if you son would like to go out with you for a quick lunch. I can coax/bribe my boys out if there is food involved. . We play cards while we eat so it's not all about the conversation. I think it builds up a habit of chatting.

My sons are adults now and they still aren't half as chatty as their sisters but they do chat. I felt like there was a transition in our relationships when they were about 17.

Original poster

ssd · 22/08/2015 16:08

thanks, good tips here!

OP posts:

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