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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS has rescued a teenage girl who lost her friends. Now what?

142 replies

CQ · 04/07/2015 23:52

He's in town with a group of friends, big event in our town this weekend so lots of teenagers milling about. Friends (all boys) coming back to stay as arranged. All 16.

DS has just called to ask if it's ok for a girl to come and crash. She's 16, he knows her from school, she's lost her friends in town and can't get home.

I've told him she needs to call her parents and give them my number so they can call me and verify.

But how will I know she's done this? I can put her in a spare room but I won't be able to hear if there's any 'corridor creeping' going on after I'm in bed.

As the mother of a girl I really want to talk to this girls parents. What if she doesn't want me to? I can hardly chuck her out, I want her to be safe. But she might really not want her parents to know she's been so daft. But I would want to know.

WWYD?

They are on their way now - about 15 mins on foot.

I'm putting pizzas in the oven to soak up the alcohol.

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 05/07/2015 18:27

Who was breaking the alcohol and underage sex laws?

PlayingHouse · 05/07/2015 18:29

The boy and the girl are 16. The law for drinking is 18.

nooka · 05/07/2015 18:30

Why are you talking about underage sex PlayingHouse? It's irrelevant to this thread.

As a point of fact it's not illegal to drink at 16 in the UK, it's just illegal to sell alcohol to an under 18 year old. No one did anything illegal in this scenario.

NellysKnickers · 05/07/2015 18:30

She's 16 not 6. You were lovely to let her stay. I'm a bit shocked by some responses on here.......

reup · 05/07/2015 18:32

I went out drinking at 14/15 and got great A Levels the 2 things aren't always mutually exclusive. I'm really old too.

SurlyCue · 05/07/2015 18:32

The boy and the girl are 16. The law for drinking is 18.

No it isnt. Inform yourself better. It is illegal to sell or serve alcohol to anyone under 18. Drinking alcohol under 18 isnt illegal.

Sparklingbrook · 05/07/2015 18:34

In MN World it is assumed all teenagers are drinking and having sex like theres no tomorrow. If you dare to say yours aren't then you get told they definitely are you just don't know about it.

Floundering · 05/07/2015 18:36

Ok playing house how would YOU treat a 16 yr then? Can't lock 'em up any more so compromise is inevitable.

Floundering · 05/07/2015 18:41

I am also assuming the pearl clutchers don't currently have teens, bloody minefield I tell ye....

nooka · 05/07/2015 18:45

My teenagers drink fairly infrequently and haven't yet had sex. I've not had anyone challenge that particularly. But then I've not lambasted anyone who has teenagers that drink and are sexually active (not saying that you have Sparkling but I've certainly seen that dynamic).

Different things are normal in different environments and different kids do different things. I'd be very surprised if ds went out drinking with his mates, but in the scenario that the OP describes, not too worried.

theaveragebear1983 · 05/07/2015 18:48

Personally I think the OP is probably not doing too bad a job. There is no way I would have gone home drunk at 16, but it didn't stop me drinking with my friends, so therefore I was a very vulnerable 16 year old. Providing a safe place for these kids to come home to, probably helps keep them in check (we're going to x's mum's house so best not get too wasted) rather than knowing they're out at the park, no parents to answer to, and can get as wasted as they like. Presumably all the other parents knew the score, as this event was planned. Obviously the ideal situation is that your 16 years olds don't go out drinking, but not everyone's as brilliant a parent as some of you mums netters......
By 16 I was going to nightclubs with loads of friends, bra stuffed with e's and the party wasn't even started by midnight. A few beers is the least of your worries

Haffdonga · 05/07/2015 18:49

Similar happened to us last night too. DS (18) went out with friends on a night out. At 3am he texted to ask if someone he'd met could stay the night on the sofa. Far too late at night to have a conversation about who, why etc.

So an almost-stranger slept on our sofa. By the time I'd got up in the morning he'd gone, leaving behind a neatly folded sleeping bag and a thank you note.

DS explained this morning that he'd met up with him when he was walking home. The lad had got locked out and had nowhere to go.

Of course you were right and lovely OP.

Merguez · 05/07/2015 18:55

OP I think you sound lovely and did the right thing.

I have a 16-year-old DS. And I think the pizza was absolutely the right thing to do - thoughtful and considerate.

Very surprised at some of the posts on here.

Lolimax · 05/07/2015 19:16

I've already put my opinion on here. But have just discussed this with my 18 year old DD (who camped out last night in a party with alcohol!). Her view was OP did the right thing and that amongst her peers the parents who were the most 'cautiously relaxed' towards their teens in terms of alcohol were the ones with the most sensible kids. The ones who forbid alcohol have the kids drinking in secret (and therefore causing police issues!). I'm generalising here I know I think being draconian with teenagers isn't necessarily successful.

tidalwaveover · 05/07/2015 19:46

Don't have teenagers but I'm a bit shocked at all the pearl clutching too.

We were served alcohol at 6th form balls at actual SCHOOL 20 years ago a few years ago when I was 16 and 17 respectively (August birthday).

Making sure everyone is safe and has water and food at the end of the night just sounds sensible to me.

tidalwaveover · 05/07/2015 19:48

(and I got straight As at A level if that's in any way relevant!)

Original poster

CQ · 05/07/2015 19:49

OMG MrsdeVere - the obesity. I never considered the obesity.

Is there a self-flagellation emoticon?

Seriously - glad there are some like minded posters out there - I was about to report myself to social services.

OP posts:

hesterton · 05/07/2015 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seriouslyffs · 05/07/2015 20:01

at all the pearl clutchers who either a) don't have teenagers yet or b) have teenagers but have no idea about their lives.
Not all teenagers are having sex and drinking. Many are though, and everyone has a friend who can't get home/ gets lost/ doesn't want to phone home and needs looking after.
I'm proud that my dcs can bring friends home the worse for wear, knowing they'll be safe. I always ask the random teenager to let home their whereabouts though.

meisiemee · 05/07/2015 20:02

I think there is over reacting here. When we (I) were 16 there was no mobile phone, and the least likeliness that someone was going to call after a few drink their parents to say they were lost but now staying at another friends. The girls parents are not expecting her home and she is in a safe place and her friends know where she is. Maybe there is a reason she can't call home, who knows. OP, your son and you have done right, maybe chat with her in the morning and say next time there maybe not such nice people like your son to take care of her. She will have woken up worried and scared no doubt.

wigglylines · 05/07/2015 20:06

OP you sound very sensible, I think you absolutely did the right thing.

The girl is 16 not 13!

SurlyCue · 05/07/2015 20:08

Could those referring to pearl clutchers clarify which posts/posters they mean.

madwomanbackintheattic · 05/07/2015 20:17

To clarify - I don't give a particular monkeys about anything except that the girl didn't let her parents know where she was. And even the OP started out by insisting that had to happen (in the first phone call where her son called and asked if it was okay). But somehow that got diluted to 'oh it doesn't matter, they aren't expecting her home anyway'...

I'm betting mam will ask her if she had fun at Jane's and she'll say 'mm, yes, great it was fun'. not 'actually I stayed at Kev's, his mum said it was ok'.
No pearl clutching here. I just think as the adult it's wise to stick to the guidance role as far as possible and not collude with teens trying to get one over on their parents. Because I wouldn't want other adults to do it to me with my kids. Or to condone it.
'Mum, I'm staying at Kev's'

Either 'ok dear. See you tomorrow'
Or 'can I speak to his mum?'
Or 'hm, no, I'll pick you up and bring you home/ take you to Jane's where you said you would be and your stuff is'

Parties, staying over, pizza and a fair amount of booze doesn't worry me as long as it doesn't worry the parents of the girl concerned... but it's not my call for someone else's kids...

I'm wondering what happened in between 'yes, but I need to speak to her parents to make sure it's ok' and not doing so?....

nooka · 05/07/2015 20:30

From the OP's posts a couple of hours and the girl saying she'd spoken to her parents (and the friend) already. It was past midnight after all.

Does it really matter if her parents know she was at 'Jane's parents house or at 'Kev's parents house? She was safe, under adult supervision, had a bed for the night and a plan for the morning.

SurlyCue · 05/07/2015 20:33

Yes, exactly what you said mad

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