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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS has rescued a teenage girl who lost her friends. Now what?

142 replies

CQ · 04/07/2015 23:52

He's in town with a group of friends, big event in our town this weekend so lots of teenagers milling about. Friends (all boys) coming back to stay as arranged. All 16.

DS has just called to ask if it's ok for a girl to come and crash. She's 16, he knows her from school, she's lost her friends in town and can't get home.

I've told him she needs to call her parents and give them my number so they can call me and verify.

But how will I know she's done this? I can put her in a spare room but I won't be able to hear if there's any 'corridor creeping' going on after I'm in bed.

As the mother of a girl I really want to talk to this girls parents. What if she doesn't want me to? I can hardly chuck her out, I want her to be safe. But she might really not want her parents to know she's been so daft. But I would want to know.

WWYD?

They are on their way now - about 15 mins on foot.

I'm putting pizzas in the oven to soak up the alcohol.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 05/07/2015 17:26

This:
Oh, silly me! I is drunk and lost my friends! I know, I can see John from my math class and they have beer! I will go home with them!'

I'd much rather my dd thought 'oh fuck. Where the hell is Jane? I'll give it another half an hour texting and trying to find her and then I'll have to decide whether to get a cab to her house or call my mum. Better sober up.

I have a 19 yr old lad and a 16 yr old dd. I would NOT be happy to find the 2 girls had just split up then randomly gone off with other people they vaguely knew. In your shoes OP, I would have made her call her parents - yes with the offer she could stay there, but I'd make her know that they needed to know. Would also have considerable concerns for the friend.

I would be reiterating to my so called rescuing ds, that the right thing to do would have been to ensure the other girl was also safe and that they both went to where they were supposed to be, not bringing one girl home and leaving the other abandoned.

Sparklingbrook · 05/07/2015 17:27

CQ you sure you weren't making the pizza dough from scratch?

AlpacaPicnic · 05/07/2015 17:28

at cq!

What would you have done then, volenflo? Reversed time to ensure the drinking didn't take place before you were aware of it?

Volenflo · 05/07/2015 17:28

I would never make one from scratch, fuck that!

Original poster

CQ · 05/07/2015 17:29

Nope, that's the last straw, isn't it? I bet you're reaching now for your pearls and getting ready to hoik.

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 05/07/2015 17:31

Too right CQ. Shop bought pizzas served to guests? That's the worst bit of it all for me. Hope they were Tesco Finest at the very least.

SurlyCue · 05/07/2015 17:32

Actually re-reading the OP its very clear OP was actually very keen to speak to this girl's parents herself

I've told him she needs to call her parents and give them my number so they can call me and verify.

As the mother of a girl I really want to talk to this girls parents.

But she might really not want her parents to know she's been so daft. But I would want to know.

so i'm really not understanding why she has such a problem with the posters who are saying exactly the same things as she herself said she should do!

Original poster

CQ · 05/07/2015 17:34

Don't you mean Fainest?

No they weren't.

I'll get my coat. Best go and hand myself in at the nick before the pitchfork mob get here.

OP posts:

Original poster

CQ · 05/07/2015 17:39

Jeez Surly, it was midnight, I was thrown in the deep end and all of a dither. Don't know why I posted really. Believe me that's the only action I regret about last night. My priority was to stay calm and make sure they were all well and safe.

I am not about to accuse 16 year olds of lying and insisting they give me their phones so I can call their parents. She told me she had spoken to her parents. I think sometimes you just have to show a little trust. She may well have been lying. I was too tired to have a showdown and risk her storming off back into the night.

OP posts:

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/07/2015 17:40

Wow - is getting drunk at 16 really so shocking? I was getting drunk at 16 nearly 20 sodding years ago a few years ago now and I was very much in the "uncool" kids. The cool kids were getting drunk at 14.

What you really want is for them to get extremely drunk, be very sick everywhere, leave it for them to clean up and for them to feel dreadful the next day when they are supposed to be doing something that they were looking forward to. I did that as a teenager and have been a very sensible drinker ever since. Never want to feel that ill again!

RudyMentary · 05/07/2015 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eddiemairswife · 05/07/2015 17:41

For what it's worth I think you and your son did exactly the right thing. I can't understand what all the criticism has been about.

SurlyCue · 05/07/2015 17:47

Well OP you did post and people responded, they dont have crystal balls to know that you will change your mind about posting and come to your own conclusions. I was simply pointing out that you had had those very same thoughts yourself (whether youve since changed your mind or not) which you now seem to have such a problem with.

ShuShuFontana · 05/07/2015 17:49

I bet you have the popcorn chicken nibbles that go with the pizza meal deal too!

terrible mother

no one lost their pants or slept in a doorway...i might lecture ds about collecting waifs and strays, and I might have lectured the girl about choosing her friends a little more wisely (bad form of them to lose her) but other than that I'd more than likely have done the same.

BettyCatKitten · 05/07/2015 17:49

I too think you done the right thing. At least this girl was safe. Well done op!

MrsDeVere · 05/07/2015 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlayingHouse · 05/07/2015 17:55

I was out boozing at 15.

And I really wish I hadn't been. I messed my A levels up and I didn't know my limit, I was in a few dangerous situations and was also sexually assaulted. I blamed myself for that for years.

I'm glad the clubs and pubs are stricter these days. I will not be condoning underage drinking for my daughters. I'm not naive enough to think they won't drink underage but it's nonsense to say 'I let them drink because it's safer'. My parents knew I was drinking, it didn't keep me safe.

This young clearly girl is a clear example of why underage drinking is wrong.

PlayingHouse · 05/07/2015 17:57

That should say I started underage drinking in clubs at 15 and I just drank more and more as time went on. So by the time I took my A levels I messed them up.

Jen1610 · 05/07/2015 17:57

Most 16 year olds will drink.

They will fall in to two camps though. The ones whose parents don't have a clue and the ones whose parents do.

My cousins parents and friends parents all knew they drab, allowed it, bought it for them AND allowed them to drink it at home. they'd take it in turns to go to a different friends house. The good thing about that was they knew how much they were drinking and could limit it to a reasonable amount. They could keep an eye on them and it built up a trust between them and they all knew the friends well so knwe who their kids were hanging around with.

My parents didn't know and didn't allow us to drink. so we'd go out drinking in public places as a big group. Drinking too much, some.people would get into vulnerable, daft situations or get in trouble. you'd then go home and you'd go straight to bed possibly endangering yourself, like my brother did, and end up being sick everywhere in your sleep and risk choking (he didn't because my mum heard him when going to bed)

So with that in mind I will allow my kids to drink but I will be doing what my aunt and uncle did.

op I do think I'd of at least asked the girl to.call her parents in front of me just so I knew they weren't worrying somewhere about her wondering where we was. Other than that I think what you did was the best solution.

Rifugio · 05/07/2015 18:03

Is getting drunk at 16 really so shocking?
Well i told DS 14 he could have some alcohol provided they were responsible with it, he's a very good lad (at a house party).
lots of girls are having sex at 14yrs, i had sex at 12 and wasn't pressured!
OP your DD is nearly 16! i'd let the boyfriend stay over, you did say he's a nice lad and they've been together for 3daysmonths
What am i supposed to do? keep them locked till their 18? (13yr old DD has been staying at BF house for the last 3 weeks).

These are examples of things i've read on MN over the years, does anyone else see a problem with any of these wether now or in the future or perhaps I'm just an old fuddy duddy .

Floundering · 05/07/2015 18:15

Bloody hell careful those pearls don't choke you ladies, or the underwear chafe your fanjo.

It's a fine line between treating 16yr olds as kiddies and treating them as the adults who are earning your trust. OP said the boys were merry but not so pissed they were throwing up , more than a lot of 16 yr olds do at various summer proms/ festivals / parties nationwide thus summer.

Maybe the chum she was going home with got picked up by another crowd, & the area had a bad signal
( or she was snogging her face off round the corner) and no spare money for a cab home as she lives a way off & was planning to crash at said chums for that reason.

Maybe the OP's son was having his mates over for the w/e to attend a gig / celebrate end of exams, they aren't going to stick to bloody fruitshoots all night FFS!

I'd be very grateful my daughter was safe with boys she knew , from her school than tottering round town on her own & risk getting raped down a back alley by god knows who.

Not an ideal situation for any parent but in OP's shoes, I'd do the same, & yes I'd give them all a bit of.late night stodge to line their stomachs, a few large glasses of water & a chance to suss out the situation re telling parents. You can't force them to phone home at that age. Also the parents might be out themselves!!

Difficult situation OP but good compromise........& yes be proud your son has such a good relationship with you he knows you'd be OK

JassyRadlett · 05/07/2015 18:22

Christ alive, some people on this thread.

I was something of a goody-two-shoes on the surface at school, and even I went out/to parties, especially after major exams and results.

I remember one night at nearly 17, I'd crashed at a friend's house. My dad (not the most liberal of parents in general) arrived to pick me up the next morning holding my sunglasses and a cup of coffee.

Good bloke, my dad.

Floundering · 05/07/2015 18:24

Jassy , very cool your dad!

PlayingHouse · 05/07/2015 18:24

Well if it's ok to break the alcohol law and the underage sex law, can you let me know when the line is drawn?

What laws are not allowed to be broken?

SurlyCue · 05/07/2015 18:25

I'd be very grateful my daughter was safe with boys she knew , from her school than tottering round town on her own & risk getting raped down a back alley by god knows who.

Your daughter would be at far greater risk of being raped by boys she knew than down a back alley by god knows who

Fwiw i think everything OP did was right and havent said any different. The only issue i have is with one thing she didnt do which was make sure the girl's parents knew where she was. And i do think she was a bit naive to believe the story she was given, although i'm not convinced she does believe it

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