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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

she lied about sleepover, wwyd, quick advice needed please!

65 replies

Gymbob · 24/06/2015 15:48

DD 15, said she was sleeping over at her best friends last Saturday night. just found out she wasn't there, she was at a party and got drunk. I am so cross Angry

relevant consequences, punishment, or what?

don't want to overreact, but I have no idea where she was Shock

OP posts:
ltk · 24/06/2015 15:53

Now that you know she is not trustworthy, that is the end for now of the freedom to go on sleepovers and be trusted when she tells you where she is going. Have you asked her about it yet?

Reginafalangie · 24/06/2015 15:53

Punishment for lying and a punishment for drinking.

Remove phone for a week and take away Internet or draw up a list of chores to be done for a week.

I wouldn't tolerate lying like that anything could have happened. Also any future sleep over contact with the parents to confirm she is there should be the rule.

Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 15:55

thanks for the speedy reply!

no, she's not home from school yet. Is grounding at the weekend and taking her phone too much do you think?

OP posts:
Soundofsettling · 24/06/2015 15:57

So she misled you,
Lied,
Put herself at risk,
Didn't know her boundaries and got drunk,
Didn't keep you in the loop about any of it and I take it you heard about it from a third party?

To be honest a straight punishment isn't going to be enough to cover all those bases, for me she'd have to explain herself on everyone of those points, describe how she would behave in future and build trust back up.

Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 15:58

thanks reg. I'd only just stopped ringing the other mum to check she was there! her friend is in trouble too, as she told her mum they were at mine Shock

OP posts:
Reginafalangie · 24/06/2015 15:59

I don't think grounding at the weekend is enough tbh.

Sound makes a really good point.

ltk · 24/06/2015 15:59

Grounding and taking phone is not too much. But she needs to feel the consequence of lying which is a lack of trust and freedom.

Soundofsettling · 24/06/2015 16:00

With the punishment - ask her what a suitable consequence would be, if its not harsh enough, say so - at least if she whinges about it, its her idea in the first place.

Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 16:00

she did all of those sound, you are right. I'm even more cross now.

the phone and internet is going for starters

OP posts:
usualsuspect333 · 24/06/2015 16:01

Would you have allowed her to go to the party if she had asked?

Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 16:03

I found out about it from her private Facebook messages. think I might get slated now (dons hard hat) Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 16:06

yes I think I would have allowed her, but last time she went to one I rang the mum to ask about alcohol. she was so angry I did that, she said they would all know she had an over the top mother Confused obviously she didn't want a repeat of that

OP posts:
Soundofsettling · 24/06/2015 16:09

The only thing I'd be cautious of is ridiculous escalation where if you come down so hard, she just starts running off and doing her own thing in the evening regardless.

If you give her very clear what is OK (going to a party) what is negotiable ( staying out later than normal), what can happen if she shows more maturity (consuming alcohol with trusted friends in a safe way) and what is not tolerated (misleading and lying) - that sets the groundwork for the next three years ish.

BitterChocolate · 24/06/2015 16:11

I think I would tell my child that they have lost my trust and that I will be checking up on their whereabouts regularly and may stop her from overnight or late-night outings until my trust is regained. I will decide when I trust her again, not her, and the more that she nags and strops the longer it will take for my trust to come back. I would also insist that I be able to check up on arrangements for things, which might involve being shown a text or Fb conversation about the event, both before and after.

Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 16:12

really good advice sound, thanks x

OP posts:
chaiselounger · 24/06/2015 16:12

Agreed.
Also, This is going to crop up again if you don't deal with the issue of you phoning the mother re alcohol at the party. You need to find a solution to that bit aswell.

Soundofsettling · 24/06/2015 16:12

It's a bugger you found out like that, I'd be tempted to not disclose how I found out more " what did you expect? When you lie it always comes out eventually! So who provided you with alcohol?"

wannaBe · 24/06/2015 16:17

grounding for a weekend and removal of phone wouldn't be enough.

At fifteen she is still a child. She would be made to talk about the potential consequences of her behavior, lying, putting herself at risk, getting drunk.... At this point in my house she would be grounded until the school holidays for the lying. She would have phone/internet removed for at least a week.

I don't buy into the notion that we need to be careful in case they rebelle more. Too harsh would be abusive behavior, but phone/internet/being allowed on sleepovers are privilages not rights. If you abuse those privilages you lose them. the end.

Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 16:18

you're dead right there chaise, I wouldn't mind in the end she didn't want any alcohol at the last party.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 16:21

I won't disclosing my source sound, but she should be able to guess. her private messages are a veritable feast as always. found out a real massive biggie through them a few weeks ago. police involved etc!

OP posts:
FriendofBill · 24/06/2015 16:22

Don't wade in giving punishments.
I would talk about someone telling you in confidence because they were worried.
Ask her why she felt she couldn't tell you. Why it isn't a good idea to be young/drunk where no one knows where you are.
How can she assure you she will not to do it again, that you don't want to punish her but are concerned.

If you wade in, she may rebel, you may lose her.

Soundofsettling · 24/06/2015 16:23

Oh no wannabe removal of phone etc I wouldn't consider in any way over the top.

Id say it depends on the kid, but things like humiliating her in front of friends, publicly airing her mistakes and anything involving embarrassment is probably going to cause more harm than good.

wannaBe · 24/06/2015 16:23

if she has been involved in things where the police are involved I would be seriously curtailing her freedom until such time as she starts to learn some responsibility.

Have you spoken to friend's mum? What consequences is the friend likely to face? Perhaps you could collaborate.

Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 16:25

wanna, I agree totally with you, though not sure I could stand grounding til the hols. perish the thought Grin

it seems that I may have the go ahead for removal of all privileges, although wherever you all are, you will hear the howling and cage rattling at about 5 30 Hmm

OP posts:
Maroonie · 24/06/2015 16:27

Depends what you want to achieve? A punishment won't help fix that she is keeping secrets from you and putting herself at risk.
It's more likely to make her hide more and not come to you for help if she needed it for fear of a punishment.