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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

she lied about sleepover, wwyd, quick advice needed please!

65 replies

Gymbob · 24/06/2015 15:48

DD 15, said she was sleeping over at her best friends last Saturday night. just found out she wasn't there, she was at a party and got drunk. I am so cross Angry

relevant consequences, punishment, or what?

don't want to overreact, but I have no idea where she was Shock

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wannaBe · 24/06/2015 16:28

"If you wade in, she may rebel, you may lose her." IMO threats like that aren't at all helpful and are partly the reason why so many kids have too little discipline, because of this fear that being authorative may mean the child rebels and is lost.....

I agree with sound that humiliation in front of her friends wouldn't be the answer, but children, even teens who are growing up to know their own minds, still need boundaries, and at fifteen she is a child and if she can't be responsible, which clearly she can't, then the adults in her life need to be responsible for her until she learns.

And at fifteen if she is involved in activity which involves the police, illegal under age drinking, untrustworthy behavior etc then she has lost the right to privacy. But as things stand she would be losing her internet anyway for a time so fb wouldn't be on her agenda for a good while.......

Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 16:29

I can't liaise with friends mum and collaborate as she is a different nationality and things in her house are done in alternative ways shall we say Blush

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Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 16:30

so what do you suggest maroonie?

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FriendofBill · 24/06/2015 16:32

This looks ok.
Different perspective.

wannaBe · 24/06/2015 16:37

nope, she needs to know her actions have consequences. Too much fear of what will happen if dc not punished rather than how they will learn if they are. In my house we have a very firm rule. Nothing is insurmountable. Doesn't matter what you've done, if you tell me about it then we can talk it through. You may be in trouble, and there may be consequences, but if I find out that you've lied to me the consequences for lying alone will be far greater than the consequences for whatever it is you've done. Plus, if you have a habit of lying to me and you do get into genuine trouble, i will be unable to back you up if you need my support but you have a history of not telling me the truth.

I believe I am fair, but I am the adult and the parent. I will not be held to randsome with the threat of losing my child purely because I am acting as a parent. Children need to know that.

I wouldn't say my way is fail-safe - it isn't, and I'm not quite at the going out and drinking stage yet. But I believe firmly that there need to be those boundaries and that children actually prefer the boundaries over unchallenged freedom.

usualsuspect333 · 24/06/2015 16:42

I agree with maroonie. Punishments won't stop her being secretive. In fact if she finds out you have read her private messages, chances are she will become even more secretive.

You need to encourage her to be more open with you, not less.

FriendofBill · 24/06/2015 16:44

You can be the adult and parent without being authoritarian.

spiderlight · 24/06/2015 16:45

This was doing the rounds on Facebook earlier - might make her think twice about getting drunk:

atchuup.com/mom-wrote-daughters-facebook/

Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 16:55

have just watched that friendofbill, I do get it, and I will try not to demand 'why' when she gets in.

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Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 16:58

wow spider, scary stuff. of course my DD knows what she's doing

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Soundofsettling · 24/06/2015 17:00

On the positive side, she is in one piece - I'd give her a chance to say how she found the party, what she would have done if the mood at the party changed, what activites would have made her uncomfortable, what she would have done, how she got home safely.

Get to the bottom of went well (" I'm glad you had a good time, that it was only friends from school"). And then address what didn't go well, (" but you were walking home alone and you lost track of your friend part way through the night, what kinds of things can happen, how would you do it in future? I may not have answered my phone so who else would you call if you saw something happen?)

I'd tailor her punishment to the responses.

Also- get some food into both of you before you talk no one is reasonable when they're hungry Grin

Hope the talk goes well!

FriendofBill · 24/06/2015 17:03

Can you do it as a team?
How can we make this right?
How can we both be happy?
Find the compromise.
Taking phone etc. will be hellish for her.

Ask her what she is prepared to do to make it right. What steps can she take?
Does she genuinely think this behaviour is ok? What can she change? What can you change?
Try and get communication going.
If she won't talk, you might have to say that until you reach an agreement/understanding that you can't allow her free time because of trust.

Just a few ideas.
Good luck with it.

Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 17:04

thanks sound. it seems they didn't stay at the hosts house, she was asking around on fb for somewhere to stay after the party Shock

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Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 17:08

I know taking the phone will be hellish, but she only cares about that and money, oh and make up. nothing else will have any effect.... oh and junk food....

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Soundofsettling · 24/06/2015 17:16

There's a positive! She was sober enough to ask!

I bet youd prefer she came home unexpectedly worse for wear than spend the night on a random sofa.

If she cares about how she appears, that's the kind of thing she needs to plan in advance of going out.

Teenagers are crap at planning.

Punishment, she needs to do a household chores that requires an element of staged planning I.e. repainting garden fences means looking up what to do online,preparing woodwork, organising materials, organising lifts to buy pai t etc

Soundofsettling · 24/06/2015 17:17

Sorry that last post doesn't read right - hope you got the gist of it!

Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 17:43

did you hear the yelling? I fucking hate you, you bitch, why are you trying to ruin my life etc. she tried to blackmail me, if you take my devices i can't handle it, and you know what I'll do, so you obviously don't care about me. she means cutting, we were only in a & e 4 weeks ago.

I said I do care, I love you, she said fuck off.

went well didn't it

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Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 17:44

she was necking cider, oh and the parents of the 15 year old host were in, she says Shock

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Soundofsettling · 24/06/2015 18:35

Ah crap Sad

Have you got any support around the cutting? Any help from her school?

So sorry it didn't go well.

Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 18:39

yeah, thanks, the cutting is another story. school involved, camhs, etc

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sliceofsoup · 24/06/2015 18:45

I lied about a sleepover at 15, told my mum I was going to a friends. I don't want to go into details, but I went somewhere else, and I was raped.

Never told my mum, or anyone. But it still affects me over a decade later.

I have no advice really, but really bad shit can happen, and does happen.

Original poster
Gymbob · 24/06/2015 19:10

omg slice, that's terrible, I'm so sorry Thanks

thanks so much for sharing, it makes me think I am not overreacting.

I'm a bit concerned for you though and that you may not have received the help you should have. great big virtual hugs to you xxx

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sliceofsoup · 24/06/2015 19:23

Thanks, its ok, I am seeing a counsellor now, so am dealing with it all slowly.

Its really tough to know what to do with teens, I don't have teens yet, but a relative is having real trouble with one of their daughters, and it is so difficult to know how to deal with it.

You are definitely not over reacting. I hope you can get through to your DD somehow. Flowers

AnyFucker · 24/06/2015 19:29

my dd did something similar when she was 15

we came down hard

lljkk · 24/06/2015 19:33

Trying to imagine this happening with us, it's all too plausible. Hormones have kicked in heavily for DD (13) & her frontal lobes have checked out. DS is 15 but seems more sensible than most (weird, I know, he is still a PITA).

Money... it would all come down to money. We would stop paying for DD's phone or DS;s outings & they have to sit up & take notice of the message we're giving to get those things back, no matter how much they protest.

I've had a few debates this week with my small DS about how it's my job to make him into a better person even if he hates me for it.

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