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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Could you forgive this?

61 replies

wannabslim · 05/06/2015 18:54

Im going to keep this VERY brief.
My son has been seeing his gf since xmas. she is slightly younger than him. he is 16, and she turned 16 in March.......or thats what we all thought!!!!!
We found out in May that she had actually turned 14 in March!!!!
My son was gutted, I was fuming!!!!!
After many many arguements and lots of lies from her, he nevertheless is still with her! He is aware of the consequences and he knows I will NEVER speak to her again, but my reasoning is, is that if I try to stop him seeing her, it will push him even more towards her.
Like I said, this is a very brief tale about whats gone on and there have been other lies that she has told that ive found out about (through texting her mother and her own mother telling me she lies)
My question is, Could you ever forgive this girl, or at least get along with her for his sake?
Many thanks for your responses x

OP posts:

ssd · 05/06/2015 18:56

if you will never speak to her again because she lied about her age, whats going to happen when you come up against real issues with your son?

mrsdavidbowie · 05/06/2015 18:56

Are they having sex?

Original poster

wannabslim · 05/06/2015 19:02

yes they are having sex

ssd....like i said, this is brief, there is so much more thats got on. he got into a fight with her ex, and spent a night in the cell for it, she lied about losing a baby, which was never even there. My son was in an absolute state, so this is a real issue as he has harmed himself over it

OP posts:

MistressChalk · 05/06/2015 19:02

Your son needs to step away immediately and cut contact. There's a big difference between 13-16 and she probably thinks she's grown up enough to pass for 16 but the fact she lied shows how immature she is. And yes teenagers lie about sex, all the more reason to make sure your son isn't in contact with her. I think you need to very carefully and explicitly explain this to him.

Original poster

wannabslim · 05/06/2015 19:06

weve been through all the talks, the consequences, everything. I think he thinks im just trying to ruin his life.
we do talk openly about whats going on, but i think he is just blinded by her and ive seen how she manipulates him when he attempts to go out with his friends...to the point where hes cancelled a few times. i know when shes texting him as his mood changes, and its so sad to see......i wish he could see it

OP posts:

LIZS · 05/06/2015 19:06

In what circumstances did they meet yet he didn't know her age. Her friends , family , ex ? Are you sure he wasn't aware? Maybe offer some diversion to encourage him to spend some time separately.

bikeandrun · 05/06/2015 19:10

How could he not know her age, at least roughly- assuming she goes to school, is he pulling the wool over your eyes?

MistressChalk · 05/06/2015 19:10

Does he realises he's committed a very serious crime and will ruin his own life? I'm not trying to be harsh, I know teenagers aren't the most logical creatures but he needs to see how serious this is.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/06/2015 19:10

She is just 14 and a child IMO. A clearly disturbed one but a child nonetheless. There are v good reasons she shouldn't be having sex and either she is extremely stupid, malicious or attention seeking with no real understanding of the consequences for your son.

He needs to walk away or deal with no sex for two years IMO.

Original poster

wannabslim · 05/06/2015 19:11

they met on facebook! her family dont speak much english, but she is very fluent and interprets for them. he has since said that he had been told that she was younger but this was her ex and i think as there had been alot of trouble from him, he refused to believe him.
i do arrange things so that he spends less time with her, much to his dislike sometimes

OP posts:

Doobydoo · 05/06/2015 19:13

Condoms and the pill !!!!! If they are not going to listen. At least this.

LIZS · 05/06/2015 19:13

Sorry pretty sure he would have known her age from FB , they probably have mutual friends. Have met her family?

Doobydoo · 05/06/2015 19:14

Also what Mistress said. Very serious

Original poster

wannabslim · 05/06/2015 19:14

he genuinely didnt know her age as i saw his response, and the state of him after he found out (he was with me when he found out)
She told him she was in her last year, and as hes at college, he wouldnt have seen her in school as they had gone to different schools anyway.
I never even guessed she was 14 as she did look older, due to make up obviously!

OP posts:

Original poster

wannabslim · 05/06/2015 19:16

she has the implant....as my son isnt her first boyfriend!

And no....her age on FB is 16

OP posts:

MistressChalk · 05/06/2015 19:16

Doobydoo if they can't see that they are breaking the law by having sex (and he could be sent to prison for that) then I wouldn't hold my breath on them being sensible enough for contraception! I'd worry it would be seen as the OP giving consent to the relationship if she said that.

Justusemyname · 05/06/2015 19:18

You are the parent. It's time to step up. He is a complete idiot to carry on seeing her. Being so critical of her wont help though.

BewilderedAndAngry · 05/06/2015 19:19

I don't think that you should think too much about whether or not to 'forgive' this girl - it sounds like she is pretty messed up and very vulnerable.

I'd be terrified if one of my sons were involved in a situation you describe, but you have to acknowledge that you have NO control over what she does and v little over what your DS does. So very scary and hard and I am sorry you have to deal with this.

I think other than having non-accusatory conversations with your DS about that what he is doing is a criminal offence and could haunt him for the rest of his life etc, there's not much you can do other than hope that his attention will be diverted by somebody else very soon.

You say he's self-harmed over this - has he been to see his GP? Been referred for support? Get professional agencies on board, don't carry it all on your own.

MistressChalk · 05/06/2015 19:21

She has lied about other things OP, how do you know she has the implant? She sounds terribly troubled and her just shows that she is a child. Do her parents know she is sexually active?

Justusemyname · 05/06/2015 19:22

He should be using condoms for all the obvious reasons.

Original poster

wannabslim · 05/06/2015 19:22

The only thing i say is i wont speak to her as he knows how i feel about liars! i have purposely not slated her as i know this will push him too her even more, and im not naive enough to think that if i forbid him from seeing her, that he wont actually see her. He has told me he has split from her several times due to how she is, Im hoping this will soon come to an end

OP posts:

MistressChalk · 05/06/2015 19:23

Her behaviour*

BewilderedAndAngry · 05/06/2015 19:26

Gosh, yes, I'd worry about whether the implant was a lie too.
Please speak to him about condoms - I hope he uses them.

Would you consider threatening him with speaking to the police?
He is committing a criminal offence - in practice the judicial system very rarely takes an interest when the age difference is small and both involved are young, but it might make him sit up and take notice?

If he split up from her before, why on earth did he go back?!

dinoswore · 05/06/2015 19:26

In answer to your question OP, yes I would try to get on with her for the sake of keeping the relationship in clear sight. Otherwise, when it all goes tits up again, he may not feel able to turn to you.

Original poster

wannabslim · 05/06/2015 19:27

bewilderedAndAngry yes i have other agencies involved due to self harming. thank you for your message...you hit the nail right on the head with what you said.

mistresschalkI felt the implant in her arm as i pretended i didnt know what it felt like when she told me, and yes they know she is

OP posts:

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