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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Could you forgive this?

61 replies

wannabslim · 05/06/2015 18:54

Im going to keep this VERY brief.
My son has been seeing his gf since xmas. she is slightly younger than him. he is 16, and she turned 16 in March.......or thats what we all thought!!!!!
We found out in May that she had actually turned 14 in March!!!!
My son was gutted, I was fuming!!!!!
After many many arguements and lots of lies from her, he nevertheless is still with her! He is aware of the consequences and he knows I will NEVER speak to her again, but my reasoning is, is that if I try to stop him seeing her, it will push him even more towards her.
Like I said, this is a very brief tale about whats gone on and there have been other lies that she has told that ive found out about (through texting her mother and her own mother telling me she lies)
My question is, Could you ever forgive this girl, or at least get along with her for his sake?
Many thanks for your responses x

OP posts:

Report

chippednailvarnish · 05/06/2015 19:28

Difficult one, do you think he would listen if one of his teachers sat him down and spelt out the consequences to him?
Teenagers aren't known for listening to their parents...

wannabslim · 05/06/2015 19:31

bewilderedAndAngry the police are aware as it was them who revealed her age to us. And apparanetly he can only get in trouble if she makes a complaint against him

OP posts:

Doobydoo · 05/06/2015 19:35

Agree again Mistress. Also re implant...... How does he know? Very tricky op and i feel for you

Georgethesecond · 05/06/2015 19:37

Well she may very well make a complaint about him if they fall out, so he is very vulnerable isn't he.

BewilderedAndAngry · 05/06/2015 19:42

What George said - please point this out to him.

Keep lines of communication open to all involved, including authorities.

BearFoxBear · 05/06/2015 19:48

This happened to my dh when he was a teenager and his girlfriend lied about being on the pill too. He now has a ds and a whole shocking story around her family supporting her lies (to the point of having an 18th birthday party for her to keep the pretence up) and a question around whether the ds he's been paying for all these years is actually his.

You need to tell your ds that there could be life changing repercussions to this. Don't ban them from seeing each other as you know what might happen there, but you need to give it to him straight.

GatoradeMeBitch · 05/06/2015 19:51

Screenshot her FB profile and keep any evidence that she was lying about her age, just in case.

AtWorkNotW0rking · 05/06/2015 19:52

Well she's a young girl so I don't think I'd be directing my wrath at her now. You also sound extremely involved in all is - speaking to her mother / family / her etc. I think it's time you backed away from all of that side of things.

If this was my son, then that is where my focus would lie. With him. All you can do is express how you feel, state the facts to him and do as much as you possibly can to bring this to an end without alienating him, sky in may need to tread softly. I wouldn't allow her in your home if I were you, I'd do nothing to condone this relationship.

It'll fizzle out because these things always do but I appreciate that it's tricky at the moment

Monkay · 05/06/2015 20:11

As the mother of a 16 year old boy, and thus very concerned for the situation you find yourself in.

I also vote for being able to see what is occurring, regain your sons trust and DO NOT make threats of the police or social services.

Talk, Talk, Talk... with honesty but without becoming emotional.

MistressChalk · 05/06/2015 20:36

OP how about a different angle? This girl obviously has a few issues, possibly at home if her parents enable her behaviour or possibly just because being a teenager is tougher for some...why don't you sit down and talk to her alone without your son? Bear in mind she's a child and doesn't know what she's doing. She may very well care for your son now but grow up to really regret her actions and also resent him for, and I'll be blunt, abusing her when she was underage and vulnerable. Perhaps if you talk to her kindly you can help her see what she is doing is damaging to her and others and that she can confide in you?

MistressChalk · 05/06/2015 20:39

Sorry I wrote that and realised it sounds awfully harsh against your son who I'm sure is just completely love struck and foolish and his actions aren't malicious. But in the eyes of the law that is what he's doing. And she may really regret letting him do it when she's older, there are reasons the legal age of consent is 16 and it's because of this...because we all grow up and our perceptions change.

Bakeoffcake · 05/06/2015 20:49

Although the girl lied initially your son has decided to carry on having sex with a minor.

That has to be your main concern at the moment. He's breaking the law and at the very least will end up on the sex offenders register, which will affect his life for the foreseeable future.

LIZS · 05/06/2015 20:55

What course is he studying? Could any cautions or, worse, prosecutions, jeopardise his future? He really needs to understand the potential implications. If things turned sour she could make a complaint even if apparently compliant now. Is she perhaps already known to ss or vulnerable ?

abearcalledpaddington · 05/06/2015 21:02

Im pretty sure that it is not classed as statutory rape unless the older person is over 18. So all those who are saying he should be worried about going to prison should maybe stop jumping to conclusions.

BewilderedAndAngry · 05/06/2015 21:10

"Statutatory rape' does not exist in the UK as an offence AFAIK.

And he won't end up on the sex offenders register either, but he is committing a criminal offence. He is very unlikely to be convicted of anything due to the circumstances. The Crown Prosecution is very unlikely to take on a case of 2 teenagers having sex.

MistressChalk · 05/06/2015 21:12

But Paddington it is still illegal however lenient the law may be in his case. If she makes a complaint, he could be in a lot more trouble and have his name out on the sex offenders register. Happened to a boy at my school and it really screwed his life up.

BewilderedAndAngry · 05/06/2015 21:13

Oh yes, it is illegal which is why I'd be quite happy to put the fear of God (or rather the Law) into him. Anything to avoid having to deal with an pregnancy tbh.

bgottalent · 05/06/2015 21:16

OP this is really disturbing. you have to put deterrents in the way of your ds seeing this girl for his own sake and possible consequences. It's far to serious an issue for you to ignore. She could make a complaint at any time now or in the future and your son would be in dire trouble.

ragged · 05/06/2015 21:23

They must stop having sex. TBH that would be my over-riding worry and the only one I would harp at my son about in that situation. Stay together fine, but pants stay on etc. Where have they been able to go to do the deed?

It's too dangerous for him (SOR & pregnancy, and obviously totally wrong for her too, but OP can't take responsibility for both). Where are her parents in this picture?

Bakeoffcake · 05/06/2015 21:34

Bewildered, there has been a case local to me where the boy has been arrested and charged over sleeping with an underage girlfriend. She is 14 he is 18.

BewilderedAndAngry · 05/06/2015 21:36

Yes, he is 18. Different ball game entirely as far as the law goes.
The OP's son is 16, she is 14 - it is not legal and should not happen, but the law is unlikely to take an interest.
Like I said, that would not stop me from discussing a criminal record that will haunt him forever and will affect his life choices with my son.

mathanxiety · 06/06/2015 07:01

If the police revealed her age to your son then you need to stop him from seeing her immediately. You need to read him the riot act.

You need to make it clear that if he chooses to disobey you then you are not going to bail him out either literally or figuratively when he gets in deep and lasting trouble over this, which he will.

You need to forget about gestures of coldness or disapproval towards this girl and deal only with your son and make him deal with the mess he has got himself into. It is far too easy to blame the girl in situations like this.

They cannot have sex ever again until she is 16 and verifiably so. In order to counter any he said /she said issue as to whether they have sex, they have to stop seeing each other.

== Bakeoffcake Fri 05-Jun-15 20:49:33
Although the girl lied initially your son has decided to carry on having sex with a minor.
That has to be your main concern at the moment. He's breaking the law and at the very least will end up on the sex offenders register, which will affect his life for the foreseeable future.

This ^^

Bollocks to 'she has a hold on him'.
He is doing his thinking with his dick.

I am guessing he never used condoms either, because 'she is on the implant'.

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mathanxiety · 06/06/2015 07:03

And it's not just him disobeying you.

The police have given your son the strongest hint they possibly can give that he must stop this now.

NameChange30 · 06/06/2015 07:14

What mathanxiety said.
Plus, your son needs an STI test.

DelphiniumBlue · 06/06/2015 07:14

Please don't think that the police won't take action against him, or that no action is possible without a complaint from her. He is committing an offence if he continues to have sex with her , particularly as he clearly knows she is underage.
A boy I knew was sent to prison for exactly this - he was 17, she was 15.5. Don't think it can't happen.

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