14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

[lincolnshirelassy]

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

Lincolnshirelassy - just to put my tuppence in from a mother of a DS 14.

She is 14 (not 12 or 13 which would have been more of an issue), she is taking pre-cautions (condoms and the pill), she is in a relationship and with a long term boyfriend who seems respectful. They both sound sensible to me. There are supportive adults around. I don't see a huge problem with this situation...

I probably wouldn't have this attitude if it was my own son or daughter, but from the outside, I think you are doing the right thing by supporting your daughter to get the pill if this is something she has really thought through.

I would keep the relationship with your daughter open, honest and respectful. Children do grow up earlier than we did (puberty starts sooner), and although we don't want 14 year olds to be having sex, if they are already in a sexual relationship with a long term partner, then there is very little really you can do about it.

Some parents on here seem to have children they can just 'tell them what to do and they will obey', this is not a reality for many of us. Therefore we must sometimes accept that our children make choices that we are not comfortable with, and try and work with them to help them make the decisions that are right for them. Other times we need to accept/let them make mistakes and learn from natural the consequences they create.

In serious issues such as teenage pregnancies etc. however it can be really difficult to decide when to enforce rules/forbid and restrict activities, as they can backfire and make the situation worse than it originally was.

Good luck with it all

I agree with HeartofGold, and with her prescription for keeping the DD busy and letting them both know you disapprove of the sexual relationship. I have never seen teen relationships as a question of hard and fast rules, just a constant drip drip of propaganda and constant encouragement to participate in extra curricular activities and sports and helping out at home and volunteering, and reminders of what is important -- how they are doing in school, along with encouragement of their emotional development via good solid platonic friendships.

The BF is using your DD, and the sexual relationship is a crutch, judging from your description of his home life. Dad is divorced form his mother, divorcing his step mother, drinks, has a poor relationship with him -- boy falls into the arms of a girl whose mother puts up with him slavering over her in her own home and allows the pair of them to spend time in her bedroom together. It is too easy to take the shortcut past dealing with a difficult home situation by throwing yourself head first into a sexual relationship.

Math, bf's dad did not divorce his mother, as I said earlier up the thread he is a widower, she died of breast cancer some years ago.

I agree she needs keeping busy so the relationship doesn't become the be all and end all but she is- cheerleading, volunteer swimming coach to younger kids, dance, athletics etc etc she has her head screwed on at school and returns excellent results. If she didn't I would be putting my foot down. She knows I believe she must have lots of activities and she does.

I don't believe bf is using my daughter one bit. They seem on equal terms to me. If I believed he was he would not be allowed near her under any circumstances.

Alvah thank you

Well that makes all the difference

I think a 16 yo boy who slavers over his gf in her home with her parent present has crossed several lines very fast. There is something sort of off about that particular detail. Most teen boys are a bit more circumspect around the parents of their GFs. It bespeaks a certain lack of a sense of propriety or boundaries.

He may not be using her cynically or knowingly, but I would say he is using her all the same. Sex with a nice gf is such a self-esteem booster, so exciting, so much more pleasant than dealing with a home life where your father drinks and your step mother and step siblings are leaving your life and there is upheaval with your younger gay brother. I would say he drifted into this sexual relationship out of a desire to escape.

Op: there are some pearl cluchers on here.

I think maybe their daughters will keep their relationships a secret.

I think your attitude is fine. Your DD is in a relationship with a nice lad, she's not in the park getting pissed on cider and shagging a different lad every night or week as even some naice girls do.

You so all know that you don't need a bedroom to have sex, especially when you're young.

It's a little scathing to suggest that those of us who have managed to bring up girls who neither sleep around or get pissed on cider in parks or have sex with a regular boyfriend at fourteen are not the norm.

Math your last 2 posts have had me in stitches.......that is the biggest load of crap I have ever read.

These two teenagers are having sex because that is the way two people show love and affection in a relationship and they are horny. Nothing more.

You sound like a very bad arm chair psychologist

Math I've respectfully read all your posts up until now and you have talked a certain amount of sense but I agree with Regina the last two were nonsense. You've made a few sweeping assumptions about the bf's family which you can't possibly know to be true and added you own psychological analysis onto them as Regina says..

'your father drinks'
yes he does, not vodka for breakfast or anything like that, but just a little too much in the evenings IMO, I'm sure we all know people like this and we are trying to help him. He has not had an easy life, he provides for his children, works hard and is doing his best, albeit it not being good enough at the moment. he's our friend, and I don't just abandon friends in need

'your step mother and step siblings are leaving your life'
Totally wrong. Why would you assume this? As I mentioned earlier up the thread step mum lives two minutes walk away from them and pops in nearly every day. The step siblings are in fact half siblings and spend time with their older brother every weekend and several times in the week'

'and there is upheaval with your younger gay brother'
Again, why would you make this assumption? There is zero upheaval, the family couldn't care a less what his sexuality is, he is close to his older brother and his Dad and is Head Boy, he's about as well balanced as you get IMO.

It's really is crap to say he's entered into a relationship with my daughter because he is some sort of needy damaged child. He's a teenager with raging hormones and he's mad about her, and her him. Simple as that.

I'm a mother of four daughters aged 13 up to 25. I have taught them that two people who love each other and are teenagers do not show love, affection or respect to each other by allowing their hornyness or their raging hormones to get the better of them. Nor do they use others to fill their needs. One of the teens here is only 14. Having a sexual relationship with her is the opposite of showing love and affection in my book. I do not know a single parent in my social circle who feels differently about this.

A 16 year old boy who slavers over his girlfriend to the extent that it has made you notice and silently object is someone who has no sense of propriety, which is an old fashioned word associated with the more modern concept of having a sense of boundaries. Something has gone wrong in the upbringing or development of this teen for him to behave like that in your home. You don't owe him or his family any salve or help for their problems. You owe your DD a mother who is looking out for her best interests.

If people can be taught not to fart or burp loudly in the presence of others and only to pee or poo in the loo then they can be taught not to slaver over the object of their affections so much that it is noticeable, and to hold off on the sexual expressions of affection until they are old enough to be responsible for the possible consequences of sex. Just because physical aspects of our lives are natural does not mean we can or should all fire ahead and do whatever we feel the urge to in all circumstances.

I had sex with my bf when I was 14. I was with him for another year before it fizzled out, can now count my sexual partners on one hand and have been happily married for almost 25 years.

Throughout the relationship I maintained friendships, engaged in family life and extra curricular activities and achieved good results academically.

Looking back now I do not regret it one bit - it was an equal relationship, we loved each other and had lots of fun doing something that we just didn't see as morally wrong at all.

We sorted out contraception ourselves because I couldn't talk to my mum, and she still thinks I was a virgin until I met DH. She would have said everything mathanxiety has said on this thread, so I just didn't tell her.

IMO the parents whose DC do not investigate sex at a young age, say 14-16 are naive or lucky. I wasn't interested in boys until I met my bf, and then suddenly I was. If I hadn't met him I would've been 20 before I lost my virginity and I could congratulate myself on being a 'good girl'.

Keep doing what you're doing OP, talk to her, keep her safe but don't make her feel like she's doing something shameful. That's the way to therapy. I still don't talk to my mum about anything important now.

Math- There is nothing 'gone wrong' with with the development of a 16 year old boy having feelings for a 14 year old. This is about two young people in a long term relationship which has moved onto another stage of intimacy, which is right for them at this time. If it was not right for OP's daughter, I believe the keeping an open trusting relationship would keep her much safer, as she could talk to her about her concerns.

You are using unpleasant words for a completely natural development, a 16 year old feeling the push of raging hormones is displaying a healthier development than a teen seeing sexual feelings and urges as something be ashamed of, in my opinion.

We need to focus on the positive sides of relationships for our young people, to give them the best possible opportunities to develop healthy emotions and physical relationships. That does not mean to teach them that sexual feelings are shameful, but to focus on the importance of respect and care within intimate relationships.

Every 14 year old is different, and some may be absolutely fine in an intimate loving relationship.

It's such a ridiculous argument to say lots of 14 year olds are having sex so I have to accept mine is.

She could report him to the police and make his life hell if he upsets her.

Maybe if everyone lived by the law and took responsibility children wouldn't be having sex illegally.

(Expects ridiculous flaming but I will just say this. I hope the OPs daughter doesn't live to regret this and everything works out fine but bottom line, her boyfriend is breaking the law and if the Op genuinely likes himsurelymshe should be concerned for him too.

Thanks Alvah that was maybe what I wanted to say but couldn't articulate it. Just of course I am concerned for the boyfriend too, which is why they have both been sat down by me and explained I am supportive if they need me but I do have rules which I do nit expect them to flout. So far this has worked. And if you're honestly suggesting I'm not taking responsibility for my daughter I'm speechless. As for living by the law, well yes of course we all should, but as a teenager did you never have a drink before you were 18, a cigarette before you are 16, have you never had a speeding ticket? Not that I'm comparing this to our situation but that sentence sounded just a touch sanctimonious IMO

Justusemyname - according to the last British National Survey of Sexual Attitudes, 30% of men and 26% of women have full sex before they are 16. I expect the statistic would be much higher if we took non-penetrative sexual contact into account. That's a lot of criminals.

But I don't think anyone is saying that it's ok because 'everyone is doing it' or that breaking the law isn't important, but rather that - once a parent realises it's happening, almost certainly against their wishes and to their utter disappointment - it is better to be supportive and approachable, to maintain discourse and to preserve a respectful relationship with your child within which you can seek to advise and influence.

The alternative is to forbid the relationship, supervise closely at all times and induce feelings of shame. All of which is unlikely to work for long.

For anyone congratulating themselves on bringing up a child with sufficient sense to avoid early sex - there is an excellent chance your child is concealing it, but more likely they haven't yet met someone that they'd like to experience it with. Not that they've been sorely tempted but abstained due to your wise guidance ringing in their ears.

The National Survey of Sexual Attitudes is also recognised as being something that you take with a pinch of salt - young people are notorious for expanding on what they have and haven't done, as we all know.

The slavering thing is weird - the majority of teens I know (including my own) would rather not do anything like that in front of their parents, so I agree with math in questioning the boundaries that have been in place for years. However, it's happening - so I would make it clear that there are rules (no closed bedroom doors, no slavering in my presence etc) and keep them busy - homework, friends, family etc before boyfriend.

Can I just clarify the 'slavering' issue? Yes I used that word but what I mean he is very cuddly with her on the sofa, stroking hair, holding hands etc. There isn't any groping or anything in front of me- I wouldn't stand for that.

Ah ok - thanks for clarifying that

I didn't say there was something wrong with having feelings. That is perfectly normal and acceptable and even sweet. What is askew is that he demonstrates this in his girlfriend's house in front of her parents.

My thoughts on this have nothing to do with my DDs being 'good girls' or me having some investment in the notion that my they are 'virgins'. I don't care about virginity or reputations. What I want to see is teens whose priority is getting into good universities and that is what I see here. They are very busy. I don't preach at them or rant about sex or relationships, and shame doesn't come into it. They have understood that their goal in these years is to give themselves a chance to go on to third level education and they have a lot of fun in their sports. The older ones still have many friends they made in school as teens, boys and girls alike. At age 14 they were very occupied with stuff like Geometry, Chemistry, History, English Lit, volleyball, badminton, water polo..

They are very committed to school and their extra curricular activities. All of them who have so far gone to university have got into and some out of very selective institutions, and they have done so by doing homework for at least five hours a night on top of sports five days a week, with meets thrown in maybe twice a week. They do/did not have the time to maintain a BF/GF relationship -- I know where they are pretty much 24/7.

I don't agree (naturally) with those who hint that teens are hiding something and their parents think they are not having sex if all seems quiet on the western front. It is entirely possible to have a solid, open and honest relationship with your teen who is not having sex.

'very cuddly with her on the sofa, stroking hair, holding hands'
That is too much by way of PDA imo.

'the Dad is worry, not just because he isn't really in a place where he can parent his son at the moment but also because he is our friend. But I have tried to help and get him help, but if he refuses to acknowledge he needs it I'm stuck. Luckily the older boys stepmum is also a good friend and lives just a few minutes from them still, she keeps a discreet check on the boys and my dd too (though her and bf's Dad are NOT on good terms)'

This is not a picture of a happy or even a functional parent or home.
My opinion of the dynamic here wrt the BF's needs is unchanged.

And what if the dream of top universities and sport five times a week is yours at not your daughters math? They are going to end up resenting the pressure you are piling on them and wonder where their relaxation time is, five hours homework a night is ludicrous unless they are in the midst of exams and even then it is a bit much. But again, because my daughter is having sex you have assumed that is all she is doing and somehow has no ambition or other activities. Dead wrong.She is third academically in her year, she is taking two GCSE'S early this year, she is gifted and talented, she is a county swimmer and also coaches, she is on the school athletics, cheerleading and rounders teams currently. She has aspirations to go to medical school (possibly Oxbridge) of which is well capable and wants to be either an anaesitist or work in paediatrics. She has her head completely screwed on when it comes to school and I wouldn't have it any other way, but her dreams are hers, not mine, it is pure snobbery to assume that because your daughter's have some kind of pseudo Chinese schedule of homework and activities put on them by you that they will all be happy and trot off to top unis as mummy planned, but because my academic, hard working daughter is having sex at an early age she is somehow inferior and stands little chance of achieving what she wishes!

No, didn't drink or smoke illegally and haven't ever smoked. Have had a speeding ticket for 36 in a 30 zone when I was about to be hit by another car. Never had sex under age. Sanctimonious? No. You however seem to be far too lax.

Sir Chenjin, no Natsal is well regarded in the field due to the methodology used.

I work in a secondary school and listen to parents telling me about their close and honest relationship with their children all the time - in most cases they are deluded.

But well done to all who have overscheduled their teen to the point of knowing where they are at all times and who have made certain that there is no time for parties or boyfriends. I can see that that could work, although I have encouraged aspiration and achievement alongside fun and independence myself.

How sanctimonious some of you can be. I do wonder how you see yourselves, and whether you realise that there are real people on the receiving end of your unhelpful advice and unkind comments.

I'm aware of the methodology - but that doesn't detract from the fact that no survey can ever be 100% accurate.

lincon Well done that was a fantastic post and I completely agree with you on every count.

I really would ignore the perfects as their perfect children will soon break free of their control and run amok and maybe then they will not be so judgemental of your calm and rational approach to parenting.

Regina