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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

520 replies

lincolnshirelassy · 05/05/2015 12:53

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 05/05/2015 22:18

I think it's about getting the balance right between keeping communication open and not enabling her. It's really tricky. I do think it's right to go with her to the doctor and sort out an injection or the pill. You can be firm and kind about sticking to the rules in your house though, and I would perhaps have another word with the boyfriend's family, because they ought to be aware that for him, it is technically an offence what he is doing.

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 05/05/2015 22:44

Thanks everyone for your lovely helpful messages.

Talked to her again tonight. Re-iterated both legalities and the fact that I am nit happy about it, will not give her opportunities but that if she decides to continue I will come to the clinic with her to ensure she is safe. She re-iterated the fact that she was in no way pressured and does not regret having done it.

I am not 'happy' about it as some have suggested. Neither am I someone who does not set rules and boundaries as some have suggested, I have always had rules such as leaving doors open so we can check what they're up to, no overnight stays, not left alone in our house BUT neither am I as naive as sometimes think that means I can totally prevent it happening. I wouldn't be surprised if the kids of those preaching about morals and locking their kids away are secretly doing it but too afraid to talk to their parents! Sounds like a route to disaster to me, I'd rather have a daughter who can approach me thank you very much.

So I'm continuing down the route of supporting but it condoning, and limiting her opportunities without taking away everybit of her social life!

OP posts:
Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 05/05/2015 22:45

*not condoning

OP posts:
bangersmashandbeans · 05/05/2015 22:50

Lincoln you sound like a brilliant mum. My mum made exactly this decision when I was 14 and it was 100% the right one. You ARE doing the best thing for your daughter. Be proud that she is talking to you openly about this.

KikitheKitKat · 06/05/2015 08:56

'I wouldn't be surprised if the kids of those preaching about morals and locking their kids away are secretly doing it but too afraid to talk to their parents'
Yup, I was one of those kids! (Even if I was a lot older than 14)

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 06/05/2015 09:02

Really measles? I was told by a policeman that they aren't interested in teenagers participating in underage sex at 14/15 if it's consensual and there isn't a very large age difference.

EachandEveryone · 06/05/2015 11:03

What makes me sad is friendships and school work being put on the back burner due to a lad. There's so much time for that. My sister feels the same way about my niece and she's 17.

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 06/05/2015 12:42

Each I know what you mean, fortunately we don't have that problem with dd at least currently, she is third in her year academically, really does apply herself at school and does loads of sport, cheerleading and is a volunteer swimming coach too, if all these things stopped I would be hugely concerned and would be telling her so

OP posts:
MyballsareSandy · 06/05/2015 13:04

Not ideal, as she is very young - I have two 14 year old DDs - but I think you're handling it well and probably the only thing you can do is support her and ensure she is using contraception correctly. They won't stop having sex now they've started and you'll just make her secretive about it. you need to keep her talking to you.

Maroon - I'm curious how your teenagers were given 'no opportunity', I really am. Do you mean that you never let them out unaccompanied, they never went to parties, or sleepovers (single not mixed), or days out with their mates? Never got public transport anywhere? Were never left alone in your house whilst you worked or socialised? I'm struggling to think how I could possibly monitor my 14 year olds to that extent. They are growing up, they have a life that doesn't involve me at all times.

Fattycow · 06/05/2015 13:20

I remember being a teenager. I remember my parents not allowing my boyfriend upstairs and his parents didn't allow me upstairs. We ended up having sex outside rather a lot. When we both were at a party, we would sneak away in the middle and return after the deed... When school was out early and our parents didn't expect us home yet...When we went to the cinema, our hands were down each others pants...
When my mum found out, she was spitting mad at me, but after she calmed down she decided she'd rather have me in my own bed having sex, than somewhere on the streets!
If they really want to, they will find a way.

I think OP is being sensible about it. She has discussed this with her daughter and is encouraging her to use protection. I think she rather has an open relationship with her daughter, than the girl being secretive and ending up on "16 & Pregnant"...

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 06/05/2015 13:25

Maroon I agree, I have not allowed any inappropriate behaviour but when I'm at work she occasionally has a day home alone, or when I pop to the supermarket or take the smaller ones somewhere. And they do need something of a life, why would you want to stop them socialising completely? That causes all kinds of problems for them mentally and just isn't fair. I knew a lot of these kids at uni, patents never allowed them to go anywhere, do anything, they were the ones that got completely high on their new freedom in the first few weeks, drank, slept around and generally behaved in a way their dictatorial patents would find shocking!

OP posts:
Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 06/05/2015 13:28

Thanks fatty. No one wants this for their daughter so young, and I for one hadn't predicted it, but it's happened and it needs dealing with in a way that keeps her safe and keeps her close

OP posts:
Jackiebrambles · 06/05/2015 13:50

I lost my virginity when I was 15 to my 18 year old boyfriend. We were together a year before we actually did it and we were in love. We carried on going out until I out grew the relationship when I moved away to Uni.

I have absolutely no regrets and in fact the loving start I had to my sex life with him was wonderful. We had brilliant sex!

I think you are handling it well op. The most important thing is she can talk to you. And wants to talk to you. The last thing you want to do is encourage silence and her sneaking around, that makes it more dangerous for her (potentially).

BettyCatKitten · 06/05/2015 14:43

I spent some of my teens living in Sweden where the of consent is 15. I found the swede's far less hysterical about this subject, many of my peers were allowed bf overnight in their bed! All practiced safe sex, very low teen pregnancy rate, no one to my knowledge was emotionally damaged, all now professional people.
Obviously coming from Britain I was pretty shocked by their laid back attitude to sex, but soon embraced it! Wink

BettyCatKitten · 06/05/2015 14:52

Btw I still waited till I was 16 Grin

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 06/05/2015 14:59

I've heard this before about the Scandinavian countries betty, their approach is much more open and accepting than the brit way yet their teen pregnancy rate is far lower

OP posts:
BettyCatKitten · 06/05/2015 15:25

Yes op, also Germany, Austria and Italy it is 14.
My dd approached me about contraception when she was 15. I accompanied her to family planning clinic and after discussing her options with the nurse she opted for the contraceptive injection. She had been with her boyfriend for over a year, he was the same age. I know some people don't agree with my approach, but in my mind she had made an informed choice.

longtimelurker101 · 06/05/2015 20:39

Too many judgemental, and frankly blinkered people on this thread. I've always said my children could come talk to me on the other hand my DD has a friend who had very strict parents in this regard to the extent where they disproved of even having boyfriends and did their utmost to enforce that.

Yup, this girl was quite sexually active aged 14, she'd bunk off a school club or two to meet lads and be fumbling in bushes, alleys, parks and be all ready to meet her Dad at the school gate at the appointed time. Apparently she was quite confident about it all, more than ready, and quite keen. Oh and when she was 18 she was bonking one of her dad's younger pub mates on the side (obviously Dad was oblivious) . Once they decide that's what they want, you can't stop them, just make sure they're safe, happy and protected.

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 07/05/2015 07:58

Thanks longtime. My own mother was the judgemental blinkered type, never spoke to me about sex and was scathing about my morals when she found out I was sexually active, her comments were wounding and they still hurt now. I was 17! Result- I still rarely talk to her about personal stuff 20 years later, and at 17 rather than discouraging me her attitude meant I used to climb out my bedroom window to see my 26 year old boyfriend. I'm 38 now, he's 47 and we've been married eight years and have four great kids, so I try hard not to be judgemental of anyone's relationships and I'm determined my daughter will have a very different relationship with me than I did with my mum.

OP posts:
Jackieharris · 07/05/2015 08:26

I'm the stereotype of very strict parents when at home (barely out of the house apart from going to school) to have a huge rebellion once I left.

That really isn't safe or healthy.

SuburbanRhonda · 07/05/2015 09:02

So who is going to report the boyfriend to the police, measles?

Not the boy, nor the girl nor the parents and the girl says she's not being coerced. So on what grounds would the police be interested in this?

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 07/05/2015 14:05

I think it's highly unlikely the police would be interested, the law is there to prevent abuse not two teenagers having consensual sex. I've had a quick look at Home Office guidelines and it is very clear that the law is not intended to be used to prosecute teenagers having consensual sex when they are of a similar age (though it doesn't define what the age gap can be other countries seem to have it set at 2 years)

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 07/05/2015 14:41

It may be old fashioned but I sort of agree with morethan.

I think these days there is too much focus on having a nice open relationship with your teenager and the thinking that they're going to do it anyway so you might as well support it. Sorry but that sounds like a cop out to me.

It may seem that teenagers are grown up and can make their own decisions but they actually need firm boundaries and parenting more than ever, but teens themselves wouldn't admit this or even know it until later on.

This situation COULD have a happy outcome but it's far more likely not to. What would you say if your heartbroken and distraught dd asked you why on earth you didn't step in and protect her at such a young age?

Having a sexual relationship requires a huge amount of maturity. This girl is a 14 year old CHILD. Be a parent OP.

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 07/05/2015 15:06

Wow.... 'be a parent OP'???? exactly what I'm trying to be, one that is loving, supportive and approachable whilst still having rules, not a dictatorial matriarch who ignores my daughter's point of view. Being a parent is not just about imposing your will, it's listening, caring, and if neccesary compromising too.

What am I supposed to be 'protecting' her from- a loving relationship with a similar age boy who she has been with for over a year and has made a considered decision- without pressure- to have sex with. That?

OP posts:
RubyMay82 · 07/05/2015 16:03

Mum freaking out, banning the relationship isn't going to change a thing.

Maybe some people find it shocking & are clutching their pearls screaming but I think OP you are being brilliant !

If you cause a fuss she'll stop talking to you & keep secrets - that's way more concerning as if anything does go sour she has you to turn to,

She'll do it anyway !
(Stable door, horse, bolted)

This way you can make sure the correct precautions are being taken.

I know it's a terrifying thought but it's real life, teenagers have sex & better in a stable ish relationship than half cut on cider throwing it about to anyone that wants a piece every weekend which plenty other 14 year olds over the UK are doing.

I would be really chuffed she can be so honest, maybe she wasn't going to tell you but it's come out & you're handling it brilliantly !