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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

520 replies

lincolnshirelassy · 05/05/2015 12:53

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 07/05/2015 17:50

It's not about pearl clutching ruby, it's about teaching teens that the age of consent is there for a reason and also that you can still have a close relationship without full sex at the moment.

If you cause a fuss she'll stop talking to you & keep secrets

How do you know that? Not all teenagers are the same. I love the way on MN people automatically assume other people's children will react in the same way as their own. You can't make assumptions about the OP's daughter.

It doesn't matter what other 14 year olds are doing and to compare with others of the same age who are sleeping around is setting the bar pretty low.

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 07/05/2015 18:00

Dancer are you honestly suggesting I haven't explained the age of consent to my daughter? That I haven't said she should wait? That I haven't talked about the legalities and morals? Of course I have I AM a parent, and sometimes that means trying damn hard in a less than ideal situation to work put what is best, even if it might not be the way I thought I would react. As for protecting her, she has been in a relationship for over a year with a boy we have all known for many years, he is kind and respectful to her, they are good friends and seem to have decided to have sex after considering it carefully. It is far from ideal but I'm not quite sure what I am supposed to be protecting her from. She has not been coerced, I have asked her several times, she is not shagging him at the expense of school, friends and hobbies, all of which she applies herself to. It is not a situation I would have wished upon us but it could be a million Times worse!

OP posts:
monkeyfacegrace · 07/05/2015 18:01

I didn't want a close relationship without full sex. Full sex gave me orgasms and made me grin from ear to ear. It was bloody good sex. Some 14 year old are old enough to know what feels good and to get it safely.

RubyMay82 · 07/05/2015 18:18

Yeah you can teach & educate all you want but once they have already started doing the deed they aren't going to stop just because Mum has found out,
Totally unrealistic !

RubyMay82 · 07/05/2015 18:19

I'm actually casting my mind back to my teenage years which weren't "that" long ago & what I would have felt if it had happened to me not judging anyone else's teenager !!!

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 07/05/2015 18:26

You're right Ruby, casting my mind back I too would just have found devious ways to do what I wanted and frequently did--

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 07/05/2015 18:42

You are protecting her from the implications of having a full sexual relationship at the age of 14.

Teenage relationships often break down, of course that's normal, but it's all the more painful if you've had sex.

ruby I'm not so sure. As I said all teenagers are different, they don't ALL rebel to the degree you're talking about. If that was me as a teen, having had sex with a boyfriend and my mum had discussed with me why it wasn't such a good idea and persuade me to wait....I wouldn't have run off into the bushes. I trusted my mum and I think I would have thought very carefully what she was telling me.

OP, I'm not sure why you posted but good luck, I really hope it turns out ok.

AprilShowers15 · 07/05/2015 18:58

Honestly my mum has always said no sex till relationships or till 16 and no boyfriends staying over.

My 17 years old sister is now someone who is sneaks around having casual sex with guys she barely knows which imo isn't healthy.

Make sure she is safe - my sister has an IUD coil in but it was very difficult in the first 8 weeks - and make sure she knows you're very supportive in her choice to stay safe and that she can always come to you.

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 07/05/2015 19:14

April obviously I posted for people's opinions, and to see if people have been in similar situations and what they did, that's why. And lots of people have replied and been very helpful

OP posts:
Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 07/05/2015 19:15

Sorry post above for Dancer not April!

OP posts:
OurGlass · 07/05/2015 19:19

I think you've dealt with this really well actually. At the end of the day, you've found the condoms which means she is aware that she needs to be safe, she's been able to confide in you and even asked you to come along to get the pill. Obviously, the situation isn't ideal, but it's done now and at least it hasn't been a one night stand. I say well done to you to be honest, I wish my parents had supported me more - instead they reacted like headless chickens and I never told them anything again, which caused shit loads of problems for a long time.

Heartofgold25 · 07/05/2015 21:25

I had an 'early' ish relationship with a boy whom I loved ~ 18 month age gap between us, and everyone thought he was a wonderful boy and we were 'well suited'. In fact what actually happened and the truth was that I could not breathe without him, my development was constricted and stalled completely ~ I could not see my friends or have the usual fun that teens have. My grades were in free fall. I was in over my head but no one noticed. The last year, and I was only sixteen and blossoming as young girl, he started to hit me as a way of control. I was growing away from him and the relationship had turned into control. Any child will not have the first idea how to deal with this, or the demands that come with a sexual relationship and the intensity is too much at 14yrs.

BE SO CAREFUL. I am not judging your choice on how to deal with this, I am not suggesting for one minute that this will happen to your clearly loved and lovely dd, I am simply saying a grown up relationship puts an awful lot of pressure on a child. She is just a child. I only wish now that my parents had put their foot down with me and really protected me. I wish that had not been my first experience of a relationship ~ it took me ten years to recover.

I firmly believe that your dd is too young to be this involved, she is too young to know the consequences emotionally and physically, she is so vulnerable. If it were me, and this was my dd I would be blocking out plenty of nights to spend on homework, hobbies, friends and with you and not with him. Develop her life in every way you can so she does not come to depend on him. Do not allow him to take over her every waking moment, quietly keep them apart. Insist the school work stays on track and that you do not approve of their sexual relationship, that she is too young and although you are there for her you think it would be best if she stopped (blame the police, the courts if you want to) I think giving him free access to your dd will at some point end in tear, I am so sorry to say. Best of luck!!

Heartofgold25 · 07/05/2015 21:25

I had an 'early' ish relationship with a boy whom I loved ~ 18 month age gap between us, and everyone thought he was a wonderful boy and we were 'well suited'. In fact what actually happened and the truth was that I could not breathe without him, my development was constricted and stalled completely ~ I could not see my friends or have the usual fun that teens have. My grades were in free fall. I was in over my head but no one noticed. The last year, and I was only sixteen and blossoming as young girl, he started to hit me as a way of control. I was growing away from him and the relationship had turned into control. Any child will not have the first idea how to deal with this, or the demands that come with a sexual relationship and the intensity is too much at 14yrs.

BE SO CAREFUL. I am not judging your choice on how to deal with this, I am not suggesting for one minute that this will happen to your clearly loved and lovely dd, I am simply saying a grown up relationship puts an awful lot of pressure on a child. She is just a child. I only wish now that my parents had put their foot down with me and really protected me. I wish that had not been my first experience of a relationship ~ it took me ten years to recover.

I firmly believe that your dd is too young to be this involved, she is too young to know the consequences emotionally and physically, she is so vulnerable. If it were me, and this was my dd I would be blocking out plenty of nights to spend on homework, hobbies, friends and with you and not with him. Develop her life in every way you can so she does not come to depend on him. Do not allow him to take over her every waking moment, quietly keep them apart. Insist the school work stays on track and that you do not approve of their sexual relationship, that she is too young and although you are there for her you think it would be best if she stopped (blame the police, the courts if you want to) I think giving him free access to your dd will at some point end in tear, I am so sorry to say. Best of luck!!

Heartofgold25 · 07/05/2015 21:25

I had an 'early' ish relationship with a boy whom I loved ~ 18 month age gap between us, and everyone thought he was a wonderful boy and we were 'well suited'. In fact what actually happened and the truth was that I could not breathe without him, my development was constricted and stalled completely ~ I could not see my friends or have the usual fun that teens have. My grades were in free fall. I was in over my head but no one noticed. The last year, and I was only sixteen and blossoming as young girl, he started to hit me as a way of control. I was growing away from him and the relationship had turned into control. Any child will not have the first idea how to deal with this, or the demands that come with a sexual relationship and the intensity is too much at 14yrs.

BE SO CAREFUL. I am not judging your choice on how to deal with this, I am not suggesting for one minute that this will happen to your clearly loved and lovely dd, I am simply saying a grown up relationship puts an awful lot of pressure on a child. She is just a child. I only wish now that my parents had put their foot down with me and really protected me. I wish that had not been my first experience of a relationship ~ it took me ten years to recover.

I firmly believe that your dd is too young to be this involved, she is too young to know the consequences emotionally and physically, she is so vulnerable. If it were me, and this was my dd I would be blocking out plenty of nights to spend on homework, hobbies, friends and with you and not with him. Develop her life in every way you can so she does not come to depend on him. Do not allow him to take over her every waking moment, quietly keep them apart. Insist the school work stays on track and that you do not approve of their sexual relationship, that she is too young and although you are there for her you think it would be best if she stopped (blame the police, the courts if you want to) I think giving him free access to your dd will at some point end in tear, I am so sorry to say. Best of luck!!

Heartofgold25 · 07/05/2015 21:25

I had an 'early' ish relationship with a boy whom I loved ~ 18 month age gap between us, and everyone thought he was a wonderful boy and we were 'well suited'. In fact what actually happened and the truth was that I could not breathe without him, my development was constricted and stalled completely ~ I could not see my friends or have the usual fun that teens have. My grades were in free fall. I was in over my head but no one noticed. The last year, and I was only sixteen and blossoming as young girl, he started to hit me as a way of control. I was growing away from him and the relationship had turned into control. Any child will not have the first idea how to deal with this, or the demands that come with a sexual relationship and the intensity is too much at 14yrs.

BE SO CAREFUL. I am not judging your choice on how to deal with this, I am not suggesting for one minute that this will happen to your clearly loved and lovely dd, I am simply saying a grown up relationship puts an awful lot of pressure on a child. She is just a child. I only wish now that my parents had put their foot down with me and really protected me. I wish that had not been my first experience of a relationship ~ it took me ten years to recover.

I firmly believe that your dd is too young to be this involved, she is too young to know the consequences emotionally and physically, she is so vulnerable. If it were me, and this was my dd I would be blocking out plenty of nights to spend on homework, hobbies, friends and with you and not with him. Develop her life in every way you can so she does not come to depend on him. Do not allow him to take over her every waking moment, quietly keep them apart. Insist the school work stays on track and that you do not approve of their sexual relationship, that she is too young and although you are there for her you think it would be best if she stopped (blame the police, the courts if you want to) I think giving him free access to your dd will at some point end in tear, I am so sorry to say. Best of luck!!

Dancergirl · 07/05/2015 22:57

I am simply saying a grown up relationship puts an awful lot of pressure on a child. She is just a child. I only wish now that my parents had put their foot down with me and really protected me

This is what I was trying to say. 14 year olds can and do seem very sensible and mature but as a parent you have to consider now just the now but the future of this relationship. That's the difference, a teenager will be thinking about how madly in love they are, a parent has the experience to look a bit further into the future.

StupidBloodyKindle · 07/05/2015 23:03

14 is the age of consent in fourteen countries in Europe and in Spain the age of consent is 13.
I would pat yourself on the back she is using condoms.

babygalTorianne17 · 07/05/2015 23:12

At least she is having protect sex and being open with you I didnt tell my mum id lost my virginity for years and its better you know and the more you try and stop it the more they will do it...

babygalTorianne17 · 07/05/2015 23:13

Ome last thing the boy I lost my virginity too im engaged to so you have to consider if its going to last or not

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 08/05/2015 00:11

Heart thanks for sharing your experience. I definitely am limiting the time she sees him- I already was as I think school, friends and hobbies are vital. Fortunately they are not at the same school, he lives in another town about 20 minutes from us, so it is enough to make it sufficiently awkward and for her to have to ask for lifts. She usually only sees him on a weekend- and nit every weekend- and I'll be making sure this doesn't increase. I understand what you are saying and I will be keeping a very close eye on the relationship- I have gone over my rules with her again tonight which was met with a certain amount of eye rolling- but I still think banning it would not be effective and that limiting her opportunities but getting her on the pill is more realistic

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 08/05/2015 03:44

I have read the entire thread, but the same happened with my dd. And it happened in my flat where I was supervising them a lot more than you are. Such a horrible shock but I think the important thing is that they are using condoms and that you can talk to your dd.

I don't believe there is any long-term psychological harm in this, just for the mums.

NorahDentressangle · 08/05/2015 08:35

I was wondering about siblings of the BF. The father should really step up. If his siblings think 'I want this too, there could be fall out from them emulating what they see as their lucky brother. With no DM around a close girlfriend might appear a way to compensate for that.

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 08/05/2015 09:55

Norah, there is one brother who lives with him, he's a year younger and just come out as gay. There are also two younger half brothers who don't live with the family (bf's father remarried and they are currently embroiled in a divorce) I agree bf's dad should step up but I've discussed it at length and it isn't going to happen quite frankly. Bf Dad has been our friend for many years but at the moment is imo depressed and I suspect drinking heavily. His relationship with bf is extremely poor and I have tried and on a number of occasions to get him to see his GP and get some treatment. At the moment bf's Dad is not really capable of parenting which is another reason why I will be restricting visits to their house. I have to make the rules or no one will

OP posts:
NorahDentressangle · 08/05/2015 12:08

Well, done, it sounds like you are covering all bases. Not much you can do about the Bf's Dad but good for trying.

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 08/05/2015 13:26

Norah the Dad is worry, not just because he isn't really in a place where he can parent his son at the moment but also because he is our friend. But I have tried to help and get him help, but if he refuses to acknowledge he needs it I'm stuck. Luckily the older boys stepmum is also a good friend and lives just a few minutes from them still, she keeps a discreet check on the boys and my dd too (though her and bf's Dad are NOT on good terms)

OP posts: