14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

[lincolnshirelassy]

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

The thing is, at the moment, your daughter is thinking with a 14 year old's brain. Have you asked her what she would do if she became pregnant. I realise you have discussed contraception with her but we all know they are not 100% reliable. I know it is really difficult to make a teenager understand the bigger picture sometimes. They feel mature because at that moment in time, they are the most mature they have ever been. But the difference between 14 and 15 and 16 and 17 and 18 is enormous in a teenager's level of maturity. My own son is now 22 and told me he was too immature at 14 to have had a sexual relationship, but at 14 years old, he THOUGHT he was mature. His girlfriend got pregnant (she too was 14) and had an abortion. The thing is, I didn't have a clue he was sexually active. He just didn't tell me, until he handed me a post it note saying his girlfriend was pregnant. I could not believe it and was totally shocked beyond belief. Her mother was sensible enough to arrange an abortion for her and the relationship soon fizzled out soon after. That girl will have to live with the fact she had an abortion and it may or may not affect her in the future. But teenagers often think it will not happen to them. Maybe when your daughter is older she might think she was too young. When she is older and possibly has her own daughter, of course she will realise for herself, just how young 14/15 actually is. All you can do is be the best mum you can for her, being honest and open at all times. That way if she was to become pregnant, she would not feel alone and unable to speak to you about it. All the best.

Thanks anjf how awful you your son, you and the gf. I understand completely what you are saying and I have talked to het at length about the fact that she may think she is very grown up but she isn't. Contraception wise she does seem to fear pregnancy enough to not take risks and I am going to get her on the implant asap, which is what she wants to do, I have stressed she MUST use condoms too. I am also limiting opportunity as much as possible of course and I hope all this will be enough to ensure she is safe and protected, though I've also made it clear just because she's started doesn't mean she has to carry on!

Of course, because ultimately the girl has to say yes to the boy. If she did decide to say no, saying the risk of pregnancy was too much for her, it would be interesting to see if the boy understands and waits for her to become 16 or if he loses interest. I can remember actually when I was 14 being pressured (not saying your daughter is) by my boyfriend who was 16 at the time. I kept saying no, I didn't feel ready because I wasn't 16. He soon lost interest, so I still feel really proud of my younger self having the courage to say no when, to tell the truth, it would have been easier to say yes. He soon found another girlfriend and I stuck to my guns and waited until I was 16 like I had planned with my next boyfriend who I was with for 4 years. It's a confusing time being a teenager, I've got another teenage boy and I am hoping for a better transition to adult hood with him, with no major mistakes. All we can do is be honest and hope they come to us should they need to with no fear. Rather that than secretive behaviour.

I've read all the way through this thread, and I'm struck what seems to be an extraordinary amount of energy being put by many posters into defining sexual behaviour as good or bad. In particular, abstinence has been praised as a virtue in and of itself, and sexual intimacy has been praised when it happens in the context of a loving relationship (and there's a lot of talk about not having had many sexual partners, with the context being clear that having few is a sign of virtue).

Lots of people have picked up on the former point, but I would like to pick up on the latter.

There is, in my view, nothing intrinsically wrong or immoral in engaging in sexual behaviour with someone when you are not a loving relationship. Sex is fun! It can be more than that, of course, but it can also be only that. While this is true for people of all ages, I'd say that it is particularly true for teenagers, who are typically more horny than adults and typically are not seeking the emotional connection that adults seek. I really don't see that there's anything inherently immoral per se in two teenagers getting it on, whether it's just a kiss or full sex. We seem to have accepted this notion that sexual behaviour is not immoral in relation to solo masturbation finally, ie it's fine for a teenager to have a wank just because they're horny, but we still get incredibly het up about the idea that teenagers might do something with another person just because they're horny.

I think it's really a hangover from the days when Judeo-Christian mores dictated British sexual behaviour.

I really don't see that there's anything inherently immoral per se in two teenagers getting it on, whether it's just a kiss or full sex.

HomeHelp
I agree with you, in principle, except that most women do not find sex as sport very satisfying, IMHO.

And, unfortunately, the double standard still existed when my dd was a teenager and I wouldn't be surprised if it still exists now, and it can be hell for a girl to find out that all the boys think she is an easy lay.

I think your statement is a bit strong, Coyoacan. I think a significant number of women, from time to time, enjoy sex without wanting intimacy as well.

I agree about the double standard creating additional risks for girls (although bizarrely I never remember seeing any examples when I was growing up in Manchester in the 80s - I feel very lucky in that respect). But I don't think the right response is for women to abstain from sex. The focus has to be on getting boys and men to treat women with respect before, during and after sexual encounters.

Of course their sexuality is their own sexuality but these are things that should be discussed with young teenagers to help them make their choices.

Why are people arguing about whether it's a good idea? Teen sex doesn't ruin lives; teen pregnancy does. First priority is contraception. I would stop handwringing and get her protected. Too late for prevention now.

I grew up around many smart working class girls who all fell off between 14 and 18 due to boys so I wouldn't be popping the champagne just yet. Put her on the pill TODAY.

By the way the average UK girl loses at 16, right? 14 feels a touch chavvy but for 2 years, is it really a hill you want to die on? And if she looks back and regrets it, it won't be the only thing in life she ever regrets. She'll get over it.

I must bookmark this thread for the next time a thread like the one Daneel linked to comes back around. 'Outrage if the genders were reversed?' Apparently not...

How ridiculous of you to assume that just because my DDs are not having sex with boyfriends (or girlfriends) they do not fully own their aspirations. There is more to a full life and an enjoyable teenage experience than having underage sex.

Going to good universities is their dream, and they enjoy their sports tremendously. They have their oldest sister's example ahead of them -- university, career-track job secured before she graduated, a place of her own, holidays, independent life and the ability to afford it.

They also have the example of many girls and boys from DD1's class whom they see working in the local supermarket and still living in their parents' homes.

My DDs are mature enough to understand what it takes to achieve the life they see their sister enjoying and also to understand that there is no hurry, and importantly, no shortcut to adult life.

They have the amount of homework they have. There is nothing they can do about that except knuckle down and do it. The alternative is to drop to general courses and get into crappy universities.

They would have many decades to sit back and regret that.

Not that they would have much time to sit back and do anything, given that they would have to work three jobs to pay back their university loans even if they went to second rate places.

*If your DD is risking pregnancy, if she is the one taking all the precautions here, if she is not certain the condoms are put on in time and correctly every single time, then you need to sit her down and ask her what she hopes to get out of this relationship, and also why she is possibly risking a bright future for this boy. Taking risks like that at such a young age (and condoms are always a risk because they can split and they are not compatible with the sort of spontaneity the BF seems to like regardless of circumstances) would indicate to me that the DD is not fully on board with the Oxbridge medicine track.

*To those who use the term 'overscheduled' and 'pseudo Chinese schedule of work and activities', which is preferable, an abortion that someone will have to live with for the rest of her life and may or may not have strong feelings about, or a swim/badminton/volleyball meet twice a week and daily practice in the swimming season plus homework?

lincolnshirelassy just in case it's reassuring to you ...

I was sleeping with my boyfriend at 14, in the context of a loving relationship. We were sensible and used precautions. We were together about a year. My parents had no idea.

I also slept with my next boyfriend, when I was 15. We were together for 10 years, and 20 years later he is still a good friend. My mum found out we were having sex when I was nearly 16 and made it clear how much she disapproved but that drove us closer together if anything.

I don't regret it, not at all. I felt I was ready and it felt like the natural thing to do. IMO the law has to draw a line in the sand somewhere, but people mature at such different rates.

"Teen sex doesn't ruin lives; teen pregnancy does. First priority is contraception"

Wise advice IMO.

They're not mutually exclusive mathanxiety, it's possible to be high achieving AND have a boyfriend.

I am thinking of my DN and her bf, both high fliers and aiming for Oxbridge.

We are all a product of our experiences and doing what we think is best for our DC, particularly when reacting to something unexpected or disappointing.

I don't think I said that at all math it is actually you who are posting in a very judgemental manner and implying my daughter is some kind of sex crazed miscreant who because she had a boyfriend is totally incapable of applying herself to her school or sports. As nequid says they are not mutually exclusive. You also talk about people working in supermarkets and going to 'crappy' universities as if you and your DDs are somehow superior to them. I highly value academic achievement but I don't believe because I have a top degree I am better than the staff I chat to at my local Tesco, who may or may not be just as happy in their jobs and lives as me. Some things are more important than academia, and valuing people fir who they are, not WHAT they are and having compassion and respect for everyone regardless of their education, affluence and career is an equally good lesson as encouraging aspiration in our children.

Btw math if your dd's are doing one swim meet a month they are hugely over competing. The national development programme suggests 10-12 carefully selected appropriate meets a year. My daughter competes to a high standard too you see, despite being unable to think of nothing but shagging her boyfriend, apparently ;)

Sorry I mean one swim meet a week, which is what you said they were doing

lincolnshirelassy

Did you go to university? What I mean is: is your daughter just following in your footsteps or is she "doing better"? If the latter, stop bragging. 14 is not 18. I grew up in a pretty working class area with a mix of friends. It was nuts. At 14, we were all doing well. By 18, pretty much everyone had fallen to the achievement level of their parents. Pregnancies all over the place. People refusing to go to uni because of their boyfriends. This isn't an attack but I do think sex at 14 is at least a warning sign and I would put all my energy into getting her into Oxbridge (or whatever you think is best)

No I want to university Apple, a Russell Group Uni and a first in English Lit and Philosophy, not that I see that as remotely relevant, she is actually far more clever and switched on. Not sure what I'm 'bragging' about either, I was merely counteracting the quite ludicrous arguement that early sex =zero ambition and achievement, I can reel off numerous examples amongst my own peers which shoots that theory out the water.

Why the hell do posters feel that slagging you off is what is needed

Lincoln I still think you are handling this as well as you can and all the people who think you should lock up your DD or get her BF arrested at talking out of their arses. Math in particular.

Apple read the post ffs lincoln was only talking about her education because of what math posted she was not bragging at all.

Lincoln I would not bother with this thread anymore as math seems to return to it just to put you down as a parent and brag about her own Dc's perfectness and her perfect parenting.

Thanks Regina kind of reached that conclusion myself, it has become less about people giving opinions on the thread (which lots of lovely helpful people have) and more a sounding board for math to boast about her fantastic daughters (I'm sure they are but so are mine!) and put down those little lowly folk who go to inferior universities and work in their local co-op!

'They're not mutually exclusive mathanxiety, it's possible to be high achieving AND have a boyfriend.'

A boyfriend is one thing and sex at 14 is another thing entirely. That is behaviour that carries with it a risk and I would be concerned as a result.

It carries a huge risk in fact, up there with drunk driving or drugs.

To Lincoln --
If you hadn't found the condoms in your DD's bag, your DD and my DDs would have been in virtually the same boat wouldn't they?
Involved in sports and extra curricular activities, setting their sights on Oxbridge (or equivalent), doing very well in school. Yet when I mentioned academic ambition and busyness with sports in connection with my DDs I was accused of pseudo Chinese scheduling and other apparently unacceptable parenting approaches. I find that puzzling.

As to your interpretation of my use of the term 'crappy' universities and the accusation that I think I and my DDs are superior:
You talked of Oxbridge with what I assume is optimism, certainly to paint a positive picture of your DD's ability and prospects. Would you have mentioned a hairdressing college with the same enthusiasm? Does your remark about medicine at Oxbridge mean you consider yourself and your DD superior to people who go to universities further down the league tables? This is also puzzling.

Your remark about my DDs' swimming schedule is sticking out too, for pettyness. Anyone reading it might suspect you were taking a swipe at my parenting, allowing my children to overtrained or to overcompete? Why are all your DD's many activities just fine, nowhere near overscheduling or over-anything else -- does the fact that she is having sex at 14 indicate that she is handling it all really well and enjoying a balanced life? I still do not believe my DDs are missing out on anything here.

Wrt your remark about people working in Tesco, there is a difference between 'better' and 'better off'. I know the difference. So do my DDs, thank you very much. You can wind your neck right back in wrt valuing people, compassion, respect, etc.

Sometimes it is much more respectful and compassionate to someone to tell them they are making a big mistake, to put your foot down, to reestablish values and have a long and ongoing conversation about what wavelength everyone is on. Especially when that person is 14.

ApplePaltrow, I saw the same phenomenon in my own schooldays. Many of my classmates have grandchildren now.

(I haven't said the BF should be arrested, btw. What I am suggesting is that someone who is taking a big risk is perhaps not as much on board with the whole Oxbridge shebang as you may think.)

And lo Regina's point was proven...

Math is usually a very balanced poster though. And fourteen is very young. Having said that I do not see what more the OP can do over and above what she has said she will do.

Thank you George

Wrt doing more than she has already said she will do -- I would be very hesitant to believe what the DD says about this relationship. After all, she only spoke to her mother about having sex when she was caught red handed so to speak.

All ideology apart (wrt stereotypes of giving and taking in sexual relationships) I would have many questions at the back of my mind that I would seek to find answers to.

The first thing I would suspect when a 14 year old's secret sexual relationship is found out is that anything said about what has been going on has a certain amount of face saving to it. Face saving is something a teen in over her head might well resort to, because teens do not like to admit they need help or they are not really happy about what is going on, or that they are worried. Additionally, a teen may try to project the impression that everything is just as she wishes it to be when in fact she is embarrassed that her mother is aware of what she and her BF are doing and wants to preserve a little dignity by pretending to be more in control of what has been going on than she actually has been.

Leading on from there I would wonder if the condoms were 'accidentally on purpose' left in a place they might be found, or if the DD is asking in a rather mute and perhaps even unconscious way to be rescued from a situation that she herself is having second thoughts about, or one that was not entirely of her choosing in the first place, or one that is more fun for the BF than for her, etc.

I would also be wondering what it was that made her feel there was something missing from her life that seems on the surface to be enjoyable and fulfilling, with the DD supported by her parents in a caring family. She has a lot going on and she has a lot going for her by all accounts. Are there pressures in her social group to acquire and keep a boyfriend? How are her accomplishments acknowledged and appreciated among her peers? Are boys the be all and end all in her particular female peer environment? Do they have more status than the achievements of girls, in other words? (Please note I am leaving aside questions of women freely choosing to have sexual relationships. I am doing so because this is a 14 year old.)

Above all, harking back to my original suspicion, I would be really interested in getting to the bottom of whose idea the sex was initially, and particularly interested in how long the relationship had been going on before they started having sex. They have been together for a year -- since she was 13 and he presumably 15.